Guilty Soul Chapter 10
Author: UncagedMuse aka raemcn
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: NC17 (later)
Summary: Set in season 5 of Angel. A personal journal written by Buffy Summers just before the destruction of Sunnydale is found in the excavation Angel is heading. What will it reveal to the two men who love her and how will each react?
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I’m just using them for my own twisted satisfaction.
Much love and thanks go to my beta, spikeslovebite
Chapter 10
Inferior Superiority
Malevolence emanated from the disgusting creatures, human and demon alike, causing bile to rise in her throat. If they make me barf on my new robe I’m so killing them all, even if they revoke my higher being status! she mentally ranted while listening to the evil group discuss their latest triumph.
“Is everything going according to plan?” the human male asked.
“Of course; the tainted blood has brought out Angelus’ crazed ego and confused the soul. It has made him very susceptible to our suggestions as he sleeps. The fool actually believes every thought he has and action he does is ordained by the Powers That Be. Soon that interfering blond vampire will be no more and our plans for Angel can move into high gear,” the red skinned, horned demon answered with a malicious grin.
“Yeah, that’s what you think,” the brunette floating unseen above them snorted. Their overconfidence would be their downfall. Looking skyward she shouted, “I told you idiots he needed me to keep him out of trouble!” and then disappeared.
@~@~@~
Between the erratic mood swings and the insistent hunger gnawing at his gut, Angel had finally given in and taken a break from reading more entries in Buffy’s journal. Sitting silently on his leather sofa while sipping warmed blood, he pondered his plans. What he’d thought were hunger pangs didn’t seem to be receding. Maybe it was guilt…
Is killing Spike the right thing to do? With that thought his earlier rage returned tenfold and a snarl split the air. Of course it is! It’s the only way to save Buffy from Spike’s corruptive wiles. He’ll destroy her before moving on to the next slayer he can manipulate. The fact that he pretends to have a soul means nothing. He’s evil, plain and simple, and it’s up to me to mete out justice.
With his focus back on track, Angel knew it was time to finish the tattered leather diary. He needed to contact Giles and the Scoobies as soon as possible to set the second part of his plan in motion.
@~@~@~
Excerpts from the journal of Buffy Summers
May 7th, 2003
First they try to kill Spike, and THEN they kicked me out of my own house. MY HOUSE! How could they do that to me?
Giles, with his all knowing self, tried to take out the strongest fighter I’ve got in my arsenal. His reasoning? I depend on Spike too much. I should do it on my own. The same old ‘for my own good’ line he’s been pushing at me for the past few years. I don’t get that. Being alone isn’t good for anyone, so why is it okay to be isolated and lonely because I’m the Slayer?
He so needed his butt handed to him for that! And I came really close, but…Well, I can’t lay all the blame at his feet. I know that I’ve shut myself off from him, from all of them, more and more. I’ve become so fearful of being a disappointment that I quit confiding in him long ago. I held everything in, even the really important stuff, to prove that I didn’t need anyone, but the whole time I was afraid I’d lose them all.
As mad and hurt as I am, I can’t really blame them for throwing me out. I got them hurt. I got Xander hurt. An eye gone because of me. That bastard, Caleb, gouged it out with his thumb and instead of being there for my friend, I ran away from the hospital like a coward. Afraid to face him. Afraid to see the recriminations staring back at me. Afraid he’d hate me.
I should have done some recon. I should have found out more about Caleb before taking everyone to the vineyard. I should have gone alone. Stupid inferiority/superiority complex. I guess it’s past time for me to dive into my own messed up issues.
I have this major Buffy-the-idiot-can’t-handle-life thing going on. It’s why I’ve allowed everyone to tell me what I should do and how to do it and ignored the things they’ve done that were wrong. Willow’s so smart and kind; why wouldn’t she be a good judge of character when it came to me and dating? Xander sees the heart of people. Giles? Well, he’s seen and done just about everything. He’s the proverbial wise man. I’ve never followed my own gut unless it had to do with slaying. The one time I followed my heart, it was annihilated. So I gave up. Put the decisions on life issues into my surrogate family’s hands. Instead of sharing my own thoughts and feelings, I kept my mouth shut. Some things differed from their opinions so much I thought I had to be a moron to think or feel them.
I’ve clammed up about any and all things that cross my mind or touch my heart. It’s to the point that I’ve become sloppy when it comes to being the Slayer and making decisions. Not only for them, but for the young girls who are looking to me to save them and the world.
It also causes jealousy over any little thing. I’m jealous of Faith and slaying, not only because she’s good, but because she’s never had to hide her slayer half. She revels in her duty. She fights passionately, enjoying every moment, while I pretend to hate my calling so my friends won’t think I’m psycho. How could they understand that the slayer flourishes on the adrenaline of the hunt and kill, especially since I’ve never tried to explain it to them?
Faith’s beautiful in a wild sort of way and having her near Angel, even though it was a ruse, clearly destroyed the little trust I still had in him. He didn’t do anything wrong, but having him pretend he enjoyed her advances was too much for my insecurities. Even before that, with Xander, I was anxious. I never saw him as boyfriend material, but having her give him a happy, and fearing he would like her better than me, turned me green with envy. I saw them as mine and not in the good friend way. Mine to be lavished with their attention. Mine to be held in their highest regard.
I hate being put on a pedestal. Hate being thought of as perfect and any small shortcoming I have is a complete failure in their eyes, but I thrive on it as well. I want their praise. I want them to see me that way so they’ll never want to leave me…
Through the years, I’ve occasionally gone off half-cocked without listening to Giles or my friends. It’s my duty to kill the biggest of the bads, but also a huge ego boost if I do it with no input from the others. When it’s worked, they look at me with awe and make quips about hero worship. In those moments, I’m not scared of being left behind. When it doesn’t go according to plan, at the very least I look like an idiot, and sometimes…Sometimes one of them gets hurt. Hurt because of my stupidity, neediness, and pride.
Hurt or dead.
Jesse and Tara just to name a few.
How many other nameless, faceless classmates…potential friends…died because I couldn’t do my duty for whatever reason I had at the time?
Outside relationships have always been a touchy subject. We’ve all dated someone the others didn’t approve of, or shoved them at someone we thought best for them. In truth, we all have control issues when it comes to our little family. I tried to force Xander to want Willow, Willow tried to keep Xander away from Cordelia and later Anya, Xander couldn’t stand Angel, and Giles seemed to shut down after Jenny, even though he and my mother had much more sparkage if I would have steered clear.
Jenny. Yet another death I feel responsible for. I didn’t physically do it, but my deranged boyfriend did. Then I remind myself that she could have warned us about the soul clause in his curse before anything happened, which in turn makes me want to throw up for trying to blame a dead woman to stop my own pain.
I don’t think Giles consciously holds me responsible for her death, but his trust in my ability to do what’s needed has never been the same. Why would he-or any of them, really-fully trust my decisions after Angelus?
They’ve all tried, even after I hid Angel’s return. Another big mistake on my part, but they forgave me. Although neither of them wanted to, Xander and Willow did their best to be there for me. Both were very vocal in their disapproval, but still listened to me, even after seeing what the demon without his soul-leash could do and living in fear for months.
I, on the other hand, was never sympathetic to Xander and Cordelia’s split, although I know he loved her. Poor Willow had her heart shredded by Oz and even as I sat there pretending to listen, I jumped at any chance to get away from her ‘whining’.
If I would have stopped for one second and thought about the pain I was in when Angel left, I wouldn’t have treated my best girl friend like something to be avoided.
And here I go with not being totally truthful girl again.
The truth is at that time, I hadn’t come close to putting Angel and my relationship on the back burner. Nope, I was still mopey-depresso-girl begging whatever higher beings there might be in this big universe for another chance at that insane, twisted teenage love I completely believed we had to bring him running back into my arms. I knew deep down Willow’s heart break was nothing compared to mine.
Arrogantly selfish much?
At times through the years I’ve treated the people around me as if they were unimportant, as if what I wanted was everything. I have so many apologies I need to make.
For ignoring Willow, my best confidante, all the times she needed me just to listen. All I had to do was show her how much I cared. How important she was to me. Maybe if I would have been a better friend, she wouldn’t have tried to use magic as a quick fix for everything.
For ignoring the mental and emotional pain Xander dealt with every single day due to his wretched home life and losing Jesse, instead of assuming his jokes meant everything was perfect in his little bit of the world. For making him feel inferior and never being honest about my feelings. He hid so many things from us and I never took the time or effort to really know what he dealt with at home, in his mind…his heart.
For not listening to Giles and weighing his opinion against my own before running headlong into most situations. For making him feel unneeded...unwanted. For thinking he was fine even though he lost Ms Calendar. Maybe if I had talked to him more, truly grieved with him, told him everything, we wouldn’t have this chasm dividing me from the man my heart sees as my chosen father.
For holding onto my anger with Angel and my relationship, never truly forgiving him, or for laying every aspect of what happened on his shoulders, even if only in my mind. For clinging to Riley, not because I loved him or valued his input, but because he was normal. Because my friends liked him. And because I painstakingly strived to be, feel, and act “normal”.
For ignoring Anya, pretending she didn’t exist, although I saw and interacted (as little as possible) with her everyday. She was ‘just’ Xander’s girlfriend…’just’ another pair of eyes to research and keep Giles’ shop going for him while he helped me. Never once did I acknowledge anything she tried…did do for us until it was too late.
She must have been one of the loneliest people on the face of the earth, surrounded by such self-involved humans as us.
For all the venom I spit in Spike’s face. For all the self-hatred I beat into his flesh in an effort to stop the feelings that slowly grew inside my heart for him. The bitterness I lavished upon him with deadly fists, even as I used his body to give me reprieve from living, breathing nightmares. For every moment I made him feel unworthy.
Unlovable.
But most of all; for lying to him-to all of them-about who I truly am.
Selflessly selfish, I’m one gigantic, walking, talking contradiction.
I’m Buffy. I’m the Slayer.
I hold my words and actions against the light and find myself woefully lacking. I finally realize I must work to change, or die, alone and unloved, beneath the weight of my guilty soul.
TBC
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Rating: NC17 (later)
Summary: Set in season 5 of Angel. A personal journal written by Buffy Summers just before the destruction of Sunnydale is found in the excavation Angel is heading. What will it reveal to the two men who love her and how will each react?
Disclaimer: The characters belong to Joss Whedon and Mutant Enemy. I’m just using them for my own twisted satisfaction.
Much love and thanks go to my beta, spikeslovebite
Chapter 10
Inferior Superiority
Malevolence emanated from the disgusting creatures, human and demon alike, causing bile to rise in her throat. If they make me barf on my new robe I’m so killing them all, even if they revoke my higher being status! she mentally ranted while listening to the evil group discuss their latest triumph.
“Is everything going according to plan?” the human male asked.
“Of course; the tainted blood has brought out Angelus’ crazed ego and confused the soul. It has made him very susceptible to our suggestions as he sleeps. The fool actually believes every thought he has and action he does is ordained by the Powers That Be. Soon that interfering blond vampire will be no more and our plans for Angel can move into high gear,” the red skinned, horned demon answered with a malicious grin.
“Yeah, that’s what you think,” the brunette floating unseen above them snorted. Their overconfidence would be their downfall. Looking skyward she shouted, “I told you idiots he needed me to keep him out of trouble!” and then disappeared.
@~@~@~
Between the erratic mood swings and the insistent hunger gnawing at his gut, Angel had finally given in and taken a break from reading more entries in Buffy’s journal. Sitting silently on his leather sofa while sipping warmed blood, he pondered his plans. What he’d thought were hunger pangs didn’t seem to be receding. Maybe it was guilt…
Is killing Spike the right thing to do? With that thought his earlier rage returned tenfold and a snarl split the air. Of course it is! It’s the only way to save Buffy from Spike’s corruptive wiles. He’ll destroy her before moving on to the next slayer he can manipulate. The fact that he pretends to have a soul means nothing. He’s evil, plain and simple, and it’s up to me to mete out justice.
With his focus back on track, Angel knew it was time to finish the tattered leather diary. He needed to contact Giles and the Scoobies as soon as possible to set the second part of his plan in motion.
@~@~@~
Excerpts from the journal of Buffy Summers
May 7th, 2003
First they try to kill Spike, and THEN they kicked me out of my own house. MY HOUSE! How could they do that to me?
Giles, with his all knowing self, tried to take out the strongest fighter I’ve got in my arsenal. His reasoning? I depend on Spike too much. I should do it on my own. The same old ‘for my own good’ line he’s been pushing at me for the past few years. I don’t get that. Being alone isn’t good for anyone, so why is it okay to be isolated and lonely because I’m the Slayer?
He so needed his butt handed to him for that! And I came really close, but…Well, I can’t lay all the blame at his feet. I know that I’ve shut myself off from him, from all of them, more and more. I’ve become so fearful of being a disappointment that I quit confiding in him long ago. I held everything in, even the really important stuff, to prove that I didn’t need anyone, but the whole time I was afraid I’d lose them all.
As mad and hurt as I am, I can’t really blame them for throwing me out. I got them hurt. I got Xander hurt. An eye gone because of me. That bastard, Caleb, gouged it out with his thumb and instead of being there for my friend, I ran away from the hospital like a coward. Afraid to face him. Afraid to see the recriminations staring back at me. Afraid he’d hate me.
I should have done some recon. I should have found out more about Caleb before taking everyone to the vineyard. I should have gone alone. Stupid inferiority/superiority complex. I guess it’s past time for me to dive into my own messed up issues.
I have this major Buffy-the-idiot-can’t-handle-life thing going on. It’s why I’ve allowed everyone to tell me what I should do and how to do it and ignored the things they’ve done that were wrong. Willow’s so smart and kind; why wouldn’t she be a good judge of character when it came to me and dating? Xander sees the heart of people. Giles? Well, he’s seen and done just about everything. He’s the proverbial wise man. I’ve never followed my own gut unless it had to do with slaying. The one time I followed my heart, it was annihilated. So I gave up. Put the decisions on life issues into my surrogate family’s hands. Instead of sharing my own thoughts and feelings, I kept my mouth shut. Some things differed from their opinions so much I thought I had to be a moron to think or feel them.
I’ve clammed up about any and all things that cross my mind or touch my heart. It’s to the point that I’ve become sloppy when it comes to being the Slayer and making decisions. Not only for them, but for the young girls who are looking to me to save them and the world.
It also causes jealousy over any little thing. I’m jealous of Faith and slaying, not only because she’s good, but because she’s never had to hide her slayer half. She revels in her duty. She fights passionately, enjoying every moment, while I pretend to hate my calling so my friends won’t think I’m psycho. How could they understand that the slayer flourishes on the adrenaline of the hunt and kill, especially since I’ve never tried to explain it to them?
Faith’s beautiful in a wild sort of way and having her near Angel, even though it was a ruse, clearly destroyed the little trust I still had in him. He didn’t do anything wrong, but having him pretend he enjoyed her advances was too much for my insecurities. Even before that, with Xander, I was anxious. I never saw him as boyfriend material, but having her give him a happy, and fearing he would like her better than me, turned me green with envy. I saw them as mine and not in the good friend way. Mine to be lavished with their attention. Mine to be held in their highest regard.
I hate being put on a pedestal. Hate being thought of as perfect and any small shortcoming I have is a complete failure in their eyes, but I thrive on it as well. I want their praise. I want them to see me that way so they’ll never want to leave me…
Through the years, I’ve occasionally gone off half-cocked without listening to Giles or my friends. It’s my duty to kill the biggest of the bads, but also a huge ego boost if I do it with no input from the others. When it’s worked, they look at me with awe and make quips about hero worship. In those moments, I’m not scared of being left behind. When it doesn’t go according to plan, at the very least I look like an idiot, and sometimes…Sometimes one of them gets hurt. Hurt because of my stupidity, neediness, and pride.
Hurt or dead.
Jesse and Tara just to name a few.
How many other nameless, faceless classmates…potential friends…died because I couldn’t do my duty for whatever reason I had at the time?
Outside relationships have always been a touchy subject. We’ve all dated someone the others didn’t approve of, or shoved them at someone we thought best for them. In truth, we all have control issues when it comes to our little family. I tried to force Xander to want Willow, Willow tried to keep Xander away from Cordelia and later Anya, Xander couldn’t stand Angel, and Giles seemed to shut down after Jenny, even though he and my mother had much more sparkage if I would have steered clear.
Jenny. Yet another death I feel responsible for. I didn’t physically do it, but my deranged boyfriend did. Then I remind myself that she could have warned us about the soul clause in his curse before anything happened, which in turn makes me want to throw up for trying to blame a dead woman to stop my own pain.
I don’t think Giles consciously holds me responsible for her death, but his trust in my ability to do what’s needed has never been the same. Why would he-or any of them, really-fully trust my decisions after Angelus?
They’ve all tried, even after I hid Angel’s return. Another big mistake on my part, but they forgave me. Although neither of them wanted to, Xander and Willow did their best to be there for me. Both were very vocal in their disapproval, but still listened to me, even after seeing what the demon without his soul-leash could do and living in fear for months.
I, on the other hand, was never sympathetic to Xander and Cordelia’s split, although I know he loved her. Poor Willow had her heart shredded by Oz and even as I sat there pretending to listen, I jumped at any chance to get away from her ‘whining’.
If I would have stopped for one second and thought about the pain I was in when Angel left, I wouldn’t have treated my best girl friend like something to be avoided.
And here I go with not being totally truthful girl again.
The truth is at that time, I hadn’t come close to putting Angel and my relationship on the back burner. Nope, I was still mopey-depresso-girl begging whatever higher beings there might be in this big universe for another chance at that insane, twisted teenage love I completely believed we had to bring him running back into my arms. I knew deep down Willow’s heart break was nothing compared to mine.
Arrogantly selfish much?
At times through the years I’ve treated the people around me as if they were unimportant, as if what I wanted was everything. I have so many apologies I need to make.
For ignoring Willow, my best confidante, all the times she needed me just to listen. All I had to do was show her how much I cared. How important she was to me. Maybe if I would have been a better friend, she wouldn’t have tried to use magic as a quick fix for everything.
For ignoring the mental and emotional pain Xander dealt with every single day due to his wretched home life and losing Jesse, instead of assuming his jokes meant everything was perfect in his little bit of the world. For making him feel inferior and never being honest about my feelings. He hid so many things from us and I never took the time or effort to really know what he dealt with at home, in his mind…his heart.
For not listening to Giles and weighing his opinion against my own before running headlong into most situations. For making him feel unneeded...unwanted. For thinking he was fine even though he lost Ms Calendar. Maybe if I had talked to him more, truly grieved with him, told him everything, we wouldn’t have this chasm dividing me from the man my heart sees as my chosen father.
For holding onto my anger with Angel and my relationship, never truly forgiving him, or for laying every aspect of what happened on his shoulders, even if only in my mind. For clinging to Riley, not because I loved him or valued his input, but because he was normal. Because my friends liked him. And because I painstakingly strived to be, feel, and act “normal”.
For ignoring Anya, pretending she didn’t exist, although I saw and interacted (as little as possible) with her everyday. She was ‘just’ Xander’s girlfriend…’just’ another pair of eyes to research and keep Giles’ shop going for him while he helped me. Never once did I acknowledge anything she tried…did do for us until it was too late.
She must have been one of the loneliest people on the face of the earth, surrounded by such self-involved humans as us.
For all the venom I spit in Spike’s face. For all the self-hatred I beat into his flesh in an effort to stop the feelings that slowly grew inside my heart for him. The bitterness I lavished upon him with deadly fists, even as I used his body to give me reprieve from living, breathing nightmares. For every moment I made him feel unworthy.
Unlovable.
But most of all; for lying to him-to all of them-about who I truly am.
Selflessly selfish, I’m one gigantic, walking, talking contradiction.
I’m Buffy. I’m the Slayer.
I hold my words and actions against the light and find myself woefully lacking. I finally realize I must work to change, or die, alone and unloved, beneath the weight of my guilty soul.
TBC