Every Highway
I feel like I somehow, inexplicably lost who I am.
Again.
Quite a few friends have commented that since Stu dumped my ass, and I took strides to repatch my life, I've been more 'me' than I have been for a long time.
But is it really me?
I've been happier, more carefree, a little wilder. I've found an intensity and loudness that has evaded me for quite some time. I've felt like I've been more enjoyable to hang around. Really, I've prided myself on being just a little bit rock'n'roll. I'd never felt more satisfied with myself than I felt when I rediscovered that part of myself.
Lately, I've slipped back into old habits; worrying, being quite moody, second guessing myself, instead of just letting life's little adventures happen. I've somehow fallen back into being awkward and a little shy, a doormat, for lack of a proper term.
I'm so confused, because I honestly don't know who is the actual me. Am I putting on an act when I shy away from things, or am I putting on an act when I meet life with bravado?
I think the nibbling wanderlust is definitely a clue; the fact that somewhere, deep down, I'm still longing for adventure.
I'm still longing to be able to just drive...somewhere, anywhere. Stay at Bed and Breakfasts, and try every little restaurant and cafe and gift shop and museum and attraction on every little country road and highway. I want to tell my worries and self doubts "shut up, forever." and have an adventure. I want to just be like the people I admire.
Louder.
Bolder.
Braver.
But thinking about it, about being like that, seems like so much work. If it seems like work, then is it really who I am?
Again.
Quite a few friends have commented that since Stu dumped my ass, and I took strides to repatch my life, I've been more 'me' than I have been for a long time.
But is it really me?
I've been happier, more carefree, a little wilder. I've found an intensity and loudness that has evaded me for quite some time. I've felt like I've been more enjoyable to hang around. Really, I've prided myself on being just a little bit rock'n'roll. I'd never felt more satisfied with myself than I felt when I rediscovered that part of myself.
Lately, I've slipped back into old habits; worrying, being quite moody, second guessing myself, instead of just letting life's little adventures happen. I've somehow fallen back into being awkward and a little shy, a doormat, for lack of a proper term.
I'm so confused, because I honestly don't know who is the actual me. Am I putting on an act when I shy away from things, or am I putting on an act when I meet life with bravado?
I think the nibbling wanderlust is definitely a clue; the fact that somewhere, deep down, I'm still longing for adventure.
I'm still longing to be able to just drive...somewhere, anywhere. Stay at Bed and Breakfasts, and try every little restaurant and cafe and gift shop and museum and attraction on every little country road and highway. I want to tell my worries and self doubts "shut up, forever." and have an adventure. I want to just be like the people I admire.
Louder.
Bolder.
Braver.
But thinking about it, about being like that, seems like so much work. If it seems like work, then is it really who I am?