Coming out to family (2) ... As far as Massachusetts
Today I did one thing I wanted to do since ever, I knew that my elder brother was an open-minded person and have always had a common harmonious understanding with him. He was the first one I thought to come out to after coming out to my friends proved to be a bad choice in such environment, but coming out to mom happened in a swift incident and it encouraged me even more to come out to my brother.
I remember that he always tried to provoke me to talk to him but to be honest, I was afraid of replying his questions that he might not understand what I said so I would loose the support of my closest brother...
One of these times he was begging me to talk saying," Tell me! Air your chest and speak of what you are hiding, we will always be brothers and nothing will change at all" that was one year ago but I didn't have much courage to reply that time because I had just had my first rejection by a close friend
But today, I was more than ready to tell him. He, too, must have been prepared to hear what am I going to say, cause I kept giving him signs the previous days and he never seemed annoyed.. Like yesterday when he asked me why do I love to watch Brothers & Sisters and I told him it was because I love to see a diverse vivid family and I like Kevin and his husband Scottie so much, he didn't object or protest at all.. that was a big sign, he was ready.
So we were in the mosque today for Friday prayer and on our way back to home we passed by the market to pick up some tomatoes, I was picking tomatoes and he watched most of the time actually.
When we were back on our way back home, he said ," Man, you have such talent for picking tomatoes!" kidding of course
I replied in much relaxed natural way; Yes, Someday I will make a man very happy I guess then sighed
He looked at me asking me what did I mean, his expression though didn't look so astonished by what I was saying, it was like he already knew the answer to his question or expected it and that was more than encouraging sign for me.
So I answered him instantly while feeling strangely very relaxed," Yes, I am gay"
He looked at me with an expressionless face and didn't comment, he was silent for a moment, So I repeated it making sure he heard me..
"I am gay" ... I repeated it twice before he had to reply and I tell you, I kind of didn't expect this answer even when I expected him to know or at least to have a feeling about my sexuality
"Yes, I know that... I have always known that" was his response to my announcement.
It took me by surprise and I was completely silent waiting for his response.
He looked very confused as if trying to say something but struggling for the right words, he took a minute or two before finally breaking the silence saying, " I also know that it is like writing with your left hand!"
This was an answer I have never expected as well, as if I was dreaming.. It meant that the moments he was thinking in pure confusion weren't a result of his surprise by my news, he was just looking for the best words to tell me that he understands! I started to breath normally feeling relieved that the hard part already was gone and waited for him to finish his thoughtful phrases!
I thought I got the best response from him and that was it, but I didn't know that more is yet to come, he just astounded me!
He said," I have always suspected this and I was sure it is the worst mistake we would ever do is to force you into marrying, I know it is against your nature and it would be miserable for you. I have suspected this all along and when you used to talk about your research and about homosexuality, I felt it more like a message to us!"
I had to reply to this. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from him and I wanted to double check it before going nuts of joy!
I asked him," So, is that it? you aren't gonna get angry or storm at me? not even going to call me names?"
He answered between his giggles," Why would I do that brother? I am not that stupid! I do have some questions though"
All along the way he asked me about everything, gay marriage, gay life, biology and even about religion and how am I handling it and what is its views of homosexuality! I was feeling more and more proud every second. Every question he asked made me feel more happy, I was over the moon..
We were about to reach the house when he concluded the informations I provided and said," Brother, don't be afraid, we will always be the same, I will never turn on you. I will be lying if I told you that I feel happy about the news you just told me, but I understand what you said and I will always be here for you"
While we were preparing lunch, he came to me and whispered," I wish you find real happiness brother, even if you had to go as far as Massachusetts!"
A smile was all I managed to do after my usually fluent tongue got trapped under tons of gratitude and love phrases of different languages...
I am a very lucky man.. I know... I have the best family in the world...
This is more than I ever fancied or dared to dream... God, Am I happy!!
I remember that he always tried to provoke me to talk to him but to be honest, I was afraid of replying his questions that he might not understand what I said so I would loose the support of my closest brother...
One of these times he was begging me to talk saying," Tell me! Air your chest and speak of what you are hiding, we will always be brothers and nothing will change at all" that was one year ago but I didn't have much courage to reply that time because I had just had my first rejection by a close friend
But today, I was more than ready to tell him. He, too, must have been prepared to hear what am I going to say, cause I kept giving him signs the previous days and he never seemed annoyed.. Like yesterday when he asked me why do I love to watch Brothers & Sisters and I told him it was because I love to see a diverse vivid family and I like Kevin and his husband Scottie so much, he didn't object or protest at all.. that was a big sign, he was ready.
So we were in the mosque today for Friday prayer and on our way back to home we passed by the market to pick up some tomatoes, I was picking tomatoes and he watched most of the time actually.
When we were back on our way back home, he said ," Man, you have such talent for picking tomatoes!" kidding of course
I replied in much relaxed natural way; Yes, Someday I will make a man very happy I guess then sighed
He looked at me asking me what did I mean, his expression though didn't look so astonished by what I was saying, it was like he already knew the answer to his question or expected it and that was more than encouraging sign for me.
So I answered him instantly while feeling strangely very relaxed," Yes, I am gay"
He looked at me with an expressionless face and didn't comment, he was silent for a moment, So I repeated it making sure he heard me..
"I am gay" ... I repeated it twice before he had to reply and I tell you, I kind of didn't expect this answer even when I expected him to know or at least to have a feeling about my sexuality
"Yes, I know that... I have always known that" was his response to my announcement.
It took me by surprise and I was completely silent waiting for his response.
He looked very confused as if trying to say something but struggling for the right words, he took a minute or two before finally breaking the silence saying, " I also know that it is like writing with your left hand!"
This was an answer I have never expected as well, as if I was dreaming.. It meant that the moments he was thinking in pure confusion weren't a result of his surprise by my news, he was just looking for the best words to tell me that he understands! I started to breath normally feeling relieved that the hard part already was gone and waited for him to finish his thoughtful phrases!
I thought I got the best response from him and that was it, but I didn't know that more is yet to come, he just astounded me!
He said," I have always suspected this and I was sure it is the worst mistake we would ever do is to force you into marrying, I know it is against your nature and it would be miserable for you. I have suspected this all along and when you used to talk about your research and about homosexuality, I felt it more like a message to us!"
I had to reply to this. I couldn't believe what I was hearing from him and I wanted to double check it before going nuts of joy!
I asked him," So, is that it? you aren't gonna get angry or storm at me? not even going to call me names?"
He answered between his giggles," Why would I do that brother? I am not that stupid! I do have some questions though"
All along the way he asked me about everything, gay marriage, gay life, biology and even about religion and how am I handling it and what is its views of homosexuality! I was feeling more and more proud every second. Every question he asked made me feel more happy, I was over the moon..
We were about to reach the house when he concluded the informations I provided and said," Brother, don't be afraid, we will always be the same, I will never turn on you. I will be lying if I told you that I feel happy about the news you just told me, but I understand what you said and I will always be here for you"
While we were preparing lunch, he came to me and whispered," I wish you find real happiness brother, even if you had to go as far as Massachusetts!"
A smile was all I managed to do after my usually fluent tongue got trapped under tons of gratitude and love phrases of different languages...
I am a very lucky man.. I know... I have the best family in the world...
This is more than I ever fancied or dared to dream... God, Am I happy!!