(no subject)
Late last week I was thinking of suicide. Killing myself cuz I did not want to feel anymore pain. So much pain I have felt in the last years of my life. Losing my mom at the age of 10, losing my father as well. Of course he was there but he left all the time. I just had my sisters and my brother to survive the darkness. My sister always made sure things with me were good and taught me new things that I know today. She was an amazing sister and better yet an amazing mom too. Another pain I went thru was losing my cousin in a gang warfare. Lost myself in a gang warfare too. Joining the local neighborhood gang seemed like a great way to get out of the pain, however, in the end it just created greater pain. I then slept with a few girls back in the day and should have been a father several times, however, it just was not my time. That hurt. I thought if I had a child that I could get out of the gang and take care of my child. But no.
This year I found out that I would be a father. The woman I had a one night stand with was the mother of my child. I was scared of the fact that my life would now be controlled by this child. I had tears of joy.
Late last week I got a call from Adela's mother. Adela was rushed to the hospital. She had collapsed. She had a panic attack. She has been stressed for a while and it finally caught up with her. I was scared. I did not want her to be hurt, but really I did not want to lose my child. Our child. I did everything I could do for her. She was released monday and put on bed rest. She hasn't been able to move around as much as she wants to. Right now the baby is safe and she is too. All I want now is to have her safe. Adela. At first it was about the child. But I do not want to lose my love, either.
Like I said, this week I have been thinking of suicide. It seems to me that God is just punishing me. He does not want me dead but rather to be a puppet for His joy. I tried talking about this with the only person I could talk to and she just made me feel even worse. And when I say she, I mean Erica. She always helps me. She helped me when I overdosed on pain killers. She helped me by calling the cops so that they could come and take me to the hospital and have my stomach pumped.
I wrote something out. If you are suicidal, read. You may learn some stuff.
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
That is what it is mostly about. You are not a bad person nor crazy if you have thought about suicide. It doesn't really mean you want to die. Just means you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If you start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if you add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don't accept it if someone tells you, "that's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
1. You need to hear that people do get through this - even people who feel as bad as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live.
2. Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal actions. Even if it's just 24 hours.
3. People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling, and you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4. Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
I myself am a survivor of Suicide. Attempts were worthless, and I sought help instead.
I am currently on a depression medication that helps tremendously. Friends and family have given me hope to once again smile. If you are not as lucky as I am, there is someone out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. His Name Is Jesus. The Bible is not clear on the subject of suicide. Nevertheless, I strongly believe it is never God's will for someone to commit suicide. For a person contemplating suicide, the issue is not hell, but finding the hope to get past their pain and live the abundant life Christ offers. God doesn't promise a life free of pain, but he does offer to never leave us nor forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
Hope is all we have. Then again, hope does die last.
This year I found out that I would be a father. The woman I had a one night stand with was the mother of my child. I was scared of the fact that my life would now be controlled by this child. I had tears of joy.
Late last week I got a call from Adela's mother. Adela was rushed to the hospital. She had collapsed. She had a panic attack. She has been stressed for a while and it finally caught up with her. I was scared. I did not want her to be hurt, but really I did not want to lose my child. Our child. I did everything I could do for her. She was released monday and put on bed rest. She hasn't been able to move around as much as she wants to. Right now the baby is safe and she is too. All I want now is to have her safe. Adela. At first it was about the child. But I do not want to lose my love, either.
Like I said, this week I have been thinking of suicide. It seems to me that God is just punishing me. He does not want me dead but rather to be a puppet for His joy. I tried talking about this with the only person I could talk to and she just made me feel even worse. And when I say she, I mean Erica. She always helps me. She helped me when I overdosed on pain killers. She helped me by calling the cops so that they could come and take me to the hospital and have my stomach pumped.
I wrote something out. If you are suicidal, read. You may learn some stuff.
"Suicide is not chosen; it happens when pain exceeds resources for coping with pain."
That is what it is mostly about. You are not a bad person nor crazy if you have thought about suicide. It doesn't really mean you want to die. Just means you have more pain than you can cope with right now. If you start piling weights on your shoulders, you will eventually collapse if you add enough weights... no matter how much you want to remain standing. Willpower has nothing to do with it. Of course you would cheer yourself up, if you could.
Don't accept it if someone tells you, "that's not enough to be suicidal about." There are many kinds of pain that may lead to suicide. Whether or not the pain is bearable may differ from person to person. What might be bearable to someone else, may not be bearable to you. The point at which the pain becomes unbearable depends on what kinds of coping resources you have. Individuals vary greatly in their capacity to withstand pain.
Suicide is neither wrong nor right; it is not a defect of character; it is morally neutral. It is simply an imbalance of pain versus coping resources.
1. You need to hear that people do get through this - even people who feel as bad as you are feeling now. Statistically, there is a very good chance that you are going to live.
2. Give yourself some distance. Say to yourself, "I will wait 24 hours before I do anything." Or a week. Remember that feelings and actions are two different things - just because you feel like killing yourself, doesn't mean that you have to actually do it right this minute. Put some distance between your suicidal feelings and suicidal actions. Even if it's just 24 hours.
3. People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling, and you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead.
4. Some people will react badly to your suicidal feelings, either because they are frightened, or angry; they may actually increase your pain instead of helping you, despite their intentions, by saying or doing thoughtless things. You have to understand that their bad reactions are about their fears, not about you.
I myself am a survivor of Suicide. Attempts were worthless, and I sought help instead.
I am currently on a depression medication that helps tremendously. Friends and family have given me hope to once again smile. If you are not as lucky as I am, there is someone out there who can be with you in this horrible time, and will not judge you, or argue with you, or send you to a hospital, or try to talk you out of how badly you feel. They will simply care for you. His Name Is Jesus. The Bible is not clear on the subject of suicide. Nevertheless, I strongly believe it is never God's will for someone to commit suicide. For a person contemplating suicide, the issue is not hell, but finding the hope to get past their pain and live the abundant life Christ offers. God doesn't promise a life free of pain, but he does offer to never leave us nor forsake us. (Deuteronomy 31:8)
Hope is all we have. Then again, hope does die last.