Screeech!
If my life got anymore plain and boring suicide would be a low point. I woke up this morning and went to church knowing that the sermon was going to be for me. I love my preacher. I love the song leader. I love my church. I am so out of it these days I could not be moved. On the way home all I could think about was what is the point. I am 22 years old and have accomplished nothing but debt and people's disappointment in me! WHY AM I HERE? I feel like the only thing that I am good for these days is to drive people crazy. I have no degree. I have been out of school for four years and accomplished nothing. I feel like the poster child for abortion. Don't get me wrong. I know there are people out there who care and love me( for some messed up reason)but I don't get it. What have I done in 22 years that is worth something? I feel so empty and pointless. I am have nothing, I have done nothing, I am nothing. I want to be something substancial. I want to be somebody. Something. I need to have a point and I look around and see nothing. There are days (today) that I feel like a mooch and nothing but a lowly wal-mart cashier. I want to be special to someone. I want to know that sometime in the middle of the day someone somewhere has stopped and thought "Where is Rachel? What is she doing? I miss her! I want to see her" but I know better. I am not going to jump off the nearest over pass for two reasons. #1 If I died I would go to hell #2 If I didnt die my mother would kill me because of the hellaish hospital bills. I believe in God and I do trust in Him. That is why my life verse is Jeremiah 29:11 "For I know the plans that I have for you, declares the Lord, Plans to prosper you and not to harm you" but I am at a total loss. I know what I want! I know what I am not going to have! I just want to know how to get somewhere from here!