"No Closer To Any Kind Of Truth As I Must Assume Was The Case With You"
Chapter 15/?
Omg, i'm so bored by this one. I hate it kind of and I kind of hate the whole thing right now but whatever, next one should be better, drunk Lee will make an apperance and I know people like that cause drunk Lee rocks, and so on and so forth and I felt like Selma Blair in this interview with Craig http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NX8F87b7boM at 3:11. Just so bored. Can we talk about something else?
"I don't want you to hate me." He says into the darkness and with your eyes closed you can really start to hear how rich and full his voice is. "Don't stop loving me."
"I didn't say I still loved you." Your voice is surprisingly strong.
"Mel." He breathes out because he knows you're not being totally honest, he knows that you do and you're lying about it.
You can't lie in bed with him a second longer so you're out and in the hallway getting your clothes, kicking his aside to get to yours and that feels the same as the first time, except he's not next to you doing the same thing, he's still in bed and when you look over at him the sheet is bunched at his waist and the heel of his hands are pressed into his eyes.
You get dressed and pull the door closed and then walk into his living room.
You think about leaving, but you don't have anywhere to go. So you take a seat at his kitchen table and wait for him, you know he's going to come out eventually. It's not a long wait, you hear the door open after a few minutes and hear him moving around, pulling on his jeans and his t-shirt, and then he walks in and sits down opposite of you.
"I hate us." You say after a long moment of silence.
"I'm not too crazy about us either." He says lightly.
"I'm not joking."
He puts his elbow on the table, his head in his hand, fingers running through his messy hair. "I'm sorry."
"What are you sorry for?"
"A lot of things. I'm sorry for how I handled things two years ago, that I didn't call."
"I didn't give you my number. That's kind of my fault."
"I got it anyways."
"Laura?"
"Nope. She held strong. It was on one of the forms that you had to fill out for the job. I tried to call you, a lot, but I couldn't because I couldn't think of anything to say to you. I'm sorry about that. I'm also sorry about what happened here. Just now. That was low and now I feel like a douchebag."
"I could've stopped you." You shrug.
"Yeah, but you know how you feel and i'm still trying to figure that out."
"What is taking you so long? Why won't you just make up your mind?"
"It's not that easy for me."
"Why not?" You push.
"It just isn't. I can't, i'm slow on these kinds of things."
"Its been two years."
"I know. I need more."
"How much more?"
"I don't know. I need to be around you more, we were only together for a month, less then that." He crosses on leg over the other and rests his palm on his knee.
"I'm sorry about that, I just, I didn't think about how it could feel like I was rushing you or something, but I thought that because I felt it that you should feel it too, or at least know if you could ever feel that way."
"I can see myself loving you." He says and you start to get a warm feeling in your stomach that spreads up to your heart. Hope. "Sometime." And then he makes you turn cold.
"Why do you do that? Why do you take it away like that?"
"I'm sorry."
"Shut up, i'm so sick of hearing i'm sorry. Stop doing the things that you're being sorry for."
He sighs and uncrosses his leg and his feet shuffle under the table because he's starting to get frustrated.
"I really, really hate us." You cover your face with your hands and when you peek out between your fingers you see a hair elastic on the table. "Are you seeing anyone?"
"No."
"Have you been?"
"No."
You flick the elastic across the table at him and he catches it by putting his hand over it on the table before it falls off the edge, he looks down at it and puts his hands in his lap.
"Not seriously."
"Right." You take a deep breath. "What's her name?"
He looks up at you and then back down.
"Names?"
Still nothing.
"Okay, you're right, those aren't important."
"That's not fair." He finally speaks.
"You're right, I shouldn't of said that, it's not any of my business or anything. I shouldn't pry."
"What about you?"
"No. There was a guy when I got back, but nothing happened. It actually ended because nothing happened." He lookss at you curiously, with a little worry, and you continue. "He wanted to but I didn't because...I don't really know why, I mean, I think I know why but I don't want to say it now."
"He wasn't me."
"You're a little full of yourself tonight."
"Isn't that the reason."
"Maybe. I'm not sure. I don't know, I kept thinking about how you woudn't be like that, or I didn't think you would be like that, you weren't like that, i'm talking too much."
"It's okay, you're making up for loss time." He says with a small smile. " And you're right, I wouldn't be like that." The mood in the room got heavy with his words. "I missed you." He just made it heavier and you push your chair back from the table but you don't get up. "I never felt anything for them." He says as he nods to the elastic. "I kind of wished they were you."
"Lee."
"I'm just being honest with you. I'm trying to show you that I missed you and I do want you I just don't know how much yet."
"How much you want me?"
"Yeah."
"You don't know if you love me, or want to love me, whatever that means, or you just want to sleep with me?"
"It's not like that."
"That is exactly what it's like." You stand up and throw your arms in the air before they fall back to your side.
"You're making everything so complicated."
"It is complicated. It's not easy. I don't even want to feel like this. I don't even know if I want to be here anymore."
"Why are you here?"
"I wanted to see you, I told you that."
"How long are you staying?"
"Don't know. My plans ended with seeing you. I don't know anything after that. It wasn't thought through very well."
"You don't know where you're going to stay?'
"Nope. No plans. I was stupid and I drove here stupidly and I don't know what I really expected from this but I have no idea what to do now."
"Stay here."
"That sounds like an epically bad idea."
"Why?"
"Cause I can barely handle being in a room with you for this long and you want me to stay here."
"Just until you figure something out."
"Bad idea."
"I don't want you to go. Not yet. I...I just don't. C'mon, what's the worst that could happen? You end up hating me? That's what you wanted wasn't it?"
"I don't want to hate you. You gotta know that." You say softly.
He nods bacause he knows that, he knows it all he just doesn't know what to do with it yet. "It's late, i'll take the couch, you can take the bed, go to sleep, we'll talk more in the morning,"
"I'm sick of talking too."
"Then we'll do something else." He says as he playfully raises his eyebrow and you want to get pissed at that but you missed playful Lee so much and here he is and you have to enjoy that.
"I'm not having sex with you again." You say with a teasing smile.
"That's what you say now."
"Lee." You gotta bring it back, in case he was starting to get some idea that it was actually going to happen. "I know." He nods slowly. "Just go to sleep, we'll talk or not talk but not have sex in the morning."
"Okay, thank you."
"No problem. See you in the morning." He says as he lays down on the couch and you're about to tell him to come to bed with you, it doesn't have to be anything more then just sleep but then you look down the short hallway into this room and you see the covers on the bed, all out of place and messy and you know it would be next to impossilbe to keep away from him lying in the same place, only inches separating him from you and you walk back to his room without him.