An Unkindness
I haven't admitted this to many people, but I'm having a hard time.
I'm having a hard time keeping myself happy, free of worry, and away from self doubt.
It's no secret that the summer caught me by surprise. Stu left. Everything I had was shattered. I had no choice but to pick myself up and rebuild my life. I brought out parts of my personality that I was quite proud of. I began making myself available to new adventures. I developed a positive outlook on life.
Somehow, I keep allowing myself to be dragged down, however.
Worry and stress over even the littlest things, crippling self doubt and self esteem issues, anger, jealousy, resentfulness...all of these things continue to come up.
It seems that I moved on so quickly after the break up with Stu, that it's come full circle. I miss him more than I care to admit. I see things or hear songs and though they usually wouldn't effect me, I find myself saddened; saddened by the fact that he's gone. Our memories are just those. I can't hear certain musical artists (not just songs, but full on artists) without my heart breaking. I can't watch certain movies and shows without feeling like my soul has been torn out.
I feel so unfulfilled. All of my friends have artistic outlets. I can't even draw anymore.
All of my friends either have someone they love, or someone whose willing to love them. I don't have shit all.
They have something to look forward to. I have nights sitting alone, kept company by my little obsessions here and there, and little else.
I'm constantly pushing people away, while pulling them closer.
I'm constantly trying to prove that I'm something that...well, lets face it, I'm really not.
I just want to love and be loved. But I can't. I'm so sick of being in emotional limbo over every little thing.
I just want to create and live through my art. But I can't.
It's not inaccurate to say that I'm sick of stumbling to find my way. It's not wrong to say that I'm frustrated beyond belief; lost and alone.
The loneliness, the second guessing, it only gets worse when I do get an upswing. The crash is that much worse; that much more painful and lonely.
Perhaps writing about it is the first step...getting it out there just how hurt and alone I feel. Probably not, though.
I've gone to write this post several times in the past while, but I always stop. I stop with the worry that people will get offended. I stop with the thought of, "Why bother? It won't make a difference." I stop with the feeling of being pathetic and over dramatic.
On my twitter is a quote from a song, a line that asks, "Am I that unimportant? Am I so insignificant?"
Perhaps people with argue with me, that that's not the case, but it's absolutely how I feel. How other people make me feel.
Not to sound dramatic, but it's gotten to the point that I don't think I DO want to love, anymore. Be in a relationship? Yes. Love? No. That's just making it too easy for people to hurt me.
The only person I can count on is me, and that's a very depressing thought, indeed...