(no subject)
I changed my theme again to better fit me as a person, with some things that I like. I've been needing to get out some things that have been bothering me, since I have no one to talk to about anything. I feel like my journal has been abandoned, and that I "kiddie"-fied it too much (though I loved my hippie theme) and I didn't want to really post on here anymore. I thought about making a new one that no one knew about. But I know that none of my old friends are even on here to see it anymore and if they are, none of them talk to me anymore and my posts would get skipped over. So here I am, with Foxxy (my dog) at my feet posting the first of probably many posts about random crap that's getting on my nerves. Since I don't have any people to talk to, LJ will be my therapist in the sense that I can "talk" my problems out. Not that it'll get them resolved.
I feel like I have no one left in the world. I don't even know if I consider Rob and I to be friends anymore the way he's gotten so distant with me. I have no friends at all. Any that I ever had would drop me in an instant. And they did. Every once in a while, I get to talk to a few people online, but that doesn't really get anywhere. I'm cooped up in my apartment all day and have no friends to physically talk to or hang out with. I never see the outside. Somedays I don't even want to open the curtains because I know I'm trapped in here. Today, I took Foxxy out, and it's beautiful. But there's nowhere for me to go. I don't have a car, since mine broke down a year ago. I don't even know if I know how to drive anymore. I had to quit my job because the manager was on a rampage and was going to fire me any day. I can't love life like I want to because I don't even have one.
Rob lets his mom trash talk me behind my back and to my face. Now he has her harrassing me about getting a job, too. I'm so sick of everyone getting on my case. Yeah, I know the bills are piling up and we don't even have money for food, but you know what? I feel good in a way because for once, it's all HIS money going to this stuff. Before I met him, I had at the very least $700 in my bank account. I also had a box with loose change and dollars in it building up for whatever reason. When we got together, I started spending more money on things. Then I'd have to help him out with things, or he'd need to borrow money. I still haven't been paid back. Yeah, that bothers me. I was saving money for a laptop (which I do have now) but that got set back because I had to take money out of my savings box. Then, I was saving money to get my own place. He was getting a car, but didn't have all the money. He had $400. $500 was added by me. I haven't seen that either. Then when the tires blew out, or there were some other problems, it came from ME. Then I get yelled at and called irresponsible with money and people are jumping down my throat and I'm taking in all the stress and Rob doesn't even understand why. I have no money anymore, my bank account is always under $50 and often overdrawn, and I have to cover his ass. For what? I don't get a thank you. I get "I promise I'll pay you back" and that never goes through either. I feel like I can't even trust him and he's becoming like his mom. I can't cry or show any emotion in front of him because he thinks I'm being stupid or starts yelling at me for something. I have to hide away to do it. Then, if I say something about how I'm stressed out, I get a comment like, "Oh, your life is so hard!" and he makes me feel worse. I know he didn't want to live with me. I don't know why he did. My mom kicked me out and basically forced me into it with him. Now I'm stuck because no one else would ever take me in. He doesn't want to change. I've changed so much to please him, and I'm sick of it. Now I'm in a situation where I'm trying to change myself into something that I want instead so maybe I can be happy. I've gained 40lbs since meeting him because of the stress he and his family put on me. I related that with eating. Now I'm trying to shed that, and I can't even get support from it. I'm litterally alone.
I've put in a few applications to work places, not that I'll have a way there unless--oh joy!--his mom comes over every single fucking day. He says his boss won't hire me (it's a small landscaping business who takes anyone) but yet, I hear his mom saying that he was asking her to work. She has a job already. Why not me? I can do any of that stuff! It makes me wonder if he's even mentioned me. He just wants to get away from me. I can't get a job, the stress is killing me. I'm getting sick everyday and no one bothers to see how I'm doing. I'm wishing I could go back in time and just start over.
He thinks he's some kind of dog god because he watched the Dog Whisperer and reads Cesar Millan's books. He has it in his head that he wants to start a pet care business. I know it won't go through because, just like everything else he said he's going to start doing, he's finding reasons of why he can't do it, or he'll say, "I just can't get motivated," or say how he just can't get it started for one reason or another. I'm so sick of that. He's getting too cocky with this dog thing though. And he's bossing ME around and telling ME what to do in the process. I'm sorry for being "unstable" there's a lot on my fucking plate and I'm getting no help. I've stopped cleaning the house because as soon as I'm done after hours breaking my back, he'll just pile dishes back up or throw clothes down or undo something else I've done. Then if I make a comment on it, "Well why don't you clean something up once in a while? I always do it!" No!!!! I DO IT!!!!!!
I just can't take this anymore. If it wasn't for the fact that I want to protect my animals, I'd be finding someway to just die. I feel like I want to every day. He'll never get it. He'll never see why. I shouldn't have to cover for him and say everything's okay and let him "tell mommy" on me so there's one more person on my back. I wish I could reach out for help, but no one takes me seriously. They have their minds made up about me. I'm just stuck living in a world where I'm a victim and I can't do anything. No matter how much abuse I take.
I feel like I have no one left in the world. I don't even know if I consider Rob and I to be friends anymore the way he's gotten so distant with me. I have no friends at all. Any that I ever had would drop me in an instant. And they did. Every once in a while, I get to talk to a few people online, but that doesn't really get anywhere. I'm cooped up in my apartment all day and have no friends to physically talk to or hang out with. I never see the outside. Somedays I don't even want to open the curtains because I know I'm trapped in here. Today, I took Foxxy out, and it's beautiful. But there's nowhere for me to go. I don't have a car, since mine broke down a year ago. I don't even know if I know how to drive anymore. I had to quit my job because the manager was on a rampage and was going to fire me any day. I can't love life like I want to because I don't even have one.
Rob lets his mom trash talk me behind my back and to my face. Now he has her harrassing me about getting a job, too. I'm so sick of everyone getting on my case. Yeah, I know the bills are piling up and we don't even have money for food, but you know what? I feel good in a way because for once, it's all HIS money going to this stuff. Before I met him, I had at the very least $700 in my bank account. I also had a box with loose change and dollars in it building up for whatever reason. When we got together, I started spending more money on things. Then I'd have to help him out with things, or he'd need to borrow money. I still haven't been paid back. Yeah, that bothers me. I was saving money for a laptop (which I do have now) but that got set back because I had to take money out of my savings box. Then, I was saving money to get my own place. He was getting a car, but didn't have all the money. He had $400. $500 was added by me. I haven't seen that either. Then when the tires blew out, or there were some other problems, it came from ME. Then I get yelled at and called irresponsible with money and people are jumping down my throat and I'm taking in all the stress and Rob doesn't even understand why. I have no money anymore, my bank account is always under $50 and often overdrawn, and I have to cover his ass. For what? I don't get a thank you. I get "I promise I'll pay you back" and that never goes through either. I feel like I can't even trust him and he's becoming like his mom. I can't cry or show any emotion in front of him because he thinks I'm being stupid or starts yelling at me for something. I have to hide away to do it. Then, if I say something about how I'm stressed out, I get a comment like, "Oh, your life is so hard!" and he makes me feel worse. I know he didn't want to live with me. I don't know why he did. My mom kicked me out and basically forced me into it with him. Now I'm stuck because no one else would ever take me in. He doesn't want to change. I've changed so much to please him, and I'm sick of it. Now I'm in a situation where I'm trying to change myself into something that I want instead so maybe I can be happy. I've gained 40lbs since meeting him because of the stress he and his family put on me. I related that with eating. Now I'm trying to shed that, and I can't even get support from it. I'm litterally alone.
I've put in a few applications to work places, not that I'll have a way there unless--oh joy!--his mom comes over every single fucking day. He says his boss won't hire me (it's a small landscaping business who takes anyone) but yet, I hear his mom saying that he was asking her to work. She has a job already. Why not me? I can do any of that stuff! It makes me wonder if he's even mentioned me. He just wants to get away from me. I can't get a job, the stress is killing me. I'm getting sick everyday and no one bothers to see how I'm doing. I'm wishing I could go back in time and just start over.
He thinks he's some kind of dog god because he watched the Dog Whisperer and reads Cesar Millan's books. He has it in his head that he wants to start a pet care business. I know it won't go through because, just like everything else he said he's going to start doing, he's finding reasons of why he can't do it, or he'll say, "I just can't get motivated," or say how he just can't get it started for one reason or another. I'm so sick of that. He's getting too cocky with this dog thing though. And he's bossing ME around and telling ME what to do in the process. I'm sorry for being "unstable" there's a lot on my fucking plate and I'm getting no help. I've stopped cleaning the house because as soon as I'm done after hours breaking my back, he'll just pile dishes back up or throw clothes down or undo something else I've done. Then if I make a comment on it, "Well why don't you clean something up once in a while? I always do it!" No!!!! I DO IT!!!!!!
I just can't take this anymore. If it wasn't for the fact that I want to protect my animals, I'd be finding someway to just die. I feel like I want to every day. He'll never get it. He'll never see why. I shouldn't have to cover for him and say everything's okay and let him "tell mommy" on me so there's one more person on my back. I wish I could reach out for help, but no one takes me seriously. They have their minds made up about me. I'm just stuck living in a world where I'm a victim and I can't do anything. No matter how much abuse I take.