dark places
I don't know what is wrong with me. You'd think I would be grateful for the opportunities I've been given. And I know I've worked my ass off to get them, but sometimes it feels like I haven't done shit, and they are just handed to me...like they weren't even a challenge or something (although I know better).
I just got an e-mail from the conductor of the Ocala Symphony and apparently the performance of Messiah in November was so popular that they are adding on another concert to this season, in the middle of April. We will be doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Yes, I should be really excited about this, but I'm not. After the class I took in the fall where we spent 4 weeks on that piece, analyzing it, discussing it, listening to it, I was sick of it. I only like it because it's in A Clockwork Orange. No, that's a lie. It's a fantastic work, and very revolutionary. I could type pages upon pages about it and how glorious and innovative it is. But that doesn't mean I want to play it. Jesus Christ, I really don't want to play it. But that looks really good on a resume probably.
I honestly don't know if I like playing the clarinet. Sometimes I practice and it feels good. Other times it's just something I have to do...a way to earn money, and the stress isn't even worth the money. I know I'm not a performer. I've never wanted to be, I just don't have the personality type. Still, I do perform for money, and so I have to live up to expectations. It's fucking hard to not play on a regular basis and then pull it together once every other month to play hardcore shit with professional players and faculty members. Sometimes I wonder how long I can hold out doing this. It's more pressure than I want to deal with.
Sigh. Whiskey makes me sleepy. I wish I wasn't so disenchanted with everything right now. My friend Katie is now officially dating this dude she knows from her past, while my other single girlfriend seems to be flirting with someone. Apparently I am the only one now with no "prospects." This is lame. It's more lame because I don't want to see anyone, yet I can't help but be sad that I'm the odd one out again.
OK it's time for bed. This line of thinking never leads to a good place.
Prayers for my sister going to court tomorrow. She could go to jail, and I really don't want that to happen.
I just got an e-mail from the conductor of the Ocala Symphony and apparently the performance of Messiah in November was so popular that they are adding on another concert to this season, in the middle of April. We will be doing Beethoven's Ninth Symphony. Yes, I should be really excited about this, but I'm not. After the class I took in the fall where we spent 4 weeks on that piece, analyzing it, discussing it, listening to it, I was sick of it. I only like it because it's in A Clockwork Orange. No, that's a lie. It's a fantastic work, and very revolutionary. I could type pages upon pages about it and how glorious and innovative it is. But that doesn't mean I want to play it. Jesus Christ, I really don't want to play it. But that looks really good on a resume probably.
I honestly don't know if I like playing the clarinet. Sometimes I practice and it feels good. Other times it's just something I have to do...a way to earn money, and the stress isn't even worth the money. I know I'm not a performer. I've never wanted to be, I just don't have the personality type. Still, I do perform for money, and so I have to live up to expectations. It's fucking hard to not play on a regular basis and then pull it together once every other month to play hardcore shit with professional players and faculty members. Sometimes I wonder how long I can hold out doing this. It's more pressure than I want to deal with.
Sigh. Whiskey makes me sleepy. I wish I wasn't so disenchanted with everything right now. My friend Katie is now officially dating this dude she knows from her past, while my other single girlfriend seems to be flirting with someone. Apparently I am the only one now with no "prospects." This is lame. It's more lame because I don't want to see anyone, yet I can't help but be sad that I'm the odd one out again.
OK it's time for bed. This line of thinking never leads to a good place.
Prayers for my sister going to court tomorrow. She could go to jail, and I really don't want that to happen.