we aren't supposed to live with regrets. how, exactly, does one accomplish that?
I wish you wanted to meet my daughter. And have a happy, beautiful life together, as I know that we could. But that is likely not to be what you're looking for... nor- at least, perhaps, and to my heart's greatest discontent, I suppose it is simply not what you would ever again hope to look for in me. Some things are just too hard to try for, and ....that is completely understandable. So as the days fly by in your life, I will try to move on with mine.
But that is what I was trying to do before. And look where it's gotten me so far. I am afraid, without-or even with you- of all the costs of you. Never having you. Having you, and ever being without you again... Were I to win you over, it would become more difficult-with time together, to imagine ever living without you again. However; I realize that I have no choice but to try HARDER. It has been a beautiful thing, to have known you. To have loved you. I have myself; a child to take care of.... I have to live, with or without you.
It should not be a struggle. It is in me that there is struggle. I have to let you go, Mark. I love you so much. But I have to let you go. It has been years. Years, beyond us, during which there has been so much turmoil over us, even without your presence- knowing nothing of your life- I have simply...always wished that I did-- that I had your presence. That we knew one another. That we could hold one another. There have been other men. Almost none, really. I've just.....I've never been able to love, like I did with you. I have given birth to a little girl, as life caused me to have the misfortune of one of my brief encounters resulting in one of the few miracles we may ever witness in a lifetime.
She is wonderful. And she has nothing to do with you. And for that, I apologize. That is fucked up, that you can break up with me and years later I have a child by another man and years following that I tell you that I am sorry about it. But..........I know I told you I never wanted to have children. I feel you must somehow somewhere take it as an offense that I did. When the time came, I simply couldn't have an abortion. And I am so sorry that I said what I did to you. Because, now, a different me.........one that you only know some of the worst parts of..... wishes she could have your children.
I don't know who you're looking for. I don't know if you'll find her, or him. I only wish that I were that decidedly lucky individual who may get to live out his or her days in your company. I wish you every happiness, with whomever you may find who helps you reach them all. I may never have the strength to say any of these, or the countless other things I should have said to you, but I am writing them here.. in this journal you once knew of, which I had not visited in greater than a calendar's length.....
because perhaps, one day you'll see and it will hold meaning somehow or maybe it's just therapy for me or maybe someone else will read it and it will inspire a conviction in their own love or who knows what. But this is where I stand, right now. I am...destitutely.. and resolutely.. going to try to leave all thoughts of you behind. I will not be surprised if I try to call you for sex again soon. I am so horny. And..I do not know how to do this. I have never...for years and years...left my thoughts of you behind. I am going to TRY.
...........I never slept with anyone in Chicago! Oh shit...it doesn't matter. I just..wanted you to know that. My own fucking bitch mother thought I did. I have no idea why she did, or why that came out once recently...but I was so livid over it -I just couldn't believe that. And I figured if my mother thought I was a whore, there's no reason to think you shouldn't. ..............I want to talk to you so badly..but since I know it is over for you, I know that I shouldn't keep this going on, for me.
We're more than halfway into a decade of post-breakup heartache here. You know, we weren't even together very long- really. That's outrageous. I mean..it was infinitely longer than anything I've ever considered since. Matter of fact....I've never even remotely considered anyone long-term, since. Never. I thought I had gotten over you. That is one of our biggest differences. I lie to myself so well. You are among those who are the most honest with themselves.
We had something magnificent. I don't know how you do it - to walk away from that. But...I applaud your determined willingness to seek someone better suited to yourself. And perhaps you never loved me the way I thought you did, the way I loved you. Perhaps I am stuck in high school. Perhaps some magnificent things must perish so that we may appreciate the golden moments we have left to live.
I can't even leave this on that note......I start thinking about gathering and polishing the pieces, welding, and mosaics....beautiful art can yield once more from its own destruction; wiser indeed.
I'm going on like a crazy person. I have to leave. I haven't these moments to spare. I love him, still. The end. I wish that I did not; I'll work on that. But still the truth remains, for now, that for some reason that asshole stole my heart a long, long time ago....and I never have recovered it from him.
But that is what I was trying to do before. And look where it's gotten me so far. I am afraid, without-or even with you- of all the costs of you. Never having you. Having you, and ever being without you again... Were I to win you over, it would become more difficult-with time together, to imagine ever living without you again. However; I realize that I have no choice but to try HARDER. It has been a beautiful thing, to have known you. To have loved you. I have myself; a child to take care of.... I have to live, with or without you.
It should not be a struggle. It is in me that there is struggle. I have to let you go, Mark. I love you so much. But I have to let you go. It has been years. Years, beyond us, during which there has been so much turmoil over us, even without your presence- knowing nothing of your life- I have simply...always wished that I did-- that I had your presence. That we knew one another. That we could hold one another. There have been other men. Almost none, really. I've just.....I've never been able to love, like I did with you. I have given birth to a little girl, as life caused me to have the misfortune of one of my brief encounters resulting in one of the few miracles we may ever witness in a lifetime.
She is wonderful. And she has nothing to do with you. And for that, I apologize. That is fucked up, that you can break up with me and years later I have a child by another man and years following that I tell you that I am sorry about it. But..........I know I told you I never wanted to have children. I feel you must somehow somewhere take it as an offense that I did. When the time came, I simply couldn't have an abortion. And I am so sorry that I said what I did to you. Because, now, a different me.........one that you only know some of the worst parts of..... wishes she could have your children.
I don't know who you're looking for. I don't know if you'll find her, or him. I only wish that I were that decidedly lucky individual who may get to live out his or her days in your company. I wish you every happiness, with whomever you may find who helps you reach them all. I may never have the strength to say any of these, or the countless other things I should have said to you, but I am writing them here.. in this journal you once knew of, which I had not visited in greater than a calendar's length.....
because perhaps, one day you'll see and it will hold meaning somehow or maybe it's just therapy for me or maybe someone else will read it and it will inspire a conviction in their own love or who knows what. But this is where I stand, right now. I am...destitutely.. and resolutely.. going to try to leave all thoughts of you behind. I will not be surprised if I try to call you for sex again soon. I am so horny. And..I do not know how to do this. I have never...for years and years...left my thoughts of you behind. I am going to TRY.
...........I never slept with anyone in Chicago! Oh shit...it doesn't matter. I just..wanted you to know that. My own fucking bitch mother thought I did. I have no idea why she did, or why that came out once recently...but I was so livid over it -I just couldn't believe that. And I figured if my mother thought I was a whore, there's no reason to think you shouldn't. ..............I want to talk to you so badly..but since I know it is over for you, I know that I shouldn't keep this going on, for me.
We're more than halfway into a decade of post-breakup heartache here. You know, we weren't even together very long- really. That's outrageous. I mean..it was infinitely longer than anything I've ever considered since. Matter of fact....I've never even remotely considered anyone long-term, since. Never. I thought I had gotten over you. That is one of our biggest differences. I lie to myself so well. You are among those who are the most honest with themselves.
We had something magnificent. I don't know how you do it - to walk away from that. But...I applaud your determined willingness to seek someone better suited to yourself. And perhaps you never loved me the way I thought you did, the way I loved you. Perhaps I am stuck in high school. Perhaps some magnificent things must perish so that we may appreciate the golden moments we have left to live.
I can't even leave this on that note......I start thinking about gathering and polishing the pieces, welding, and mosaics....beautiful art can yield once more from its own destruction; wiser indeed.
I'm going on like a crazy person. I have to leave. I haven't these moments to spare. I love him, still. The end. I wish that I did not; I'll work on that. But still the truth remains, for now, that for some reason that asshole stole my heart a long, long time ago....and I never have recovered it from him.