Remember, remember, the 5th of november, such a vast change.
Well, it has been quite some time since I last blurbed a blurb of blurb! I assure you that the Slurm has not gotten to my brain.
Anyways, since my last entry, many things have happened and circled into my mind. I went to an awesome wedding of KaniS and Murrah, I have become much more communicative and much less depressive and offensive, things in general have simplified and I feel a general sense of moving forward and more motivation to do such.
I've been going through counselling for almost a year now and it has helped a great deal with me understanding general social views and also how my feelings and way of life is connected to that. Well, that is the life that my life became, a life riddled with imposed guilt, imposed shame, imposed crap beliefs. These are the things I am smashing through, sometimes I have many personal revelations of why I do something in rapid succession and other times it's slow and my brain gets stuck in a loop. This imposed crap I speak of is the root of my anxiety disorder, it causes me to be afraid of nearly everything I do, which tends to cause me to shy away, clam up, or sometimes break down on other people or act kinda berserk and needy. We all as a sentient living being have basic needs in our life, those needs are food, shelter and most often overlooked, love. Love of a mate especially, followed by love of friends and then family. These are the things I seek to have and are very normal things, yet I was -ashamed- of that fact. The counselling has helped me realise where I went wrong versus where those who raised me (many peoples due to foster care). I was often beaten back verbally and emotionally rather than helped to understand a situation or understand why people and society are the way they are. I'm fighting to get past this, because I do want a more fulfilling life, because I, like you, need these basic things in life.
KaniS and Murrah's wedding was a great positive social experience for me. I got to meet new people (I already knew Murrah and had visited her when she was still in Winnipeg) and experience something that I wasn't dragged too and scowled upon to act a specific way (like weddings I've been to in my younger years). The people were great, the food was great. Ah yes, the food, it was all middle ages European style food, as such I got to taste some rather traditional things, even a homemade pate. We even went sailing a couple days later. I had never been sailing before in my life, not on the ocean anyways, but we went to Marina Del Mar at Synge's request and had a blast together. I did get beamed in the head once by the sail when jibing, but KaniS was a close second, so I can't feel too bad about that :P I got to see California for the first time ever and got a good look of the area as LA is rather spread apart. We went to a nature reserve as well where a photo of something I still wait on occurred. The feather punch incident :P it was pro. It was cool seeing the wildlife and flora of the area and I muchly enjoyed the experience.
I live on my own again now and find it a bit more peaceful. However I miss my friends that moved away to Nanaimo. I plan to move to the Vancouver or Vancouver Island area too now. I look upon it as a new start for me socially with new rewards and potential new challenges, but something hopefully more progressive for me as a person, as a social entity. Most of my best quality friends are down there and some of those have always been there, but the rest have moved there from here and I long to see them all. I also hope to make some new friends and also go back to school and such.
Halloween was awesome. I got to hang out with the local furs and many a random and funny thing happened that night.
Anyways, since my last entry, many things have happened and circled into my mind. I went to an awesome wedding of KaniS and Murrah, I have become much more communicative and much less depressive and offensive, things in general have simplified and I feel a general sense of moving forward and more motivation to do such.
I've been going through counselling for almost a year now and it has helped a great deal with me understanding general social views and also how my feelings and way of life is connected to that. Well, that is the life that my life became, a life riddled with imposed guilt, imposed shame, imposed crap beliefs. These are the things I am smashing through, sometimes I have many personal revelations of why I do something in rapid succession and other times it's slow and my brain gets stuck in a loop. This imposed crap I speak of is the root of my anxiety disorder, it causes me to be afraid of nearly everything I do, which tends to cause me to shy away, clam up, or sometimes break down on other people or act kinda berserk and needy. We all as a sentient living being have basic needs in our life, those needs are food, shelter and most often overlooked, love. Love of a mate especially, followed by love of friends and then family. These are the things I seek to have and are very normal things, yet I was -ashamed- of that fact. The counselling has helped me realise where I went wrong versus where those who raised me (many peoples due to foster care). I was often beaten back verbally and emotionally rather than helped to understand a situation or understand why people and society are the way they are. I'm fighting to get past this, because I do want a more fulfilling life, because I, like you, need these basic things in life.
KaniS and Murrah's wedding was a great positive social experience for me. I got to meet new people (I already knew Murrah and had visited her when she was still in Winnipeg) and experience something that I wasn't dragged too and scowled upon to act a specific way (like weddings I've been to in my younger years). The people were great, the food was great. Ah yes, the food, it was all middle ages European style food, as such I got to taste some rather traditional things, even a homemade pate. We even went sailing a couple days later. I had never been sailing before in my life, not on the ocean anyways, but we went to Marina Del Mar at Synge's request and had a blast together. I did get beamed in the head once by the sail when jibing, but KaniS was a close second, so I can't feel too bad about that :P I got to see California for the first time ever and got a good look of the area as LA is rather spread apart. We went to a nature reserve as well where a photo of something I still wait on occurred. The feather punch incident :P it was pro. It was cool seeing the wildlife and flora of the area and I muchly enjoyed the experience.
I live on my own again now and find it a bit more peaceful. However I miss my friends that moved away to Nanaimo. I plan to move to the Vancouver or Vancouver Island area too now. I look upon it as a new start for me socially with new rewards and potential new challenges, but something hopefully more progressive for me as a person, as a social entity. Most of my best quality friends are down there and some of those have always been there, but the rest have moved there from here and I long to see them all. I also hope to make some new friends and also go back to school and such.
Halloween was awesome. I got to hang out with the local furs and many a random and funny thing happened that night.