This one was random...but it makes somewhat sense.
I kicked all of my dirty habits...well the harmful ones anyways. I'm growing out of my college smoking and drug use phase. Thats right, no more cigarettes, ganj, or shrooms (and etc) for this guy. I figured, why am torturing myself like this? Yeah, life is hard and I've been through a lot of pain...and most of those things are what got me through the day...but there comes a time when you have to ask yourself "how meaningful is your life when you have to resort to a joint or a cigarette to be happy?" I remembered, the only reason why I smoked so much ganj last year was cause I wanted to escape...and forget who I am and where I was. How sad was that? Instead of looking at my problems head on...like a man should...I ran away from it. I went to my own world, where everything was numb...and that was fine by me. Numbness meant nothing can hurt you...nothing can remind you that you are human...and that humans are suppose to feel pain...and be scared...and hate. Being high was my time of complete Nirvana...where the world around me finally stops spinning...and for those couple of hours...I can just be. Not a human...not a part of the social community.....I was just...there...(and as cliche as it sounds) I was one with world...a rock....the wind...it didnt matter...I was just there...existing. Reaching that Nirvana...I had no thoughts....no fears....no pressure...no pain....no love....no hate....I was just there.
As pleasantly relaxing as that may sound....this was no way to live life. Even with smoking cigarettes...the only reason why I did it was to escape pressure. I mean...it doesn't have the same effects as marijuana...but mentally, the world moved a whole lot slower when I stepped outside in the breeze to light one up. However, when it came to the point where I would light one up almost every 30 minutes....I came to realize, what the fuck is wrong with me. Am I so discontent with my own life that I have to rely on this to actually get me through it? I always hated myself when I was high. I always hated the fact that people saw me as a hippie stoner. I hated the fact that most of my friendships revolved around getting high. When not getting high, we laugh about getting high...and reminisce about the times we got high. Sex...drugs...and sometimes a little rock and roll. I hated myself and what I became. I hated the fact that I used the word "FUCK" in every sentence because my brain couldnt articulate words quickly enough...so I resort to the one word everyone knows. "Dude, I fucking hate school man...fuck this shit...I cant stand fucking life anymore....yo did you see that fucking episode of...FUCK!! I cant remember the fucking name of that show...FUCK!" Smoking cigarettes was no better. I always hated the fact that I smoked so many cigarettes. I hated the fact that people kept telling me how bad it was for me. I KNOW THAT! WHAT YOU THINK I'M A CHILD WHO'S JUST CURIOUS ABOUT A BURING STOVE. FUCK YOU AND THE HIGH AND MIGHTY HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!! As much pleasure that these habits brought to me...they brought an equal amount of pain and shame.
I'm glad to say that I staying clean now. I dont know...maybe one day I would resort back to the old ways...who am I kidding. Like Max say this is me and its in my blood...broken, afraid, and screaming out for help...never to understand my real purpose in life and why I was actually born...a busted condom baby...an accident....funny how close I was from not even even existing. Who knows, maybe one day I will find out those answers. But for now...life is just....well...life. There is no complexity to it. It's life....the feeling of the warm sunrise....the joy of hearing a child's laugh...thats life. You do not need anything else to help you define it because it defines itself. Happiness is found from within you, not with things you consume. With happiness...of course there will be pain. But that's life, contant struggle and chaos in order to maintain constant balance. C'est la vie.
Even if your life might not be what you want it to be....just be thankful for the life you already have.
My roommate....a philosophy major ( and a flamboyantly gay ex-theater major...hmm I have a lot of gay friends come to think of it lol)...asked me one night..."What is the meaning of it all...life...the reason why we're here...our existence?" I just simply asked him...without a second of thought..."Why waste all this time questioning life...when you can actually go out and enjoy life for what it is. Good or bad...we are still here and were not going anywhere...for now."
P.S. - Canada is so much cooler and sexier than the U.S....thought that people should know that.
As pleasantly relaxing as that may sound....this was no way to live life. Even with smoking cigarettes...the only reason why I did it was to escape pressure. I mean...it doesn't have the same effects as marijuana...but mentally, the world moved a whole lot slower when I stepped outside in the breeze to light one up. However, when it came to the point where I would light one up almost every 30 minutes....I came to realize, what the fuck is wrong with me. Am I so discontent with my own life that I have to rely on this to actually get me through it? I always hated myself when I was high. I always hated the fact that people saw me as a hippie stoner. I hated the fact that most of my friendships revolved around getting high. When not getting high, we laugh about getting high...and reminisce about the times we got high. Sex...drugs...and sometimes a little rock and roll. I hated myself and what I became. I hated the fact that I used the word "FUCK" in every sentence because my brain couldnt articulate words quickly enough...so I resort to the one word everyone knows. "Dude, I fucking hate school man...fuck this shit...I cant stand fucking life anymore....yo did you see that fucking episode of...FUCK!! I cant remember the fucking name of that show...FUCK!" Smoking cigarettes was no better. I always hated the fact that I smoked so many cigarettes. I hated the fact that people kept telling me how bad it was for me. I KNOW THAT! WHAT YOU THINK I'M A CHILD WHO'S JUST CURIOUS ABOUT A BURING STOVE. FUCK YOU AND THE HIGH AND MIGHTY HORSE YOU RODE IN ON!! As much pleasure that these habits brought to me...they brought an equal amount of pain and shame.
I'm glad to say that I staying clean now. I dont know...maybe one day I would resort back to the old ways...who am I kidding. Like Max say this is me and its in my blood...broken, afraid, and screaming out for help...never to understand my real purpose in life and why I was actually born...a busted condom baby...an accident....funny how close I was from not even even existing. Who knows, maybe one day I will find out those answers. But for now...life is just....well...life. There is no complexity to it. It's life....the feeling of the warm sunrise....the joy of hearing a child's laugh...thats life. You do not need anything else to help you define it because it defines itself. Happiness is found from within you, not with things you consume. With happiness...of course there will be pain. But that's life, contant struggle and chaos in order to maintain constant balance. C'est la vie.
Even if your life might not be what you want it to be....just be thankful for the life you already have.
My roommate....a philosophy major ( and a flamboyantly gay ex-theater major...hmm I have a lot of gay friends come to think of it lol)...asked me one night..."What is the meaning of it all...life...the reason why we're here...our existence?" I just simply asked him...without a second of thought..."Why waste all this time questioning life...when you can actually go out and enjoy life for what it is. Good or bad...we are still here and were not going anywhere...for now."
P.S. - Canada is so much cooler and sexier than the U.S....thought that people should know that.