to chase away a dark November in my soul
There is apparently a Moby Dick opera, and that's a line from it. How apropos.
Honestly, November is usually my favorite month and this time around it's been totally sucking bag. For those of you that might not know, I went back to college (part time) in September, at Plymouth State, where I've been before, where I've spent some of the most non-depressed days of my life, where the balance of my experience had been (I would cautiously posit) good; which I had kindly and nostalgic feelings toward UP UNTIL THE DAY classes started. Then, my brain just decided everything sucked.
Maybe it's just being around gorgeous well-dressed young college girls that turns my self-loathing up to 11? IDK. Like, I thought I had made peace with who I am and what I look like, but the second I step out the door and into public space I feel like some kind of smelly space cockroach. Anxiety is a total assache, I guess.
It seems dumb to be almost 26 and still whining about how I still hate myself most of the time and I don't fit in anywheeeeeeeere and no one liiiiiiiikes me and I still don't have a goddamn job and college is too haaaaaaaard for my dumb brain, but hey. Sometimes I gotta whine.
Everything just seems so goddamn difficult. I mean, I get that being a grownup is hard and everything, but there has to be something useful I can do that doesn't make me feel like punching myself in the face. It's hard to explain, except that, no matter what I do, my brain berates me for it. If I say nothing, I looked dumb and should've spoken up. If I join a conversation, I offended everyone and sounded like an idiot. If I stay home, I'm being avoidant and wasting my life. If I go out, I want to crawl in a hole and curl up into a useless ball of anxiety. etc.
It's not quiiiiiiite as bad as it sounds, there are some occasional glimmers of progress, but I just felt like letting out a month's worth of accumulated frustration. Life is irritating sometimes.
Honestly, November is usually my favorite month and this time around it's been totally sucking bag. For those of you that might not know, I went back to college (part time) in September, at Plymouth State, where I've been before, where I've spent some of the most non-depressed days of my life, where the balance of my experience had been (I would cautiously posit) good; which I had kindly and nostalgic feelings toward UP UNTIL THE DAY classes started. Then, my brain just decided everything sucked.
Maybe it's just being around gorgeous well-dressed young college girls that turns my self-loathing up to 11? IDK. Like, I thought I had made peace with who I am and what I look like, but the second I step out the door and into public space I feel like some kind of smelly space cockroach. Anxiety is a total assache, I guess.
It seems dumb to be almost 26 and still whining about how I still hate myself most of the time and I don't fit in anywheeeeeeeere and no one liiiiiiiikes me and I still don't have a goddamn job and college is too haaaaaaaard for my dumb brain, but hey. Sometimes I gotta whine.
Everything just seems so goddamn difficult. I mean, I get that being a grownup is hard and everything, but there has to be something useful I can do that doesn't make me feel like punching myself in the face. It's hard to explain, except that, no matter what I do, my brain berates me for it. If I say nothing, I looked dumb and should've spoken up. If I join a conversation, I offended everyone and sounded like an idiot. If I stay home, I'm being avoidant and wasting my life. If I go out, I want to crawl in a hole and curl up into a useless ball of anxiety. etc.
It's not quiiiiiiite as bad as it sounds, there are some occasional glimmers of progress, but I just felt like letting out a month's worth of accumulated frustration. Life is irritating sometimes.