Retrograde
I know we are all fully aware that I'm the poster child for poor impulse control, but even I have found new lows in my pattern of thoughts these days. Somehow, as a narcoleptic, I have had 8 hours sleep dispersed over the course of 4 days and I'm not dead yet. How I'm still kicking is a mystery. But as of late, I have realized that not only men have the ability to display brooding characteristics, but I personally, have mastered it down to a science. My life has become a series of unbelievable events, all of which have blindsided me like an 18 wheeler on black ice. I really should be careful what I ask for. During Rosh Hashana (mid September, Hebrew new year, and yes I'm Jewish) I had to go and pray for change. I've been in some rather nasty personal situations for longer than I can remember, and instead of dealing with them solo, I wanted to pray my way out of them. (That and my health issues) But this is far more that I bargained for. I feel like I'm in an cheesy sim where your choices lead to different life paths in the game. For example, in the dating sims- you have the one you've been in love with for years, your dream mate, and your best friend. What you say and how you interact with the bevy of characters determines weather you get the ending you want. My problem with this train of thought is- I'm much better at puzzle games. in fact I could never sit down and play a sim because I have a hard enough time deciding what to make for dinner, much less sitting down and mapping out a flawless life plan. I simply lack the patience or mental fortitude to produce effort. I have so much in my day to day life that I run as default programs- staying awake (the pharmacy doesn't carry a strong enough pill to get the job done there) caring for an mobility challenged 2 year old, a 6 year old clone of her father, (poor stubborn child) working with the church's youth, and co-operating a childcare center are enough background programs to make Bill Gates personal computer lag. God forbid I try to run an external program (hobbies like anime, crafting, or writing) because then the lag is worse than youtube on dial up. I know that I tend to use rather sarcastic analogies to describe my current mindset, but for some inane reason, computer references fit right now. Sometimes I do long for the past mindsets where I was more robotic in my thinking. Yes, I was cold and selfish, but I was spared the mental anguish of knowing (or caring) what the consequences for going from point A to point B were. Androids have no gray area, they just process what they are programed to do. I had built up so many firewalls that nothing ever got the chance to explore my hard drive, much less my motherboard. I would not trade certain aspects of my life (family) for any former operating systems, but I'm so aggravated by everyone else junk mail that I feel like changing my email address and not telling a soul. I'm far to indecisive to make serious decisions without displaying masochistic tendencies and beating myself up before anything bad even has the ability to happen. Mental bruises have rendered me rather venerable and slightly paranoid. I've been saying "wake me up when September ends" for about 3 weeks now, so is it safe to wake up now? or will the slumber continue? Okay- ranting time is complete, for now... I'm off to reintegrate with a program called reality... *matrix soundtrack sound effects*