FEAR
There it is again, subsiding. hopeless regret and mindless discontentment. All logic lost to an unfathomable sea of denial. Which is good I suppose, seeing as im still alive. I cut myself just to make sure I can still bleed and am still human. But I don't think thats so special anymore. Because if you've ever been hated you know its easy to hate and retalitate I just never thought that cancer could turn the closest things I had. When I decided I would fight, I determined that I would fight because I owe them my life. And I still do, to this day I owe them my life. But now its different, Ive seen the hate in thier eyes before and returned only regret. Now I can feel it too, the same pains I felt so very long ago. The reason we are all the same, the reason why we feel like the world is a decaying mass of cancerous flesh. Its a horid thing to watch the human soul rot. Its no less vile then closely examining week old road kill, not just glancing at it as you drive past but tearing it apart and splaying the rotting organs and maggot filled flesh all around so all is exposed, not everyone does that though, because they figure, its not hard to tell whats dead and whats alive simply by looking at it. If you've ever known that you have no one and there is no one then you know FEAR. Such are the lessons I try to forget, hopes of achieving a better life sink fast into hopelessness. Its cold right now, in this place. The chill bites at my flesh and at my heart. This is one of the times I fear for my life, well not fear. More like know that it would be easy to die, know that instead of toiling in hopelessness or thriving in your enevitable decline, It would be eaiser to just let the blood keep flowing this time and never look back. I guess you could say that Im living to die right now, kinda like those colombine kids. I never knew why they wanted war so bad, but now its more then knowlege, its feeling. Hate, fear, misery, anger, deciet, pain, pleasure what really do I have left?
Is there anything left for me on this rock besides the selfgradification of happiness. No thats too easy being happy isn't fair to all those that I hurt, so I have to inturn hurt myself, but its ok if hurting myself hurts others, thats thier fault right? Its pretty easy to say that the world hates me, but I know thats not true. There are those who still stand beside me, some of them I don't even know. Most can never undetstand this, that and we are all dieing in some way or another, some call it aging, I call it approching the end of your countdown. Some say that you grow stronger as you grow older, I cant say thats true. I feel we are all constantly growing weaker and the pain we feel is only numbed untill we are completly dumb to it and there is nothingness in place of innocence. Id like to lie and say that it will be ok and so I will and look forward to whatever lies lay ahead. I guess you could say that I have a modern view,heh, who wouldn't. That is who wouldn't that lives in the twisting spiral of tormented anquish that I can taste day in and day out. Summer continues at a more than rapid pace soon it will be over and another portion of our lives utterly spent and nothing to show for it but a few memories of "the good old days" and the cold unfeeling scars on our hearts and souls. And yet, I go on. For no other reason then to write another message on this god foresaken journal. I guess I should be glad for these things, me bieng the attention whore that I am. How else would I make people feel sorry for me or hate me or fear me or even just think about me for a moment. How else would I manage that? I don't even want to know what you think right now, because whatever it is you're wrong, you can never be right, EVER! Nothing is ever right, its always a trick to lure you in then break you, maybe thats why everything ends the way it allways seems to. And without further disheartening I can safely say. Now its over. I wish we could stop and say goodbye but our time is already long spent. No one knows and no one cares, No one will ever care and no one will ever know. I dont really care what you think so shut the fuck up and get the fuck out...And I am forever alone
Is there anything left for me on this rock besides the selfgradification of happiness. No thats too easy being happy isn't fair to all those that I hurt, so I have to inturn hurt myself, but its ok if hurting myself hurts others, thats thier fault right? Its pretty easy to say that the world hates me, but I know thats not true. There are those who still stand beside me, some of them I don't even know. Most can never undetstand this, that and we are all dieing in some way or another, some call it aging, I call it approching the end of your countdown. Some say that you grow stronger as you grow older, I cant say thats true. I feel we are all constantly growing weaker and the pain we feel is only numbed untill we are completly dumb to it and there is nothingness in place of innocence. Id like to lie and say that it will be ok and so I will and look forward to whatever lies lay ahead. I guess you could say that I have a modern view,heh, who wouldn't. That is who wouldn't that lives in the twisting spiral of tormented anquish that I can taste day in and day out. Summer continues at a more than rapid pace soon it will be over and another portion of our lives utterly spent and nothing to show for it but a few memories of "the good old days" and the cold unfeeling scars on our hearts and souls. And yet, I go on. For no other reason then to write another message on this god foresaken journal. I guess I should be glad for these things, me bieng the attention whore that I am. How else would I make people feel sorry for me or hate me or fear me or even just think about me for a moment. How else would I manage that? I don't even want to know what you think right now, because whatever it is you're wrong, you can never be right, EVER! Nothing is ever right, its always a trick to lure you in then break you, maybe thats why everything ends the way it allways seems to. And without further disheartening I can safely say. Now its over. I wish we could stop and say goodbye but our time is already long spent. No one knows and no one cares, No one will ever care and no one will ever know. I dont really care what you think so shut the fuck up and get the fuck out...And I am forever alone