Whelp. A post at last!
It's sort of ridiculous that I was on the day shift for the past three weeks and though I was off in day light hours, I still basically ended up never getting anything done, seeing anyone, or finding time to post here let alone write or draw in general like I wanted to be doing. And I admit it's not entirely that I was busy or anything, I just felt like I had no time in a sense because I didn't get home til 4pm the first week and 3-4pm the next two and had to go to bed by 8pm to get up at 4am. I just felt really crunched and limited which is weird because it wasn't much different than before when I'd get home at midnight ish and go to bed around 4am, maybe 5am to get up around noon or so.
I don't know, maybe I'm taking on too much or just feeling pressured on too many fronts with finances, my mom/her finances/drama etc now so handily near by with her living in that spare room and general internal personal struggles; I felt unsure and inadequate to the morning shift more often than not too, though I know over all I did ok in the end, I always think I could have done better.
I could really, REALLY use a vacation, even if my problems aren't as bad as some others (a friend's mother just passed away for example), I still feel crushed by them and the general pressure to keep it together more often than not is overwhelming. I just want to truly RELAX for a little while, though it's pointless try that before I get a better handle on regular finances and paying off debts because otherwise concerns about that would plague me even on a vacation unless it was something I won vs having to finance it myself. Though maybe the relatively cheap adventure in camping in September that it seems Mo and I will be included on will provide enough respite to help. And maybe looking forward to it will help relieve some tension off the here and now.
It seems like most of the pressure I'm under is self induced, taking on more than my fair share of worries and especially taking on more than I should of the financial problems my mom is facing. At least I figure/assume that it's mostly self induced and it's hard to pull back from any of it because that feels like some kind of failing and with my mom, it's just a matter that I'm so tired of her struggling that I just want to do what I can to help. The more time passes, the more I'm sure that everyone is right and I'll never recover on my own so long as I let her depend on me to perpetuate the borrowing/pay back cycle, especially when the cycle only goes full circle sporadically.
It really doesn't help the stress level that her SSDI payments are probably too good to last since she's going on about needing her laptop out of the pawn shop to get access to something she needs for/to do in relation to keeping the payments, but there's no money for that til next month. And the electric bill she's apparently being held accountable for some of has again reached critical mass with the chance of being turned off any time now or whatever, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about that, trapped in the current cycle of pay day advances as I am from May when I suddenly found I'd screwed up and had to pay rent out of thin air; now it just keeps going in trying to catch up with bills and pay off the people who helped me keep the roof over my head.
Anyway, I've got more to ramble on about and yeah I know a lot of it's complaints, sorry if it gets old or anything, but this is my venting place and I sort of like the feel of people listening' by reading this so I don't turn it private/locked off. Even so, I need to bundle off and end my shift which now ends at 10pm instead of 11pm. This is a mixed blessing I'll try to talk about tomorrow or whenever, maybe when I get home, but probably not. Might have mentioned something about it before, but I really need to stop typing and go. Bye!
I don't know, maybe I'm taking on too much or just feeling pressured on too many fronts with finances, my mom/her finances/drama etc now so handily near by with her living in that spare room and general internal personal struggles; I felt unsure and inadequate to the morning shift more often than not too, though I know over all I did ok in the end, I always think I could have done better.
I could really, REALLY use a vacation, even if my problems aren't as bad as some others (a friend's mother just passed away for example), I still feel crushed by them and the general pressure to keep it together more often than not is overwhelming. I just want to truly RELAX for a little while, though it's pointless try that before I get a better handle on regular finances and paying off debts because otherwise concerns about that would plague me even on a vacation unless it was something I won vs having to finance it myself. Though maybe the relatively cheap adventure in camping in September that it seems Mo and I will be included on will provide enough respite to help. And maybe looking forward to it will help relieve some tension off the here and now.
It seems like most of the pressure I'm under is self induced, taking on more than my fair share of worries and especially taking on more than I should of the financial problems my mom is facing. At least I figure/assume that it's mostly self induced and it's hard to pull back from any of it because that feels like some kind of failing and with my mom, it's just a matter that I'm so tired of her struggling that I just want to do what I can to help. The more time passes, the more I'm sure that everyone is right and I'll never recover on my own so long as I let her depend on me to perpetuate the borrowing/pay back cycle, especially when the cycle only goes full circle sporadically.
It really doesn't help the stress level that her SSDI payments are probably too good to last since she's going on about needing her laptop out of the pawn shop to get access to something she needs for/to do in relation to keeping the payments, but there's no money for that til next month. And the electric bill she's apparently being held accountable for some of has again reached critical mass with the chance of being turned off any time now or whatever, but there's absolutely nothing I can do about that, trapped in the current cycle of pay day advances as I am from May when I suddenly found I'd screwed up and had to pay rent out of thin air; now it just keeps going in trying to catch up with bills and pay off the people who helped me keep the roof over my head.
Anyway, I've got more to ramble on about and yeah I know a lot of it's complaints, sorry if it gets old or anything, but this is my venting place and I sort of like the feel of people listening' by reading this so I don't turn it private/locked off. Even so, I need to bundle off and end my shift which now ends at 10pm instead of 11pm. This is a mixed blessing I'll try to talk about tomorrow or whenever, maybe when I get home, but probably not. Might have mentioned something about it before, but I really need to stop typing and go. Bye!