rambling
It's been a bit since I've taken the time to sit and post to livejournal.
I feel more secure here than on myspace. My daughter and step daughter, and steps mom all view my account
on a regular basis. I can't post my feelings there without being ridiculed or judged.
This year I am absolutely not in the mood for Christmas. The loss of my mom weighs heavily. I think of her often.
There are times that I laugh about something we did together, times that I cry for the same reason, and other times that I just cry because I miss her so much.
Her pictures are on my desk at work, and on my wall at home. Her photo is also my background for my home computer. Every day I wear something that was hers or she is within. I have 3 pieces of jewelry that have her ashes in.
I get very depressed. Some days are great though. It's kind of weird, being on such an emotional rollercoaster. I thought it was bad when she was suffering...the ups n downs.
I wish I could talk to her. I do, but obviously I get no response.
My missing her is also making me want to try and fix broken relationships between myself and 2 other family members. One wants absolutely nothing to do with me. The other.... it's hard to tell. She is still a teen and very
much under her mom's influence.That alone makes our relationship strained, forget trying to mend it.
Christmas is usually spent with my biological dad, then when he leaves, we usually head over to my Aunt's house where we would meet up with my mom and step dad. The mood will be somber there too.
I still have some of her ashes in a little pill bottle. It sits on the shelf above my computer with her picture. I'm not sure what I want to do with her yet. She is already in a beautiful hand made container in my curio. Its small and sealed with epoxy.
Eventually I think I'll figure out just what it is I want to do with her. Until then, she stays just as she is.
I feel more secure here than on myspace. My daughter and step daughter, and steps mom all view my account
on a regular basis. I can't post my feelings there without being ridiculed or judged.
This year I am absolutely not in the mood for Christmas. The loss of my mom weighs heavily. I think of her often.
There are times that I laugh about something we did together, times that I cry for the same reason, and other times that I just cry because I miss her so much.
Her pictures are on my desk at work, and on my wall at home. Her photo is also my background for my home computer. Every day I wear something that was hers or she is within. I have 3 pieces of jewelry that have her ashes in.
I get very depressed. Some days are great though. It's kind of weird, being on such an emotional rollercoaster. I thought it was bad when she was suffering...the ups n downs.
I wish I could talk to her. I do, but obviously I get no response.
My missing her is also making me want to try and fix broken relationships between myself and 2 other family members. One wants absolutely nothing to do with me. The other.... it's hard to tell. She is still a teen and very
much under her mom's influence.That alone makes our relationship strained, forget trying to mend it.
Christmas is usually spent with my biological dad, then when he leaves, we usually head over to my Aunt's house where we would meet up with my mom and step dad. The mood will be somber there too.
I still have some of her ashes in a little pill bottle. It sits on the shelf above my computer with her picture. I'm not sure what I want to do with her yet. She is already in a beautiful hand made container in my curio. Its small and sealed with epoxy.
Eventually I think I'll figure out just what it is I want to do with her. Until then, she stays just as she is.