August 28th 2004
I dont know when it started...
somehow in the middle of this night this aching started. i felt it in my stomach..it started reaching for my eyes, and i was glad to say goodnight to Bryan and walk home. Im sure he thought something was wrong, but what do i care? he doesnt know me...he doesnt know that on this day 2 years ago i was at his funeral..which isnt even the point, its just this week everyday i rememmber what i was doing that day that year. last year it didnt affect me...but i wasnt here. In his town, the air that smells like his life. His short, sad life.
I gained back my innocence when i lost him...but i still lost you see. I still did.
Walking home...i pulled up my hoodie and held my chin high...no one out here is going to see me cry...and no one ever does. Kind of made me want to call jay...but i know its not his duty anymore to listen to this. Im sure thats part of why he tired to begin with.
I came home..and against my better judgement, U opened up my dad photo album...and there he was. he was happy once right? I could have sworn i made him smile a few times...but i have learned time and time again no matter how happy you make someone, they can still leave...and thats just life...
I just miss feeling protected. I know i have Ed...and im more thanful than ever for him...its just...i wish i could have helped him. What could i have done to have kept him from crossing that line?
i should have stayed on the phone longer.
that day in the street, when jay was pacing around me, and i clung to the phone like his voice was my life line..like his "i love you" was a sweet medicine that would heal me...i should have never hung up...why did i hang up that phone?
i failed.
In a big way.
and when i turned, with tears running down my cheeks, there stood a boy who loved me..the tears in his own eyes spoke for his love...
and i ignored that all too often to yell and scream about the stupidest of things because i was scared to death of losing him, because i had never seen a love for me like that in someones eyes before and it scared me to death, and i scared him off. I rushed us..i rushed him...because i wanted to fail. i wanted to belive that he could never want just me...
but why?
why did i think i deserved to not be loved like that?
because i was scared it would die...just like he did...he died before he could show me how much he really loved me, loved all of us girls.
He was supposed to stop drinking...stop all the noise in his head and live for us...he daughters....and he just let go. Let
go.
At lex's birthday, in honor of him...i scared the hell out of her during a scary movie...and she cried...just like i used to. But this isnt my job...its his..he supposed to be here for all of this. he was my father...and he just left one day because he felt like he couldnt deal anymore...and on this day two years ago...i was at his funeral, and i was holding my baby sister as she cried, and i watched his friends kneel for him and honor him, i saw my mother fall apart and never regain her pieces, i saw my oldest sister lose control , and i lost my spirit, and gained a whole lot of fear...in time i will become brave again...i will. i always do. But its so hard sometimes to not feel undesirable because of what i come from.
im babbling. I cant wait for this week to be over. Definently wouldnt mind not being alone tonite...but hey...if i never open up and tell anyone how im feeling, thats what i get.
ill feel better tommrow.
somehow in the middle of this night this aching started. i felt it in my stomach..it started reaching for my eyes, and i was glad to say goodnight to Bryan and walk home. Im sure he thought something was wrong, but what do i care? he doesnt know me...he doesnt know that on this day 2 years ago i was at his funeral..which isnt even the point, its just this week everyday i rememmber what i was doing that day that year. last year it didnt affect me...but i wasnt here. In his town, the air that smells like his life. His short, sad life.
I gained back my innocence when i lost him...but i still lost you see. I still did.
Walking home...i pulled up my hoodie and held my chin high...no one out here is going to see me cry...and no one ever does. Kind of made me want to call jay...but i know its not his duty anymore to listen to this. Im sure thats part of why he tired to begin with.
I came home..and against my better judgement, U opened up my dad photo album...and there he was. he was happy once right? I could have sworn i made him smile a few times...but i have learned time and time again no matter how happy you make someone, they can still leave...and thats just life...
I just miss feeling protected. I know i have Ed...and im more thanful than ever for him...its just...i wish i could have helped him. What could i have done to have kept him from crossing that line?
i should have stayed on the phone longer.
that day in the street, when jay was pacing around me, and i clung to the phone like his voice was my life line..like his "i love you" was a sweet medicine that would heal me...i should have never hung up...why did i hang up that phone?
i failed.
In a big way.
and when i turned, with tears running down my cheeks, there stood a boy who loved me..the tears in his own eyes spoke for his love...
and i ignored that all too often to yell and scream about the stupidest of things because i was scared to death of losing him, because i had never seen a love for me like that in someones eyes before and it scared me to death, and i scared him off. I rushed us..i rushed him...because i wanted to fail. i wanted to belive that he could never want just me...
but why?
why did i think i deserved to not be loved like that?
because i was scared it would die...just like he did...he died before he could show me how much he really loved me, loved all of us girls.
He was supposed to stop drinking...stop all the noise in his head and live for us...he daughters....and he just let go. Let
go.
At lex's birthday, in honor of him...i scared the hell out of her during a scary movie...and she cried...just like i used to. But this isnt my job...its his..he supposed to be here for all of this. he was my father...and he just left one day because he felt like he couldnt deal anymore...and on this day two years ago...i was at his funeral, and i was holding my baby sister as she cried, and i watched his friends kneel for him and honor him, i saw my mother fall apart and never regain her pieces, i saw my oldest sister lose control , and i lost my spirit, and gained a whole lot of fear...in time i will become brave again...i will. i always do. But its so hard sometimes to not feel undesirable because of what i come from.
im babbling. I cant wait for this week to be over. Definently wouldnt mind not being alone tonite...but hey...if i never open up and tell anyone how im feeling, thats what i get.
ill feel better tommrow.