"And Whispers The Things That Make Me So Bitter It's Sick, Jeolousy Rides With Me"
Chapter 16/?
You're separated by him at night and you do fall asleep, after you go over what happend in the bed a few times, and then the conversation you had with him, trying to figure out if anything was resolved or fixed or if you feel any different than how you did when you walked into the diner, and then you think about you and him in the bed again. It's not a very good sleep but it's something and when you wake up you don't feel as exhausted, mentally or physically.
When you get out of bed you go into the kichen and Lee is still asleep on the couch. Sometime during the night he took his jeans off and they lie on the floor next to him, leaving him in his boxers and a t-shirt and you allow your eyes to drift over his body for a moment before you turn into the kitchen to make coffee or get food, anything to stop yourself from staring at him.
You don't hear him get up, push himself off the couch and walk with barefootedt to where you're standing infront of the fridge and you only know he's there when you feel his lips on the back of your neck and you gasp then hold onto the fridge tighter.
"Lee, don't." You warn weakly.
"How'd you know it was me?" He asks and you can feel the cocky smile in his voice as it vibrates through your body and your eyes shut on their own at the sensation.
"That's not funny."
"No it's not." He says before he kisses where your neck meets your shoulder and you almost say his name again, but it would sound all breathy and needy, and you do need him, right now he's the only thing you could ever think of needing but you meant what you said last night, you're not going to sleep with him until he lets you know that he can feel what you feel.
So instead you turn around, you're prepared to deal with this face to face, but that turns out to be an even worse idea because he's closer than you expected him to be and his body is on yours and you have no where to go.
"I told you I wasn't going to do this."
"You said you would sleep with me, this is different." He says before he kisses your neck again, and then he moves up your skin and to your jaw and when you get the nerve to touch him, your hands on his chest to move him back he kisses your lips. So softly but you can feel that he's holding back.
"But where this is going." You say when he separates his lips from yours for a moment.
"This doesn't have to go anywhere, it can just be this." He's back at your neck and his hands move down to your waist, like he's about to pick you up and pin you even more against the fridge or take you into the bedroom and repeat what happened last night. "Unless." It's another kiss to your lips. "You want it to be more."
You take a deep shuddering breath and then take your hands off his chest and put them on his face as you guide his lips back to yours.
Then he picks you up and you're between him and the bed, and then he's between you and the bed and this time you're not lost in the tangle of arms and legs and you know exactly what he's doing, for the most part, because you're starting to know his body better, and the way that he moves and the way that he makes yours move and you feel like you don't regret this as much as you thought you would.
So it's this kind of pseudo relationship that you have with him. It's not like it was before when you were 16 because you're both older and you just walked back into his life and you don't know what he had going on before you did, or who he had going on before you, and you don't really want to know so you don't ask.
But you have no idea if you're dating him.
Sometimes you think you are because of the way that he looks at you when he wakes up in the morning and how his hand will lightly touch your arm if he wants to get your attention.
But then there are the phone calls that you overhear that have a distinct femine voice on the other end and he's flirty when he talks and when you walk into the room fully he makes some excuse and hangs up before he turns back to you and you're left there staring blankly at him waiting for him to say something but he doesn't, and it's the soft touch on your arm again.
It's draining. To be like this with him. You're in a constant state of wonder because you have no idea which way he's going to go. If he's gonna tell you that he loves you right before you fall asleep at night or if he's going to stumble into his apartment with some girl late at night.
You don't enjoy swaying like that. All the back and forth inevitably leaves you feeling cold and empty and you want to leave but you can't get out of his grasp when he's holding you and kissing you and you're only staying for those moments.
You're about to have it out with him.
You're going to pack your bags and tell him that you're starting to be over this whole thing and he can't keep you in this place with him and it's time for him to tell you what he wants. Or doesn't want and then you'll either unpack your things or you'll take them down to your car and you'll be off.
But since things never go as you plan them to go that's not what happens.
He comes home from work and as you're folding clothes into your bag he comes into his bedroom and stands infront of his closet, takes off his t-shirt, drops it to the floor, and then pulls out a black button down out of the closet and puts it on, and walks back out of the room, never noticing what you're doing.
You roll your eyes as you follow after him cause you can feel your plan slipping away.
"Where are you going?" You ask as he looks around for his wallet and his keys and you're astounded that he lost them this fast. They're on the couch and you pick them up and hand them over.
"Thanks." He says quitetly as he puts his wallet in his back pocket and tosses the keys between his hands. "I'm just going out to a bar. You wanna come? I mean, I know you don't drink, or you shouldn't, but you can still come, it'll be fun. Maybe."
Say no. "Sure." So stupid. "Do I need to change?"
He looks you up and down. "Nah, you look good. I'm ready to go now so..."
"Then lets go."
On the way over you're tapping your foot on the floor of the car and your hand in tangled around the seatbelt and you keep looking over at him.
"You're nervous?" He asks with a smile, his eyes never leaving the road.
"No, not about this."
"Then what about?"
"Just....things."
"Okay." He lets it drop and you go back to tapping your feet and casting sidelong glances at him.
He holds you close to him and you walk through the door and then he loosens up on you when you get further in.
He takes you straing to the bar.
"Do they serve you here?" You ask as you sit down on a bar stool and he sits next to you, his eyes scan the room before he looks back at you.
"On Tuesdays, Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays."
"Why those days?"
He doens't need to answer because a bleach blond bartender comes over and leans on the counter, her fingers tracing patterns on his wrist.
"Hey Lee, how are you tonight."
"I'm fine." Lee smiles back and he turns his palm up on the bar and the bartender runs her finger down the middle of his hand before she turns back to get his drink.
"You're ridiculous." You tell him coldly.
"Oh c'mon." His smile lights up his face as he pinches your waist and you giggle then push his hand away but he's moving into kiss your lips then presses one to your collar bone which is exposed in the shirt that you're wearing.
"Do you come here all those days?" You say seriously, cause it seems like a lot.
"It depends on how I feel."
"How do you have to feel to come here?"
"I don't know." His good mood is slowly deteriorating as he grabs the drink on the bar that was just put down infront of him. "I don't really want to talk right now. Lets just have fun, lets go sit with some people that I know." He takes your hand and you go with him to a table that's filled with people who immediately put their drinks down to say hello to him.
You can't really form an opinion on them at first. They're halfway drunk when you sit down and they're not totally obnoxious. Until they're completely drunk and loud and Lee's halfway drunk and you're sitting there with his hand on your knee and you're watching him drink too much and you'd rather be fighting with him in his apartment, as much as you hate that, it's turning out to be the better alternative.
Your patience is being tested and it snaps when some short brunette comes up behind him, wraps her arms around his shoulders and whispers something into his ear.
She's still talking as his hand falls off your leg and her hand slips down into the collar of his shirt and he's not doing anything to acknowledge you or stop her so you stand up and go for the door and for the first time he doesn't follow you as you walk away.
When you get out onto the street the air is hot and sticky but you find it easier to breathe than you did in the bar. You're on the phone and dialing and she picks up on the first ring.
"Melanie, took you long enough for you to call me again."
"Hi Laura, i'm sorry that I haven't called you in awhile but i'm having kind of a difficult time right now."
"What's wrong?"
"I'm with Lee." There's a long pause and you think that you've lost her. "Laura?"
"No, i'm here, what do you mean? Did he come to you or what? Where are you?"
"I drove up to him and i'm staying with him."
"So you're dating him?"
"Well, I don't know. I thought I was but.." You look at Lee through the bar window. The girl's infront of him and he's looking up at her, his hands lightly on her hips and it scares you to think about how easily you could hate him right now. But it scares you even more to think about how you don't hate him at all and you turn back around. "Now i'm looking at him with this whoreish girl."
"Is she really a whore or are you just saying that?'
"She could be. For the right price. She's short and she's wearing a short skirt and a low cut top and can she just be a whore, please? Can I call her a whore right now? Can that just work for me, I need that one small thing to happen, that the girl who is pretty much giving him a lap dance right now is a whore."
"Okay, she's a whore."
"She is and he's not doing anything to discourage her even though I was sitting right there next to him when she showed up and he's being stupid right now but sometimes he's so sweet and I think that maybe he loves me but then he does this and I don't know if he likes me or whatever the hell he wants to call it or if i'm just the girl that's at home for him when he's done with the slutty girl at the bar? What the hell am I?"
"Hold on, i'm processing all the information because that was a lot to throw at me at once. But I think you're a girl that's waiting on a guy that doesn't know what the hell he wants and he's never gonna know."
"He said he would figure it out. He just needed more time."
"He had two years."
"That is exactly what I told him."
"You can only give him so much time before you have to give up."
"So what do I do?"
"Don't be that girl waiting at home for him, don't give him what he wants, don't take that from him. Don't kiss him or sleep with him."
"I have a problem with those last two."
"Oh Melanie, you slut!" She laughs.
"I am not a slut. That chick inside is a slut."
"Takes one to know one."
"Laura."
"I'm kidding."
"You try saying no to him. He's..."
"He got hotter huh? I knew he would."
"You haven't seen him?"
"No, this is the first time that i'm thinking about him or talking about him."
"Well, he got really hot and I think I still love him and I want him to love me back and why won't he even think about loving me?"
"Maybe he's just scared."
"Of what?"
"He's a young kid. He's probably scared of falling in too deep with you and.." She hesitates.
"What is it?"
"Well, I don't wanna get all psychological and dig up issues with him that I have no business in knowing or analyzing but with him mom leaving and everything."
"Oh god, you think that's what it is?"
"I don't know. I have no idea i'm just throwing that out there. It's not a real good reason for him to be treating you like this but still. It could be something."
You exhale loudly and lean your back against the building.
"I think you really need to talk to him, get it all out once and for all and then go from there."
"I can't do that now, he's drunk."
"Then wait for him to sober up."
"I don't want to go back in there."
"Then leave."
"He drove here."
"Take his keys and go. He's not gonna drive home anyways."
"But what if he doesn't come home at all?"
"Then I think you've got your answer right there."
You sigh. "Okay."
"Good luck. I'm still pulling for you."
"Thanks."
She hangs up first and you cautiously make your way back into the bar and over to Lee, the brunette sitll halfway on his lap, one arm is around his neck and the other is on the table.
When he sees you walking toward him he stands up and the girl looks dejected for a moment before she starts to talk to someone else at his table.
He's more like three quarters drunk now and shake your head as your hand starts to reach into his pocket for his keys.
"Okay." He mumbles as he takes your wrist lightly in his hand and leans into kiss you and you grab the keys quickly and pull your hand away.
"I''m not going for that." You say as you as you take a few steps back.
"What's the matter? I thought we were having fun?" He's still got that smile on his face but you're prepared for that now and it doesn't affect you, you don't give in. His smile falters when he sees your look.
"Maybe i'm not having fun." You shrug and he bites his lip with a sigh as he watches you leave the bar.