Maybe one day things will be okay again.
it's hard to go into detail, but last night Chris decided that we're not going to be more than friends anymore.
we're still talking, still on good terms, still do want to be together, but we just can't.
I understood and agreed with all his reasons, even though I wish it didn't have to happen.
we're both so busy with our separate lives, and he just doesn't feel like texting all the time is enough.
I mean, I understand that, I want someone that I can actually physically be with,
but I still just wanted him so badly that it didn't matter if I won't see him for another year.
he said that I might be willing to wait now, but I won't feel like that for long.
he said that maybe if something changes in the next year or so, then we can try to work it out,
but for the time being it's just impossible to maintain a serious relationship with the way things are.
I cried. I cried until 6 AM and then passed out for 3 hours before going to class.
I cried during my classes. But maybe it is for the best. It still sucks though.
the thing i'm worried about is going back to my old hooking up stage.
I don't want to just hook up with guys to cure my loneliness.
I want to actually be in a relationship, be with someone who wants me for more than a night.
that's hard to do right now because it's hard to seriously like someone after Chris.
it's hard to imagine myself falling that hard for anyone else any time soon.
I still feel like i'm with him and that i'm "cheating" by liking someone else.
but everyone else I just compare to him, and I just pretend they are him.
that's not fair to whoever it is that i'm with. I can't do that to them.
so I need to wait for someone who makes me forget my feelings for Chris.
maybe that won't be for another year or so, but it'll be worth it.
Chris was the one to make me forget about Alex, he made everything better.
luckily he came along only 2 months after things with Alex ended.
I doubt i'll be over Chris in 2 months though, even if someone else does come along.
one thing for sure is that I'm not going back to the past.
I'm not going back to Daniel or Alex or any other ex-boyfriend/fling
I need someone new, someone fresh. Someone I can just start over with.
I don't want anyone that knows about my past relationships or my eating disorder.
of course if whoever that is and I start to get serious they'll have to know at one point,
but I don't want someone who already knows and will judge me for it right away.
so now it's time for me to just spend some time being alone, and getting use to being alone.
yeah I was already physically alone, but I had thought someone was waiting for me.
well, not anymore. now I really am completely alone. no one's waiting for me. I'm not waiting for anyone.
this will be my personal exploration time. focus on school more, accept how my life is going.
maybe I'll pick up a new hobby or try some things I was afraid to do before.
i'm going to enjoy this time not worrying about someone else in my life,
and if someone else comes along in the process, then maybe I should give it a try.
i'm not wasting any more opportunities, i'm just going to enjoy the life that was given to me.
sure, I might cry myself to sleep again tonight, but that's life. it's a healing process.
like Chris told me last night... I'm going to be okay. we'll both be okay.
we're still talking, still on good terms, still do want to be together, but we just can't.
I understood and agreed with all his reasons, even though I wish it didn't have to happen.
we're both so busy with our separate lives, and he just doesn't feel like texting all the time is enough.
I mean, I understand that, I want someone that I can actually physically be with,
but I still just wanted him so badly that it didn't matter if I won't see him for another year.
he said that I might be willing to wait now, but I won't feel like that for long.
he said that maybe if something changes in the next year or so, then we can try to work it out,
but for the time being it's just impossible to maintain a serious relationship with the way things are.
I cried. I cried until 6 AM and then passed out for 3 hours before going to class.
I cried during my classes. But maybe it is for the best. It still sucks though.
the thing i'm worried about is going back to my old hooking up stage.
I don't want to just hook up with guys to cure my loneliness.
I want to actually be in a relationship, be with someone who wants me for more than a night.
that's hard to do right now because it's hard to seriously like someone after Chris.
it's hard to imagine myself falling that hard for anyone else any time soon.
I still feel like i'm with him and that i'm "cheating" by liking someone else.
but everyone else I just compare to him, and I just pretend they are him.
that's not fair to whoever it is that i'm with. I can't do that to them.
so I need to wait for someone who makes me forget my feelings for Chris.
maybe that won't be for another year or so, but it'll be worth it.
Chris was the one to make me forget about Alex, he made everything better.
luckily he came along only 2 months after things with Alex ended.
I doubt i'll be over Chris in 2 months though, even if someone else does come along.
one thing for sure is that I'm not going back to the past.
I'm not going back to Daniel or Alex or any other ex-boyfriend/fling
I need someone new, someone fresh. Someone I can just start over with.
I don't want anyone that knows about my past relationships or my eating disorder.
of course if whoever that is and I start to get serious they'll have to know at one point,
but I don't want someone who already knows and will judge me for it right away.
so now it's time for me to just spend some time being alone, and getting use to being alone.
yeah I was already physically alone, but I had thought someone was waiting for me.
well, not anymore. now I really am completely alone. no one's waiting for me. I'm not waiting for anyone.
this will be my personal exploration time. focus on school more, accept how my life is going.
maybe I'll pick up a new hobby or try some things I was afraid to do before.
i'm going to enjoy this time not worrying about someone else in my life,
and if someone else comes along in the process, then maybe I should give it a try.
i'm not wasting any more opportunities, i'm just going to enjoy the life that was given to me.
sure, I might cry myself to sleep again tonight, but that's life. it's a healing process.
like Chris told me last night... I'm going to be okay. we'll both be okay.