Update
So. I'm not dead.
I'm 2+ months into the separation and there appears to be no hope of reconciliation.
It's been the most painful thing I've ever lived through. Bar none. No hyperbole.
I seem to be past the part where my body gets into the pain act. The constant anxiety, crippling panic and desperation seem to be over. Now just a lot of head pain, and heart pain. Sadness and anger and loss and humiliation and all the other things you'd expect. Stories are circulating and, in the way of stories, most of them are not even half true. Salient point here is that this separation was not my decision. And I don't want the divorce. Hence all the pain-talk.
In the meantime, though, there is movement. Have a roommate. Very good, very long-time friend has moved in with me and that's been great. Have a new job - Artistic Associate at Jump-Start Performance Co. Office hours, flexible schedule, supportive friends, co-creative work. All very good things.
Not-so-great thing is that John's theater moved in next door to Jump-Start, just a few weeks after I started working there. Lots of possibilities for awkward encounters, but so far there have been none.
I'm getting the house ready to sell, as soon as the divorce is final. Committing to SA and Jump-Start for 2010, so looking at loft spaces downtown to relocate to. Find I want something small and clean. No shadows. No dark corners. Want to see every part of my home from every other part of it. A physical metaphor of clarity.
Other things are coming my way, too. Teaching gigs. A very-long-delayed return to performance (in SA at least) in V-Day's Vagina Monologues. Opportunities for development of my own work. Lots of coolness.
My therapist asked me to keep a list of things that were leaving my life, and things that were coming in. So far I've been pretty fail at that. I keep trying, and all that comes out is that what is leaving my life is everything. And what is coming in isn't worth the loss.
But that is finally starting to shift, a little bit. I have not reached the end of the tunnel, by any means. I don't even see the light yet. But I am beginning to believe there might be a light there.
I'm 2+ months into the separation and there appears to be no hope of reconciliation.
It's been the most painful thing I've ever lived through. Bar none. No hyperbole.
I seem to be past the part where my body gets into the pain act. The constant anxiety, crippling panic and desperation seem to be over. Now just a lot of head pain, and heart pain. Sadness and anger and loss and humiliation and all the other things you'd expect. Stories are circulating and, in the way of stories, most of them are not even half true. Salient point here is that this separation was not my decision. And I don't want the divorce. Hence all the pain-talk.
In the meantime, though, there is movement. Have a roommate. Very good, very long-time friend has moved in with me and that's been great. Have a new job - Artistic Associate at Jump-Start Performance Co. Office hours, flexible schedule, supportive friends, co-creative work. All very good things.
Not-so-great thing is that John's theater moved in next door to Jump-Start, just a few weeks after I started working there. Lots of possibilities for awkward encounters, but so far there have been none.
I'm getting the house ready to sell, as soon as the divorce is final. Committing to SA and Jump-Start for 2010, so looking at loft spaces downtown to relocate to. Find I want something small and clean. No shadows. No dark corners. Want to see every part of my home from every other part of it. A physical metaphor of clarity.
Other things are coming my way, too. Teaching gigs. A very-long-delayed return to performance (in SA at least) in V-Day's Vagina Monologues. Opportunities for development of my own work. Lots of coolness.
My therapist asked me to keep a list of things that were leaving my life, and things that were coming in. So far I've been pretty fail at that. I keep trying, and all that comes out is that what is leaving my life is everything. And what is coming in isn't worth the loss.
But that is finally starting to shift, a little bit. I have not reached the end of the tunnel, by any means. I don't even see the light yet. But I am beginning to believe there might be a light there.