Angsty/emo rant..
I have made a few personal discoveries today.. I am afraid of what everyone thinks of me. I have been so hungry for acceptance that I have missed a lot of things along the way that I have to go back for now..
I am a little disgusted at the fact that I am still afraid of what people think of me. I am only human, but I have certain things that I don't want to be seen as.
Crazy
annoying
unintelligent
and
ugly
It's sad that those are the things that matter to me, I don't wnat people to think that I am ugly.. Wow.. How vain am I?
A few things you need to know about me before we go on..
I am dying for acceptance from you whoever you are
I hate the way I look without makeup
I'm not fucking perfect
and I won't ever tell you just what I think of you
I am too afraid of being backed into a corner and beaten verbally or otherwise to tell anyone what I think of them, too many times have I opened my mouth and just let out exactly what I thought of someone, only to get hit or yelled at.. ehh fuck that
I'm not trying to play that ohh poor me I was abused shit.. It was basically my fault and I see that.. I am also not trying to get anyone to say Ohh no it wasn't your fault.. you weren't there.. therefore you don't fucking know..
I was there..
it was bad
ask him
my fault because I stayed around for it.. for 11 months.... and went back to it more than once..
been with more than one guy who has done it.
I am always wondering what other people are thinking.. Unfortunatly no one likes to be asked that question and I usually get the same answer "nothing.. I'm not thinking about anything really.." I'm not saying your lieing.. I'm saying if you ask me I am bound to tell you something off the wall... or sick.. so don't ask..
Usually though.. I am picking apart something someone has said..
or how they feel about me
you never know
and I hate uncertainty
I want to know how you feel about this that and the other thing.. NOW.. I don't want to wait
I am not patient at all
I want what I want now...
and I am possibly the mushiest person ever
ugh.. even I make myself want to throw up
with my hallmark card love bull..
On the other hand.. Love is something that needs to be approached with caution..
Don't fall into this hole unless you want to be
swallowed alive
blinded
and in a lot of pain
There should be a sign on the way to love that says that.. I be a lot of people would be like
"mmm swallowed alive.. and blinded... do I want that? ehhh not soo much"
Not to be so cynical.. I just can't help it. I have been in a weird mood all day.
I get into moods like ths and can't dig myself back out until I get some sleep and calm down..
Sometimes I just want to kill people
so fucking opinionated.. like for example.. my dad
"Christianity should end.. we need to find a way to end it and the world will be a better place.. I won't be so pissed all the time for example.. SEE A BETTER PLACE.. I HATE GOD" must he say that in a nice RAGEmanPSYCHO voice?? I think not.. He sort of looks at me like I am the spokesperson for christ and all of christianity.. Like I can go and relay messages to all of my christian cronies
Hello.. hellllooooo.. I am a christian but I am not the spokesperson.. and I don't speak for all of us... if you want a damn revolt against god.. start it yourself... asshole
Well.. I have just exhausted all the rage inside.. and now I am going to bed.. because the inhailer high wore off
Kate