Confusion
So.. This sucks. Life is utterly unfair. I don't know how many people can relate with how I am feeling. Currently, I'm in a position where I care for someone very very dearly. And yet, I can't stand the person. Yeah. Everyone thinks they know that feeling. Trust me... This is nothing like that love/hate relationship I have with my mum. NO way. This is way more. This is pain and beauty and then agony and then light. It's that fluttery feeling the ONE gives you inside.. quickly turned into a pile of ruins and defeat. It's not worth my time and effort, honestly. I wish I could deal with that.
Summary:
He made me love him. I don't know HOW, but he did it. I loved him so fully, so much that I didn't know how to react. I wanted to keep him som badly.. never wanted to be away from him. Every time he was with me, my heart was full and he was the only person in the world. And... everyone who was around knew that he was mine and I was his. No one was going to question it. When he got online, I would talk to him for hours. And he was the first thing I thought of in the morning and the first thought as I closed my eyes at night. He was the joy I felt whenever something good happened. And most importantly, he was the one who helped me after I put my dad in jail for... things he shouldn't have done. He was the one who took care of me, and he was the only person I trusted enough for the job. When I had my nervous breakdown and hid in my room for two weeks, thinking about death and throwing up everything because my nightmares were making me sick, he was the one who helped me. Just thinking about him made me want to live.. made me want to be alive. And events we went to meant a lot to me as well. He was always by my side, wondering what I was thinking and how he could help.
Unfortunately, every fairy tale does NOT have a happy ending. He had his own happy ending, which ended him in misery. And I had to give him up. He didn't want to be mine exclusively. And, I could understand that. But when I went to spend time with another person, he didn't want me to be doing that. He was always upset and made me seem like I was doing him some great wrong. I finally told him that if he wasn't in it for real, I was out of it. And, so I ended up seeing other people. He found someone who appeared prettier than me but was so much worse for him. She hurt him and he just gave up, deciding not to force feelings for her. I watched from a distance as my love for him fell apart. I began to hate him. I didn't want anything to do with him, and he still disliked me for choosing to be with someone who would be only mine. (I never even got someone, as disappointing as that is.)
Now, I can talk to him, but I can't touch him. And, I hate it, but I know that he will always be special to me. I will always want him and love him. And even that makes me annoyed and sad. I wish he knew how I feel. Or how I felt. All my memories are so fond of him. I want to keep him.. Forever. But it's not worth the pain.
I love you.. Please just leave me alone.