*whimpers*
Do you ever feel like you have a running commentary of yourself in your head? All day long, I sit in my room or at work, thinking... And, i can't seem to make decisions or figure things out for myself. Then, I ask others questions and it doesn't seem to be getting me anywhere. Then, I sit alone again, and ask myself several MORE questions. Nothing helps. I can't make up my mind about anything.
Aside from that confusion, I have Ryan always talking in my ear, asking me what's wrong, and I am aware that I have no idea. When I tell him everything is okay, he doesn't believe me.. as well he shouldn't. But, I can't explain something to him that I can't explain even to myself. It just doesn't seem right or fair to him. So... I push him away. He knows I am doing it. I have been for almost a week now. I feel so bad for him. And, I don't know what to do. I have no problem hanging out with anyone else, because they are naive and don't know me any better. But, then, I talk to him, and he can see that everything is bothering me. But, I still don't want to talk to him about it. I don't want to talk to ME about it.
It doesn;t help that I work all the time. I mean, it keeps my mind off of things, but I can't help but think that's a bad thing. I wish I would just take a moment and come to terms with myself. And, yet... I could, but I wont. This isn't good or healthy. But... I still don't know anything. Gah. I hate this icky feeling.