(no subject)
today my rage is the colour of poppies and arterial blood, a bright, vibrant red. it is quick and free flowing and inside of me today is neither hawk nor wolf but fox, strong jawed, lying low but ready to snap.
the amount of anger i have sloshing around surprises me. it makes intuitive sense considering how long i blocked all wrathful feelings for... but all the same...sometimes i have a hard time not defining myself in terms of just one aspect of me.
like the *nice* person. or the *angry* person. survivor is prob. the best word although doesnt fit in its entirety. i dont want to be someone who survives, i want to be someone who lives.
i was thinking today that i get frequently angry at people when i am feeling defensive and read into their words what i know they arent and wouldnt say.
like: *your texting is useless* becomes *you are useless*.
water days. water days. bleh.
why why why? i dont know. perhpas old habit, ingrained conditioning, because most often in the past there was so much criticism and it was all about me.
my father's inability to teach me, break things down to a level i could understand was *you are stupid*. and i was frequently fat, and selfish, lazy, bad.
and l... oh yes, he was a source of verbal/emotional bashing. clumsy. useless. stupid. too talkative. too enthusiastic. too happy. that was actually a criticism. for real. i was too happy.
heh. well i took care of that one of late, didnt i?
achievements today: help housemate lug four boxes of stuff down six flights of stairs. not bad for a woman who dented herself falling the same flight of stairs yesterday. i got a parcel today from my mum. :) it was french books on self-injury, a hardbacked comic and an article from a magazine. she came across them in france when she was there with my stepdad and made me smile. it is so sweet.
and yes, kind of sweet too that because of my dissertation she is taking an interest and reading up on all the literature. who knows, it might even end up being helpful. not that she knows about the relevance it has, personally, to me.
the amount of anger i have sloshing around surprises me. it makes intuitive sense considering how long i blocked all wrathful feelings for... but all the same...sometimes i have a hard time not defining myself in terms of just one aspect of me.
like the *nice* person. or the *angry* person. survivor is prob. the best word although doesnt fit in its entirety. i dont want to be someone who survives, i want to be someone who lives.
i was thinking today that i get frequently angry at people when i am feeling defensive and read into their words what i know they arent and wouldnt say.
like: *your texting is useless* becomes *you are useless*.
water days. water days. bleh.
why why why? i dont know. perhpas old habit, ingrained conditioning, because most often in the past there was so much criticism and it was all about me.
my father's inability to teach me, break things down to a level i could understand was *you are stupid*. and i was frequently fat, and selfish, lazy, bad.
and l... oh yes, he was a source of verbal/emotional bashing. clumsy. useless. stupid. too talkative. too enthusiastic. too happy. that was actually a criticism. for real. i was too happy.
heh. well i took care of that one of late, didnt i?
achievements today: help housemate lug four boxes of stuff down six flights of stairs. not bad for a woman who dented herself falling the same flight of stairs yesterday. i got a parcel today from my mum. :) it was french books on self-injury, a hardbacked comic and an article from a magazine. she came across them in france when she was there with my stepdad and made me smile. it is so sweet.
and yes, kind of sweet too that because of my dissertation she is taking an interest and reading up on all the literature. who knows, it might even end up being helpful. not that she knows about the relevance it has, personally, to me.