Sex Ejucashun Yugoslav style
Yesterday I was very ill and not allowed to work [although giving infectious diseases back to the little children who spread them is only rightful karma if you think about it] and my poor lover had to work a double shift at work [9-5 and then midnight until 6am], so we convened at my house in the afternoon to feel sorry for each other.
And there I bestowed tendernesses upon him and he wrapped himself around me and radiated extra warmth while I was shaking with illness chills and we both rested. And afterwards I rested some more and Z cooked us soup because he loves to cook and he’s nice like that. [I meanwhile hate cooking because I can’t be arsed with it on most days, but have recently discovered a taste for washing dishes].
Then we talked about our respective childhoods and learning of things sexual and because he said I could, here’s Z’s Condom Story:
Z: When I was a little boy I accidentally came across some condoms in my parents bedside drawer. I’d had no idea what these things were, and because they were wrapped in foil I thought at first they were chewing gum, so I opened it with glad anticipation and found instead what I concluded were some kind of oily Russian balloons.
So I ran back into the living room where my parents were watching Dynasty waving around my find, and sat on the couch and breathed into the condoms to inflate them and then I’d release them and watch them fly around the room, madly spinning and going Pfffffffffffffffttttttttt. [I like at this point in the story to imagine Z’s stonefaced parents stoically continuing to watch the soaps on telly]
And I thought it was all just wonderful and turned to my parents and asked why they had been hiding these balloons from me and hadn’t given them to me to play with and my Dad said: “It was a surprise!”
And the second is a story of Z’s first ever porn film
Z: “When I was around 8, a friend of mine from school got the first ever video recorder in the town from an uncle who brought it over from Germany along with two “tester” video cassettes. One of the tapes was a horrific horror film “The Evil Dead” which gave me nightmares for weeks because I was convinced it was real and the other was a porn film.
So I went over to my mate’s house to watch this wonder machine [and at the time it was nothing short of technological magic because no one had ever seen anything like it before] and first we watched the horror film which scared us silly, and then we thought we’d give the other tape a try and it made a great impression on us because we were used to seeing people walk on scene and then a few minutes later walk off while here people would walk on scene and spend the next ten minutes writhing or waving willies at ladies faces; And when I went home I saw my then 80 year old grandmother and proceeded to regale her with the details of everything that I had seen, telling her all about the writhing and the ladies with white stuff on their chins and the magic of this new technology and all the things you can watch on telly.”
And there I bestowed tendernesses upon him and he wrapped himself around me and radiated extra warmth while I was shaking with illness chills and we both rested. And afterwards I rested some more and Z cooked us soup because he loves to cook and he’s nice like that. [I meanwhile hate cooking because I can’t be arsed with it on most days, but have recently discovered a taste for washing dishes].
Then we talked about our respective childhoods and learning of things sexual and because he said I could, here’s Z’s Condom Story:
Z: When I was a little boy I accidentally came across some condoms in my parents bedside drawer. I’d had no idea what these things were, and because they were wrapped in foil I thought at first they were chewing gum, so I opened it with glad anticipation and found instead what I concluded were some kind of oily Russian balloons.
So I ran back into the living room where my parents were watching Dynasty waving around my find, and sat on the couch and breathed into the condoms to inflate them and then I’d release them and watch them fly around the room, madly spinning and going Pfffffffffffffffttttttttt. [I like at this point in the story to imagine Z’s stonefaced parents stoically continuing to watch the soaps on telly]
And I thought it was all just wonderful and turned to my parents and asked why they had been hiding these balloons from me and hadn’t given them to me to play with and my Dad said: “It was a surprise!”
And the second is a story of Z’s first ever porn film
Z: “When I was around 8, a friend of mine from school got the first ever video recorder in the town from an uncle who brought it over from Germany along with two “tester” video cassettes. One of the tapes was a horrific horror film “The Evil Dead” which gave me nightmares for weeks because I was convinced it was real and the other was a porn film.
So I went over to my mate’s house to watch this wonder machine [and at the time it was nothing short of technological magic because no one had ever seen anything like it before] and first we watched the horror film which scared us silly, and then we thought we’d give the other tape a try and it made a great impression on us because we were used to seeing people walk on scene and then a few minutes later walk off while here people would walk on scene and spend the next ten minutes writhing or waving willies at ladies faces; And when I went home I saw my then 80 year old grandmother and proceeded to regale her with the details of everything that I had seen, telling her all about the writhing and the ladies with white stuff on their chins and the magic of this new technology and all the things you can watch on telly.”