(no subject)
The comic strip is up. Took me several hours to do this. Good grief. I seem to be getting slower. Maybe it's because I'm not feeling well.
I just saw over on FaceBook that a friend is having a rough time in her relationship. I have no idea what is going on truly, but it seems frightening to me. But then, anytime a guy flips out like hers is doing, I freak out. It is making my chest tight and I'm the verge of tears. Again, I don't know what is going on, but he is behaving in a violent, threatening manner... and though I don't know him very well, I really never thought he would behave like that. He never came across as a flipping-his-shit kind of guy (unless he was drunk). I only know him from her view and from what I've seen online. Now I'm all confused. I will say that if he or she has started drinking again, then everything is explained. Either one of them drunk is an asshole. If they're both trashed, get out of town because it's a clash of the titans.
My therapist wonders why I have issues of being in a relationship with someone. There ya go. No one is ever as they seem, I guess. That's why I can't really trust a person... if you can't have trust in a relationship, then you can't have real love. (Great, I'm making myself tear up.) I *know* that not every person is like the two-faced bastard my mom dated... but look at the track record in my family. Aunt DSB was abused as was Aunt BMS, Aunt RC, Aunt EMF, Aunt LPM, Aunt NME (the list is both sides of my family). Same for various cousins. Again, I *know* not all men are like that. My uncle Jack was a fabulous person and I miss him a lot. He was always good to Aunt Elsie. (Yes, I have three aunts with cow names.) At the same time, I know that my uncle Jim was an asshole and a drunk (which is a big problem), but I don't think he ever hit a woman. I know he beat the hell out of other men but I never heard about him hitting a female.
The weird thing is, I have a lot of friends who are male and I wouldn't trade them for the world so it isn't the fact that men are male. I mean, I went to dinner with six men at AnthroCon, was the only female present and I had a great time. Wasn't freaked out at all (except by the shrimp. I hate shrimp. Dude, I do NOT eat crawdads). And, no, they weren't all gay. At least, not that I noticed and it really doesn't matter anyway (an asshole is an asshole regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, etc - and besides not one of those things matters to me). None of them were jerks. That's the important thing. However, what about once I really get to know them and start to trust? What about when they're pissed off? Are they going to turn into assholes like the above mentioned dude? Are they going to become violent? Are they a drunk? How do I know? It freaks me out. It scares me. I can't get involved that closely with anyone. Been hurt too much, been abused too much, don't want to get beaten or killed. I'm the frightened dog that has been kicked too many times and hiding in my little house. When people start acting like that, I ditch them. Men or women. I don't care. I can't handle it.
This is one of those days where I feel like I want a vacation from myself, my life and my past. I sometimes want to get in a little row boat, take it out to the lake, row out to the center, and just watch day turn into night then back to day. To go out into the woods with a sleeping bag, a ground sheet and a tent/canvas tarp away from everyone/thing and just sit out there. Of course, it's too damned hot to do any of that now. The air conditioner was running during the night. We have it set at 80.
Well, now that I am thoroughly depressed and sick to my stomach, I think I'm going to just waste the morning and play video games. Back to work tonight.
I will be ok... but this whole deal with KP just has me a bit panicked. Once I calm down, I'll be good. Promise.
I just saw over on FaceBook that a friend is having a rough time in her relationship. I have no idea what is going on truly, but it seems frightening to me. But then, anytime a guy flips out like hers is doing, I freak out. It is making my chest tight and I'm the verge of tears. Again, I don't know what is going on, but he is behaving in a violent, threatening manner... and though I don't know him very well, I really never thought he would behave like that. He never came across as a flipping-his-shit kind of guy (unless he was drunk). I only know him from her view and from what I've seen online. Now I'm all confused. I will say that if he or she has started drinking again, then everything is explained. Either one of them drunk is an asshole. If they're both trashed, get out of town because it's a clash of the titans.
My therapist wonders why I have issues of being in a relationship with someone. There ya go. No one is ever as they seem, I guess. That's why I can't really trust a person... if you can't have trust in a relationship, then you can't have real love. (Great, I'm making myself tear up.) I *know* that not every person is like the two-faced bastard my mom dated... but look at the track record in my family. Aunt DSB was abused as was Aunt BMS, Aunt RC, Aunt EMF, Aunt LPM, Aunt NME (the list is both sides of my family). Same for various cousins. Again, I *know* not all men are like that. My uncle Jack was a fabulous person and I miss him a lot. He was always good to Aunt Elsie. (Yes, I have three aunts with cow names.) At the same time, I know that my uncle Jim was an asshole and a drunk (which is a big problem), but I don't think he ever hit a woman. I know he beat the hell out of other men but I never heard about him hitting a female.
The weird thing is, I have a lot of friends who are male and I wouldn't trade them for the world so it isn't the fact that men are male. I mean, I went to dinner with six men at AnthroCon, was the only female present and I had a great time. Wasn't freaked out at all (except by the shrimp. I hate shrimp. Dude, I do NOT eat crawdads). And, no, they weren't all gay. At least, not that I noticed and it really doesn't matter anyway (an asshole is an asshole regardless of race, religion, sexual orientation, etc - and besides not one of those things matters to me). None of them were jerks. That's the important thing. However, what about once I really get to know them and start to trust? What about when they're pissed off? Are they going to turn into assholes like the above mentioned dude? Are they going to become violent? Are they a drunk? How do I know? It freaks me out. It scares me. I can't get involved that closely with anyone. Been hurt too much, been abused too much, don't want to get beaten or killed. I'm the frightened dog that has been kicked too many times and hiding in my little house. When people start acting like that, I ditch them. Men or women. I don't care. I can't handle it.
This is one of those days where I feel like I want a vacation from myself, my life and my past. I sometimes want to get in a little row boat, take it out to the lake, row out to the center, and just watch day turn into night then back to day. To go out into the woods with a sleeping bag, a ground sheet and a tent/canvas tarp away from everyone/thing and just sit out there. Of course, it's too damned hot to do any of that now. The air conditioner was running during the night. We have it set at 80.
Well, now that I am thoroughly depressed and sick to my stomach, I think I'm going to just waste the morning and play video games. Back to work tonight.
I will be ok... but this whole deal with KP just has me a bit panicked. Once I calm down, I'll be good. Promise.