End of Time Part One 'review'
Okay, I know this is late and nearly everyone else has already had a go at this, but that seems to be how I’ve handled most fandom-related things and it hasn’t worked out too badly, so why stop now? I’ve had a chance to rewatch it and type this up, plus I think I’ve gone through most stages of grief by now (albeit in no particular order, and I am still stuck at ‘denial’ and probably will be for years…), so here’s my attempt at a review for The End of Time Part One. Er, well, as much as one can call the snarky thoughts that run through my head while watching something a ‘review’. (I blame MST3k for this, btw.) Anyhoo, in case you somehow couldn’t tell, spoilers like Costco’s selling them in bulk and having a clearance sale after the cut.
-Is it a good sign or a bad one that the Santa on the sidewalk isn't a robot, and that weirds me out now?
-Please, please, please tell me that one day, someone that makes stained-glass windows will get an order from a church and actually sneak a Tardis in just for the lulz. Please.
-If only Wilf can see the lady in the white suit, why don't any of the choir kids go ‘wtf’ at the old dude who seems to have just started talking to himself?
-*snerk* Well, there goes anyone ever trying to argue that the Doctor's asexual again...
-I think the Doctor just got sent to the Ood principal's office. Now, I could be a bit wrong here (forgive me, all I know of Classic Who comes from Fifth Doctor episodes, the 1996 movie, and what I’ve glanced through on the DW Wiki), but, really, with all the times that the Master has supposedly died and then turned out to actually still be alive, shouldn't the Doctor not be quite that surprised here?
-Wait, who the fuck is that woman picking up the ring if it wasn't Lucy at the end of The Last of the Timelords?
-Amazing how the Doctor's coat doesn't catch on fire when he runs by all those candles. Must have the same kind of flame retardant on it as the jungle does on Lost when they're running around with all those lit torches. =D
-Oh, look, the Master has the same kooky followers as Kira did in Death Note. Yay!
-'Secret books of Saxon'. What.
-What. The. Hell. This whole resurrection scene seems really familiar.
-Oh Lucy, I like you. And just what does her family do anyway? Back in s3 it sounded kind of like the Master had picked her so he could take advantage of her family connections when she was talking to that reporter/Torchwood informant, and now they know people who can figure out whatever crazy-ass Timelord science bullshit that's going on here? Who are these people?
-This chick watching the security footage wants the Master for Christmas? Can't say I blame her, but I'm not sure I'd want anyone who's running around like those things-that-are-probably-just-wild-dogs in those videos people say are supposedly of chupacabras or whatever...
-Hee! Antlers! Sneaky old people ftw.
-Obama's going to fix the UK’s economy too? O-kay...
-...Why is the Master blond? Was that a vial of bleach Lucy threw at him? Wh- oh. Oh. Bouncing like a superball now. Huh? Holy fuck, he's Gollum. Whoa, shit! Blinky skull! I- I- what the fuck just happened? He killed the burger lady?
-Boys, if you can smell each other from that far away, you either need showers or to lay off the cologne a bit (or both I suppose).
-God, the Master's like a kid banging pots and pans together to get attention from his mom. Is this how all Timelords start off games of tag?
-I have never in my life been so jealous of a little old lady, and I seriously doubt I ever will be this much again. *mind runs off to the gutter with thoughts of grabbing David Tennant's bum*
-Yes, Wilf, don't you dare die. That's an order from everyone, not just the Doctor, you know.
-Dammit, Doctor, you're going to make me cry and we aren't even halfway done with part one yet... Why hasn't anyone given him a damn hug yet?! *grumbling and sulking*
-Yes, let's sit in our elaborate thrones, drink champagne, and watch what may as well be a giant bug-zapper for all we know yet. Right. Fuckin’ classy.
-Um, do all Timelords have Sith lightning powers, or has the Master become Sylar or something?
-...And the Master took the last can of Who hash, he even took the roast beast! I think someone's upset because no one's invited him to Christmas dinner.
-I'm half-expecting him to start ranting about 'tricksy little hobbitses' and get into an argument with the Doctor over what he’s got in his pockets after a riddle contest here, I swear to god.
-Looks like it's time to slip on the ol' fangirl slash-goggles! You know, they're both pretty wobbly when they're listening to the drums in their little mindmeld-thing, all it would take is a tiny gust of wind towards just one of them and they'd be kissing right now. I'm just saying...*not-even-close-to-innocent whistling* And I love how everyone I’ve seen online seems to be saying that they were picturing the Doctor and Master holding hands while running despite there not being any such thing actually said or even alluded to in this whole scene. Even the non-shippers. Who are dudes (or so they claim, at least, seeing as how we are on the internet of all places).
-Ah, someone else finally hears your auditory hallucinations after all these years, and then ninjas show up when you’re trying to have a moment together. This always happens. Bastards.
-Wait, why did the Doctor pass out? I know he's weakened from the Master using thundershock on him, but the ninjas were shooting and it sounded like something hit him...
-'Oh, it's beautiful! …Did you keep the receipt?' Dear god, Donna's mom = my grandma. (Unfortunately, my mom does not = Donna)
-Donna just saw that guy's book and randomly thought Wilf should have it? I'm with Wilf here: why?
-His daughter?! What? No, no, no. Not the way they keep looking at each other. No. My mom and I both thought she was his wife before this. That's just... gah! Know what? I'm just going to block these thoughts out. Said my mind was going to the gutter, not /d/. I’m not having this shit, I’m not!
-This Naismith guy must love her a lot in whatever way though. Don't know of any other girls who could ask their father for the Master in a bondage chair for Christmas and actually get it. Lucky bitch. Also- canon Who bondage porn. On Christmas. Hot. Fucking. Damn. Remind me to send RTD flowers, will ya?
-Wilf's an old soldier who 'did his duty'? Isn't that what the woman in charge of Torchwood One kept saying before the Cybermen converted her? And the red hat Wilf wears all the time... did he used to work for UNIT or something? Cause that would be awesome.
-’Bitch bitch bitch!’ 'Merry Christmas!' 'Merry Christmas. Bitch bitch bitch!’ Tee hee!
-He knows he's going to die, the Master has returned, and the Doctor is still afraid of Donna's mom. That says something.
-'Are you shouting at thin air?' 'Yes... Possibly. Yes.' There is absolutely nothing I could add to make that better than it already is.
-Don't worry, Doctor. The rest of us think the inside of the Tardis is pretty.
-Oh no, you two scientist-people don't sound like you're sneaking off to go make out in the office supply closet at all.
-Ooh, the pointy green people are plotting...
-'Lol. I bought my alien tech at a Torchwood garage sale.' As if the Master gives a shit, man. I do like how they think a leash is going to restrain him when one barely works on my less-than-10-pound little dog, though. Cute.
-'I like you. You'd taste great.' Ahem. It amuses me how politely he cleans the bones and wipes his mouth after shredding a whole turkey (or is it a large chicken?) with his bare hands.
-A gate? Immortality? Oh, shit, I think I know why this is familiar now. We've got:
- someone brought back with a botched resurrection who now runs around in all black and has funky new superpowers
- our Hero In a Long Coat (tm) chasing after him (who has notably had a fob/pocket watch, I should mention)
- some crazy-powerful magic gate-thing that I'm assuming they don't fully understand the consequences of using
- people who want to be immortal
-My mom is asking how the Doctor will find the Tardis again when it's hidden in its little temporal pocket. The same damn way that Wonder Woman finds the invisible jet, mother: remembering where they parked the fucking thing in the first place.
-Billionaire with a private army? What the hell does Naismith do again? His book can't be selling that well...
-The Doctor just likes saying 'shimmer', doesn't he?
-'Oh my lord, she's a cactus!' *giggle*
-Yes, let the evil genius have an unrestricted turn at the controls to your magic gate, and then call him the wrong name to piss him off. What could possibly go wrong?
-You're not an idiot, Naismith? I beg to differ. And you and your 'daughter' are still giving off way too many squicky vibes around each other. (Don't make me get the hose.)
-Skeletor. Bwahahahaha! *dies*
-I think the Master is just as amused by their thinking a straitjacket will hold him as I am.
-The Vinvocci (don't even know if I'm spelling that right) just said a known supervillain fixed the thing that that can 'mend' (read: change) whole planets, and they don't think anything's wrong here? Wow. That’s, um… wow.
-'It transmits the medical template across the entire population.' Holy fuck, it's the nanomachines and the gas-mask zombies all over again... but bigger. Everyone’s your mummy now, kid. Fuck, fuck, shit, fuck.
-Does the real Obama watch Doctor Who? I’m so curious now, especially after he just said he’d make sure the State of the Union address gets scheduled so it wouldn't fuck up the season premiere of Lost, and there was that picture of him on the White House’s front lawn with a lightsaber a while ago… (we elected a total geek!)
-*pats the Doctor on the head* Oh sweetheart[s], the definition of insanity is doing the exact same thing over and over, and expecting different results. How many times have you run into a room and told people to stop something insanely dangerous, but had them completely ignore you by now? *more hugs*
-Crap, I just noticed the floor tiles in this place. They're in the damned library again. This can not end well.
-No! Donna! Don't fry your brain, we love you...
-Okay, so conquering the world by turning everyone into yourself. Don't believe I ever saw that one on Pinky & the Brain. Definitely new. Won't you constantly be fighting amongst yourselves though, Masters? Be like the whole Clone Saga from Spider-Man, only worse: 'I'm Ben Reilly and I’m the original, and Peter Parker's really been the copy this whole time!' 'What?! No, fuck you, I was here first, ask Aunt May!' ‘Ha ha, suck it bitches. What neither of you realize is that you’re both somehow clones of me!’ 0_o (Okay, okay, stopping before I give Marvel any more ideas on how to fuck up our friendly neighborhood web-slinger's continuity even further…)
-What can I say? The Master looks adorable in that pink dress. And he knows it. Like the bouncy one in the grey dress at the press conference too. Very happy. See? I told you that if he was a Homunculus, he'd be Envy! He's got the shape-shifting down and everything! *end otaku-crossover-crack!fic-fueling-theories here, although I can do nothing about regular-crack!fic-fueling because half the world is the Master in drag now*
-Hey, Double-Oh-Timelord, you know you spit when you talk, right? And if even you're saying that it's the 'end of time', shouldn't you not sound quite so happy about it? Yeah, the Timelords get to come back and all, but it's really not that great a thing if it all ends five minutes afterward, dude.
*sigh* Overall, I have to say I liked it. Also have to say that I’m going to assume that it and Part Two are actually supposed to be more like a single two-hour movie, and the BBC just made RTD split it so they could air multiple episodes, because otherwise Part One doesn’t particularly make a whole lot of sense plot-wise (plenty of holes as of now, but they’re being ignored out of love). Lots of ‘Wtf? Why the hell would person X do inexplicable batshit action Y’?-still entertaining and plenty of fun on its own, but I think you'd need to see both halves together if you really want it to mean anything.
Part Two’ll probably be up later this week. It’s the part that actually makes me cry, and frankly the first few minutes are some of the most distracting I’ve ever seen, so I may have to restart several dozen a few times. Plus, my New Year’s resolution is to catch up on s4 of Heroes so I can watch it when it’s actually on, and I’m only about halfway there. (Remember those stages of grief I mentioned at the beginning? Guess where anger gets redirected to! Stupid, annoying Claire…)