hard times once again
Once again I find myself in this place. A place between a rock and a hard place. Only this time I'm in a country not of my own, and a place I can't really run away from. Feeling the same way I did back in HS. Wondering if I chose a different path, would my thoughts be messing with my head the way they are. Having so called friends hurt me the way they do. Having a sneaking feeling that they know that they are hurting me so. And that if they fround out for sure of the hurt, that they would actually smile. Kinda makes me sick. Kinda makes me wanna quit.
But who has the right to make me wanna quit? NO ONE! I am not a quiter, nor am I a person who gives in so easily. Even tho the past two months have been pretty much the worst of my life so far, I am learning and growing and finding my way. Now that i've seen people for who they really are, and thats unworthy. Unworthy of my full on friendship. I find that I unconsciencly test friends. I've done it for a while now I guess. And this time the results were heart crushing.
I think the hardest thing about it is that I'm a black fish in a dirty pond. I know that sounds stupid, but thats how I feel. The people here are all dark and twisted, and if they aren't yet, they are bright and white and in for the dirtest ride of their life.
I stepped into this country and town with an open mind, and an open heart. And for the first 9 months it was great. Made me want to stay forever. Every time I stepped outside I knew something good/fun/exciting was going to happen. It was the best time I've ever had in my life.
Yet in the past 2 months. Life has crashed and burned into the darkest water I've ever been in. Everywhere I turn, I don't want to be. I can't say it better than that. Every thought that pops into my mind, I don't want to be there. It's a sad day when you just want to get on a long plane ride and go home. I'm thinking about doing so as well. But, like I said before, I don't quit. I can substain the pain and the hurt. Not like I haven't experienced backstabbers, friends who turn their back, and whiney (sp) (wo)men.
I just thought high school was over in high school. Why in the world would I ever think that right? I mean I've been hurt by friends every year of my life so far, why would this year be any different.
New life goal, is to survive the rest of this contract, make new friends, try new things, and beware of those who can break my heart. Right now, my heart is really broken in pieces.
But who has the right to make me wanna quit? NO ONE! I am not a quiter, nor am I a person who gives in so easily. Even tho the past two months have been pretty much the worst of my life so far, I am learning and growing and finding my way. Now that i've seen people for who they really are, and thats unworthy. Unworthy of my full on friendship. I find that I unconsciencly test friends. I've done it for a while now I guess. And this time the results were heart crushing.
I think the hardest thing about it is that I'm a black fish in a dirty pond. I know that sounds stupid, but thats how I feel. The people here are all dark and twisted, and if they aren't yet, they are bright and white and in for the dirtest ride of their life.
I stepped into this country and town with an open mind, and an open heart. And for the first 9 months it was great. Made me want to stay forever. Every time I stepped outside I knew something good/fun/exciting was going to happen. It was the best time I've ever had in my life.
Yet in the past 2 months. Life has crashed and burned into the darkest water I've ever been in. Everywhere I turn, I don't want to be. I can't say it better than that. Every thought that pops into my mind, I don't want to be there. It's a sad day when you just want to get on a long plane ride and go home. I'm thinking about doing so as well. But, like I said before, I don't quit. I can substain the pain and the hurt. Not like I haven't experienced backstabbers, friends who turn their back, and whiney (sp) (wo)men.
I just thought high school was over in high school. Why in the world would I ever think that right? I mean I've been hurt by friends every year of my life so far, why would this year be any different.
New life goal, is to survive the rest of this contract, make new friends, try new things, and beware of those who can break my heart. Right now, my heart is really broken in pieces.