Not Enough Peace...
It's been a while since I've written anything and I had to make a new password just to use this again because I forgot the old one...lol.. I was reading Faeshales journal and catching up on some things I might have missed and I realized I still need this journal if for no other reason but to humor myself that anyone cares to read it and I need to be able to get my thoughst out of my head so I don't hurt myself...
It's been five years since Robert and I got married and on Jan. 2nd it will be 5 years since I left him. We are still legally married but I have a feeling we are both very much changed from what we used to be I know I am...Oh I know I still have a lot of my same traits and physically not much has changed the usual gain and loss of weight,still fighting it. But most of all I feel the growth of my emotions and my self knowledge is the most that I've changed I know who I am now and I know basicly what I want and what I was searching for...
I've had many people enter and leave my life and I have thought about many things that I don't think I would have even imagined 5 years ago. I sometimes find myself going over my past decisions and realizing now why it was good or bad and knowing that without those decisions I would not be where I am today...
There have been many things I wanted to change but what I realized recently is I was looking for someone to do it for me and I would just reap the benfits...* shaking my head* Why? I know now that I had to do it, NO! I have to do it for myself not hope that someone else is going to come along and do it for me I do have to work hard for it and I have to put that effort in if I want the results that I see in my mind. When did this happen?! I don't really know I can't pin point and exact moment, day, or time. When I sat down at my desk an hour and a half ago it was I could check my email and Facebook account and maybe read a bit befor going to work but I checked my email and got a reminder for a friends birthday coming up and it lead me here and now this entry. I don't really know how to end this because honestly When I started typing I had a whole different idea of just and up date entry really and now it's different and I neeed to get all this off my chest.
I miss some of the people that were breifly in my life and some that had been in it for years and I had to let go of because the relationship just wasn't good for either of us. We might have been the best of friends and now I can examine it from a different perspective and not feel bad because of it. I am so thankful for everything that I have been through knowing that if I had done anything different I would not stand here in this moment and be as content in my own self-knowledge. There are just too many factors to go into. and Too many people to thank even if they weren't friends just people I spent a few short minutes with or breifly spoke with and they said something that meant something to me whether good or bad it made me think of them and thank them now..
It's been five years since Robert and I got married and on Jan. 2nd it will be 5 years since I left him. We are still legally married but I have a feeling we are both very much changed from what we used to be I know I am...Oh I know I still have a lot of my same traits and physically not much has changed the usual gain and loss of weight,still fighting it. But most of all I feel the growth of my emotions and my self knowledge is the most that I've changed I know who I am now and I know basicly what I want and what I was searching for...
I've had many people enter and leave my life and I have thought about many things that I don't think I would have even imagined 5 years ago. I sometimes find myself going over my past decisions and realizing now why it was good or bad and knowing that without those decisions I would not be where I am today...
There have been many things I wanted to change but what I realized recently is I was looking for someone to do it for me and I would just reap the benfits...* shaking my head* Why? I know now that I had to do it, NO! I have to do it for myself not hope that someone else is going to come along and do it for me I do have to work hard for it and I have to put that effort in if I want the results that I see in my mind. When did this happen?! I don't really know I can't pin point and exact moment, day, or time. When I sat down at my desk an hour and a half ago it was I could check my email and Facebook account and maybe read a bit befor going to work but I checked my email and got a reminder for a friends birthday coming up and it lead me here and now this entry. I don't really know how to end this because honestly When I started typing I had a whole different idea of just and up date entry really and now it's different and I neeed to get all this off my chest.
I miss some of the people that were breifly in my life and some that had been in it for years and I had to let go of because the relationship just wasn't good for either of us. We might have been the best of friends and now I can examine it from a different perspective and not feel bad because of it. I am so thankful for everything that I have been through knowing that if I had done anything different I would not stand here in this moment and be as content in my own self-knowledge. There are just too many factors to go into. and Too many people to thank even if they weren't friends just people I spent a few short minutes with or breifly spoke with and they said something that meant something to me whether good or bad it made me think of them and thank them now..