Derrick
As the frozen barricade melts away, the hearth begins to glow again. Small embers crackle and float into the air carried by a light breeze. A slow awakening to the barren landscape, the winter of my soul. A familiar illusion of new spring dances in memories almost forgotten. Jaded and cold, watching the shift of reality in disbelief. Strange lights appear in the distance, haunting and inviting. A barely noticeable sigh escapes a stoic gaze upon the horizon... ancient eyes, hollow, waiting for the cold to consume again...
No searching, no will, all too easy and yet so unexpected. I'm not sure what is going on anymore. A month ago I was just going through the motions and dealing with life. Now I seem to be fighting everything all at once again... my work, my school, my self. I've fallen and I am still falling. All the bastards of the past, they were all projects. The unredeemable tweaker, the alcoholic, the student, the sex offender... I must be sick in the head to have put myself through that torture, it's shameful.
This is different. This pain is a reflection. I actually feel unworthy and yet I am captivated. I feel inadequate and inferior. I feel challenged and inspired. I feel more myself than I have in a long time. I feel active yet calm. Everyday that passes, I wake up to the same heartache that continues throughout the day. I can't even use work or school as distractions anymore. There is nothing to fix in him and that unnerves me. I realized that this is how I measure my worth. I am useless to him... so then I question everything. As I sit there and look for answers I see more and more of this intensity and beauty... we are strangely so much alike that it is unsettling, especially so soon. My attention has been captured and my curiousity is thirsty for more. In the back of my mind, heart and soul... I keep aware of my wits.
No searching, no will, all too easy and yet so unexpected. I'm not sure what is going on anymore. A month ago I was just going through the motions and dealing with life. Now I seem to be fighting everything all at once again... my work, my school, my self. I've fallen and I am still falling. All the bastards of the past, they were all projects. The unredeemable tweaker, the alcoholic, the student, the sex offender... I must be sick in the head to have put myself through that torture, it's shameful.
This is different. This pain is a reflection. I actually feel unworthy and yet I am captivated. I feel inadequate and inferior. I feel challenged and inspired. I feel more myself than I have in a long time. I feel active yet calm. Everyday that passes, I wake up to the same heartache that continues throughout the day. I can't even use work or school as distractions anymore. There is nothing to fix in him and that unnerves me. I realized that this is how I measure my worth. I am useless to him... so then I question everything. As I sit there and look for answers I see more and more of this intensity and beauty... we are strangely so much alike that it is unsettling, especially so soon. My attention has been captured and my curiousity is thirsty for more. In the back of my mind, heart and soul... I keep aware of my wits.