mi trairis la rubikonon
My marriage with Leah has not been the best for some times. I do not measure up to her expectations. She doesn't give me what I need.
In 2018 she declared that she's going to act like she's single and "do what she's gotta do" which is Leah's passive-aggressive speak of fuck anything and anyone she can out of spite.
Near the crux of this issue is Edna. Edna owned a bookkeeping business, ran it out of her house, she lost a business partner, and because I was teaching myself bookkeeping with an online course she took me on as a new partner in hopes of giving the company new energy and training me in the trade.
My goal was always to do bookkeeping. Edna's goal was to do bookkeeping but, seemingly, de-stress from her home life because her marriage was already a bit troubled at the time. Sometimes she was here for a week. Other times she was here every single weekend. We became close, we became good friends.
All the time Leah believed I was doing things with Edna. For what it's worth, I never had any designs on Edna because she's married. Also has two kids. Troubled kids AFAIK. A house. A life. I could admire her but the dynamic was more like a brother and sister. Case in point, one time Edna was over and I went into the master bedroom when Leah was in bed for the night. I asked Edna to come in, we chatted with Leah about our day's accomplishments, and Leah shoo'ed us away. The next day Leah took me aside, said it's cute how we're like a brother and a sister but inviting Edna into the bedroom like that wasn't something she appreciates.
Other times Leah took me aside because she didn't like coming home to find me sitting on the couch with Edna leaning against my chest while watching To Kill A Mockingbird. We were both comfortable. There were no shenanigans. I was being appreciative of feeling another human, a kind and affectionate human, being against me. Another time Leah addressed us both, saying she's not comfortable how we're so close all the time. We began social distancing before it was cool. I was afraid my relationship with Edna was soured, complicated by the fact I was beginning to convey my frustration with Edna about the opportunities we could be taking but she just wasn't game. Maybe Edna's health issues, which were significant and are now mitigated, were getting in the way. Maybe Edna really wasn't into bookkeeping anymore and she just needed that time away from her husband to keep the peace within their marriage.
I left the bookkeeping business. Edna and I weren't the Bobbsey Twins anymore. I had mixed feelings because I wanted us to succeed for the sake of both of our families, yet we were stuck in the mud. Other mixed feelings came from the fact Edna was, and remains, precious and irreplaceable to me. I lost a friend.
Flash forward to 2018 again, Leah gives her declaration, I punch myself in the head during couples therapy because of a stressful situation. Everything just gets worse. Over the next few months when Leah deigns to speak with me, when she's not out doing what she's gotta do, Leah'd throw pointed questions at me. "So did you suck Edna's tits?" or "Did you fuck her?" or "Did she suck your cock?"
I'd look Leah dead in the eye and answer, "No." There was satisfaction watching her search my face, dark eyes darting back and forth in a manic saccade, while realizing I'm speaking the truth and her sex fantasy was for naught.
For some reason late 2018 and 2019 were a good year. 2020 was also quite good. Except Leah yelled at me over the situation regarding unemployment. Thanks to COVID-19 I was furloughed for two weeks. Collecting unemployment from the State of New Jersey right now is like getting blood from a stone. A month after submitting my request, I was finally cleared to claim. My mental issues got in the way, I felt defeated and just decided to ignore the UI benefits since we're doing quite well with the stimulus and Leah keeping her job. Leah blew up at me on May 31st or June 1st because there's been no direct deposit, she plays the whole "divide everything down the middle" card in addition to kicking me off her health insurance. It's the only way she'll allow me to save my money and use it how I see fit which tends to be being frugal. Tuesday morning I found a website where I could do a little web app and for $137.50 I could buy the documents for a no-fault divorce, get it signed then submit it to a judge who'll confirm it. I didn't pull the trigger. Yet I was devastated because I felt I was making good progress for myself and for the marriage, and the situation seemed to be healing or at least normalizing. Wednesday afternoon
On Saturday the 6th of June, around 4 p.m., I took a huge chance and drove out to Warminster. Edna was living in her house taking care of the kids while her husband lived in her apartment. Edna and her husband are separated, Edna identifies with a certain lifestyle and has been pursuing it. To her credit, she's been entirely above-board and been truthful which is part of her nature. Funny thing crosssed my mind while working from home, about how sometimes I think I could have a Lawful alignment but in contrast with Edna I'm probably closer to the Neutral or Chaotic parts of the spectrum. Ninety minutes later I arrive, park, mask-up, and knock at the door.
Edna is overjoyed to see me. We hug for minutes. There are tears in Edna's eyes. She welcomes me in, her daughter has grown a bit but her son is downstairs in the basement or somewhere. We park on the couch, talk, and one of her friends shows up. Oh boy. Edna talks a blue streak before getting up to prepare dinner and I have a little chat with her friend. It's not as awkward as I was expecting, though I kept hearing my inner voice saying, "You sound like someone's dad." Moreso when I bring up Yesterday by The Beatles and her friend doesn't know the song.
I'll repeat that phrase: (H)er friend doesn't know the song Yesterday by The Beatles.
Edna returns with a seltzer for me and Gamer Fuel for her friend, "Dinner will be ready in about 70 minutes."
I check my phone and it's 6:30-ish. I really oughta bounce.
Edna walks me out. I had to park all the way in the back so she can avoid neighbor drama over parking spaces in her development. I am so fucking grateful. I mean, she is Edna, but I reckon this was special. We wind up talking for an hour by the car, catching up, sharing what's been going on in our lives, and commiserating in general. And that's when Edna threw me a curveball.
Two curveballs, akshully.
She liked a voicemail I left her early on Mother's Day morning but didn't know how to respond. By early, I mean 3-4 in the morning. Also she asked if I could come back on Sunday to keep her company. She had an incident raising concerns and didn't want to be alone on Sunday.
I'm six to eight minutes from home when Leah texts to ask my whereabouts. I respond with a photo of the traffic light on Route 37 E and Hooper Avenue. I get home, no third degree, just say I needed a change of scenery and went for a long drive. Leah tells me she's going on a long hike in Staten Island and will be leaving around 9 and possibly be out 'til dinner. My evening is spent banging out four sections for Sunday's Anomalist, uploading them, and getting everything else Anomalist-related squared away for a Sunday away from home.
Sunday morning I fed the cats, took care of minor assigned chores around the house, grabbed a book and glasses before heading out. I've begun reading again and I'm quite pleased with myself. Read and completed Barsk and The Spaceship Next Door in a week. Astonishing after years of half-heartedly skimming short stories and being thwarted by shitty science fiction novels. Gunpowder Moon and The Outside if you must know. The book I brought is The Weird by the VanderMeers, an anthology of weird fiction. Anthologies are great because I can be happily interrupted and not feel daunted by the reading ahead of me. All last week I had Radiohead's Karma Police as an earworm. Okay, longer based on this post. The refrain, "For a minute there I lost myself" was echoing through my head and the meaning was clear. In all my attempts to please Leah, assuage her concerns, and make her happy I lost sight of who I was and doing myself a disservice by emotionally neglecting myself. Reading is an important part of my life. Not articles on the web nor the news, but books and short stories. Reckon my subconscious knew that was the best earworm to convey its message to the stubbornly oblivious conscious mind.
Another long drive into Pennsylvania and Edna's daughter lets me in. "She's still asleep upstairs, she says you can go up anyway."
Besides going downstairs to watch television, some show on FX called Dave, we chat and nap together until four.
I could barely sleep. Blood was thundering in my ears. My mind felt like it had racing thoughts, but really I had no thoughts at all. I was next to Edna. Edna was next to me. It was far more real, but just as profound, as tripping on mushrooms.
If only I could have stayed all day.
But no, Leah called me about her hike and the fun she had. I told her where I was, how Edna had a hint of a previous health issue and didn't want to be home alone so I had come out to Pennsy and give that company. "Well tell her that I need you home."
Which is what I did in hopes of keeping the peace.
Strange, isn't it? Leah couldn't give two shits a week ago. Two years ago she declared "I hate you. I don't care about you. I don't love you" in a fit of anger like a rabid gorilla. I went downstairs, told Edna I had to leave, and we went back upstairs to talk some more. I felt terrible that I was still at the beck and call of Leah. If I phoned her while she was out having one of her flings and said she needed to come home, she wouldn't have come home. She wouldn't have picked up the phone at all. Even if she did pick up by some chance, she'd be furious at me. Yell about how I need to be more responsible for myself rather than bothering her over stupid shit.
Assuming I'd be able to get a word in edgewise.
But I told Leah the truth. Not the whole truth but enough truth. She kept asking, "You, of all people, she calls out of the blue. What do you think that means? Doesn't she have other people?" I could hear the contempt in her voice. She was angry. She mocked me saying that I had rushed out to see Edna. Yet I felt strong because I had Edna's company. I had affirmation that I mattered, rather than being written off as "weird" or "impulsive" or worse.
And for that grain of sand from my hourglass, I will forever be grateful.
I can only hope more like that one will fall into the bottom chamber until I am completely buried. Yet I must be pragmatic, even if pragmatism means pessimism.
On the bright side, I work in-county on Tuesday and will be talking with my therapist on Wednesday around lunchtime.
Thank you for reading.
In 2018 she declared that she's going to act like she's single and "do what she's gotta do" which is Leah's passive-aggressive speak of fuck anything and anyone she can out of spite.
Near the crux of this issue is Edna. Edna owned a bookkeeping business, ran it out of her house, she lost a business partner, and because I was teaching myself bookkeeping with an online course she took me on as a new partner in hopes of giving the company new energy and training me in the trade.
My goal was always to do bookkeeping. Edna's goal was to do bookkeeping but, seemingly, de-stress from her home life because her marriage was already a bit troubled at the time. Sometimes she was here for a week. Other times she was here every single weekend. We became close, we became good friends.
All the time Leah believed I was doing things with Edna. For what it's worth, I never had any designs on Edna because she's married. Also has two kids. Troubled kids AFAIK. A house. A life. I could admire her but the dynamic was more like a brother and sister. Case in point, one time Edna was over and I went into the master bedroom when Leah was in bed for the night. I asked Edna to come in, we chatted with Leah about our day's accomplishments, and Leah shoo'ed us away. The next day Leah took me aside, said it's cute how we're like a brother and a sister but inviting Edna into the bedroom like that wasn't something she appreciates.
Other times Leah took me aside because she didn't like coming home to find me sitting on the couch with Edna leaning against my chest while watching To Kill A Mockingbird. We were both comfortable. There were no shenanigans. I was being appreciative of feeling another human, a kind and affectionate human, being against me. Another time Leah addressed us both, saying she's not comfortable how we're so close all the time. We began social distancing before it was cool. I was afraid my relationship with Edna was soured, complicated by the fact I was beginning to convey my frustration with Edna about the opportunities we could be taking but she just wasn't game. Maybe Edna's health issues, which were significant and are now mitigated, were getting in the way. Maybe Edna really wasn't into bookkeeping anymore and she just needed that time away from her husband to keep the peace within their marriage.
I left the bookkeeping business. Edna and I weren't the Bobbsey Twins anymore. I had mixed feelings because I wanted us to succeed for the sake of both of our families, yet we were stuck in the mud. Other mixed feelings came from the fact Edna was, and remains, precious and irreplaceable to me. I lost a friend.
Flash forward to 2018 again, Leah gives her declaration, I punch myself in the head during couples therapy because of a stressful situation. Everything just gets worse. Over the next few months when Leah deigns to speak with me, when she's not out doing what she's gotta do, Leah'd throw pointed questions at me. "So did you suck Edna's tits?" or "Did you fuck her?" or "Did she suck your cock?"
I'd look Leah dead in the eye and answer, "No." There was satisfaction watching her search my face, dark eyes darting back and forth in a manic saccade, while realizing I'm speaking the truth and her sex fantasy was for naught.
For some reason late 2018 and 2019 were a good year. 2020 was also quite good. Except Leah yelled at me over the situation regarding unemployment. Thanks to COVID-19 I was furloughed for two weeks. Collecting unemployment from the State of New Jersey right now is like getting blood from a stone. A month after submitting my request, I was finally cleared to claim. My mental issues got in the way, I felt defeated and just decided to ignore the UI benefits since we're doing quite well with the stimulus and Leah keeping her job. Leah blew up at me on May 31st or June 1st because there's been no direct deposit, she plays the whole "divide everything down the middle" card in addition to kicking me off her health insurance. It's the only way she'll allow me to save my money and use it how I see fit which tends to be being frugal. Tuesday morning I found a website where I could do a little web app and for $137.50 I could buy the documents for a no-fault divorce, get it signed then submit it to a judge who'll confirm it. I didn't pull the trigger. Yet I was devastated because I felt I was making good progress for myself and for the marriage, and the situation seemed to be healing or at least normalizing. Wednesday afternoon
On Saturday the 6th of June, around 4 p.m., I took a huge chance and drove out to Warminster. Edna was living in her house taking care of the kids while her husband lived in her apartment. Edna and her husband are separated, Edna identifies with a certain lifestyle and has been pursuing it. To her credit, she's been entirely above-board and been truthful which is part of her nature. Funny thing crosssed my mind while working from home, about how sometimes I think I could have a Lawful alignment but in contrast with Edna I'm probably closer to the Neutral or Chaotic parts of the spectrum. Ninety minutes later I arrive, park, mask-up, and knock at the door.
Edna is overjoyed to see me. We hug for minutes. There are tears in Edna's eyes. She welcomes me in, her daughter has grown a bit but her son is downstairs in the basement or somewhere. We park on the couch, talk, and one of her friends shows up. Oh boy. Edna talks a blue streak before getting up to prepare dinner and I have a little chat with her friend. It's not as awkward as I was expecting, though I kept hearing my inner voice saying, "You sound like someone's dad." Moreso when I bring up Yesterday by The Beatles and her friend doesn't know the song.
I'll repeat that phrase: (H)er friend doesn't know the song Yesterday by The Beatles.
Edna returns with a seltzer for me and Gamer Fuel for her friend, "Dinner will be ready in about 70 minutes."
I check my phone and it's 6:30-ish. I really oughta bounce.
Edna walks me out. I had to park all the way in the back so she can avoid neighbor drama over parking spaces in her development. I am so fucking grateful. I mean, she is Edna, but I reckon this was special. We wind up talking for an hour by the car, catching up, sharing what's been going on in our lives, and commiserating in general. And that's when Edna threw me a curveball.
Two curveballs, akshully.
She liked a voicemail I left her early on Mother's Day morning but didn't know how to respond. By early, I mean 3-4 in the morning. Also she asked if I could come back on Sunday to keep her company. She had an incident raising concerns and didn't want to be alone on Sunday.
I'm six to eight minutes from home when Leah texts to ask my whereabouts. I respond with a photo of the traffic light on Route 37 E and Hooper Avenue. I get home, no third degree, just say I needed a change of scenery and went for a long drive. Leah tells me she's going on a long hike in Staten Island and will be leaving around 9 and possibly be out 'til dinner. My evening is spent banging out four sections for Sunday's Anomalist, uploading them, and getting everything else Anomalist-related squared away for a Sunday away from home.
Sunday morning I fed the cats, took care of minor assigned chores around the house, grabbed a book and glasses before heading out. I've begun reading again and I'm quite pleased with myself. Read and completed Barsk and The Spaceship Next Door in a week. Astonishing after years of half-heartedly skimming short stories and being thwarted by shitty science fiction novels. Gunpowder Moon and The Outside if you must know. The book I brought is The Weird by the VanderMeers, an anthology of weird fiction. Anthologies are great because I can be happily interrupted and not feel daunted by the reading ahead of me. All last week I had Radiohead's Karma Police as an earworm. Okay, longer based on this post. The refrain, "For a minute there I lost myself" was echoing through my head and the meaning was clear. In all my attempts to please Leah, assuage her concerns, and make her happy I lost sight of who I was and doing myself a disservice by emotionally neglecting myself. Reading is an important part of my life. Not articles on the web nor the news, but books and short stories. Reckon my subconscious knew that was the best earworm to convey its message to the stubbornly oblivious conscious mind.
Another long drive into Pennsylvania and Edna's daughter lets me in. "She's still asleep upstairs, she says you can go up anyway."
Besides going downstairs to watch television, some show on FX called Dave, we chat and nap together until four.
I could barely sleep. Blood was thundering in my ears. My mind felt like it had racing thoughts, but really I had no thoughts at all. I was next to Edna. Edna was next to me. It was far more real, but just as profound, as tripping on mushrooms.
If only I could have stayed all day.
But no, Leah called me about her hike and the fun she had. I told her where I was, how Edna had a hint of a previous health issue and didn't want to be home alone so I had come out to Pennsy and give that company. "Well tell her that I need you home."
Which is what I did in hopes of keeping the peace.
Strange, isn't it? Leah couldn't give two shits a week ago. Two years ago she declared "I hate you. I don't care about you. I don't love you" in a fit of anger like a rabid gorilla. I went downstairs, told Edna I had to leave, and we went back upstairs to talk some more. I felt terrible that I was still at the beck and call of Leah. If I phoned her while she was out having one of her flings and said she needed to come home, she wouldn't have come home. She wouldn't have picked up the phone at all. Even if she did pick up by some chance, she'd be furious at me. Yell about how I need to be more responsible for myself rather than bothering her over stupid shit.
Assuming I'd be able to get a word in edgewise.
But I told Leah the truth. Not the whole truth but enough truth. She kept asking, "You, of all people, she calls out of the blue. What do you think that means? Doesn't she have other people?" I could hear the contempt in her voice. She was angry. She mocked me saying that I had rushed out to see Edna. Yet I felt strong because I had Edna's company. I had affirmation that I mattered, rather than being written off as "weird" or "impulsive" or worse.
And for that grain of sand from my hourglass, I will forever be grateful.
I can only hope more like that one will fall into the bottom chamber until I am completely buried. Yet I must be pragmatic, even if pragmatism means pessimism.
On the bright side, I work in-county on Tuesday and will be talking with my therapist on Wednesday around lunchtime.
Thank you for reading.