Til You Put Your Arms Around Me, You Put Your Arms Around Me And I'm Home
Chapter: 8/8 Part Two
Song: Arms- Christina Perri
Word Count: 9,414
“I did something that you might be mad at me for.”
She looks at Bailey who’s sitting in her highchair next to her and stands up so she can create some space. She doesn’t like the feel of this conversation already. “Is that why you’re telling me over the phone?”
“Yes.” He says shortly.
“Oh god. What the hell happened?”
“Well. I’ve kind of been talking to your parents.” He admits and she actually pulls the phone away from her ear and looks at it for a second.
“Umm. What?”
“I’ve been talking to.”
“No.” She cuts him off. “I heard you. Why the hell would you be talking to them?”
“Okay. Before you get angry you should probably know that this isn’t the thing that I thought you would be mad about.”
“So there’s something worse?” She raises her voice drawing attention from Bailey and Leah smiles then turns her back and lowers her voice. “What did you do?”
“I kind of invited them here for Christmas.”
She takes a deep, controlling breath. “Jared.”
“And they said yes.”
“Oh god.” Anger boils up in her. “Hold on.” She puts the phone down and lifts Bailey from her highchair and tells her to go play so that Leah can have some privacy with Jared. When she picks up the phone again she can hear him breathing letting her know that he’s nervous. He has a reason to be. “What. I don’t even know where to begin with you right now.”
“Wherever you want?”
“You’ve been talking to them? What kind of right do you have to talk to them?”
“You can’t tell me who I can and cannot talk to Leah. That’s not fair.”
“But my parents. My parents.”
“You talk to my parents.”
“Totally not the same thing. Not even close to being the same thing. Your parents are actually decent people and mine are just…they are just not good.”
“They’re actually not that bad.”
“Have you forgotten all that shit that my mother said to us?”
“No. But have you forgotten the conversations that you’ve been having with your mother? You said that they’re going
okay.”
“They are but that doesn’t mean I want them here for Christmas. We’re not even close to being a family and that is what Christmas is. It’s family thing.”
“They are family. They should meet Bailey and she should be able to meet her grandparents.”
“She already has grandparents.”
“She has two more that she doesn’t even know about.”
“And I’d like to keep it that way.”
“She’s going to be in school soon and what is she going to think when the other kids start to talk about their family and she can’t because she doesn’t know a whole chunk of hers.”
“Trust me Jared; she could talk about your family for days.”
“They do family trees and shit eventually. She won’t be able to fill one side of it out.”
“She can still fill it out. She just won’t know who they are.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“I am more than okay with that.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes seriously. I don’t joke about shit like this.”
“Well they said yes.”
“Well then make them not say yes.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. You’re best friends with them; you can make them do anything.”
“It’s not like that. I just want Bailey to know her family.”
“I didn’t know half of my grandparents and I was fine.”
“You mean the half that was already dead by the time that you were born?”
She’s shocked by that; the logic of it all and she doesn’t have a comeback. “That is my family you’re talking about. I’d appreciate it if you showed some respect.” She says with so much anger that she cannot be taken seriously and he laughs.
“Your parents coming for Christmas will be good. I promise you.”
“I don’t think I believe that. You can’t put my parents and good in the same sentence Jared, it doesn’t work.”
“Well I think I just did so.”
“So this is going to suck. Christmas ruined. Congratulations.” She’s half joking.
“There’s always next year.”
“I’m sure they’ll be out here next year too. They’re probably going to stay this year for New Years and Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day and any other menial holiday because you want to see them because they’re your best friends in the whole world. God, why don’t they just move in here?”
He exhales loudly into the phone. “Leah.”
“When are you going to be home?”
“Why?”
“Because I need to figure out how much time I have to change the locks on the door.”
“I hope you’re kidding.”
“I hope I am too. It seems like a lot of work to change the locks.”
“This really won’t be that bad, Leah. I wouldn’t have invited them if I thought this was going to hurt you. Trust me.”
“Ugh. I hate when you say that. If I don’t drop this now I’m going to seem like a bitch.”
“Then just accept it so we can all move on.”
“I don’t like it.”
“I’m sorry. But I’ll be home in ten minutes so if you want to change the locks you better hurry up and call someone.”
“I’m calling someone on the land line as we speak.”
“Alright. I love you.”
“You’re pushing me baby.”
“I know you love me too. See you in eight.”
Leah is visibly stressed out in the car ride over to Jared’s mother’s house on Christmas Eve. Her foot is tapping and her nails are as well against the arm rest and she keeps sighing dramatically and shooting Jared daggers.
He happily ignores her. After listening to her complain for the past month this kind of bitterness just rolls right off of him. It can’t be about her own feelings anymore. It’s Christmas and their daughter is meeting her grandparents for the first time.
He wishes she could focus on that.
He pointedly disregards an especially loud sigh from her by talking to Bailey. “You excited for who you’re going to see tonight?” Jared asks looking into the rear view mirror so he can see her in her car seat.
“Santa?” She answers back and Leah cracks a smile for the first time in what Jared feels like is forever.
“That’s later tonight. You’re going to see your grandparents tonight.”
“I saw them yesterday.”
“You saw my parent’s yesterday. Tonight you’re going to see your mom’s parents…” He trails off when he sees Bailey’s confused and disinterested face and looks quickly to Leah who is cowering in her seat. “You didn’t tell her did you?”
She plays dumb. “Tell her what?”
“That is unbelievable.”
“I didn’t think there was anything to tell.”
“Seriously?”
She nods and he rolls his eyes and directs his attention back to Bailey. “Hun. Tonight you’re going to meet your other grandparents.”
“Why do I have other ones?”
“Because everyone has two pairs. You know my parent’s and now you’re going to meet your mother’s parents.”
Leah rolls her eyes.
“Why do I have to meet them?”
“You don’t.” Leah mumbles and Jared talks over her.
“Because they’re your family.” He ignores another eye roll from Leah.
“Why haven’t I seen them before?”
“Because I’ve been protecting you.” Leah says softly and Jared puts a hand on her knee.
“You know how I’ll show you on that map in your room where mom goes to work?”
“California.” Bailey stumbles over the words but looks proud that she got it out anyways.
“That’s right. That’s where they live. Far away so they didn’t get a chance to come out to see you yet but they’re really looking forward to it.”
“Okay.”
“She’s losing interest Jared. This was a bad idea.”
He squeezes her knee but doesn’t say anything.
Leah spends the first half hour of the Christmas party listening over his family talking and laughing and the sound of Christmas music; someone is playing jingle bells on the guitar while another is playing Silent Night on the piano, for the sound of a car door slam letting her know that he parents have arrived and the Christmas forever will have a storm cloud over her.
Jared tells her to relax but she’s heard him say that to her over and over and the words have lost all meaning to she turns a deaf ear to him and continues to plot her escape from the house.
Betty Ann’s dog barks when he hears a car pull up to the house and Leah’s hand contracts around Jared’s shoulder.
“It’s going to be fine.” Jared tells her and kisses her temple then takes her hand and drags her outside to driveway to greet them. He stands with his arm around her because the thin sweater that she’s wearing isn’t preventing the chill of the air from setting into her skin. He feels bad for rushing her. He should have at least gotten her jacket for her.
Carol Spencer, as usual, looks impeccable. Her charcoal grey dress pants, classic black pea coat, and simple red sweater completed by a gold necklace and black heels make her look like she’s going for a job interview. Something that she’s never had to actually do. She makes Leah in her green sweater with a small hole in the seam on the side and jeans feel underdressed.
Carol smiles when she sees them standing on the steps and Jared immediately steps down to greet her and help her father, Tim, grab bags out of the back of the car. He still has a hold on Leah’s hand and she resists.
So he lets her go. An action that Leah definitely does not like.
Her mother hands Jared a bottle of wine and smiles at him warmly. Leah looks away when she tries to transfer the smile onto her.
“Leah.” Jared calls her name and waves her down. She stays still and he raises his eyebrows and cocks his head to the side. She scowls.
They’ve gotten good at nonverbal communication.
Her mother Leah to go inside first, still smiling and with a gentle hello and then her father who dares to kiss her cheek around an armful of boxes because he likes to keep up the happy, successful family act that he brags to his co-workers about even when they’re not around.
Jared comes up last carrying just as many boxes as her father and tips the top box into her arms.
“Play nice.” He whispers.
“That’ll be a Christmas miracle.” She snaps back as she follows him inside.
Bailey, despite Leah’s not so secret hopes, warms to them quickly. She’s naturally friendly and outgoing, personality traits that she developed on her own because that is neither Jared nor Leah.
The presents probably helped.
Jared and her father lay them all in the middle of the living room and Bailey’s eyes widen.
“I know that we’ve missed a lot of holidays. Christmas’ and birthdays so we thought me might as well make it up to her all in one go.” Carol explains as Betty Ann coaxes her coat from her arms.
“So these are all for her?” Leah’s still skeptical.
“Yes. I hope she likes them.”
Bailey is already circling the gifts like she’s trying to figure out which one to attack first.
“I’m sure she will.” Jared tells Carol with his hand pressed to Leah’s back like he’s urging her to say something nice.
Leah sighs and looks over at her daughter who is already knee deep in wrapping paper. “What do you say Bails?”
Bailey pops her head up. “Thank you.”
Leah smiles tightly at Jared and he pats her back. That was good enough.
Leah’s seeing her mother in a way she’s never seen her. She looks nervous. Maybe a little uncomfortable. Being on the other side of the country and surrounded by Jared’s family has definitely put her out of her element and given Leah the upper hand. Leah loves it. Its power that she’s never experienced before.
“I hope we didn’t spoil her.” Mrs. Spencer says as she looks down at Bailey playing on the floor.
“I think it’s too late for that.” Betty-Ann laughs. She’s doing all she can to keep Leah’s mother comfortable and Leah doesn’t understand why. “We all get her way too much.”
Mrs. Spencer laughs but it still sounds uneasy.
Jared, who’s sitting on the floor next to Bailey and leaning back against the chair that Leah’s in, covers Bailey’s ears.
“There’s talk of a pony.” He whispers.
Bailey came home from school last week and showed Leah a picture of a pony that she drew said “I want this mommy” and stuck it on the fridge. Jared came home, saw it, ran a hand through his hair and said “I guess we’re looking for a horse now. Maybe I should’ve knocked that barn down instead of fixing it.”
“A pony.” Her dad laughs loudly because even though he’s smug and arrogant he can fit in anywhere. He can be the life of the party with a glass of scotch in his hand and a glass of wine next to him. “You always wanted one of those.” He points a finger to Leah.
“And I got one did I?” Her icy tone freezes the room and she feels like a child but shakes it off. She’s allowed to be angry and snippy.
Jared reaches behind him and squeezes her calve. “I’ll get you a pony.”
Leah moves her leg and keeps the frown.
“That might be a good idea.” Mrs. Spencer says. “They like company.”
“We’ll have to think about it.” Leah stands up suddenly.
“Where are you going?” Jared asks, alarmed and ready to get up and follow her; chase her down and keep her in this room with her parents until everyone loves each other and all that shit.
“No where.” She mumbles. “Don’t worry about it.”
She stands at the sink in the kitchen. There are a few dishes and glasses soaking in the water and the mom in her feels
like she needs to clean up but the child that she’s acting like tonight tells her to walk away. Run away.
“Do you want them to leave?”
She flinches when she hears Jared’s voice.
“You’re acting like a child, Leah.”
“So what?” Leah responds, proving his point.
“They’ve been nothing but nice to everyone here. They love Bailey and she seems to love them.”
“They bought her all that stuff. They’re buying her affection.”
“Who cares? So they bought her some toys. This is the first time they’ve ever met her, did you expect them to come here empty handed?”
She skims her fingertips along the top of the murky dishwater and then immediately wipes them on the towel next to the sink. “I don’t know.”
He laughs and the sound infuriates her so when he tries to put his arms around her she pushes away but then gives in when he manages to get a kiss to her cheek.
“I just want to be mad at them.” She presses her back into his chest and talks in a whisper into his neck. “And now I’m mad because they aren’t doing anything to make me mad. It’s complicated.”
“No it’s not. Nothing is ever that complicated. That’s just something that people say when they don’t have anything good to say. Are you going go back in there or are you going to hide out and be a baby in here?”
“Be a baby in here.”
“No.” He pushes her back away from him and towards the door and she twists around and grabs his hand. “It’s not so bad.” He opens the door to the living room and Leah sees that Bailey has abandoned her place on the floor for a spot
across Leah’s father’s lap.
“See. If she doesn’t have a problem with it then you shouldn’t either.”
Leah scowls outwardly but her heart swells on the inside.
At the end of the week Leah has softened her position against her parents quite considerably. They’re not one big happy family yet and they probably never will be but Leah’s not looking for a fight at every turn so it’s a definite start.
She’s not sad to see them leave per se but she knows that Bailey is so that’s why Leah doesn’t do a happy dance as they pack up their things and Jared helps her father haul the bags to the rental car. Bailey trails after them with her arms raised at her sides trying to steady herself on the icy driveway.
“Button your coat, Bailey.” Leah tells her as she stands on the front porch steps, her mother at her side.
“I’m not cold.” She back talks and Leah rolls her eyes.
Her mother chuckles. “Just like you when you were young.”
Leah bites her tongue to stop herself from saying she and I are nothing like you and I.
“Jared seems like a sweet guy.” Mrs. Spencer says softly and Leah looks down the driveway at him, her father, and Bailey.
“He is.”
Jared tells Bailey to button her jacket and she does it with a smile.
“He really loves her.”
“Mmmm. She adores him too. She misses him the most always.” Leah turns towards her mother. “I mean, I know she misses me but when he’s gone it’s just like the world stops turning if he’s not the one to wake her up in the morning.”
Jared looks up and sees them talking and keeps the conversation going with her father so he won’t interrupt them. A gesture that does not go unnoticed by the women.
“He loves you too.”
“Yeah. Well.” Leah scuffs the deck with her foot suddenly feeling like a school girl reacting to her friend telling her that a boy likes her.
“He’d make a good husband.” She hints and Leah stops with the school girl act.
“Ugh. I’m not having this conversation.”
“Why not? What’s the matter with him?”
“There is nothing the matter with him. He’s perfect.”
“Then why won’t you marry him. Hun, I don’t think you’ll do better.”
“I. Am I supposed to be offended by that or something?”
“No. I’m saying that he loves you and you love him, I’m assuming.”
“I do. I love him.”
“Okay. And you have a daughter that you both love so why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I don’t know why. I don’t know if I buy into the whole ‘marriage’ thing anyways.”
“What is there to buy into?”
“The whole thing. I don’t think I see the point. It’s a lot of work for what? A ring and lot money spent and some pictures that sit on shelves. We’re happy with the way that things are.”
”You sure about that?”
“Yes mother.” Leah says with a tone of finality to her voice and she shoots a look at Jared telling him that it’s time to wrap
it up.
Jared slams the trunk of the car and after Bailey hugs her father and Jared shakes his hand he ducks into the car and they head back up the driveway.
“Just think about it.” Her mother says softly and Jared and Bailey are too close for Leah to snap at her so she just nods
her head.
Jared clears his throat in order to break into the conversation. “Bailey’s birthday is in April. Maybe you two could come
back out here for that. Or we could go to you?”
Leah only smiles because she’s so tired of frowning. But she’s not too tired to not speak to him for the rest of the night.
When Bailey turns five she starts kindergarten. And as a result Jared and Leah are introduced to Marissa Colebrook.
Leah meets her first and she wishes she never did. Marissa is the mother of one of the girls in Bailey’s class and as far as Marissa is concerned she owns the school. She’s the leader or founder or chair women of every club or association.
She thinks she’s perfect. She’s always dressed like she’s going to a party or a boardroom meeting. She’s plastic. She reminds Leah of her mother. Maybe that’s the route of Leah’s distaste.
Or maybe it’s that no matter what Leah does; Marissa constantly looks down on her. Like nothing is ever good enough, like she’s jealous.
Leah has heard rumors. Bailey has a lot of friends which come with play dates which comes with Leah making small talk with the friend’s mothers. She’s heard that they have heard Marissa saying things about how Leah leaves Bailey to go to California a lot (which isn’t true. Leah will spend maybe two weeks out of the whole year away from Bailey) and how young she is, how she and Jared weren’t even serious in the beginning and that Bailey was unplanned and that Jared is away a lot and what could be doing on tour and what he is doing on tour, and some choice words about unwed mothers that make Leah’s blood boil and conversations she’s had about their relationship and why they aren’t married yet. That just makes Leah want to laugh. Marissa is divorced. What does she know about nurturing a successful relationship?
She was only a thorn in Leah’s side until Jared meets her at a school play the kids are putting on and Leah is standing on the other side of the room watching Marissa laugh at something that he’s said and her hand lays on his arm. In that moment she’s no longer a thorn; she’s the enemy.
Leah battles her own feelings of jealousy all throughout the play only stopping to focus on Bailey’s small part and then its right back to it.
Marissa Colebrook touched him. A harmless touch but still. The woman has talked about them, about him in detail and what could be happening when he’s on tour. For the first time Leah considers it.
He calls her all the time while he’s on tour but what about all the times he doesn’t? What is he doing in a strange hotel room while she lies alone in their bed?
But she immediately hates herself for thinking that. She hates Marissa even more for making her think that way. She stares at Marissa through narrowed eyes as she stands to the left of the stage because naturally she had to be the director.
Then she feels Jared’s hand on hers.
“You okay?” His hand is over the program that she’s holding now as wrinkled and torn as her nerves. She was
supposed to save it to add to Bailey’s baby book. “Don’t worry. I can get you another.”
‘From Marissa?’ She thinks but she just smiles and holds his hand.
She tries to forget about it, to shake the whole incident off. It’s stupid to even call it an incident. He talked to her and he’s charming and funny so she laughed and that should be it. Leah should be able to separate that moment from everything else but the visual of Marissa’s hand on his arm makes her skin crawl. It’s uncalled for and haunting.
After they put Bailey to bed Jared stands in front of the mirror in their room coaxing his contacts out of his eyes.
Leah has to say something or else she won’t be able to sleep tonight. She has to ease her way into it.
“I was talking to Bailey and apparently there’s this boy named Scott.”
Jared frowns. “Uh oh.”
“She said she wants him to be her boyfriend.”
“Ugh. We’re changing schools.”
Leah laughs. “I think it’s cute.”
“It’s not cute. She’s never getting a boyfriend. Boys are bad.”
“Not all boys are bad.”
He winks at her in the mirror. “I’m the exception.”
“I wasn’t talking about you.”
“I would be offended but I did get you pregnant so….oh god.”
“What?”
“I’m just thinking that what if what happened with us happens with Bailey? I’ll fucking kill that guy.”
“Jared.”
“No, I’m serious. I can’t even….”
“What if he loves her?”
“I don’t care. There are some things you don’t do. She’s waiting until she’s married.”
“Oh my god, you are such a hypocrite.”
He closes his contact case and turns around with a shrug. He’s trying not to be. He’s trying to marry her and turn their
moral compass for the sake of their daughter. She’s the one not letting him.
“Anyways.” There’s an awkward beat of silence before Leah clears her throat and forges on with another topic. “What if
Bailey becomes an actress?”
“What are you basing that on?”
“Tonight.”
“Oh, you mean her one line?”
“She delivered it very well.”
“Sure she did.” He mumbles as leans over onto the bed and places a kiss to her shoulder and his hands trail from her hip to her side and all she can think is this is not the time for that.
“I thought they all did.” Truth is she has no idea about how the rest of the play went. She was too busy trying to plot out what Marissa was doing. “Maybe it had something to do with the direction.”
“They’re five.” He kisses her mouth and she kisses him back as a natural reaction. “You can’t really direct them. You just put them out there and hope for the best.”
That’s her in.
“Is that what Marissa told you?”
His lips and hands stop moving at the mention of another women’s name. “Who?”
“Marissa Colebrook. She was the director of the play. You were talking to her tonight.”
“I don’t know who that is.” He shakes his head and slips his hands under her shirt.
“You were talking to her. You know, she’s tallish and has brown hair.”
“That’s you. I was talking to you.”
“No.” She pushes his chest but he’s not discouraged as he works her shirt up her body. Why can’t he just work with her first? “You talked to her before the play?”
“Okay. So what?”
“I don’t know. What did you think about her?”
“What?”
“I just want to know what you thought of her. She was kind of annoying right?”
“I don’t know. We didn’t talk for that long.”
“But you can always tell when people are annoying.”
He sighs an annoyed huff and she knows she has to keep his attention and stop him from rolling over and falling asleep so she lifts her shoulders off the bed and peels her shirt over her head and drops it to the floor next to the bed. He gratefully touches the newly exposed skin.
“I think she’s divorced.”
“Huh.” He’s way more interested in her body.
“She didn’t talk to you about that?”
“Why would she talk to me about that?”
Why would she not talk to you about that? Casually mention that she’s single while she squeezes his arm and tips her head to the side and flirts. “I don’t know. She’s a talker she wants to make sure everyone knows everything about her. I didn’t see a ring on her finger.”
He glances up to meet her eyes. “You don’t have a ring and you’re not divorced.”
Ouch. She arches her back to push herself closer to him hoping that will make it up to him.
“It just looked like you guys were talking is all.”
“Why do you care? And why are you trying to get me to think about another woman while I am actively trying to have sex
with you?”
Because I want to know what the woman that has me doubting everything about you was saying to you.
“I don’t know. We just don’t really get along and I was curious.”
“If you really want to know she said that Bailey was a sweet kid and that her kid and Bailey should get together for a play
date sometime.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah. Can we drop it now?”
No. Why did she laugh and touch you and what do you do on tour?
“Consider it dropped.” She says as cups his face in his hands and pulls him down to kiss her.
She might drop it with him but it’s still at the forefront of her mind. Whenever she sees Marissa at school she looks at her through narrowed eyes and Marissa stares back. Leah is forced to run interference between her and Jared. There’s no way she’s leaving him alone with her.
But the idea eats away at her. She becomes preoccupied with it. She’s starting to get paranoid. She over thinks every nice thing that he does as some kind of cover up because of something that he did while they weren’t together.
There’s a change in him as well. He’s distant. Like there’s something else on his mind that he’s paying attention too. He’s always there for Bailey but he’s short with Leah. Offering one word answers to questions that he used to talk on and on about. All of that only adds to her growing suspicions and doubts.
All of the issues come to a head on the night of Bailey’s sixth birthday party.
It’s the family party, thank god because she can’t imagine this happening with twenty screaming six year olds running
through the house hopped up on sugar.
Leah noticed that Jared was especially off tonight. He hasn’t said a word to her all day, nothing good or bad but he’s kept up a good appearance around his family and Bailey. On the outside everything looks great with him but Leah can tell that under the surface something awful is simmering.
He disappears out the back door after Bailey blows out the candles on the cake and doesn’t come back. After serving everyone like a good hostess, one that doesn’t have a relationship very slowly falling apart, she heads out the back door with a plate of cake and a fork in her hand.
When the screen door opens he turns around to see who it is and drops his hand with the lit cigarette in it down to the porch and thinks about stubbing it out but then decides that he doesn’t care.
She sighs audibly. She hasn’t seen him smoke in years. She thought that was long ago dropped, totally in the past. She’s not disappointed; she’s just concerned.
Leah lowers herself onto the steps next to him so that their shoulders and knees are touching and he takes a slow drag of the cigarette and turns his head to exhale away from her.
“I got you some cake.” She pushes the plate towards him and he reluctantly takes it. “You disappeared after we started to cut it.”
“I just needed some air.” He takes another deep breath with the cigarette stuck between his lips and she frowns.
“What’s the matter Jared?”
“It’s nothing.” He smiles but it’s incredibly and obviously false and forced and he takes another quick drag then stubs the cigarette out against the deck and holds the cake plate with one hand and the plastic fork with the other but he doesn’t cut into it.
“Are you sure? Because you’ve never left her birthday party before? You barely even leave her side during them.”
“I was there for all the parts that count. I don’t think she’ll miss me that much.”
There’s a slight slur to his voice and she knows that something is really wrong. He never drinks near Bailey.
“Jared.”
“What?” He snaps and pokes at the cake.
“What’s going on? You’re losing it.”
“I am not.”
“You’re drunk.”
“This.” He shakes his head. “This is nothing compared to how I used to get. It’s nothing.”
“It’s something. What’s going on?” She’s getting sick of asking the same question over and over and not getting a
different result. It’s a loose definition of insanity. “Are you mad at me? Did I do something?”
“Nope. You didn’t do anything.”
“So obviously you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad Leah. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.”
“What happened? Tell me what I did.”
“I told you that you didn’t do anything now let’s go back inside before anyone notices we’re gone and it becomes a thing.” He starts to stand but she grabs his arm and pulls him back down.
“No. You’re going to talk to me because we are not going back in there while we’re fighting because that will be a thing.
Now what the hell did I do?”
He settles back down onto the steps and leans against the railing.
“Bailey asked me why we weren’t married last week.”
“Oh. What did you tell her?”
“Nothing. I changed the subject. What did you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. The truth.”
“I thought about it but I didn’t want to paint you in a bad light, y’know.”
“No, I don’t know.”
“It’s you, Leah. You’re the reason why we’re not married.” He says hotly and she knows this is verging on dangerous territory but she can’t stop it. “It’s all you.”
“I.” She can’t believe that this is happening. They haven’t talked about marriage in so long. She thought it went the way of the smoking. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Why won’t you marry me? Say that, tell me that because it’s driving me crazy. I’ve been through every options and I can’t figure it out.”
“I’m not ready.” She replies lamely.
“Ugh, I am so sick of that excuse. What the fuck does that even mean anyways? Do you even know or is it just something that you say to shut me up?”
“Jared.”
“Because I thought that it had something to do with your parents so I fixed that.”
“Is that why you did that? So I would rethink marrying you? That was a little selfish.”
“Yeah, it was really selfish of me to try and make you happy. What an ass I am. That’s all I ever try and do and I ask you to do one thing for me.”
“You’re asking me to marry you, it’s a big deal.”
“It is not that big of a deal.” His voice rises rapidly. “It’s a ring and a dress and some flowers and ‘I do’ for fucks sake Leah, that’s all it is.”
“Then why do you want it so bad if that’s all it is?”
“Because I do. Alright? I just want to marry you and what the hell is wrong with you?” He snaps. “What kind of.” He stops suddenly and huffs out a deep breath trying to control his frustration and anger. “Forget this Leah, please. We have to stop because I’m pissed off and yeah, I’m a little drunk and I’m about to say something’s that I’m really going to regret so let’s go inside and forget the whole thing.”
“I don’t want you to go back in there angry. Let’s get it all out in the open you can’t hold it in like this, it’s not healthy.”
“This conversation is not healthy and I’m begging you to end it here.”
“I want to hear it. Get mad at me.”
He lowers his voice when he hears someone laughing inside. If he can hear them they can hear him. “I already am mad
at you. I’m starting to get anxious.”
“For what?” Then she clings onto something really stupid. “Is that what you talk to Marissa about?” She says her name like it’s a swear.
“Who the hell is that?”
“It’s that stupid mom at Bailey’s school that flirts with you all the time.”
“I don’t even know.” He stops and remembers the conversation that they had in bed a few weeks ago. “Are you seriously
still thinking about that? I don’t even know who that woman is, I can’t even picture her. That was the first and probably the
last time I will ever even speak to her.”
“She seemed really into you.”
“So what? I don’t care what she thinks or what she’s into. I haven’t done anything to hurt you ever, I have always been
here for the both of you and I’m not going anywhere. I am in love with you and I want to marry you and what the hell is wrong with you? I am asking you to marry me over and over again. A normal girl would’ve said yes the first time, a normal girl would want this.”
“I’m sorry I’m not a normal girl.”
He sighs. “What did I do to you? Why won’t you marry me? The only thing I can think of is that you don’t love me.”
She gasps at his explanation. “That’s not true.”
“I don’t know. I keep coming back to you not loving me as much as you say you love me.”
“No, Jared no.” She’s too flustered to really defend herself. “I love you.”
He shrugs like he’s tired of this. “I don’t know Leah.”
“How can you not know?” Anger swells up in her. “I love you so much. I’ve said it; you’ve heard it.”
“I need to have more than just hearing it.”
“What more do you need?”
“For you to fucking marry me. For fucks sake Leah this is what this whole stupid thing is about. Where the fuck have you been?”
Before she can answer they’re interrupted by the slamming of the screen door.
“Hey.” His mother steps out onto the porch and Jared and Leah look down at their feet because they both know they’re about to get yelled at. “Y’all have a daughter in there that refuses to open her presents until her mommy and daddy are in there next to her so I suggest that whatever it is that you two have going on back here you drop it now and get back inside.”
“Yes m’am.”
“We were just coming in Mom.”
Betty-Ann looks them over for a moment then goes back inside closing the door with a soft thud this time instead of a slam.
Jared finally raises his eyes to her. “You heard her.” He says coldly. “Let’s go.”
He turns around but she grabs his arm.
“Wait. You know I love you, right? You know that?”
He stares right through her then rolls his eyes and pulls his arm away without saying a word.
She doesn’t feel like she’s breathing for the rest of the party. As she watches him walk inside and swing a giggling
Bailey onto his lap everything inside her burns. Her lungs, her brain, her heart; it’s all pulsing and pounding and fighting with her voice that’s trying to say that she loves him over and over again in front of all these people so that maybe he’ll believe it. Like professing it like that would be just as good as marriage.
She manages to keep quiet except for a few encouraging and excited remarks sent to Bailey as she opens her gifts. Leah keeps a smile on her face, plastered onto her lips because both of them have to keep a brave face on. They have to cover up their argument for Bailey’s sake. She doesn’t need to ever know that her parents are fighting.
Thankfully the party ends when Bailey falls asleep against Jared’s chest and while he goes upstairs to put her to bed Leah stays downstairs and cleans up. If things were decent between them he’d come back down and help her but since they’re (he’s) mad she doesn’t see him until she goes upstairs.
He’s already in bed, lying on his side so she can’t see his face and the covers pulled up to his chin. She sighs as she enters the room and wordlessly slips into the bathroom to take a shower and change. When she’s done and pulls back the covers of the bed and lies down on the edge so there’s a big gap between them. He doesn’t seem to think that’s enough distance between them because she feels the bed shift as he moves over still. He has to be halfway hanging off the mattress.
“Okay.” Her whisper echoes off the walls and comes back at her, rattling in her ears.
She doesn’t feel him move or hear him react so she reaches over and digs her elbow into this spine. He groans.
“I said okay.”
“Okay to what?” His voice is still cold and distant.
“Okay to marrying you. I’m accepting.”
He’s silent for a moment before he laughs without feeling. “No.”
“What? I thought this was what you wanted?”
He finally rolls over onto his back but doesn’t get any closer to her. “I want you to marry me because you want to.”
“I do want to.”
“No. You’re doing this because we’re mad at each other and you think it’ll fix it. That’s not what I’m looking for. I don’t want
to marry you because you think it’s going to make me happy. You have to be happy with it too. Give it a few months. I
promise you’ll change your mind.”
“I won’t. I want this now.”
He shakes his head. “A few months from now you can tell me how you feel.”
“So you’re going to be mad at me for the next few months?”
He sighs. “No. I’m not going to be mad. Let’s forget about tonight.” He picks himself up and crosses the distance to her and puts his arms over her waist and drags her closer so that her hip is pressed against his. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that but I was frustrated and mad and I guess thrown off guard from Bailey asking me that and I didn’t have a good answer for her. I’m sorry.”
“I thought everything was okay. I didn’t even think that you thought about marriage anymore.”
“Honestly, I think about it all the time. But I don’t have to. It’s just a piece of paper right?”
It feels like her heart breaks. Like she’s losing the romantic side of him. She wants to hold onto it.
“But it’s important to you.”
She feels him shrug. “There are more important things, Leah.” He presses a kiss to her shoulder.
“In two months I’m going to tell you that I want to marry you again and this time you better accept.”
He laughs into her skin and she hopes that he’ll be able to hold on.
A few weeks later Bailey is lying in between them on their bed.
He’s reading Charlotte’s Web to her very slowly because he never wants to get to the part where Charlotte dies. The one
hundred and ninety two page book has already taken him two weeks and he’s not even close to being done.
Leah gently brushes her foot against his leg to get his attention.
“She’s sleeping.” She whispers and Jared softly closes the book and sets it down on the night stand.
“Thank god. I think I read faster than usual tonight.” He drapes his arm over the back of the pillow and pushes a strand of hair behind Leah’s ear.
“You know you’re going to have to finish this book eventually.”
“Nope. Not if I can help it. Why does she have to die?”
Leah laughs softly. “It teaches kids the cycle of life and how life is precious and it’s good to do good for others or something like that. It’s been awhile since I’ve read it.”
“It’s terrible. I can’t believe this is a children’s book.”
“What if she hands you Old Yeller to read?”
“Oh god. I’m burning every copy of that book I can find.”
She smirks then takes a deep breath and then it just spills out of her. “Do you regret this?”
His eyes widen and then narrow. “What are you talking about?”
She immediately wishes she didn’t bring this up. She’s not ready for this. Ever.
“I was just wondering if you ever regret this. If you could have done all of this differently would you have? Without me.”
His face sets in a hard expression and he shakes his head. “Hold on.” He says in a flat tone and swings his legs over the side of the bed and lifts Bailey into his arms and carries her out of the room.
When he comes back he stands in the doorway for a moment and Leah stares down at her hands, avoiding eye contact.
She fully expects to be yelled at for bringing this up in front of Bailey even though she was sleeping.
It’s not until he’s above her, having silently crossed the room and climbed onto the bed with his hands bracing on the pillow next to her head and his knees straddling hers that she finally has the courage to look into his eyes.
He kisses her softly.
“Why would you ask me that?”
“Because I know what you want.”
“I want you.”
“No.” She sighs and shakes her head. “You want more and I’m not giving it to you and that’s not fair. And you feel like you have to stay with me.”
“I feel that. I’m with you because I want to be with you. This is stupid. I should have never even mentioned the marriage thing.”
“You should have.” She curls her hand into the front of his t-shirt. “Now I know what you want. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone that could give you exactly that right now instead of waiting and dragging you around like I am?”
“I like waiting. I like being dragged around.”
“I don’t like being the one doing it.”
“So what are you saying? What do you want to do?”
“I want to stop doing that.”
He leans back slightly. “You want to break up?”
“No. Oh my god no. Don’t ever think that. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about things. I’m considering it.”
“Marrying me?”
She nods.
“You’re just starting to consider it now?” He laughs almost bitterly and slides off of her so he’s lying on his side.
“No matter what I say I’m hurting you.”
“I’ve gotten used to it.”
“Jared.” She whines and covers her face with her hands and he pinches her side.
“Hey. I’m kidding. Mostly.”
She frowns then flips to her side to face him and kisses him. “I’m getting there Jared.”
She takes a calming breath when she hears the front door close and Jared’s footsteps coming down the hall. She turns around at the sink to stop him from coming any further into the kitchen.
“You need to go upstairs and talk to her.”
“Why, what happened?”
“She found out about you going on tour and…”
“What?” He interrupts. “How she’d find that out? I thought we said that we wouldn’t tell her yet?”
“I didn’t tell her. You brothers came over to your mother’s house today while we were there and she overheard them
talking about it. She figured it out and she’s been crying ever since. I can’t say anything to make it better. She wants you.”
He sighs. “I’m going to kill those guys.” He turns and takes the stairs two at a time to get to her and that’s when it hits her that she can’t be without him. She feels like he’s been steadily slipping away from her for awhile now. They have good days and bad days and she knows those are supposed to be expected, it’s a normal part of any healthy relationship but she doesn’t want healthy. She wants more than that and she doesn’t want him any further away. There’s only one thing she can do to fix it; only one thing she wants to do.
She braces herself back against the counter when she hears him coming slowly down the stairs and her heart races in her chest. She can hear the rapid beat in her ears.
“She was asleep. Must have cried herself out.”
“Jared.” Her voice is a whisper that he doesn’t hear as he opens the fridge and grabs a beer, twisting off the top in his palm and tossing into the trash.
He takes a long sip and avoids her eyes. “I have to talk to her tomorrow. I’ll figure out what I’m going to say tonight.”
“Jared.” Her voice is louder now and he has to take notice to it.
He nods at her with the bottle. “What?”
She takes a deep breath. “Jared.” Why can’t she say anymore?
“What?” He asks again, annoyance starting to infiltrate his voice, something that never used to be there and she knows that she has to do this now for everyone’s sake. He rolls his eyes and starts to shuffle his feet like he’s ready to walk away.
“I want to marry you.” She blurts out in a desperate attempt to get him to stay in the room, stay with her.
He leans back against the counter on the opposite side of the room from her and studies her face carefully.
“I want this like you want this and I’m ready for this now. We should do this now.” It’s a stupid speech and an even worse proposal and she taps her foot against the tiled floor expectantly. She hates the silence.
“Jared. Come on. Can you say something? It’s been months since you last asked me and I told you I have been thinking about it so can you tell me yes or no or just say a word or something? I am begging you.”
He puts the bottle down on the counter and crosses his arms.
“Jared.”
“You want to marry me?”
“Yes. That’s why I’m saying. I know it didn’t come out the right way and it wasn’t romantic or how you did it but.”
She stops abruptly when he pushes himself from the counter and crosses the distance separating them with only one step, takes her face in his hands and roughly kisses her picking her up and sitting her on the countertop so she can wrap her legs around his waist.
He starts to pull at her clothes and she pulls her mouth away from his and he drops her lips to her neck.
“Are you saying yes?” She breathes out, heavily distracted by his lips and hands and body.
“Obviously.” He mumbles against her skin, making her shiver and he lifts her again and they start towards the stairs and up to their room, officially engaged.
Jared drops an arm around her shoulders as she’s watching Bailey dance with Caleb under the soft lights hanging around the tent. The air is warm and buzzing with the voices of their friends and family. Even Leah’s parents and sister managed to come out and in the sixth hour of the reception are just starting to fully warm up to Jared’s family and are looking like they maybe even having fun.
They got the wedding planned, a beautiful outdoor venue picked and booked, the dress and tuxes bought and fitted, cake ordered, invitations addressed and sent, flowers set and music selected all in four months.
Leah smiles at it all and leans into his body. It was the perfect wedding with the perfect dress and food and music and place and man. It’s exactly what she wanted even though she spent most of her life convincing herself she didn’t want any of it. She wishes she knew back then what she knows now because she could have been feeling all of this a lot sooner.
“How are you doing?” He asks her, his voice just a quiet whisper against the ongoing noise in the tent and she turns to him.
He looks different from when she first saw him today standing at the end of the aisle with his brothers and cousins standing up next to him, off to the side.
He looked so put together then. Every hair put meticulously in place, his tie straight, suit pressed and unwrinkled, shoes shined and face freshly shaved and smoothed.
But now he’s a little disheveled. Messy and sexy as he runs his fingers through his hair and with wrinkles and creases in his suit from hugging and giving hugs and the tops of his shoes are scuffed, she guess from Bailey standing on them as they danced and stubble is just starting to show on his jaw line.
But his tie is still perfect. It looks off against the rest of him and she frowns for the first time the whole day as she curls her fingers around it and tugs softly, bringing his lips to hers for a moment then starts to undo the knot.
“That’s better.” She murmurs as she unbuttons the top button on his white shirt and smoothes down the front of his tie.
“You look beautiful.” He tells her and she tucks her chin into her shoulder. This is what it feels like to be a newlywed.
“You’ve told me that already.”
“Yeah but will you ever get sick of it?”
“Probably not.”
He smiles softly and brushes a lock of her wavy hair off her shoulder. “This is good.”
Her head tips to the side. “This is great.”
“And you feel okay?” His eyes dart quickly down to her stomach and then back up and she places and hand there. There isn’t a bump yet, thank god. The one thing that could’ve caused an issue on her wedding day would have not being able to fit into her dress.
“I feel fine.”
“You sure? You’re not tired?”
“Well, yeah, I’m a little tired.”
“Because I can tell everyone to go, we can go home and you can rest.”
She puts her hands on his shoulders and kisses him again. “I don’t want to go home and rest.” She says with one
eyebrow raised and he nods as he looks to her lips.
“If you insist.”
“Trust me, I do.”
He responds with a lip bite that makes her sigh.
“When are we going to tell people?”
“I think your mom might already no. I had to refuse some champagne earlier and she gave me a weird look.”
“Damn.” He scans the room for his mother and sure enough she’s watching them with interest then turns away when he catches her looking.
“It’s alright. She’s not going to tell anyone and they’ll all know eventually.”
“You wanna tell your mom now?”
She gives him a look. “Not right now.”
“But soon. You’re not going to let her find out on her own like you did with Bailey?”
“I will tell her before I start to show. I promise you.”
“Alright.” He smiles again and looks back out over the crowd. The party is winding down; mostly everyone is sitting down with their shoes off sipping at what is left in their glasses being too late to go back for another round. Bailey and Caleb are the only ones left on the dance floor and she’s pretty much just leaning against his legs. “They should probably get her home though.”
Lily and Caleb agreed to watch Bailey for the night while Leah and Jared spent their first night together as a married man and woman in an upscale hotel in the city.
“Just let her fall asleep here. It’ll be easier that way.”
“Yeah, but…” He trails off when he sees Caleb coming towards them with a sleeping Bailey in his arms.
“She just passed out.” He tells them with a small laugh as he carefully transfers her into Jared arms and as soon as he’s out of ear shot Jared speaks.
“When do we tell her?”
“Oh god. I don’t know. How do you think she’ll take it?”
He shrugs. “I don’t even know.” Bailey shift in his arms. “She’ll be a big sister. She better know she’ll always be my little girl.”
“Oh.” Her hand rests over her heart. “Sometimes I forget how cute you are and then you say things like that and it’s just like, more than I can take.”
He leans over and kisses her then leans his forehead against hers for a moment, breathing in and out in happy unison.
This is her family and it’s getting bigger. They are her everything. It’s getting to the point where she can’t remember a time when he and Bailey weren’t a part of her. And she’s glad that she doesn’t.
Song: Arms- Christina Perri
Word Count: 9,414
“I did something that you might be mad at me for.”
She looks at Bailey who’s sitting in her highchair next to her and stands up so she can create some space. She doesn’t like the feel of this conversation already. “Is that why you’re telling me over the phone?”
“Yes.” He says shortly.
“Oh god. What the hell happened?”
“Well. I’ve kind of been talking to your parents.” He admits and she actually pulls the phone away from her ear and looks at it for a second.
“Umm. What?”
“I’ve been talking to.”
“No.” She cuts him off. “I heard you. Why the hell would you be talking to them?”
“Okay. Before you get angry you should probably know that this isn’t the thing that I thought you would be mad about.”
“So there’s something worse?” She raises her voice drawing attention from Bailey and Leah smiles then turns her back and lowers her voice. “What did you do?”
“I kind of invited them here for Christmas.”
She takes a deep, controlling breath. “Jared.”
“And they said yes.”
“Oh god.” Anger boils up in her. “Hold on.” She puts the phone down and lifts Bailey from her highchair and tells her to go play so that Leah can have some privacy with Jared. When she picks up the phone again she can hear him breathing letting her know that he’s nervous. He has a reason to be. “What. I don’t even know where to begin with you right now.”
“Wherever you want?”
“You’ve been talking to them? What kind of right do you have to talk to them?”
“You can’t tell me who I can and cannot talk to Leah. That’s not fair.”
“But my parents. My parents.”
“You talk to my parents.”
“Totally not the same thing. Not even close to being the same thing. Your parents are actually decent people and mine are just…they are just not good.”
“They’re actually not that bad.”
“Have you forgotten all that shit that my mother said to us?”
“No. But have you forgotten the conversations that you’ve been having with your mother? You said that they’re going
okay.”
“They are but that doesn’t mean I want them here for Christmas. We’re not even close to being a family and that is what Christmas is. It’s family thing.”
“They are family. They should meet Bailey and she should be able to meet her grandparents.”
“She already has grandparents.”
“She has two more that she doesn’t even know about.”
“And I’d like to keep it that way.”
“She’s going to be in school soon and what is she going to think when the other kids start to talk about their family and she can’t because she doesn’t know a whole chunk of hers.”
“Trust me Jared; she could talk about your family for days.”
“They do family trees and shit eventually. She won’t be able to fill one side of it out.”
“She can still fill it out. She just won’t know who they are.”
“And you’re okay with that?”
“I am more than okay with that.”
“Seriously?”
“Yes seriously. I don’t joke about shit like this.”
“Well they said yes.”
“Well then make them not say yes.”
“I can’t do that.”
“Sure you can. You’re best friends with them; you can make them do anything.”
“It’s not like that. I just want Bailey to know her family.”
“I didn’t know half of my grandparents and I was fine.”
“You mean the half that was already dead by the time that you were born?”
She’s shocked by that; the logic of it all and she doesn’t have a comeback. “That is my family you’re talking about. I’d appreciate it if you showed some respect.” She says with so much anger that she cannot be taken seriously and he laughs.
“Your parents coming for Christmas will be good. I promise you.”
“I don’t think I believe that. You can’t put my parents and good in the same sentence Jared, it doesn’t work.”
“Well I think I just did so.”
“So this is going to suck. Christmas ruined. Congratulations.” She’s half joking.
“There’s always next year.”
“I’m sure they’ll be out here next year too. They’re probably going to stay this year for New Years and Valentine’s Day and St. Patrick’s Day and any other menial holiday because you want to see them because they’re your best friends in the whole world. God, why don’t they just move in here?”
He exhales loudly into the phone. “Leah.”
“When are you going to be home?”
“Why?”
“Because I need to figure out how much time I have to change the locks on the door.”
“I hope you’re kidding.”
“I hope I am too. It seems like a lot of work to change the locks.”
“This really won’t be that bad, Leah. I wouldn’t have invited them if I thought this was going to hurt you. Trust me.”
“Ugh. I hate when you say that. If I don’t drop this now I’m going to seem like a bitch.”
“Then just accept it so we can all move on.”
“I don’t like it.”
“I’m sorry. But I’ll be home in ten minutes so if you want to change the locks you better hurry up and call someone.”
“I’m calling someone on the land line as we speak.”
“Alright. I love you.”
“You’re pushing me baby.”
“I know you love me too. See you in eight.”
Leah is visibly stressed out in the car ride over to Jared’s mother’s house on Christmas Eve. Her foot is tapping and her nails are as well against the arm rest and she keeps sighing dramatically and shooting Jared daggers.
He happily ignores her. After listening to her complain for the past month this kind of bitterness just rolls right off of him. It can’t be about her own feelings anymore. It’s Christmas and their daughter is meeting her grandparents for the first time.
He wishes she could focus on that.
He pointedly disregards an especially loud sigh from her by talking to Bailey. “You excited for who you’re going to see tonight?” Jared asks looking into the rear view mirror so he can see her in her car seat.
“Santa?” She answers back and Leah cracks a smile for the first time in what Jared feels like is forever.
“That’s later tonight. You’re going to see your grandparents tonight.”
“I saw them yesterday.”
“You saw my parent’s yesterday. Tonight you’re going to see your mom’s parents…” He trails off when he sees Bailey’s confused and disinterested face and looks quickly to Leah who is cowering in her seat. “You didn’t tell her did you?”
She plays dumb. “Tell her what?”
“That is unbelievable.”
“I didn’t think there was anything to tell.”
“Seriously?”
She nods and he rolls his eyes and directs his attention back to Bailey. “Hun. Tonight you’re going to meet your other grandparents.”
“Why do I have other ones?”
“Because everyone has two pairs. You know my parent’s and now you’re going to meet your mother’s parents.”
Leah rolls her eyes.
“Why do I have to meet them?”
“You don’t.” Leah mumbles and Jared talks over her.
“Because they’re your family.” He ignores another eye roll from Leah.
“Why haven’t I seen them before?”
“Because I’ve been protecting you.” Leah says softly and Jared puts a hand on her knee.
“You know how I’ll show you on that map in your room where mom goes to work?”
“California.” Bailey stumbles over the words but looks proud that she got it out anyways.
“That’s right. That’s where they live. Far away so they didn’t get a chance to come out to see you yet but they’re really looking forward to it.”
“Okay.”
“She’s losing interest Jared. This was a bad idea.”
He squeezes her knee but doesn’t say anything.
Leah spends the first half hour of the Christmas party listening over his family talking and laughing and the sound of Christmas music; someone is playing jingle bells on the guitar while another is playing Silent Night on the piano, for the sound of a car door slam letting her know that he parents have arrived and the Christmas forever will have a storm cloud over her.
Jared tells her to relax but she’s heard him say that to her over and over and the words have lost all meaning to she turns a deaf ear to him and continues to plot her escape from the house.
Betty Ann’s dog barks when he hears a car pull up to the house and Leah’s hand contracts around Jared’s shoulder.
“It’s going to be fine.” Jared tells her and kisses her temple then takes her hand and drags her outside to driveway to greet them. He stands with his arm around her because the thin sweater that she’s wearing isn’t preventing the chill of the air from setting into her skin. He feels bad for rushing her. He should have at least gotten her jacket for her.
Carol Spencer, as usual, looks impeccable. Her charcoal grey dress pants, classic black pea coat, and simple red sweater completed by a gold necklace and black heels make her look like she’s going for a job interview. Something that she’s never had to actually do. She makes Leah in her green sweater with a small hole in the seam on the side and jeans feel underdressed.
Carol smiles when she sees them standing on the steps and Jared immediately steps down to greet her and help her father, Tim, grab bags out of the back of the car. He still has a hold on Leah’s hand and she resists.
So he lets her go. An action that Leah definitely does not like.
Her mother hands Jared a bottle of wine and smiles at him warmly. Leah looks away when she tries to transfer the smile onto her.
“Leah.” Jared calls her name and waves her down. She stays still and he raises his eyebrows and cocks his head to the side. She scowls.
They’ve gotten good at nonverbal communication.
Her mother Leah to go inside first, still smiling and with a gentle hello and then her father who dares to kiss her cheek around an armful of boxes because he likes to keep up the happy, successful family act that he brags to his co-workers about even when they’re not around.
Jared comes up last carrying just as many boxes as her father and tips the top box into her arms.
“Play nice.” He whispers.
“That’ll be a Christmas miracle.” She snaps back as she follows him inside.
Bailey, despite Leah’s not so secret hopes, warms to them quickly. She’s naturally friendly and outgoing, personality traits that she developed on her own because that is neither Jared nor Leah.
The presents probably helped.
Jared and her father lay them all in the middle of the living room and Bailey’s eyes widen.
“I know that we’ve missed a lot of holidays. Christmas’ and birthdays so we thought me might as well make it up to her all in one go.” Carol explains as Betty Ann coaxes her coat from her arms.
“So these are all for her?” Leah’s still skeptical.
“Yes. I hope she likes them.”
Bailey is already circling the gifts like she’s trying to figure out which one to attack first.
“I’m sure she will.” Jared tells Carol with his hand pressed to Leah’s back like he’s urging her to say something nice.
Leah sighs and looks over at her daughter who is already knee deep in wrapping paper. “What do you say Bails?”
Bailey pops her head up. “Thank you.”
Leah smiles tightly at Jared and he pats her back. That was good enough.
Leah’s seeing her mother in a way she’s never seen her. She looks nervous. Maybe a little uncomfortable. Being on the other side of the country and surrounded by Jared’s family has definitely put her out of her element and given Leah the upper hand. Leah loves it. Its power that she’s never experienced before.
“I hope we didn’t spoil her.” Mrs. Spencer says as she looks down at Bailey playing on the floor.
“I think it’s too late for that.” Betty-Ann laughs. She’s doing all she can to keep Leah’s mother comfortable and Leah doesn’t understand why. “We all get her way too much.”
Mrs. Spencer laughs but it still sounds uneasy.
Jared, who’s sitting on the floor next to Bailey and leaning back against the chair that Leah’s in, covers Bailey’s ears.
“There’s talk of a pony.” He whispers.
Bailey came home from school last week and showed Leah a picture of a pony that she drew said “I want this mommy” and stuck it on the fridge. Jared came home, saw it, ran a hand through his hair and said “I guess we’re looking for a horse now. Maybe I should’ve knocked that barn down instead of fixing it.”
“A pony.” Her dad laughs loudly because even though he’s smug and arrogant he can fit in anywhere. He can be the life of the party with a glass of scotch in his hand and a glass of wine next to him. “You always wanted one of those.” He points a finger to Leah.
“And I got one did I?” Her icy tone freezes the room and she feels like a child but shakes it off. She’s allowed to be angry and snippy.
Jared reaches behind him and squeezes her calve. “I’ll get you a pony.”
Leah moves her leg and keeps the frown.
“That might be a good idea.” Mrs. Spencer says. “They like company.”
“We’ll have to think about it.” Leah stands up suddenly.
“Where are you going?” Jared asks, alarmed and ready to get up and follow her; chase her down and keep her in this room with her parents until everyone loves each other and all that shit.
“No where.” She mumbles. “Don’t worry about it.”
She stands at the sink in the kitchen. There are a few dishes and glasses soaking in the water and the mom in her feels
like she needs to clean up but the child that she’s acting like tonight tells her to walk away. Run away.
“Do you want them to leave?”
She flinches when she hears Jared’s voice.
“You’re acting like a child, Leah.”
“So what?” Leah responds, proving his point.
“They’ve been nothing but nice to everyone here. They love Bailey and she seems to love them.”
“They bought her all that stuff. They’re buying her affection.”
“Who cares? So they bought her some toys. This is the first time they’ve ever met her, did you expect them to come here empty handed?”
She skims her fingertips along the top of the murky dishwater and then immediately wipes them on the towel next to the sink. “I don’t know.”
He laughs and the sound infuriates her so when he tries to put his arms around her she pushes away but then gives in when he manages to get a kiss to her cheek.
“I just want to be mad at them.” She presses her back into his chest and talks in a whisper into his neck. “And now I’m mad because they aren’t doing anything to make me mad. It’s complicated.”
“No it’s not. Nothing is ever that complicated. That’s just something that people say when they don’t have anything good to say. Are you going go back in there or are you going to hide out and be a baby in here?”
“Be a baby in here.”
“No.” He pushes her back away from him and towards the door and she twists around and grabs his hand. “It’s not so bad.” He opens the door to the living room and Leah sees that Bailey has abandoned her place on the floor for a spot
across Leah’s father’s lap.
“See. If she doesn’t have a problem with it then you shouldn’t either.”
Leah scowls outwardly but her heart swells on the inside.
At the end of the week Leah has softened her position against her parents quite considerably. They’re not one big happy family yet and they probably never will be but Leah’s not looking for a fight at every turn so it’s a definite start.
She’s not sad to see them leave per se but she knows that Bailey is so that’s why Leah doesn’t do a happy dance as they pack up their things and Jared helps her father haul the bags to the rental car. Bailey trails after them with her arms raised at her sides trying to steady herself on the icy driveway.
“Button your coat, Bailey.” Leah tells her as she stands on the front porch steps, her mother at her side.
“I’m not cold.” She back talks and Leah rolls her eyes.
Her mother chuckles. “Just like you when you were young.”
Leah bites her tongue to stop herself from saying she and I are nothing like you and I.
“Jared seems like a sweet guy.” Mrs. Spencer says softly and Leah looks down the driveway at him, her father, and Bailey.
“He is.”
Jared tells Bailey to button her jacket and she does it with a smile.
“He really loves her.”
“Mmmm. She adores him too. She misses him the most always.” Leah turns towards her mother. “I mean, I know she misses me but when he’s gone it’s just like the world stops turning if he’s not the one to wake her up in the morning.”
Jared looks up and sees them talking and keeps the conversation going with her father so he won’t interrupt them. A gesture that does not go unnoticed by the women.
“He loves you too.”
“Yeah. Well.” Leah scuffs the deck with her foot suddenly feeling like a school girl reacting to her friend telling her that a boy likes her.
“He’d make a good husband.” She hints and Leah stops with the school girl act.
“Ugh. I’m not having this conversation.”
“Why not? What’s the matter with him?”
“There is nothing the matter with him. He’s perfect.”
“Then why won’t you marry him. Hun, I don’t think you’ll do better.”
“I. Am I supposed to be offended by that or something?”
“No. I’m saying that he loves you and you love him, I’m assuming.”
“I do. I love him.”
“Okay. And you have a daughter that you both love so why wouldn’t you?”
“I don’t know.”
“That’s not an answer.”
“I don’t know why. I don’t know if I buy into the whole ‘marriage’ thing anyways.”
“What is there to buy into?”
“The whole thing. I don’t think I see the point. It’s a lot of work for what? A ring and lot money spent and some pictures that sit on shelves. We’re happy with the way that things are.”
”You sure about that?”
“Yes mother.” Leah says with a tone of finality to her voice and she shoots a look at Jared telling him that it’s time to wrap
it up.
Jared slams the trunk of the car and after Bailey hugs her father and Jared shakes his hand he ducks into the car and they head back up the driveway.
“Just think about it.” Her mother says softly and Jared and Bailey are too close for Leah to snap at her so she just nods
her head.
Jared clears his throat in order to break into the conversation. “Bailey’s birthday is in April. Maybe you two could come
back out here for that. Or we could go to you?”
Leah only smiles because she’s so tired of frowning. But she’s not too tired to not speak to him for the rest of the night.
When Bailey turns five she starts kindergarten. And as a result Jared and Leah are introduced to Marissa Colebrook.
Leah meets her first and she wishes she never did. Marissa is the mother of one of the girls in Bailey’s class and as far as Marissa is concerned she owns the school. She’s the leader or founder or chair women of every club or association.
She thinks she’s perfect. She’s always dressed like she’s going to a party or a boardroom meeting. She’s plastic. She reminds Leah of her mother. Maybe that’s the route of Leah’s distaste.
Or maybe it’s that no matter what Leah does; Marissa constantly looks down on her. Like nothing is ever good enough, like she’s jealous.
Leah has heard rumors. Bailey has a lot of friends which come with play dates which comes with Leah making small talk with the friend’s mothers. She’s heard that they have heard Marissa saying things about how Leah leaves Bailey to go to California a lot (which isn’t true. Leah will spend maybe two weeks out of the whole year away from Bailey) and how young she is, how she and Jared weren’t even serious in the beginning and that Bailey was unplanned and that Jared is away a lot and what could be doing on tour and what he is doing on tour, and some choice words about unwed mothers that make Leah’s blood boil and conversations she’s had about their relationship and why they aren’t married yet. That just makes Leah want to laugh. Marissa is divorced. What does she know about nurturing a successful relationship?
She was only a thorn in Leah’s side until Jared meets her at a school play the kids are putting on and Leah is standing on the other side of the room watching Marissa laugh at something that he’s said and her hand lays on his arm. In that moment she’s no longer a thorn; she’s the enemy.
Leah battles her own feelings of jealousy all throughout the play only stopping to focus on Bailey’s small part and then its right back to it.
Marissa Colebrook touched him. A harmless touch but still. The woman has talked about them, about him in detail and what could be happening when he’s on tour. For the first time Leah considers it.
He calls her all the time while he’s on tour but what about all the times he doesn’t? What is he doing in a strange hotel room while she lies alone in their bed?
But she immediately hates herself for thinking that. She hates Marissa even more for making her think that way. She stares at Marissa through narrowed eyes as she stands to the left of the stage because naturally she had to be the director.
Then she feels Jared’s hand on hers.
“You okay?” His hand is over the program that she’s holding now as wrinkled and torn as her nerves. She was
supposed to save it to add to Bailey’s baby book. “Don’t worry. I can get you another.”
‘From Marissa?’ She thinks but she just smiles and holds his hand.
She tries to forget about it, to shake the whole incident off. It’s stupid to even call it an incident. He talked to her and he’s charming and funny so she laughed and that should be it. Leah should be able to separate that moment from everything else but the visual of Marissa’s hand on his arm makes her skin crawl. It’s uncalled for and haunting.
After they put Bailey to bed Jared stands in front of the mirror in their room coaxing his contacts out of his eyes.
Leah has to say something or else she won’t be able to sleep tonight. She has to ease her way into it.
“I was talking to Bailey and apparently there’s this boy named Scott.”
Jared frowns. “Uh oh.”
“She said she wants him to be her boyfriend.”
“Ugh. We’re changing schools.”
Leah laughs. “I think it’s cute.”
“It’s not cute. She’s never getting a boyfriend. Boys are bad.”
“Not all boys are bad.”
He winks at her in the mirror. “I’m the exception.”
“I wasn’t talking about you.”
“I would be offended but I did get you pregnant so….oh god.”
“What?”
“I’m just thinking that what if what happened with us happens with Bailey? I’ll fucking kill that guy.”
“Jared.”
“No, I’m serious. I can’t even….”
“What if he loves her?”
“I don’t care. There are some things you don’t do. She’s waiting until she’s married.”
“Oh my god, you are such a hypocrite.”
He closes his contact case and turns around with a shrug. He’s trying not to be. He’s trying to marry her and turn their
moral compass for the sake of their daughter. She’s the one not letting him.
“Anyways.” There’s an awkward beat of silence before Leah clears her throat and forges on with another topic. “What if
Bailey becomes an actress?”
“What are you basing that on?”
“Tonight.”
“Oh, you mean her one line?”
“She delivered it very well.”
“Sure she did.” He mumbles as leans over onto the bed and places a kiss to her shoulder and his hands trail from her hip to her side and all she can think is this is not the time for that.
“I thought they all did.” Truth is she has no idea about how the rest of the play went. She was too busy trying to plot out what Marissa was doing. “Maybe it had something to do with the direction.”
“They’re five.” He kisses her mouth and she kisses him back as a natural reaction. “You can’t really direct them. You just put them out there and hope for the best.”
That’s her in.
“Is that what Marissa told you?”
His lips and hands stop moving at the mention of another women’s name. “Who?”
“Marissa Colebrook. She was the director of the play. You were talking to her tonight.”
“I don’t know who that is.” He shakes his head and slips his hands under her shirt.
“You were talking to her. You know, she’s tallish and has brown hair.”
“That’s you. I was talking to you.”
“No.” She pushes his chest but he’s not discouraged as he works her shirt up her body. Why can’t he just work with her first? “You talked to her before the play?”
“Okay. So what?”
“I don’t know. What did you think about her?”
“What?”
“I just want to know what you thought of her. She was kind of annoying right?”
“I don’t know. We didn’t talk for that long.”
“But you can always tell when people are annoying.”
He sighs an annoyed huff and she knows she has to keep his attention and stop him from rolling over and falling asleep so she lifts her shoulders off the bed and peels her shirt over her head and drops it to the floor next to the bed. He gratefully touches the newly exposed skin.
“I think she’s divorced.”
“Huh.” He’s way more interested in her body.
“She didn’t talk to you about that?”
“Why would she talk to me about that?”
Why would she not talk to you about that? Casually mention that she’s single while she squeezes his arm and tips her head to the side and flirts. “I don’t know. She’s a talker she wants to make sure everyone knows everything about her. I didn’t see a ring on her finger.”
He glances up to meet her eyes. “You don’t have a ring and you’re not divorced.”
Ouch. She arches her back to push herself closer to him hoping that will make it up to him.
“It just looked like you guys were talking is all.”
“Why do you care? And why are you trying to get me to think about another woman while I am actively trying to have sex
with you?”
Because I want to know what the woman that has me doubting everything about you was saying to you.
“I don’t know. We just don’t really get along and I was curious.”
“If you really want to know she said that Bailey was a sweet kid and that her kid and Bailey should get together for a play
date sometime.”
“That’s it?”
“Yeah. Can we drop it now?”
No. Why did she laugh and touch you and what do you do on tour?
“Consider it dropped.” She says as cups his face in his hands and pulls him down to kiss her.
She might drop it with him but it’s still at the forefront of her mind. Whenever she sees Marissa at school she looks at her through narrowed eyes and Marissa stares back. Leah is forced to run interference between her and Jared. There’s no way she’s leaving him alone with her.
But the idea eats away at her. She becomes preoccupied with it. She’s starting to get paranoid. She over thinks every nice thing that he does as some kind of cover up because of something that he did while they weren’t together.
There’s a change in him as well. He’s distant. Like there’s something else on his mind that he’s paying attention too. He’s always there for Bailey but he’s short with Leah. Offering one word answers to questions that he used to talk on and on about. All of that only adds to her growing suspicions and doubts.
All of the issues come to a head on the night of Bailey’s sixth birthday party.
It’s the family party, thank god because she can’t imagine this happening with twenty screaming six year olds running
through the house hopped up on sugar.
Leah noticed that Jared was especially off tonight. He hasn’t said a word to her all day, nothing good or bad but he’s kept up a good appearance around his family and Bailey. On the outside everything looks great with him but Leah can tell that under the surface something awful is simmering.
He disappears out the back door after Bailey blows out the candles on the cake and doesn’t come back. After serving everyone like a good hostess, one that doesn’t have a relationship very slowly falling apart, she heads out the back door with a plate of cake and a fork in her hand.
When the screen door opens he turns around to see who it is and drops his hand with the lit cigarette in it down to the porch and thinks about stubbing it out but then decides that he doesn’t care.
She sighs audibly. She hasn’t seen him smoke in years. She thought that was long ago dropped, totally in the past. She’s not disappointed; she’s just concerned.
Leah lowers herself onto the steps next to him so that their shoulders and knees are touching and he takes a slow drag of the cigarette and turns his head to exhale away from her.
“I got you some cake.” She pushes the plate towards him and he reluctantly takes it. “You disappeared after we started to cut it.”
“I just needed some air.” He takes another deep breath with the cigarette stuck between his lips and she frowns.
“What’s the matter Jared?”
“It’s nothing.” He smiles but it’s incredibly and obviously false and forced and he takes another quick drag then stubs the cigarette out against the deck and holds the cake plate with one hand and the plastic fork with the other but he doesn’t cut into it.
“Are you sure? Because you’ve never left her birthday party before? You barely even leave her side during them.”
“I was there for all the parts that count. I don’t think she’ll miss me that much.”
There’s a slight slur to his voice and she knows that something is really wrong. He never drinks near Bailey.
“Jared.”
“What?” He snaps and pokes at the cake.
“What’s going on? You’re losing it.”
“I am not.”
“You’re drunk.”
“This.” He shakes his head. “This is nothing compared to how I used to get. It’s nothing.”
“It’s something. What’s going on?” She’s getting sick of asking the same question over and over and not getting a
different result. It’s a loose definition of insanity. “Are you mad at me? Did I do something?”
“Nope. You didn’t do anything.”
“So obviously you’re mad at me.”
“I’m not mad Leah. I’m tired. I’m so fucking tired.”
“What happened? Tell me what I did.”
“I told you that you didn’t do anything now let’s go back inside before anyone notices we’re gone and it becomes a thing.” He starts to stand but she grabs his arm and pulls him back down.
“No. You’re going to talk to me because we are not going back in there while we’re fighting because that will be a thing.
Now what the hell did I do?”
He settles back down onto the steps and leans against the railing.
“Bailey asked me why we weren’t married last week.”
“Oh. What did you tell her?”
“Nothing. I changed the subject. What did you want me to say?”
“I don’t know. The truth.”
“I thought about it but I didn’t want to paint you in a bad light, y’know.”
“No, I don’t know.”
“It’s you, Leah. You’re the reason why we’re not married.” He says hotly and she knows this is verging on dangerous territory but she can’t stop it. “It’s all you.”
“I.” She can’t believe that this is happening. They haven’t talked about marriage in so long. She thought it went the way of the smoking. “I don’t know what to say.”
“Why won’t you marry me? Say that, tell me that because it’s driving me crazy. I’ve been through every options and I can’t figure it out.”
“I’m not ready.” She replies lamely.
“Ugh, I am so sick of that excuse. What the fuck does that even mean anyways? Do you even know or is it just something that you say to shut me up?”
“Jared.”
“Because I thought that it had something to do with your parents so I fixed that.”
“Is that why you did that? So I would rethink marrying you? That was a little selfish.”
“Yeah, it was really selfish of me to try and make you happy. What an ass I am. That’s all I ever try and do and I ask you to do one thing for me.”
“You’re asking me to marry you, it’s a big deal.”
“It is not that big of a deal.” His voice rises rapidly. “It’s a ring and a dress and some flowers and ‘I do’ for fucks sake Leah, that’s all it is.”
“Then why do you want it so bad if that’s all it is?”
“Because I do. Alright? I just want to marry you and what the hell is wrong with you?” He snaps. “What kind of.” He stops suddenly and huffs out a deep breath trying to control his frustration and anger. “Forget this Leah, please. We have to stop because I’m pissed off and yeah, I’m a little drunk and I’m about to say something’s that I’m really going to regret so let’s go inside and forget the whole thing.”
“I don’t want you to go back in there angry. Let’s get it all out in the open you can’t hold it in like this, it’s not healthy.”
“This conversation is not healthy and I’m begging you to end it here.”
“I want to hear it. Get mad at me.”
He lowers his voice when he hears someone laughing inside. If he can hear them they can hear him. “I already am mad
at you. I’m starting to get anxious.”
“For what?” Then she clings onto something really stupid. “Is that what you talk to Marissa about?” She says her name like it’s a swear.
“Who the hell is that?”
“It’s that stupid mom at Bailey’s school that flirts with you all the time.”
“I don’t even know.” He stops and remembers the conversation that they had in bed a few weeks ago. “Are you seriously
still thinking about that? I don’t even know who that woman is, I can’t even picture her. That was the first and probably the
last time I will ever even speak to her.”
“She seemed really into you.”
“So what? I don’t care what she thinks or what she’s into. I haven’t done anything to hurt you ever, I have always been
here for the both of you and I’m not going anywhere. I am in love with you and I want to marry you and what the hell is wrong with you? I am asking you to marry me over and over again. A normal girl would’ve said yes the first time, a normal girl would want this.”
“I’m sorry I’m not a normal girl.”
He sighs. “What did I do to you? Why won’t you marry me? The only thing I can think of is that you don’t love me.”
She gasps at his explanation. “That’s not true.”
“I don’t know. I keep coming back to you not loving me as much as you say you love me.”
“No, Jared no.” She’s too flustered to really defend herself. “I love you.”
He shrugs like he’s tired of this. “I don’t know Leah.”
“How can you not know?” Anger swells up in her. “I love you so much. I’ve said it; you’ve heard it.”
“I need to have more than just hearing it.”
“What more do you need?”
“For you to fucking marry me. For fucks sake Leah this is what this whole stupid thing is about. Where the fuck have you been?”
Before she can answer they’re interrupted by the slamming of the screen door.
“Hey.” His mother steps out onto the porch and Jared and Leah look down at their feet because they both know they’re about to get yelled at. “Y’all have a daughter in there that refuses to open her presents until her mommy and daddy are in there next to her so I suggest that whatever it is that you two have going on back here you drop it now and get back inside.”
“Yes m’am.”
“We were just coming in Mom.”
Betty-Ann looks them over for a moment then goes back inside closing the door with a soft thud this time instead of a slam.
Jared finally raises his eyes to her. “You heard her.” He says coldly. “Let’s go.”
He turns around but she grabs his arm.
“Wait. You know I love you, right? You know that?”
He stares right through her then rolls his eyes and pulls his arm away without saying a word.
She doesn’t feel like she’s breathing for the rest of the party. As she watches him walk inside and swing a giggling
Bailey onto his lap everything inside her burns. Her lungs, her brain, her heart; it’s all pulsing and pounding and fighting with her voice that’s trying to say that she loves him over and over again in front of all these people so that maybe he’ll believe it. Like professing it like that would be just as good as marriage.
She manages to keep quiet except for a few encouraging and excited remarks sent to Bailey as she opens her gifts. Leah keeps a smile on her face, plastered onto her lips because both of them have to keep a brave face on. They have to cover up their argument for Bailey’s sake. She doesn’t need to ever know that her parents are fighting.
Thankfully the party ends when Bailey falls asleep against Jared’s chest and while he goes upstairs to put her to bed Leah stays downstairs and cleans up. If things were decent between them he’d come back down and help her but since they’re (he’s) mad she doesn’t see him until she goes upstairs.
He’s already in bed, lying on his side so she can’t see his face and the covers pulled up to his chin. She sighs as she enters the room and wordlessly slips into the bathroom to take a shower and change. When she’s done and pulls back the covers of the bed and lies down on the edge so there’s a big gap between them. He doesn’t seem to think that’s enough distance between them because she feels the bed shift as he moves over still. He has to be halfway hanging off the mattress.
“Okay.” Her whisper echoes off the walls and comes back at her, rattling in her ears.
She doesn’t feel him move or hear him react so she reaches over and digs her elbow into this spine. He groans.
“I said okay.”
“Okay to what?” His voice is still cold and distant.
“Okay to marrying you. I’m accepting.”
He’s silent for a moment before he laughs without feeling. “No.”
“What? I thought this was what you wanted?”
He finally rolls over onto his back but doesn’t get any closer to her. “I want you to marry me because you want to.”
“I do want to.”
“No. You’re doing this because we’re mad at each other and you think it’ll fix it. That’s not what I’m looking for. I don’t want
to marry you because you think it’s going to make me happy. You have to be happy with it too. Give it a few months. I
promise you’ll change your mind.”
“I won’t. I want this now.”
He shakes his head. “A few months from now you can tell me how you feel.”
“So you’re going to be mad at me for the next few months?”
He sighs. “No. I’m not going to be mad. Let’s forget about tonight.” He picks himself up and crosses the distance to her and puts his arms over her waist and drags her closer so that her hip is pressed against his. “Forget it. I shouldn’t have jumped on you like that but I was frustrated and mad and I guess thrown off guard from Bailey asking me that and I didn’t have a good answer for her. I’m sorry.”
“I thought everything was okay. I didn’t even think that you thought about marriage anymore.”
“Honestly, I think about it all the time. But I don’t have to. It’s just a piece of paper right?”
It feels like her heart breaks. Like she’s losing the romantic side of him. She wants to hold onto it.
“But it’s important to you.”
She feels him shrug. “There are more important things, Leah.” He presses a kiss to her shoulder.
“In two months I’m going to tell you that I want to marry you again and this time you better accept.”
He laughs into her skin and she hopes that he’ll be able to hold on.
A few weeks later Bailey is lying in between them on their bed.
He’s reading Charlotte’s Web to her very slowly because he never wants to get to the part where Charlotte dies. The one
hundred and ninety two page book has already taken him two weeks and he’s not even close to being done.
Leah gently brushes her foot against his leg to get his attention.
“She’s sleeping.” She whispers and Jared softly closes the book and sets it down on the night stand.
“Thank god. I think I read faster than usual tonight.” He drapes his arm over the back of the pillow and pushes a strand of hair behind Leah’s ear.
“You know you’re going to have to finish this book eventually.”
“Nope. Not if I can help it. Why does she have to die?”
Leah laughs softly. “It teaches kids the cycle of life and how life is precious and it’s good to do good for others or something like that. It’s been awhile since I’ve read it.”
“It’s terrible. I can’t believe this is a children’s book.”
“What if she hands you Old Yeller to read?”
“Oh god. I’m burning every copy of that book I can find.”
She smirks then takes a deep breath and then it just spills out of her. “Do you regret this?”
His eyes widen and then narrow. “What are you talking about?”
She immediately wishes she didn’t bring this up. She’s not ready for this. Ever.
“I was just wondering if you ever regret this. If you could have done all of this differently would you have? Without me.”
His face sets in a hard expression and he shakes his head. “Hold on.” He says in a flat tone and swings his legs over the side of the bed and lifts Bailey into his arms and carries her out of the room.
When he comes back he stands in the doorway for a moment and Leah stares down at her hands, avoiding eye contact.
She fully expects to be yelled at for bringing this up in front of Bailey even though she was sleeping.
It’s not until he’s above her, having silently crossed the room and climbed onto the bed with his hands bracing on the pillow next to her head and his knees straddling hers that she finally has the courage to look into his eyes.
He kisses her softly.
“Why would you ask me that?”
“Because I know what you want.”
“I want you.”
“No.” She sighs and shakes her head. “You want more and I’m not giving it to you and that’s not fair. And you feel like you have to stay with me.”
“I feel that. I’m with you because I want to be with you. This is stupid. I should have never even mentioned the marriage thing.”
“You should have.” She curls her hand into the front of his t-shirt. “Now I know what you want. Wouldn’t you rather be with someone that could give you exactly that right now instead of waiting and dragging you around like I am?”
“I like waiting. I like being dragged around.”
“I don’t like being the one doing it.”
“So what are you saying? What do you want to do?”
“I want to stop doing that.”
He leans back slightly. “You want to break up?”
“No. Oh my god no. Don’t ever think that. I just want you to know that I’m thinking about things. I’m considering it.”
“Marrying me?”
She nods.
“You’re just starting to consider it now?” He laughs almost bitterly and slides off of her so he’s lying on his side.
“No matter what I say I’m hurting you.”
“I’ve gotten used to it.”
“Jared.” She whines and covers her face with her hands and he pinches her side.
“Hey. I’m kidding. Mostly.”
She frowns then flips to her side to face him and kisses him. “I’m getting there Jared.”
She takes a calming breath when she hears the front door close and Jared’s footsteps coming down the hall. She turns around at the sink to stop him from coming any further into the kitchen.
“You need to go upstairs and talk to her.”
“Why, what happened?”
“She found out about you going on tour and…”
“What?” He interrupts. “How she’d find that out? I thought we said that we wouldn’t tell her yet?”
“I didn’t tell her. You brothers came over to your mother’s house today while we were there and she overheard them
talking about it. She figured it out and she’s been crying ever since. I can’t say anything to make it better. She wants you.”
He sighs. “I’m going to kill those guys.” He turns and takes the stairs two at a time to get to her and that’s when it hits her that she can’t be without him. She feels like he’s been steadily slipping away from her for awhile now. They have good days and bad days and she knows those are supposed to be expected, it’s a normal part of any healthy relationship but she doesn’t want healthy. She wants more than that and she doesn’t want him any further away. There’s only one thing she can do to fix it; only one thing she wants to do.
She braces herself back against the counter when she hears him coming slowly down the stairs and her heart races in her chest. She can hear the rapid beat in her ears.
“She was asleep. Must have cried herself out.”
“Jared.” Her voice is a whisper that he doesn’t hear as he opens the fridge and grabs a beer, twisting off the top in his palm and tossing into the trash.
He takes a long sip and avoids her eyes. “I have to talk to her tomorrow. I’ll figure out what I’m going to say tonight.”
“Jared.” Her voice is louder now and he has to take notice to it.
He nods at her with the bottle. “What?”
She takes a deep breath. “Jared.” Why can’t she say anymore?
“What?” He asks again, annoyance starting to infiltrate his voice, something that never used to be there and she knows that she has to do this now for everyone’s sake. He rolls his eyes and starts to shuffle his feet like he’s ready to walk away.
“I want to marry you.” She blurts out in a desperate attempt to get him to stay in the room, stay with her.
He leans back against the counter on the opposite side of the room from her and studies her face carefully.
“I want this like you want this and I’m ready for this now. We should do this now.” It’s a stupid speech and an even worse proposal and she taps her foot against the tiled floor expectantly. She hates the silence.
“Jared. Come on. Can you say something? It’s been months since you last asked me and I told you I have been thinking about it so can you tell me yes or no or just say a word or something? I am begging you.”
He puts the bottle down on the counter and crosses his arms.
“Jared.”
“You want to marry me?”
“Yes. That’s why I’m saying. I know it didn’t come out the right way and it wasn’t romantic or how you did it but.”
She stops abruptly when he pushes himself from the counter and crosses the distance separating them with only one step, takes her face in his hands and roughly kisses her picking her up and sitting her on the countertop so she can wrap her legs around his waist.
He starts to pull at her clothes and she pulls her mouth away from his and he drops her lips to her neck.
“Are you saying yes?” She breathes out, heavily distracted by his lips and hands and body.
“Obviously.” He mumbles against her skin, making her shiver and he lifts her again and they start towards the stairs and up to their room, officially engaged.
Jared drops an arm around her shoulders as she’s watching Bailey dance with Caleb under the soft lights hanging around the tent. The air is warm and buzzing with the voices of their friends and family. Even Leah’s parents and sister managed to come out and in the sixth hour of the reception are just starting to fully warm up to Jared’s family and are looking like they maybe even having fun.
They got the wedding planned, a beautiful outdoor venue picked and booked, the dress and tuxes bought and fitted, cake ordered, invitations addressed and sent, flowers set and music selected all in four months.
Leah smiles at it all and leans into his body. It was the perfect wedding with the perfect dress and food and music and place and man. It’s exactly what she wanted even though she spent most of her life convincing herself she didn’t want any of it. She wishes she knew back then what she knows now because she could have been feeling all of this a lot sooner.
“How are you doing?” He asks her, his voice just a quiet whisper against the ongoing noise in the tent and she turns to him.
He looks different from when she first saw him today standing at the end of the aisle with his brothers and cousins standing up next to him, off to the side.
He looked so put together then. Every hair put meticulously in place, his tie straight, suit pressed and unwrinkled, shoes shined and face freshly shaved and smoothed.
But now he’s a little disheveled. Messy and sexy as he runs his fingers through his hair and with wrinkles and creases in his suit from hugging and giving hugs and the tops of his shoes are scuffed, she guess from Bailey standing on them as they danced and stubble is just starting to show on his jaw line.
But his tie is still perfect. It looks off against the rest of him and she frowns for the first time the whole day as she curls her fingers around it and tugs softly, bringing his lips to hers for a moment then starts to undo the knot.
“That’s better.” She murmurs as she unbuttons the top button on his white shirt and smoothes down the front of his tie.
“You look beautiful.” He tells her and she tucks her chin into her shoulder. This is what it feels like to be a newlywed.
“You’ve told me that already.”
“Yeah but will you ever get sick of it?”
“Probably not.”
He smiles softly and brushes a lock of her wavy hair off her shoulder. “This is good.”
Her head tips to the side. “This is great.”
“And you feel okay?” His eyes dart quickly down to her stomach and then back up and she places and hand there. There isn’t a bump yet, thank god. The one thing that could’ve caused an issue on her wedding day would have not being able to fit into her dress.
“I feel fine.”
“You sure? You’re not tired?”
“Well, yeah, I’m a little tired.”
“Because I can tell everyone to go, we can go home and you can rest.”
She puts her hands on his shoulders and kisses him again. “I don’t want to go home and rest.” She says with one
eyebrow raised and he nods as he looks to her lips.
“If you insist.”
“Trust me, I do.”
He responds with a lip bite that makes her sigh.
“When are we going to tell people?”
“I think your mom might already no. I had to refuse some champagne earlier and she gave me a weird look.”
“Damn.” He scans the room for his mother and sure enough she’s watching them with interest then turns away when he catches her looking.
“It’s alright. She’s not going to tell anyone and they’ll all know eventually.”
“You wanna tell your mom now?”
She gives him a look. “Not right now.”
“But soon. You’re not going to let her find out on her own like you did with Bailey?”
“I will tell her before I start to show. I promise you.”
“Alright.” He smiles again and looks back out over the crowd. The party is winding down; mostly everyone is sitting down with their shoes off sipping at what is left in their glasses being too late to go back for another round. Bailey and Caleb are the only ones left on the dance floor and she’s pretty much just leaning against his legs. “They should probably get her home though.”
Lily and Caleb agreed to watch Bailey for the night while Leah and Jared spent their first night together as a married man and woman in an upscale hotel in the city.
“Just let her fall asleep here. It’ll be easier that way.”
“Yeah, but…” He trails off when he sees Caleb coming towards them with a sleeping Bailey in his arms.
“She just passed out.” He tells them with a small laugh as he carefully transfers her into Jared arms and as soon as he’s out of ear shot Jared speaks.
“When do we tell her?”
“Oh god. I don’t know. How do you think she’ll take it?”
He shrugs. “I don’t even know.” Bailey shift in his arms. “She’ll be a big sister. She better know she’ll always be my little girl.”
“Oh.” Her hand rests over her heart. “Sometimes I forget how cute you are and then you say things like that and it’s just like, more than I can take.”
He leans over and kisses her then leans his forehead against hers for a moment, breathing in and out in happy unison.
This is her family and it’s getting bigger. They are her everything. It’s getting to the point where she can’t remember a time when he and Bailey weren’t a part of her. And she’s glad that she doesn’t.