My First Entry
So here I am- making my first entry. Great way to start '07.
I really want to start this by jumping into my life headfirst. So the biggest thing in my life is my male situation... Its funny cause last year this time I did a very unbelievable thing- I went out with a girl... Anyways thats a story for another time. Last July I decided to go running with a guy named Lou. I wanted to help him to get into the army. Really I wanted to befriend an enemy. We ended up getting into an unbelievable chat about his life and why he is the way he is. He also admitted that he was attracted to me. I told him "not in a million years". Ha Ha Ha a million years came pretty soon. I ended up inviting him on our summer trip to Hershey Penn and Wildwood NJ. It was such a blast and him and my older brother Mikey hit it off. I was overjoyed. Mikey's approval means alot to me. My 19th birthday was days after and to my amazement Lou forgot it. How he could do that was unbelievable but it really didn't bother me too much. Up until this point, he always talked about being friends w benefits. I didn't want a relationship with him so I was more then ok with that. The night after my 19th birthday it happened. I thought it was pretty cool b/c the only real rule that we set was that if one of us decided to sleep w someone else just tell the other one. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that we both agreed that he would not sleep w my brother joey's girlfriend Caity. To me it was fair. (Recently he did) Well I can safely say that we successfully made it for four months. Then what happened you ask??? yeah so do I...
I think that what turned me off about him also turned me on. He always punked out of things when it got rough. For example he always had an excuse to avoid meeting my parents or for me to meet his brother. We spent half our time trying to find places to hang out because he at first he avoided my brother too. Considering the fact that we both lived with our brothers, many promised hang out nights were cancelled because he "wanted to get some sleep". Sometimes I thought that he was ashamed of me. Then their was nights were he would do anything to see me. One time my brothers and friends were at the dinner and he came out there even though he was uncomfortable. Maybe that was the night that I knew that I could spend a while with him. He dressed up (even used his iron) and tried hard. I loved that. Thats when I thought "yeah maybe he's not lying. Maybe he does want to be with me."
All I keep thinking about is our great memories. We got into one real fight and I think that is really what started our "break up" but at the time it seemed like it made us stronger... I guess I was wrong. Our real problem is that we were never good at talking to each other. We just let the bad stuff go until we exploded. Maybe thats the sign that shows that we could have never worked out... who knows???
So the whole time I thought I was doing a great job at protecting my heart. I told him daily (maybe another problem) that I hated him and he always said that he really liked me. He used to talk often of us being in a real relationship and I always dismissed him. In the end I figured out that is what I really wanted. I did not really protect my heart at all. I would give anything to go back to one of those days and tell him how I really felt.
But its too late for that... Now that he has found someone new, the only time he has talked to me since is when he wants some ass.(So I guess in that department I am better then her...)I have finally refused and I haven't heard from him outside of work since...
Fact of the matter is that I like him alot but I have been spending the last couple of days getting over him. I know that he lied to me numerous times and I am no longer willing to be a number on his fuck list. I want to mean something to someone. I don't mean love. I don't believe in love but I just wish that I had somebody in my life that actually cared about me. Someone who wouldn't punk out when things got rough like he did. In the end he left me feeling lonelier then I have ever felt before and it really sucks. But I will get over it and I WILL BE OK...
Lou and me and Wildwood NJ
I really want to start this by jumping into my life headfirst. So the biggest thing in my life is my male situation... Its funny cause last year this time I did a very unbelievable thing- I went out with a girl... Anyways thats a story for another time. Last July I decided to go running with a guy named Lou. I wanted to help him to get into the army. Really I wanted to befriend an enemy. We ended up getting into an unbelievable chat about his life and why he is the way he is. He also admitted that he was attracted to me. I told him "not in a million years". Ha Ha Ha a million years came pretty soon. I ended up inviting him on our summer trip to Hershey Penn and Wildwood NJ. It was such a blast and him and my older brother Mikey hit it off. I was overjoyed. Mikey's approval means alot to me. My 19th birthday was days after and to my amazement Lou forgot it. How he could do that was unbelievable but it really didn't bother me too much. Up until this point, he always talked about being friends w benefits. I didn't want a relationship with him so I was more then ok with that. The night after my 19th birthday it happened. I thought it was pretty cool b/c the only real rule that we set was that if one of us decided to sleep w someone else just tell the other one. Oh yeah I forgot to mention that we both agreed that he would not sleep w my brother joey's girlfriend Caity. To me it was fair. (Recently he did) Well I can safely say that we successfully made it for four months. Then what happened you ask??? yeah so do I...
I think that what turned me off about him also turned me on. He always punked out of things when it got rough. For example he always had an excuse to avoid meeting my parents or for me to meet his brother. We spent half our time trying to find places to hang out because he at first he avoided my brother too. Considering the fact that we both lived with our brothers, many promised hang out nights were cancelled because he "wanted to get some sleep". Sometimes I thought that he was ashamed of me. Then their was nights were he would do anything to see me. One time my brothers and friends were at the dinner and he came out there even though he was uncomfortable. Maybe that was the night that I knew that I could spend a while with him. He dressed up (even used his iron) and tried hard. I loved that. Thats when I thought "yeah maybe he's not lying. Maybe he does want to be with me."
All I keep thinking about is our great memories. We got into one real fight and I think that is really what started our "break up" but at the time it seemed like it made us stronger... I guess I was wrong. Our real problem is that we were never good at talking to each other. We just let the bad stuff go until we exploded. Maybe thats the sign that shows that we could have never worked out... who knows???
So the whole time I thought I was doing a great job at protecting my heart. I told him daily (maybe another problem) that I hated him and he always said that he really liked me. He used to talk often of us being in a real relationship and I always dismissed him. In the end I figured out that is what I really wanted. I did not really protect my heart at all. I would give anything to go back to one of those days and tell him how I really felt.
But its too late for that... Now that he has found someone new, the only time he has talked to me since is when he wants some ass.(So I guess in that department I am better then her...)I have finally refused and I haven't heard from him outside of work since...
Fact of the matter is that I like him alot but I have been spending the last couple of days getting over him. I know that he lied to me numerous times and I am no longer willing to be a number on his fuck list. I want to mean something to someone. I don't mean love. I don't believe in love but I just wish that I had somebody in my life that actually cared about me. Someone who wouldn't punk out when things got rough like he did. In the end he left me feeling lonelier then I have ever felt before and it really sucks. But I will get over it and I WILL BE OK...
Lou and me and Wildwood NJ