I carved your name into my eyelids.
You pray for rain,
I pray for blindness.
Here goes a pointless rant.. you might want to grab some popcorn and a good album if you're going to stick with me on this one. Congrats if you do.
I honestly have nothing interesting to say but I need to talk. I know I write in here so often, but I still feel like I'm holding so much inside and that I haven't actually expressed myself.. which seems to be the only thing I really know how to do. Even writing in here for self therapy has seemed to lose effect, along with several other aspects of my life.
The events of Tuesday night are still haunting my thoughts and I'm not expecting that to change in the near future. I know it sounds so cliche and "high school", but I feel like something is just missing from my life. I know the decision was [somewhat] mutual and that yes, it is for the best because yes, it is impossible, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about it for a while.
I've had few people succeed in cheering me up for more than a second, but it never lasted for very long. Maybe I just need this time to be sad, maybe I really needed two nights in a row of crying myself to.. well, not sleep, because I haven't slept.. but whatever. Maybe tonight will be a needed third night. Hopefully not, but we'll see how it goes. I'm really hoping for sleep tonight though, although it's already past 2 AM and my mind is racing, despite my body aching.
My horrible immune system is catching up to me once again. I've been fairly lucky since school started that I haven't been as "sick" as I was this summer. But unfortunately that "sickness" is showing signs of returning, and I'm afraid it's for the worst. I'm also not trying very hard to stop it, so there's no use in looking for pity. Not that I ever really have.
So the hopeful plan to spend New Years in NYC is no longer existent. Nor is the trip to Providence over the summer, and also the plan to go to Boston for school next year. Sorry Arizona, you're going to be seeing a lot more of me. I know, it's unfortunate for me, too.
In my last entry I had said that this is the start of a new chapter in my life, as obviously the most common metaphor that would fit in my situation. That epiphany, of me thinking "hey, maybe this is a great thing, to just start over and live my life freely!" lasted until I hit the "post" button.
I still stick to the idea of not going back to the past though, or at least not past guys. I really do need someone new and fresh in my life. My past always drags me back down, and feeling pretty low as it is, that's the least I need right now. Not that I'm necessarily looking for a guy right now, because there's no way I'm going to do that whole "rebound" nonsense. If something is going to happen it better be legitimate, and I'll go out of my way to prove it is. I've learned from this past chapter in my life (I sound so ridiculous saying that) that I'm a fighter. I never knew how emotionally tough I could be. Well, sometimes. Admitting that I've cried myself to "sleep" the past few nights doesn't really defend my case. But anyone who knows the situation.. You know how hard I worked to hold on and how tough I fought for what I wanted. Unfortunately I lost, but you know what, at least I tried. The saying is true; you never know until you try.
I've always been the person who is accepting, who will give almost anyone a try, at least just a little. I'm happy to let anyone into my life and share my thoughts, ideas, and stories with them. Honestly, I will love anyone who will listen, because sometimes I just have so much to say. I don't want this situation to turn me into the girl who is afraid to trust because she's been hurt. I've been that girl and I overcame it because I found someone who proved that not all guys are like that. I wasn't that naive to think that ALL guys are like that, but unfortunately the majority of the ones I've encountered as more than just friends have been like that. I've grown (obviously not physically.. unfortunately) from that, though. I'm still going to trust and I'm still going to give people a chance. Chances are a little limited right now, but once I have fully accepted what I'm going through, I'm sure it'll get better.
Maybe I'm not even making sense right now. I hate when my writing starts to become confusing and hardly understandable to anyone but myself. I wish I could just state the main points of what's going on in my head, but anyone who knows me knows that that is absolutely impossible. There is no "Reader's Digest" version to my brain.. it's all or nothing. Maybe the main point, just one main point to all this nonsense floating around in my brain, is that I'm hurting. I don't care how "junior high post-break up/first Taking Back Sunday album" that might sound, but it's the truth. I'm hurting right now. I know that my situation is not as bad as other people's experiences, and I know that I will be okay. I'll be okay. We'll all be okay. Everything will be alright. I know that, but that's eventually. Eventually things will be fine and better and happy and full of rainbows and flowers. But right now I need this raincloud over my head, it's part of the process. The circle of life.
Alright, restating main point: I'm hurting but I'll be okay.
I pray for blindness.
Here goes a pointless rant.. you might want to grab some popcorn and a good album if you're going to stick with me on this one. Congrats if you do.
I honestly have nothing interesting to say but I need to talk. I know I write in here so often, but I still feel like I'm holding so much inside and that I haven't actually expressed myself.. which seems to be the only thing I really know how to do. Even writing in here for self therapy has seemed to lose effect, along with several other aspects of my life.
The events of Tuesday night are still haunting my thoughts and I'm not expecting that to change in the near future. I know it sounds so cliche and "high school", but I feel like something is just missing from my life. I know the decision was [somewhat] mutual and that yes, it is for the best because yes, it is impossible, but that doesn't mean I can't be sad about it for a while.
I've had few people succeed in cheering me up for more than a second, but it never lasted for very long. Maybe I just need this time to be sad, maybe I really needed two nights in a row of crying myself to.. well, not sleep, because I haven't slept.. but whatever. Maybe tonight will be a needed third night. Hopefully not, but we'll see how it goes. I'm really hoping for sleep tonight though, although it's already past 2 AM and my mind is racing, despite my body aching.
My horrible immune system is catching up to me once again. I've been fairly lucky since school started that I haven't been as "sick" as I was this summer. But unfortunately that "sickness" is showing signs of returning, and I'm afraid it's for the worst. I'm also not trying very hard to stop it, so there's no use in looking for pity. Not that I ever really have.
So the hopeful plan to spend New Years in NYC is no longer existent. Nor is the trip to Providence over the summer, and also the plan to go to Boston for school next year. Sorry Arizona, you're going to be seeing a lot more of me. I know, it's unfortunate for me, too.
In my last entry I had said that this is the start of a new chapter in my life, as obviously the most common metaphor that would fit in my situation. That epiphany, of me thinking "hey, maybe this is a great thing, to just start over and live my life freely!" lasted until I hit the "post" button.
I still stick to the idea of not going back to the past though, or at least not past guys. I really do need someone new and fresh in my life. My past always drags me back down, and feeling pretty low as it is, that's the least I need right now. Not that I'm necessarily looking for a guy right now, because there's no way I'm going to do that whole "rebound" nonsense. If something is going to happen it better be legitimate, and I'll go out of my way to prove it is. I've learned from this past chapter in my life (I sound so ridiculous saying that) that I'm a fighter. I never knew how emotionally tough I could be. Well, sometimes. Admitting that I've cried myself to "sleep" the past few nights doesn't really defend my case. But anyone who knows the situation.. You know how hard I worked to hold on and how tough I fought for what I wanted. Unfortunately I lost, but you know what, at least I tried. The saying is true; you never know until you try.
I've always been the person who is accepting, who will give almost anyone a try, at least just a little. I'm happy to let anyone into my life and share my thoughts, ideas, and stories with them. Honestly, I will love anyone who will listen, because sometimes I just have so much to say. I don't want this situation to turn me into the girl who is afraid to trust because she's been hurt. I've been that girl and I overcame it because I found someone who proved that not all guys are like that. I wasn't that naive to think that ALL guys are like that, but unfortunately the majority of the ones I've encountered as more than just friends have been like that. I've grown (obviously not physically.. unfortunately) from that, though. I'm still going to trust and I'm still going to give people a chance. Chances are a little limited right now, but once I have fully accepted what I'm going through, I'm sure it'll get better.
Maybe I'm not even making sense right now. I hate when my writing starts to become confusing and hardly understandable to anyone but myself. I wish I could just state the main points of what's going on in my head, but anyone who knows me knows that that is absolutely impossible. There is no "Reader's Digest" version to my brain.. it's all or nothing. Maybe the main point, just one main point to all this nonsense floating around in my brain, is that I'm hurting. I don't care how "junior high post-break up/first Taking Back Sunday album" that might sound, but it's the truth. I'm hurting right now. I know that my situation is not as bad as other people's experiences, and I know that I will be okay. I'll be okay. We'll all be okay. Everything will be alright. I know that, but that's eventually. Eventually things will be fine and better and happy and full of rainbows and flowers. But right now I need this raincloud over my head, it's part of the process. The circle of life.
Alright, restating main point: I'm hurting but I'll be okay.