i was the one worth leaving

[rainbow_kissed]

i feel something bad is going to happen.
but i never know what when i get these feelings.
just something. bad.

i am going to try and get paxil tomorrow.
i dont feel like being like this anymore.
i dont want to wait until im comfortable in the depression.

i just want it to go away.

i feel like im all foggy, if that makes sense.
i dont have anyone, and i dont feel anything.

i want to cry.
and i want to have someone's arms around me.
and johnna is the only person alive.
but shes busy.

and why shouldnt she be? shes got her own shit to deal with. why deal with mine?

so im caught between wanting to make it out alright on my own
and
needing a "friend" to let me feel loved. for a minute or two.

"we can watch a movie together, if you want...
nah, that would be weird. i dont know why, just weird"

i know it wasnt meant to hurt, really i know.
but that didnt stop it from doing so.

with walter, i dont even know.
its nice to have him hold me,
but its not what i need.
i feel like im not even there when he holds me.
but i feel him. but i need something else.
not "im in love with you" love,
just "i love you because you are something good in my life"
even if im really not.

the only time i feel normal is at work.
i guess i have to be okay.
and kittie talks to me about it.
"today is kind of shitty, but tomorrow is a new day"
"remember that babydoll, it worked for me"

and i love her,
purely because she is acknowledging my presence.