Thor: The Dark World Review (Sorta)
WARNING: SPOILERS ENSUE
[Here Be The Rambling (SPOILERS)]So the film starts with The Ninth Doctor Who Looks Nothing Like The Ninth Doctor (Let's call him The Doctor Who Isn't- insert John Hurt joke of choice here) wanting to plunge the world into darkness... which is told by a narration which is later made redundant, just like Man of Steel. The Doctor Who Isn't's forces, the Dark Elves (I am trying so hard not to make a joke about The Elder Scrolls here) proceeds to lose a battle with the Asgardians led by Thor's grandfather, and The Doctor Who Isn't loses the MacGuffin he wanted to kill the world...s... with, called the Aether. He then kills most of his army just to tell the Asgardians where they can shove it... Bravo. The Aether itself is shoved into a giant rock, miles underground.
We then cut to one of the worlds in question, which is where most of the trailer action shots come from. In comes Sif, all-around awesome chick with a sword, who is leading some forces against marauders (Later explained to be thanks to the Bifrost going bang at the end of the last Thor- which I still need to see, believe it or not, just so I can set some of the movie to "You're As Cold As Ice"), alongside one of Thor's buddies who is from the area. Thor rides in (No blaring rock tunes out of speakers for this Mofo) and helps win the day by killing a rock giant.
Meanwhile, in present day... England? We're not in America? I'm cool with that, we see Jane Foster, on a date with... Chris O'Dowd? Wow, they hired an Irish actor from the same county as I'm from. Bravo, Marvel (OK, a short role but I'm hoping the US fanfic writers get a load of this like they did with Darcy)
Speaking of, here comes Kat Dennings in her actual likable role! Because fuck 2 Broke Girls, the premise sounds crap and the showrunner made Whitney. Anyway, Darcy kills the moment of the date (Some great banter between Portman, O'Dowd and Dennings ensue), and Darcy explains that Shit Just Got Real. Meanwhile, the scientist from Thor who was in Avengers, Eric, is running around Stonehenge in the nude due to Loki's mind fuck (Wonder what's happening to Clint right now...). A note here is that Thor, while not as funny as Avengers, does pack a lot of laughs in, especially in the middle, but we'll get there soon. Darcy's also hired an intern, who for the life of me I could not tell you the actor's name (Was pressed for time, so I had to leave right after the Stinger), which is a shame, as he had some good charisma.
Right, plot- Darcy, Jane and the Intern (Called Ian... I think) go to an abandoned warehouse and find that physics is having a hangover (Including an easily picked up truck from the trailer). While Team Science and some kids who reported it are throwing shoes and car keys into a portal that sometimes drops stuff through and sometimes doesn't (Take a guess which of the two items doesn't come back), Jane finds a portal to the Aether. Which is just left there. They didn't even bother to put on a fucking lock?! Sure enough, the Aether enters Jane, and she winds up getting some creepy Black Eyes of Evil... which are also quite sexy on Natalie Portman.
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU PEOPLE IN AMERICA CAN'T EVEN SEE THE MOVIE YET!
Meanwhile, on Asgard, Idris Elba tells Thor that Jane's gone missing (A benefit of being a guardian is... 20/20 vision, I guess?) and Thor zooms down to Earth. Jane wakes up and Darcy tells her she's been gone for five hours. Thor comes in and trolls with the rain... and Jane slaps him. First time's to make sure he's real, second time's to make up for him not calling her when he was down on Earth defending New York from aliens so that they could have all that hot sex the fanfic writers wanted. After a copper tries to arrest Jane for tresspassing (Why they weren't doing this to Darcy before Jane showed up baffles me), and we find out that the Aether has a no-touchy policy when it comes to malicious intent. Thor promptly zooms up to Asgard, leaving Darcy at the mercy of the coppers. I'd make another fanfic joke here, but we haven't even gotten to Loki yet.
Speaking of Loki, he's sent to prison at the start of the movie (What, did it take a year for Loki to get sent to Odin? Fuckin' Asgard politics, I bet Loki got a shit attorney), and despite his not-so-mom trying, he stills snarks. Oh God he snarks. Asgard's medics can't help Jane, and Odin wants Thor to send her back before they find the Aether, making Odin tell the story of The Doctor Who Isn't... even though we had this told to us already. I blame Man of Steel for starting this trend.
The Doctor Who Isn't decides to take the Aether from Jane (Who has a freaky vision where she, with Black Eyes of DOOM, sees Asgard fall into Darkness (And not the Star Trek kind)... and I want to see this in fanfic, but I can't because the Americans haven't got it yet). What, black eyes are my eye version of redheads- the more the merrier.
Asgard is attacked by... ugh, fine, Malekith and his Dark Elves, who look like Cybermen when armored up, and in the process Thor's mom dies like a BOSS defending Jane. Thor is pissed, and blows half of Malekith's face off with Mew Mew (Darcy's name for the hammer, because FUCK am I spelling that at 3am).
Loki, surprisingly enough, doesn't take the death well (And grows Skrillex hair in that time), but Thor, being banned from leaving and knowing Loki has a way out, lets him free. Cue the humor, as almost every scene here (Which I will not spoil) is on par with Avengers in comedy. Seriously.
Anyway, Thor, Jane and Loki reach the Dark World, which isn't really dark aside from the soil. There, Malekith detects the Aether, and while he has the chance, Loki betrays Thor and- HOLY FUCK THOR'S ARM JUST GOT CUT OFF SWEET JESUS FUCK.
Malekith rips the Aether out of Jane (Farewell Creppy Black Eyes Jane, hello Red Eyes Take Warning Malekith), before Thor springs the trap- another of Loki's illusions (Aside note- love the effects of his illusions), and the duo wind up getting into a scrap, where Loki proves to be awesome with a dagger, slitting throats left, right and center. Thor gets his ass kicked by Malekith's Dragon, who's a big burly thing that looks like it's made of Rock, and "No weapon our enemies own," in Malekith's words, can hurt it. Loki then runs him through with a Dark Elf sword, but then the monster drags Loki onto the sword... where Loki reveals that he planted a bomb on the thing after he's pushed off, but still, Loki did just take a sword to the gut... which is more pressing then the blunt force trauma Thor must be feeling after that ass kicking he got, somehow. Anyway, Loki dies... NOT. He pulls an illusion on Thor and then goes back to Asgard to report his own death. Huh. Guy has balls.
Thor and Jane find a cave which links into where all of the junk Team Science where throwing into the wormhole from the start is (Including car keys... raising the question of how Darcy and Ian got back). In the space of a few hours or so, that car the keys belong to? Totally fucked up. Yikes.
Thor and Jane get back to Jane's lab (Which is spacious, to say the least considering it's London) and find out Malekith will kill everything on Earth (Thanks in part to Selveg, released from a mental hospital thanks to Darcy hiring local) in London. Well, at least it's not New York... guessing they're saving that for Ultron's movie. Team Thor go there and set up Gravity thingies that open up mini-portals and give Physics a barrel load of Vodka. Thor and Malekith fight, this is the climax, Jane being the host leads to nothing, and Malekith dies through means I shall not explain because it is 3:15 and I need sleep. Thor talks to Odin (Who is Loki in disguise... holy fuck), and the film ends with the implications that Loki killed Odin and took the throne.
Fuck.
But wait, one more scene! The Stinger- where some of Thor's friends give the Aether locked up THIS time to Benicio Del Toro, and it set up Guardians of The Galaxy, out in January.
So that was Thor- and from the perspective of someone who hasn't seen the first, this was great fun, and the effects were awesome in 3D. There were some great laughs, good fanfic fuel, some good fights and a decent set up to Guardians... even if I think it'll fail due to Bradley Cooper playing a racoon. We'll see.
Anyway, I need sleep. Thanks for reading, and if you complain about spoilers- I WARNED YOU.
[Here Be The Rambling (SPOILERS)]So the film starts with The Ninth Doctor Who Looks Nothing Like The Ninth Doctor (Let's call him The Doctor Who Isn't- insert John Hurt joke of choice here) wanting to plunge the world into darkness... which is told by a narration which is later made redundant, just like Man of Steel. The Doctor Who Isn't's forces, the Dark Elves (I am trying so hard not to make a joke about The Elder Scrolls here) proceeds to lose a battle with the Asgardians led by Thor's grandfather, and The Doctor Who Isn't loses the MacGuffin he wanted to kill the world...s... with, called the Aether. He then kills most of his army just to tell the Asgardians where they can shove it... Bravo. The Aether itself is shoved into a giant rock, miles underground.
We then cut to one of the worlds in question, which is where most of the trailer action shots come from. In comes Sif, all-around awesome chick with a sword, who is leading some forces against marauders (Later explained to be thanks to the Bifrost going bang at the end of the last Thor- which I still need to see, believe it or not, just so I can set some of the movie to "You're As Cold As Ice"), alongside one of Thor's buddies who is from the area. Thor rides in (No blaring rock tunes out of speakers for this Mofo) and helps win the day by killing a rock giant.
Meanwhile, in present day... England? We're not in America? I'm cool with that, we see Jane Foster, on a date with... Chris O'Dowd? Wow, they hired an Irish actor from the same county as I'm from. Bravo, Marvel (OK, a short role but I'm hoping the US fanfic writers get a load of this like they did with Darcy)
Speaking of, here comes Kat Dennings in her actual likable role! Because fuck 2 Broke Girls, the premise sounds crap and the showrunner made Whitney. Anyway, Darcy kills the moment of the date (Some great banter between Portman, O'Dowd and Dennings ensue), and Darcy explains that Shit Just Got Real. Meanwhile, the scientist from Thor who was in Avengers, Eric, is running around Stonehenge in the nude due to Loki's mind fuck (Wonder what's happening to Clint right now...). A note here is that Thor, while not as funny as Avengers, does pack a lot of laughs in, especially in the middle, but we'll get there soon. Darcy's also hired an intern, who for the life of me I could not tell you the actor's name (Was pressed for time, so I had to leave right after the Stinger), which is a shame, as he had some good charisma.
Right, plot- Darcy, Jane and the Intern (Called Ian... I think) go to an abandoned warehouse and find that physics is having a hangover (Including an easily picked up truck from the trailer). While Team Science and some kids who reported it are throwing shoes and car keys into a portal that sometimes drops stuff through and sometimes doesn't (Take a guess which of the two items doesn't come back), Jane finds a portal to the Aether. Which is just left there. They didn't even bother to put on a fucking lock?! Sure enough, the Aether enters Jane, and she winds up getting some creepy Black Eyes of Evil... which are also quite sexy on Natalie Portman.
DON'T LOOK AT ME LIKE THAT, YOU PEOPLE IN AMERICA CAN'T EVEN SEE THE MOVIE YET!
Meanwhile, on Asgard, Idris Elba tells Thor that Jane's gone missing (A benefit of being a guardian is... 20/20 vision, I guess?) and Thor zooms down to Earth. Jane wakes up and Darcy tells her she's been gone for five hours. Thor comes in and trolls with the rain... and Jane slaps him. First time's to make sure he's real, second time's to make up for him not calling her when he was down on Earth defending New York from aliens so that they could have all that hot sex the fanfic writers wanted. After a copper tries to arrest Jane for tresspassing (Why they weren't doing this to Darcy before Jane showed up baffles me), and we find out that the Aether has a no-touchy policy when it comes to malicious intent. Thor promptly zooms up to Asgard, leaving Darcy at the mercy of the coppers. I'd make another fanfic joke here, but we haven't even gotten to Loki yet.
Speaking of Loki, he's sent to prison at the start of the movie (What, did it take a year for Loki to get sent to Odin? Fuckin' Asgard politics, I bet Loki got a shit attorney), and despite his not-so-mom trying, he stills snarks. Oh God he snarks. Asgard's medics can't help Jane, and Odin wants Thor to send her back before they find the Aether, making Odin tell the story of The Doctor Who Isn't... even though we had this told to us already. I blame Man of Steel for starting this trend.
The Doctor Who Isn't decides to take the Aether from Jane (Who has a freaky vision where she, with Black Eyes of DOOM, sees Asgard fall into Darkness (And not the Star Trek kind)... and I want to see this in fanfic, but I can't because the Americans haven't got it yet). What, black eyes are my eye version of redheads- the more the merrier.
Asgard is attacked by... ugh, fine, Malekith and his Dark Elves, who look like Cybermen when armored up, and in the process Thor's mom dies like a BOSS defending Jane. Thor is pissed, and blows half of Malekith's face off with Mew Mew (Darcy's name for the hammer, because FUCK am I spelling that at 3am).
Loki, surprisingly enough, doesn't take the death well (And grows Skrillex hair in that time), but Thor, being banned from leaving and knowing Loki has a way out, lets him free. Cue the humor, as almost every scene here (Which I will not spoil) is on par with Avengers in comedy. Seriously.
Anyway, Thor, Jane and Loki reach the Dark World, which isn't really dark aside from the soil. There, Malekith detects the Aether, and while he has the chance, Loki betrays Thor and- HOLY FUCK THOR'S ARM JUST GOT CUT OFF SWEET JESUS FUCK.
Malekith rips the Aether out of Jane (Farewell Creppy Black Eyes Jane, hello Red Eyes Take Warning Malekith), before Thor springs the trap- another of Loki's illusions (Aside note- love the effects of his illusions), and the duo wind up getting into a scrap, where Loki proves to be awesome with a dagger, slitting throats left, right and center. Thor gets his ass kicked by Malekith's Dragon, who's a big burly thing that looks like it's made of Rock, and "No weapon our enemies own," in Malekith's words, can hurt it. Loki then runs him through with a Dark Elf sword, but then the monster drags Loki onto the sword... where Loki reveals that he planted a bomb on the thing after he's pushed off, but still, Loki did just take a sword to the gut... which is more pressing then the blunt force trauma Thor must be feeling after that ass kicking he got, somehow. Anyway, Loki dies... NOT. He pulls an illusion on Thor and then goes back to Asgard to report his own death. Huh. Guy has balls.
Thor and Jane find a cave which links into where all of the junk Team Science where throwing into the wormhole from the start is (Including car keys... raising the question of how Darcy and Ian got back). In the space of a few hours or so, that car the keys belong to? Totally fucked up. Yikes.
Thor and Jane get back to Jane's lab (Which is spacious, to say the least considering it's London) and find out Malekith will kill everything on Earth (Thanks in part to Selveg, released from a mental hospital thanks to Darcy hiring local) in London. Well, at least it's not New York... guessing they're saving that for Ultron's movie. Team Thor go there and set up Gravity thingies that open up mini-portals and give Physics a barrel load of Vodka. Thor and Malekith fight, this is the climax, Jane being the host leads to nothing, and Malekith dies through means I shall not explain because it is 3:15 and I need sleep. Thor talks to Odin (Who is Loki in disguise... holy fuck), and the film ends with the implications that Loki killed Odin and took the throne.
Fuck.
But wait, one more scene! The Stinger- where some of Thor's friends give the Aether locked up THIS time to Benicio Del Toro, and it set up Guardians of The Galaxy, out in January.
So that was Thor- and from the perspective of someone who hasn't seen the first, this was great fun, and the effects were awesome in 3D. There were some great laughs, good fanfic fuel, some good fights and a decent set up to Guardians... even if I think it'll fail due to Bradley Cooper playing a racoon. We'll see.
Anyway, I need sleep. Thanks for reading, and if you complain about spoilers- I WARNED YOU.