Heroes recap: Vol. 4, Ch. 9 “Turn and Face the Strange”

[ragdoll721]

Yes, yes, I know this is way, way late. This episode aired just a few days before Sakura-Con, I had my annual last-minute-freaked-out-rush-to-finish-my-cosplay to do, and, as the person these recaps are actually for knows, there is no way in blue hell that Hulu will work on my shit internet connection so that I could’ve re-watched the episode at home to remind myself what any of my notes meant (I had to get a chance to go abuse the fast internet at the school library). As for anyone else who may be reading these (honestly, I have no idea), shut up-you got plenty of macros in the meantime, didn’t you? I did manage to record the next three episodes so I could post these in order, so they should be up faster.

But more importantly, I think I’ve managed to turn this whole recap into not only a giant Doctor Who reference, but a semi-musical. Go me.



A/N: Most of the ‘musical’ comes from one particular song, but the lyrics aren’t really in order or complete, although it would’ve been awesome if they could’ve fit that way.  And lines in all italics = singing, btw.

FAKE!DEAD!SYLAR: *is just as fake and dead as he was when we last left him*
HRG: Yep, there’s absolutely nothing suspicious about this at all…
HUNTER: Oh, you’re just jealous that anything you can do, I can do better, I can do anything better than you.
HENCH!SECRETARY: Mr. HRG, sir, your wife is here to see you.
HRG: Okay, tha-wait, what?

HIRO, ANDO, AND BABY-TOUCH-AND-GO: *are road-tripping to the East Coast from CA*
BABY TG: *cries*
ANDO: So… you got any idea what to do with him?
HIRO: Nope. Hey, why’d the car stop? Damn lemon…

DAPHNE: *has her death confirmed*
MOMO: I think we should just get the hell out of here and go to India.
MATT: You can go if you want, but I’m going to stay here and teach the Hunter the laws of equivalent exchange if you know what I mean.
MOMO: You really believe that to be the world’s one and only truth, don’t you?

SANDRA: Honey, we’ve got stormtroopers raiding the house, Claire’s missing, you reply to all my emails with form letters, *bitch bitch bitch*
HRG: But, but-Sylar…!
HUNTER: Hello all! I’m just popping over to say hi at the most inappropriate and awkward moment possible! Bye-ee!
SANDRA: *sigh* I’m just gonna stay at a hotel here until Claire is found…

REAL!HUNTER: *has been waiting in the office bathroom*
SYLAR!HUNTER: *walks in and morphs back into himself*
SYLAR: Being you is fun but it’s not easy having yourself a good time, greasing up those bets and betters, watching out they don’t four-letter…
HUNTER: You’re not going to kill him, are you? I’m not a gangster tonight, don’t want to be a bad guy.
SYLAR: I’m not going to kill him, I’m going to fight him to the pain. The first thing he lose will be his feet, below the ankles, then his hands at the wrists. Next, his nose.
HUNTER: And then his tongue, I suppose?
SYLAR: I wasn't finished! The next thing he lose will be his left eye, followed by his right -
HUNTER: And then his ears. I understand! Let's get on with it -
SYLAR: Wrong! His ears he keeps, and I'll tell you why. So that every shriek of every child at seeing his hideousness will be his to cherish. Every babe that weeps at his approach, every woman who cries out, ‘Dear God, what is that thing?’ will echo in his perfect ears. That is what ‘to the pain’ means. It means I leave him in anguish, wallowing in freakish misery forever.
HUNTER: 0_o You’re such a pleasant man.

ANGELA: We’re having a family reunion in the middle of fucking nowhere, a.k.a. ‘Coyote Sands’.
HRG: Fun. We’ve got a dead Sylar, but I don’t think it’s really him, so I’m gonna go poke the proverbial bee’s nest with a stick.
ANGELA: That whole thing just screams ‘trap’, doesn’t it?
HRG: I’m too busy flying off the handle to listen right now…

MOMO: *can pick locks with his thumb (awesome)* What the hell? When did my apartment get ransacked?
CREEPY LANDLORD WHO POPS OUT OF NOWHERE: Oh, some henchmen from the government came by a while ago and said they wanted all your research.
MOMO: Why didn’t you stop them?!
LANDLORD: ‘Cos they scared the shit out of me. BTW, are you ever gonna get all the crap your dad left in my basement?
MOMO: Wha--?

HIRO: Because our car is apparently a piece of junk now, I say we hitchhike all the way to the East Coast.
ANDO: Right. And aside from the horror-movie-cliché psycho-killers that hitchhikers who aren’t ones themselves have to worry about, who’s going to pick up two random Japanese guys and a crying baby?
JAPANESE-TEXAN TRUCKER: Konnichwa, bitches. You need a lift?
ME: …holy shit, dude.
HIRO: Hai, Trucker-san. Bokutachi wa--
TRUCKER: Whoa, whoa! No hablo Japanese-o. Y’all happen to speak American?
HIRO: Ah, sí señor. Our car broke down and we need to get to the East Coast so that we can find this kid’s father.
ME: Only in America will you find three Japanese men speaking Spanish in the middle of an English-speaking country. *facepalm*
TRUCKER: Well babies, don’t you panic-by the light of the night, it’ll all be all right, I’ll get you a satanic mechanic… in the next town over. Hop in!
HIRO & ANDO: Yay!
BABY TG: I am displeased by this turn of events. *cries*
SEMI-TRUCK: *dies*
HIRO & ANDO: *are starting to sense a pattern here* We’ve got a theory, it could be babies…

HUNTER: *leaves a building*
MATT: *psychics from across the street* ~Hurry, Lassie! Your Timmy is about to fall to fall down a well, you should go check on them!~
HUNTER: My Timmy is about to fall down a well. I should go check on them. *runs off*
MATT: *follows*

HRG: Okay, henchmen-which one of these bodybags has ‘Sylar’ in it?
HENCH!CORONER: Third from the left.
HRG: Keep your guns on him, everyone! *pulls wooden stake (okay, it was really metal but I like the way ‘wooden stake’ sounds more) out of Fake!Sylar’s head*
FAKE!SYLAR: *stays dead*
HRG: Hmm… Oh I could throw you in the lake, or feed you poisoned birthday cake, I won’t deny I’m gonna miss you when you’re gone, oh I could bury you alive, but you might crawl out with a knife and kill me when I’m sleeping, that’s why… we’re going to do a DNA test to find out who you really are.

HUNTER: *goes to see his girlfriend*
MATT: *sits outside her house in his car and somehow manages to not be noticed by the Hunter, his gf, or any of the neighbors*

SANDRA: Claire called me, she’s fine.
HRG: Ah, good.
SANDRA: We need to talk though. I’ve been thinking, and I want a divorce.
HRG: *gasp!* Whatever for?
SANDRA: Because it’s a bitch convincing people to like you, if I stop now call me a quitter, if lies were cats you’d be a litter. *serves him the divorce papers* I’m gonna go for a walk now, be gone when I get back.
HRG: >_<
SANDRA: *leaves & walks down the street through an alley* Just as planned. *morphs back into Sylar & keeps walking, oh shit*
ME: Wait… so he and Sandra wear the exact same size clothes and shoes? (he just kept walking with the same outfit s/he had on as if nothing happened and it fit him just as well) I, um, what is this, I don’t even-- *brain breakage*

TRUCKER: Hey, could y’all move your magic baby away from my truck? My insurance doesn’t cover shit like this.
HIRO: Right, sorry. We’ll just stay where we are, and go back to the car, we don’t want to be any worry.
SEMI-TRUCK: *works again, so the trucker drives off*
HIRO, ANDO, & BABY TG: *return to their car & try to start it again*
BABY TG: *is still crying*
ANDO: *uses rattle*
THE RATTLE: *has no effect*
BABY TG: *is having none of this shit*
ANDO: *makes git!face* ~@_@~
GIT!FACE: *is super-effective*
BABY TG: Yay!
CAR: *starts again*
HIRO: What? Hey! Ando, whatever you do, don’t stop making that face!
ANDO: All the way to the East Coast…?
HIRO: Yes.

HUNTER: Bye, Molotov Cocktease! I have to go back to work now, love you! *drives away*
MATT: *breaks in quietly, only to be the worst assassin ever* Damn you conscience!
MOLOTOV (I CAN’T REMEMBER HER ACTUAL NAME & SHE HAS A RUSSIAN ACCENT. DEAL WITH IT): Eek! Who are you? Did the escort service send you? I told them I quit weeks ago!
MATT: What? Um, I.. no! I’m, uh, one of your boyfriend’s work buddies! Yeah, that’s it-- work buddy.
MOLOTOV: Oh! Okay then. Although he’s never once mentioned you, I find this totally believable. Would you like some tea?
MATT: Okay…? 0_o

HRG: Huh, the signature on these papers doesn’t look like my wife’s… *pulls up an old check or something she signed on his computer*
THE SIGNATURES: *do not even begin to match*
HRG: Ha! Still I always feel this strange estrangement, nothing here is real, nothing here is right…
HENCH!EMAIL: Sir, the DNA test results are in. ‘Sylar’ is actually that Ditto guy we were after in the last episode.
HRG: But that means the real Sylar is a shapeshifter now! Oh fuckberries…
ME: Between that and the whole basically-Google-image-searching-old-legal-documents-thing, I’d like to make some sort of joke about identity theft here, but it just seems sort of redundant at this point.

MOLOTOV: The Hunter used to be a… client of mine. He’s very honest, told me about his wife and everything! He’s going to leave her for me, you know. ^_^
MATT: …Right. Well, you seem like a lovely person, and a lying jackass like him doesn’t deserve you. I, mean, he goes around killing people for a living, so what I’m trying to tell you is: Hey! Hey! You! You! I don’t like your boyfriend!

HIRO: *is on the phone at a gas station, btw* Hey Momo, do you know where Matt is? His kid won’t stop crying.
MOMO: Oh, he’s gone off on a little revenge trip. Something about killing a guy named Bill maybe, I don’t know…
HIRO: Crap. Thanks anyway. *gets back in the car & tries to start it while relaying the news to Ando*
BABY TG: My dad’s an idiot? Oh, how I hate the world! *cries & kills the car again*
HIRO: Shit! Ando! Make the face!
ANDO: ~@_@~
CAR: *starts working so they leave*

NATHAN & CLAIRE: *just happen to be standing around at the same gas station*
CLAIRE: *looks at map* I’m still not convinced this Coyote Sands place is on this map. That could be ketchup!
NATHAN: Either way, Grandma Petrelli had a dream about it, so we’re going. *picks her up & flies off*

MOMO: *is going through what the henchmen left of his father’s notes* According to this, my father used to work at some place called Coyote Sands. I don’t feel like cleaning the rest of my apartment or waiting for Matt to regain his sanity, so I think I’ll go check it out.

REAL!SANDRA: *comes back to her hotel room*
HRG: *comes out of hiding and pulls a gun on her* Ha! I’ve got you now! I know it’s really you Sylar!
SANDRA: WTF?! Are you out of your mind?
HRG: Shut up! It takes the truth to fool me, and now you’ve made me angry! I know you shapeshifted into Sandra and served me fake divorce papers just to fuck with me!
SANDRA: Dammit! It’s really me, you dick!
HER CELL PHONE: *rings*
HRG: Hello?
LYLE: Dad? Hey, can you ask Mom if I’m supposed to give Mr. Muggles the red pill or the blue pill in the fridge?
HRG: *turns to Sandra* Where are the dog’s pills?
SANDRA: In the fridge! He’s supposed to get the blue one…
HRG: Oh god, it really is you. I’m so sorry, I thought--
SANDRA: No! Wish I could trust that it was just this once, but I must do what I must, I can’t adjust to this disgust, we’re done and I just wish I could stay… I think Sylar may have had the right idea about that divorce.
HRG: There’s a traitor here beneath my breast, if my heart could beat, it’d break my chest, but I can see you’re unimpressed…
SANDRA: GTFO.

MOLOTOV: Hunter! So Parkman was telling the truth, you are full of shit!
HUNTER: Baby, I can explain! …And how did you find my apartment, btw? Are you stalking me?
MATT: Shut up and get back inside. Now, Lelouch vi Britannia commands you-confess to everything, especially the part where you killed my girlfriend!
HUNTER: What-ack! *brain spasm* I did it. I killed her. I am a very bad man.
MATT: To teach you a lesson, I’m going to take from you what you took from me. *pulls out a gun* Sorry, Molotov, I-- *crisis of conscience* I am still the worst assassin ever, cos I can’t decide, whether you should live or die, oh you’ll probably go to heaven, please don’t hang your head and cry.
HUNTER: *pulls out a gun of his own* Dude, like I care. No wonder why, my heart feels dead inside, it’s cold and hard and petrified. *fires the gun*
TIME: *freezes*
HIRO: *walks in and puts Matt in a wheeled computer chair* Lock the doors and close the blinds, we’re going for a ride! *leaves & unfreezes time*
HUNTER: …the hell? Aw, man, he made me shoot my fireplace!
MOLOTOV: You bastard! He was going to kill me because of you! We are so over. *storms out*
HUNTER: C’mon baby, don’t be like that! …well, shit. *goes to his office to sulk*
ME: I am now sad that Eden died in S1 because I never got to use the ‘Lelouch vi Britannia commands you to…’ joke with her. *joins the Hunter in sulking*

FAKE!HRG (OR IS IT?): *waltzes into said office a bit later* Hey, look, listen, hey! Guess who shapeshifted into HRG, got into his apartment, and stole his old Primatech files? ^_^
HUNTER: Ooh! Tell me more.
DEFINITELY REAL!HRG: *pulls out a gun (seems to be a theme today)* Think again, motherfucker. I’ve got to hand it to you, you’ve played by all the same rules, now tell me where Sylar is.
HUNTER: Crap. He’s off pretending to be Agent Expendable. He’s leading a team of henchmen, they should be back in 15 minutes or so.
HRG: Good. I’ll just wait here. Man this office is boring, you ever think about getting a couple posters or something?

HIRO: I say honor, you say revenge…
MATT: Let’s call the whole thing off!
ANDO: *is still making the git!face, the poor, poor man* Um, guys? Can you play with the baby now? My face hurts… ~@_@~
MATT: I have a son? I have a son! *totally forgets what he was doing*
BABY TG: *gurgles*
THE MOMENT: *is all very cute and Disney*

HENCH!TEAM: *returns from their mission*
HRG: *pulls a gun (yep, definitely a theme) on Agent Expendable* I’ve got you now, Sylar! The Hunter told me you were posing as Agent Expendable!
HUNTER: Dude, are you high? I said no such thing.
HRG: I’m not falling for that! *shoots Agent Expendable, then waits for the healing powers to kick in* C’mon, heal! …please? Open your eyes, look up to the skies and see!
AGENT EXPENDABLE: *stays dead*
HUNTER: Smile, you’re on Candid Camera!
HRG: Oh shit. Is this the real life, is this just fantasy? Caught in a landslide, no escape from reality… *runs for it*
OTHER HENCHMEN: *leave after x amount of time has passed*
AGENT EXPENDABLE: *morphs back into Sylar*
HUNTER: Ha ha, omigod, he totally bought it! That was fuckin’ hilarious, man!
SYLAR: Getting shot hurts, you dick. Why couldn’t you have told him it was Agent Cannon-Fodder?
HUNTER: Cos then we’d be down a minion, silly.
SYLAR: And you say I’m the pleasant one…

HRG: *calls his soon-to-be-ex-wife while he runs* Honey? Yeah, hi. I know I’m just a poor boy, I need no sympathy, cos I’m easy come, easy go, little high, little low, any way the wind blows, doesn’t really matter to me, but I have to tell you that I’m going on the lam. Sandra, just killed a man, put a gun against his head, pulled my trigger, now he’s dead. Sandra, life had just begun, but now I’ve gone and thrown it all away… Sandra! Woo, ooh, ooh, ooh-didn’t mean to make you cry. If I’m not back again this time tomorrow, carry on, carry on, as if nothing really matters…

MULTI-CHARACTER MONTAGE: *is go*
MOMO: *is reading his dad’s notes*
MATT: *is playing with the baby*
HUNTER: *is moping over his girlfriend dumping him*
MOLOTOV: *is leaving her house and getting in a cab *
MONTAGE: *owari da*

PETRELLI FAMILY: *is having a reunion*
COYOTE SANDS: *is a bunch of dusty, old shacks out in the desert*
PETER: Mo-om! Why does Nathan have to be here? He’s a jerk!
ANGELA: Behave! I didn’t want to have to show any of you this, but we’re already here so start digging! *tosses them all shovels*
~LATER THAT NIGHT~
NATHAN: Phew! Smells like something I’ve forgotten, curled up died and now it’s rotten. Ma, I think I found a couple dead guys!
ANGELA: Oh, I know. I knew them all actually, there are a lot more than a ‘couple’ of them…
HRG: *drives up and joins them all*

THE ENTIRE CAST: Understand we’ll go hand in hand, but we’ll walk alone in fear…
PETER (BECAUSE HE ONLY HAS THE ONE OTHER LINE IN THIS WHOLE THING): Tell me…
THE ENTIRE CAST: Where do we go from here? When does ‘the end’ appear?
ME: It appears now, kthxbye.
THE END.

…You know, the fact that I made Matt sing a line from an Avril Lavigne song and am now going to the special hell for it probably just confirms that I should leave the whole writing-while-listening-to-music-thing to Russell T. Davies.