Desperation....

[raincry]

I'm having a really hard time right now. I feel that dam about to break. That all consuming torrent threatens everything and yet I want to drown in it all. My stress level is through the roof and yet I'm trying to hold it altogether. I feel so responsible for all the people and all the creatures in my life. I feel like I have to remain the port in

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[raincry]

Thanks Shelby your words do really help and are like a cyber hug. It's true I've been considering rehoming most of my geckos if only to also make a few bucks. I love Jared but I love him more in that good friend sort of way like I would want his life to be good and I care, but what we have lacks connection on soo many levels its more like a roommate.
What I find ironic is that outside of the financial chaos we are experiencing I really love my life. I live in a beautiful place, I have a group of intellectual spiritual friends I hang out with regularly. I have my brother around which is one of the best things to ever happen in so many ways. I have my fuzzy children and I have come to terms with the fact that the past is something you can't go back to. I really considered it for a while but visiting MO this past summer I realized my entire perspective has changed so much I could never be a part of that world again.
I have faith this will all work out but emotionally it is definitely a challenge like treading through mud every step is difficult and sometimes you feel pulled backwards but you know in the end all will be ok. I'm really working to close the gap between what I need and want and what I am manifesting for myself in the present. I need to shift my beliefs and my energy to allow what I want to flow into my life. I'm trying to examine what I may be holding on to but need to release after all life only seems to get really difficult when I am holding into something I should have let go a while ago. The problem is its almost always retrospective in my experience.
I know you will get out of your situation okay too. You are one if the most amazing, creative, strong and resourceful people that's ever graced my life. And I KNOW everything will work out the way it needs to for both of us.