Safety and Aggravation
Wow. I haven't updated here for a long time. Not since that total and complete breakdown the weeks before finals. That was a bad one. But, I think it's come to the point where I have to use this site as my, I don't know, rant site I guess. It's really more than that. This is just the only site where I can say what I want and not suffer the consequences of having the people I'm frustrated with read it.
I have this person I know, a friend sort of. Well, she used to be a friend anyway. I loved her, I really did. Not in a romantic way. Sorry, don't swing that way. But she was great. We had fun, we laughed, we were silly. It was great. But she's changed. She's self-centered, completely thoughtless, and well, generally a bitch. I can't help it. I remain friends with her, but I'm starting to think that she knows that it's a front. That I'm lying. That I'm acting. I can hardly stand to be around her anymore. She makes me crazy. I want to scream, to throw something, to hit something. I want to become violent. I want to break down the walls I've spent my entire life building up, just so that I can tell what I really think of her. I want to tell her that she insults me, that she uses me for her own wants, that when I'm around her I feel as if I'm just some flunky being used for her every want and whim. I want to tell her that it hurts. That she's being stupid and losing people, losing herself even. But I can't. That's what I hate, that I can't tell her. She's already tried the slashing her wrists and bleeding out on her dorm room floor. She's tried it, and I know if I tell her all this. If I, her closest friend, tell her that I want nothing more to do with her, she will kill herself. She'll make sure it really happens. She believes that to kill yourself is courageous. That to actually follow through with suicide is something that takes guts and willpower; that it's something that's so hard that only the people with the most strength can achieve. She's stupid. It's not courageous to kill yourself. It's a cowards way out. It's cowardly to decide that you'd rather die than to live. To live is the brave thing to do. Living is hard. Life is hard. Having the courage to get past the bad and find the good, even if it takes forever, that's brave. Not killing yourself. People who do that are pathetic. They are unwilling to find what's really important in life. That's what I want to tell her. That message, above all. But I can't. Instead I sit in silence and watch as she slowly destroys herself.
I have this person I know, a friend sort of. Well, she used to be a friend anyway. I loved her, I really did. Not in a romantic way. Sorry, don't swing that way. But she was great. We had fun, we laughed, we were silly. It was great. But she's changed. She's self-centered, completely thoughtless, and well, generally a bitch. I can't help it. I remain friends with her, but I'm starting to think that she knows that it's a front. That I'm lying. That I'm acting. I can hardly stand to be around her anymore. She makes me crazy. I want to scream, to throw something, to hit something. I want to become violent. I want to break down the walls I've spent my entire life building up, just so that I can tell what I really think of her. I want to tell her that she insults me, that she uses me for her own wants, that when I'm around her I feel as if I'm just some flunky being used for her every want and whim. I want to tell her that it hurts. That she's being stupid and losing people, losing herself even. But I can't. That's what I hate, that I can't tell her. She's already tried the slashing her wrists and bleeding out on her dorm room floor. She's tried it, and I know if I tell her all this. If I, her closest friend, tell her that I want nothing more to do with her, she will kill herself. She'll make sure it really happens. She believes that to kill yourself is courageous. That to actually follow through with suicide is something that takes guts and willpower; that it's something that's so hard that only the people with the most strength can achieve. She's stupid. It's not courageous to kill yourself. It's a cowards way out. It's cowardly to decide that you'd rather die than to live. To live is the brave thing to do. Living is hard. Life is hard. Having the courage to get past the bad and find the good, even if it takes forever, that's brave. Not killing yourself. People who do that are pathetic. They are unwilling to find what's really important in life. That's what I want to tell her. That message, above all. But I can't. Instead I sit in silence and watch as she slowly destroys herself.