Til You Put Your Arms Around Me, You Put Your Arms Around Me And I'm Home
Chatepr: 8/8 Part One
Song: Arms- Christina Perri
Word Count: 7,308
Finally chapter. It's over 16,000 words altogether and long enough that LJ made me cut it in two.
"Alright.” He pushes himself up from the bed throwing the covers back over Leah. “That’s enough.”
She raises her head from the pillow. “What are you going to do?”
They’ve been home from the hospital for a week and neither of them has slept. Bailey has been crying for what seems like the past one hundred and sixty eight hours. It’s starting to take a toll.
He pulls on his jeans and then his shoes. “I’m going to put her in her car seat and we’re going to drive around the block a few hundred times. The car puts her right out and I can’t listen to this anymore. I’m going to go crazy. I have to do something.”
“Alright.” She starts to get up but he leans over the bed and grasps her wrist.
“You should go back to bed, Leah. There’s no point of both of us being up.”
“I don’t feel right about sleeping while you’re out there driving. I should go with you and help; keep talking to you so you don’t fall asleep.”
He lets her go and doesn’t argue. He would never make her come with him but he’d also never turn her down.
Bailey stops crying as soon as the car starts moving and Leah’s head rests against the window. A part of her regrets pushing to come with him because she could really use the sleep. Her eyes slide shut on their own and she has to force them open.
“Tell me something.”
“You’re supposed to be keeping me awake.” He jokes. “Not the other way around.”
“I’m so tired, Jared.”
He laughs and she doesn’t get where he gets the energy to do that from. “I know, I know. Have you thought about work at all?”
That wakes her up. “Work?”
“Yeah. Like, acting again. I’m not meaning anything by this, I’m just wondering if you had any plans to get back to L.A or anything.”
“I haven’t thought about anything.”
“Because you can you know. If you wanted to go and work some. I’d be okay with that.”
“I think Bailey is a little young for that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I didn’t mean like, next week or anything but if you wanted to go sometime in the coming months or whatever.
Whenever you’re ready.”
“Okay.” She says slowly.
“I just wanted you to know that you can do both. You can have a career and a baby.”
Leah chuckles. Her energy restored by his words. “Okay, thanks for telling me Oprah.”
“Hey, I’m just saying.”
“What is the real reason for bringing this up?”
He shakes his head and tries to look innocent and then exhales and flicks his eyes towards her then back to the road.
“The guys have been talking about another tour.” He admits.
“Another one? You just got back from one.”
“It wouldn’t be until next year and probably not until late next year but if you don’t want me to go then I don’t have to. They can deal with not going and it’ll be fine.”
“You should go. A year and a half from now, we’ll be okay. I can’t hold you back. You can have it all too you know.” She
pushes his side gently.
“It’s still a long way from now. Things could change.”
“But it’s okay if they don’t. Musicians have babies all the time and they make it work. You just have one. No excuse for not going.” They both laugh. “I’ll read some scripts if you want me to. My manager wants me to. She’s been sending me some like, once a week. I think she’s afraid that people will forget about me.”
“That’s never going to happen.” He says just softly enough to make her blush.
“So.” She takes a breath to changes the subject and brings up what she needs to bring up. “I got a call from my mom the other day.”
His hands tighten on the steering wheel and his shoulders tense. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Just called up out of the blue and asked me how I was doing and how Bailey was.”
“Really? How did it go?” He’s trying to act innocent and he knows it’s not working.
“It was fine. It was real civil and calm. No yelling or accusation. She seems nice. Different.”
He relaxes a little bit. It wasn’t a disaster. It didn’t make her cry or anything. “That’s good.” He dares to smile but when he
looks over at her she’s frowning at him and looking at him through narrowed eyes.
“Yeah and then she asked me if I was still with the guy that left the long, rambling message on their machine.”
Jared winces. “And what did you say?”
“I said yes.”
“Well that’s good news for him.” He says sheepishly.
She crosses her arms. “Jared.”
“I’m sorry okay? I thought that it’s what you really wanted. I thought I was fixing something.”
“After I specifically told you to stay out of it?”
“I don’t know what to do. It seemed like something….I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I wanted to help you and you said that it went well so you can’t be that mad.”
“You went behind my back. When did you even do it, we’ve been together every second or every day.”
“That first night that you were at the hospital. You were sleeping and I snuck out.”
She scoffs. “Oh god, Jared. That is really low.”
He groans. “I just wanted to help you.”
She leans back into the seat with her head pressed back against the headrest.
“Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just; I don’t know what I am.”
“I wanted to help you.”
“I know you did.”
“And it went okay.” He grabs her hand and gives it a squeeze. “Can’t you see that this could be a good thing?”
“I see it but I don’t want to.”
“Well. Maybe someday you will. Maybe we could go out there for Christmas or they could come here or something.”
“I’m really not seeing that.”
He slows the car to a stop at a red light and stares up at it. “I just want you to be happy.”
Her heart clenches and her breath catches in her throat and she pushes herself out of the seat and takes his jaw in her hand and turns his face to hers so she can kiss him.
“I am happy.” She whispers when she breaks away; her forehead still resting against his. “I love you.” It slips out and she sucks in a breath. Now would be the time to take it back but she can’t and doesn’t want to and she smiles into another
kiss to punctuate her confession. “I love you.”
“I knew it.”
She pulls back from him. “That’s all you have to say?”
“I. No.” But he doesn’t say anything else. Just cups his hand to the back of her head and crashes their lips together.
The light goes through three cycles; red to green to yellow and back to red before they break apart.
They kiss freely now. There are no awkward moments or wondering if this is what the other wants because it definitely is.
They’re a real couple now. Young and dumb and in love trying to do what’s best for their newly formed family.
“I want to take you on a date.” He whispers to her in bed one night. Bailey’s six months old and Jared and Leah are both long overdue for a break.
“We go out all the time.” She says sleepily, sighing against her pillow as she turns her head to look at him.
“We go out with Bailey all the time. You and I haven’t been alone in months.” He moves his hand under her shirt and up her side and her eyes widen. They do need to be alone. Attempts have been made of course, but every time it’s been interrupted by Bailey crying or Leah saying that she’s way too tired and Jared understands but he can only go for so long.
“Where would we go?”
“Out.” He draws a circle on her hip with his fingertip. “We can go get dinner somewhere nice and we won’t be interrupted and then…” He trails off, letting the rest of the night unravel in his own mind.
“Who would watch Bailey?”
“Some old hobo.”
She laughs and he squeezes her waist.
“We’ll get a babysitter. People do it all the time. I’m sure Jessie would love to do it. She and Nathan will come over, Bailey loves them.”
“Yeah. She should be okay with them.”
“She’ll be great with them. Then you can relax and be really, really great with me.”
Leah giggles. “I’ve missed that.”
“That is an understatement for the way that I’m feeling.” He pulls his body against hers so he’s leaning over her and
kisses the curve of her shoulder. “Let’s go out tomorrow.”
“That soon?” She tips her head to the side so he can keep kissing up to her neck to her jaw.
“It’s been over a year.” He mumbles as she arches her back so he can removes her shirt in one swift motion.
“Can’t we go now?” She has to moan as his hands skim along her stomach and chest and she pushes her fingers into his hair.
“Mmmhmm.” He hums against her lips and she slips one hand from his hair down to his jaw and chest and finally
working its way under his shirt, roaming across his chest and they both tense. This is as far as they’ve gotten.
Something has always happened, usually Bailey crying, to make them stop.
And then, right on cue, the baby monitor on the nightstand comes to life and Bailey’s crying fills the room.
“Dammit.” Jared drops his forehead to her chest, just over her heart and breathes out heavily. “Just…” His frustration
makes the words stick in his head. “Can she cry that out?”
Leah glances at the digital clock next to the bed and shakes her head. “She probably needs something. She’s been
asleep for awhile. One of us should check on her.”
He groans but climbs off of her. “I’ll go. I’m more dressed.”
“Unfortunately.” She sighs and he comes back and drops a kiss to her lips.
“Tomorrow.”
“When you get back? I’m not going anywhere.” She says with a slow smile and he kisses her again with an “I’ll be right back” pressed into her lips and then sprints out of the room.
By the time he comes back after lulling Bailey to sleep Leah is already out. Fast asleep with her arm across the bed like
she was reaching for him and there’s nothing he can do but pick up her arm, slide underneath it and fall asleep next to her.
“You look pretty.” Jessie beams with Bailey cradled in her arms.
Leah turns around and smoothes down the front of her black dress. “It’s a little tight.”
Jessie shrugs. “Guys like it tight.”
“Ewww.”
“Oh my god, I wasn’t being gross. God, you do need to have sex; get it off your mind.”
“Oh great I’m so glad everyone knows we’re going to be having sex.”
“It’s kind of obvious.”
Leah turns back to the mirror. “I’m nervous. I mean I probably shouldn’t be nervous through right? We’ve done this before.”
“At least once. Just relax and have a good time.”
“Mmm. It’s just that the dress doesn’t fit.”
“He’s not going to care about that.”
“But what if he does?”
“He’s loved you this whole time. Give him a little credit.”
“I should. But still….” She stares into the mirror with her hands over her stomach. “Ugh. I don’t know.”
“You look great. Jared is pretty much dying with sexual frustration so I really don’t think he’ll care.”
“Thanks for telling me that, really means a lot.” She says sarcastically and Jessie grins.
“I’m here to help.”
Leah frowns playfully and tickles Bailey making her laugh.
“Leah, we got to go.” Jared yells from the door of the bedroom and she rolls her eye.
“Don’t rush me. It’s my night off.”
“It won’t be if we miss the reservation and we end up eating at a McDonald’s or something like that.”
“Alright.” Leah fixes her lipstick once more and touches her hair then walks into the bedroom, Jessie and Bailey following after her.
“Leah, I’m being ser…” He shuts up when he sees her balancing on her heels with her hand on her hip and her hair
pulled back against the nape of her neck. He’s wearing a black sweater and dark wash jeans with boots. He looks simply stunning.
He looks her over takes a deep breath and purses his lips and nods. “Worth the wait.”
Her face breaks into a grin. “Yeah.” She slinks over to him and puts her arms over his shoulders. She already feels drunk.
“Yup.” His arms circle around her waist. “But we really gotta go.” He pulls her hand but she hesitates. “What?”
“Bailey.”
“She’ll be fine.” Jessie assures. “Look how happy she is. You need this.”
Leah scowls and gives Bailey a hug telling her that she loves her over and over until Jared finally peels her away.
In the car Leah clicks her nails back and forth; a nervous habit that’s starting to grate on him.
“She’s fine.”
The clicking stops. “I know. I’m not really worried about that anymore.”
“What are you worried about?”
‘That you won’t like what’s under this dress.’ “Nothing. Hey, where would we have had sex if we had to eat at McDonald’s?”
He’s momentarily stunned. “Don’t worry I have that all under control.”
The restaurant they go to is one from their early days. It was one of the first places they went to together during her first trip to Nashville with him. She spent dinner casually sipping wine and talking while she brushed her foot against his leg under the table. They had sex in his car that night because they couldn’t make it to his place.
She blushes at the memory as she sits down at the table and hopes that the flickering candle light hides it. She doesn’t want Jared to see it. Or maybe she does.
“What are we doing after this?”
“Why do you have to look for the next thing?” He asks. “Just enjoy this.”
“I’m just wondering.” She stops when the waiter comes to the table and Jared orders wine. “What’s next?”
“Ummm.” He looks around to make sure no one is watching; listening and lowers his voice. “I kind of got a hotel room?”
“A hotel room?”
“Yeah. You don’t find that tacky or cheesy or gross or anything do you because I thought that you might and then that maybe you wouldn’t care and I don’t know.”
“And we can go there?”
“I thought that after we ate.”
But she’s already standing and ripping the menu from his hand and tossing it on the table.
“Let’s go there now. We can eat later.”
“That’s my girl.”
They hold hands in the elevator up to the room. It’s innocent but its building and growing in the pit of their stomachs getting more intense the longer they’re stuck in the confined space. They know what’s going to happen and how good it could be but the long amount of time since it’s happened and the newly formed and admitted feelings are giving it a mysterious edge.
She sighs heavily when he doesn’t use the key card to open the door the right way on the first try and he responds by wrapping an arm around her waist and pushing her into the room first when the door does open.
The room is dark and she can barely see a bed on the far side of the room because it’s covered in a white comforter that stands out against the blackness of the air. She puts her hand to the wall to find a light switch but before her fingers run into one he’s pulling her arm back and pushing her back against the door.
“Hey.” He whispers, his eyes shining as he looks at her.
“Hey.” She says back because it’s the only thing she can think of while his body is pressed against his.
His eyes drop down to her lips and she arches her back against the door slightly so her hips are flat against his.
He closes the small gap between them and kisses her so lightly, such a difference from the way that they rest of his body is pressed into her showing that they’re not sure how to proceed. Are they going to go slow? Is he going to lead her to the bed and are they going to slowly undress and kiss and touch and make love? Or are clothes going to be ripped off right where they’re standing and tongues and teeth and lips will crash and fight and skin will be groped and they’ll just straight up bang?
She ultimately decides that they have time for both when she tug on his hair with one hand to get him to kiss her and unbuttons his jeans and works them down his hips with the other. He follows suit and immediately unzips her dress, pulling the straps down her arms and lifts her up, holding her off the ground so her feet don’t touch the floor and she moans into his kiss.
A few hours later she’s hanging between sleep and being awake as she listens to Jared on the phone ordering room service. She’s in bed more naked than she has been in bed for a long time and he’s only in his boxers, his back to her with the phone pressed to his ear and an arm across his stomach. He turns halfway to her when he tells whoever is on the other end of the phone that he’ll need two sets of silverware and smiles at her. Leah blushes and ducks her head into the pillow feeling simply euphoric because this is how it’s supposed to be.
He hangs up and collapse back onto the bed with her. “We got about twenty minutes.”
She runs her hand across the back of his head and her fingers entwine in his hair.
“This was a pretty successful night.” He states as his fingertips move along her stomach.
She giggles and shoves his hand away. “Stop.”
“Why?” His hand is flat against her stomach now.
“Because. I’d rather you didn’t spend a lot of time focusing on my worst features.”
“Worst feature.” He laughs. “You don’t have one.”
“They’re all bad.”
“Shut up.” He places a warm kiss to the side of her neck and whispers ‘perfect’.
“This feels like how we used to be.”
They used to spend hours together doing nothing but this.
“This is better.” He says. They have something to go home to. They have a home to go to and she’s not going to leave him.
She could spend the rest of her life apologizing for the way that she acted and he could forgive her thousands of times but she’d never really forgive herself.
He kisses her like he’s reading her mind, telling her that it’s all okay without saying a word.
She smiles softly at him as he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Will you marry me?”
Her face drops. “Jared.” She sighs out his name. “Things are going so well, why ruin them with marriage?”
“Why would that be ruining things? Wouldn’t it make it better?”
She shakes her head and he pushes himself up onto one arm so they’re no longer equal and he’s towering above her.
She does that same trying to keep an even keel. “Do you know what comes with marriage? Divorce and I really don’t want to divorce you.”
“I don’t want to divorce you either.”
“Good. Then let’s agree to never get divorced.”
“Deal.”
“By never getting married.”
“No, Leah.” He sits up and she pulls her legs underneath her so she’s cross-legged and facing him.
“Why do you want to get married?”
“Because I love you.”
“And?”
“And what? You think I need another reason?”
“It seems like it’s not necessary. Why do we need it? Because your brothers and Matthew are married and you don’t want to be left out?”
“It’s got nothing to do with them.”
“I love you Jared. Let’s love each other and never get to the point where you wouldn’t want to be married to me anymore.”
“That wouldn’t happen.”
“You know half of all marriages end in divorce and that number is climbing. The odds aren’t in our favor.”
“Who do you know that’s divorced?” He questions. All her friends aren’t even married. “Your parents aren’t divorced. They made it.”
“My parents are not an example for anything good and they might not be divorced but yours are.”
He looks hurt that she’d use his parent’s divorce to prove her point and she reaches across his lap to hold his hand; grateful that he doesn’t pull it away.
“I’m sorry Jared. It’s better this way. Trust me.”
He nods but she can tell he still doesn’t accept this as an excuse. He still feels it has something to do with him.
“Jared.” She wants him to say something or react in some way. “I love you.”
The knock on the door from room service only adds to the tension and he kisses her forehead and leaves the bed.
He can’t stop making her feel amazing and loved and she can’t stop hurting him.
In the morning he plays it off like nothing is wrong. The marriage talk is forgotten and done and they eat breakfast in a comfortable silence until he talks about how he should’ve brought another set of clothes with him.
“I have put my dress back on and I bet it’s wrinkled.” She scrunches her nose up as she looks at it crumpled in a ball by the door. She wonders what the guy that brought up the room service thought when he saw that. “Just like some floozy.”
“Well if the dress fits.” He teases. “I didn’t really think it through all that much.”
“Had something else on your mind?”
Asking her to marry him. Again.
“Something like that.”
Jessie tells her that she looks like she’s glowing and Nathan claps Jared on the back when they get home and Jared
soaks it up while Leah ignores it and heads strait to Bailey who’s happily sitting on Jessie’s lap.
“Thanks for watching her.” Leah says to Jessie.
“Oh it was no problem. Anytime.”
Leah feels the urge to tell her everything. About how Jared proposed and what she said and how she feels. She wants to get it off her chest but instead she looks over at Jared and nods.
“Want to make it a once a week kind of a thing?”
Jared goes on tour again when Bailey is a year and a half old. She’s walking and talking in small, grammatically incorrect sentences in a slight southern accent that she learned from Jared and his family and she sobs, breaks down and screams when he leaves.
He’s kneeling on the pavement with her arms wrapped tight against his neck crying into his chest. He alternates from rubbing her back and smoothing out her curly brown hair.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go.” He say looking up at Leah who’s standing over them. Everyone else is already on a bus and all their equipment packed. Everyone’s waiting on them but Jared doesn’t care.
“You have to go. You won’t be gone for long. You’ll have two weeks on your own and then we’ll meet up with you in Alabama and we’ll be with you for the rest of the tour down here and then you’ll have a week left.”
“You should be coming with me for the whole time.”
“We agreed that she’d have as normal of a childhood as possible. You know those girls that spend all their time on their daddy’s tour bus when they’re little; they all grow up to be druggies or prostitutes or something like that.”
“Who has that happened to?”
“I’m an actress Jared. I’ve spent a lot of time in L.A. I’ve heard stories, I’ve seen things.”
He tries to unlatch Bailey’s arms from his neck but she won’t budge and he looks up at Leah with a pained expression. “I can’t.” He whispers and Leah bends down and unwraps her arms, transferring them onto her own neck and lifts her up.
“We’ll see you soon.” Leah tells him over Bailey who is now whimpering into her shoulder.
“This is going to be the worst.” His is voice is so sad and she wraps an arm around him and kisses him with Bailey crying between them.
He calls for the first time when she gets home.
“How is she?”
“She fell asleep in the car from crying so hard and I just put her down. You can talk to her if you want. I can wake her up.”
“It’s better if she sleeps. I feel so bad.”
“Jared, it’s really okay. I understand but it’s going to be okay.”
“I hope she doesn’t think I’m abandoning her or anything. That would kill me.”
“She doesn’t think that. She loves you.”
“And I walked away from her.”
“Jared there is nothing you could do to make her love you less. If anything she’s going to hate me. I’m the one that tore
her away from you. She’s going to remember that too.”
“She won’t hate you. Or maybe she will. Oh god, what did we do?”
She has to laugh a little at his dramatics. “Did you ever think that that your next tour would be like this?”
“Last tour I was miserable and missing you but this time I’m miserable and missing her and you. But it’s only two weeks.”
“That’s right. We’re going to be fine. She’s going to be fine. Until she wakes up and starts crying.”
“Ugh. I’m going to call you a lot.”
“That’s fine. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Call me when she wakes up.”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
“And try and have fun.”
“I’m not guaranteeing anything.”
The next two weeks are rough. Bailey is moody and refuses to do anything that Leah asks of her. It’s gets to the point where she won’t even go to sleep without Leah calling Jared to tell him to tell her to go to bed.
“She loves him so much more.” She spills to Betty-Ann. Bailey is currently glued to the computer screen. Leah set up Skype with Jared for her because the phone calls just weren’t cutting it anymore. “It’s so cute and I’m not complaining but
I don’t know.” She trails off in a huff as she glances back at Bailey.
“She does not love him more.”
“She does too. Can you imagine her acting like this if I ever went off to California to work?”
“You’ve never gone anywhere. You have no idea how she would act.”
“But he and she are different from me and her. It’s just the way that it is.” Leah says with a hint of sadness to her voice.
Her dream of being totally different from her own mother is slipping just a little ways out of reach.
“That happens. Kids are often closer to the opposite parent.”
“Yeah.” She’s absentminded and distracted as she gets up to remove Bailey’s arm from the computer because Jared
has to be onstage in ten minutes and has to end the chat.
Leah is thoroughly stressed out and beyond ready to see him again as she weaves through traffic to get to the venue in
Alabama. She’s late; they’re going to be playing in ten minutes and she has at least a thirty minute drive ahead of her without the traffic. Bailey is wide awake in her car seat and aware of where she’s going and who she’s going to be seeing.
Her phone rings and she knows who it is before she answers it.
“Where the hell are you?”
“Traffic. Everyone in this state must be on the highway.”
“You only have like, ten minutes. Maybe.”
“I won’t make it there on time Jared. I’m sorry.”
“We could stall.”
“No, don’t do that. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get there. Start the show and we’ll meet up after.”
“You sure? We can wait.”
She laughs. “No you can’t. People would be pissed. Go on and start. It might be fun for Bailey to see you guys play. Just tell Caleb to watch the language.”
“He’ll love that.”
“He’ll do it for her. I’ll see you soon okay? Have a great show.”
Leah stands off to the side of the stage with Bailey bouncing anxiously in her arms. If Leah didn’t have a good grip on her she’s be across the stage to Jared in a heartbeat.
He’s seen them. He’s been looking for them since they started the show and now he’s distracted and rushing through the songs. She cringes every time she hears a mistake. She knows the guys will understand but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be upset.
When they step off the stage before the encore Leah puts Bailey down and he scoops her up. She giggles as he kisses her face and hugs Leah.
“We have missed you.” Leah tells him after her kisses her.
“Twenty more minutes and I’m all yours for the rest of the week.” He whispers to her then hugs Bailey tighter before transferring her back into Leah’s arms. “Be right back baby.” He kisses her head and pinches Leah’s hip before taking to the stage again.
When he puts his bass down for the second and final time Bailey is out of her arms and running back to him.
After the show the boys get Leah and Bailey’s bags from the car and bring them onto Jared’s bus because there’s not much he can do with Bailey practically glued to his chest.
“She’s never going to let you go.”
“That’s okay.” He runs a light hand over her hair. “I think she’s falling asleep though. I’m going to put her to bed.”
“She’ll be okay in there?”
“She’s probably safer in there than she is at home. The thing is bolted to the wall”
“You can do that?”
“Baby I can do anything I want.”
When he comes back he flops on the couch next to her with an arm around her. She leans back into him and they kiss.
“I asked the guys if they could hang out with Bailey for a little while tomorrow and they said yes.”
“Mmm.” She puts an arm around his middle. “That’s good. You know how much I love having people know what we’re going to have sex.”
“I never said anything about sex. I just thought we could talk or whatever. Is sex all you need me for?”
She sighs and rests the side of her face on his shoulder.
“I got you something.” He pushes himself up from the couch suddenly, squeezing her knee as he goes.
“A present?” She exclaims in a whispers. They’ve gotten used to using inside voices while Bailey is around. They don’t even yell because they either don’t want to wake her or they don’t want her to know that there is a disagreement. She’s not going to know an angry home.
He pulls a small blue bag from one of his suitcases and drops it onto her lap then sits back down next to her with one leg crossed over the other, his ankle resting on his knee.
She feels uneasy as she picks up the bag and sticks her hand inside. There’s a small box inside of it and she pulls it out and rests it on her lap.
He pokes her arm. “Open it.”
“Jared.” She’s actually afraid of what it is; of what she has a feeling that it is.
“Just open it.”
She takes a deep breath and while avoiding eye contact she flips the box open.
It’s what she thought. There’s a ring in the box. Diamond and shiny and tasteful and beautiful and everything she would want an engagement ring to be if she actually wanted an engagement ring.
“Jared.” The box snaps shut. It sounds like she’s yelling ‘no’ but when she looks at him he’s still got a soft smile on his lips.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful but.”
“It doesn’t have to be an engagement ring but…”
“But that’s what it is?”
“That’s what I’m hoping it is.”
She lets her head fall back against the couch.
“I know you said you didn’t want to get married but that was awhile ago and I’m hoping that you’ve maybe, I don’t know, changed your mind? But.” He covers the box with his hand getting ready to take it but she’s not letting it go. “I can see that you obviously haven’t.”
“I love you so much.”
“I know you do. You say that every time you say no to me.”
She winces. That sounds awful.
“I want you to know it though. You are the only guy I would ever, ever consider marrying.”
“But you’re not going to marry me?” He pauses then shakes his head and takes the ring out of her hand. “Don’t answer that. I’m sorry I asked you again. You made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want to the last time I asked and I shouldn’t keep trying. I give up. And I don’t mean for that to sound as pathetic as it did.”
“Jared.” She puts her hand out like she wants the ring back.
“It’s fine Leah. You didn’t hurt my feelings or anything. I get it. It’s not about me, right?”
“Right.”
“Right. So I shouldn’t feel bad.” He says in a way that lets her know that’s exactly how he’s feeling. He drops the box back into his luggage. “You want to go to bed? I’m tired and we’re going to start rolling out of here soon so there’s nothing we can do out there.” He shrugs but when she doesn’t move he laughs. “Come on. Don’t look at me like that. It makes it so much worse. Let’s go to bed and forget it.”
She doesn’t know what to say besides ‘okay’ and takes his hand.
He doesn’t play it off as well this time. He’s a little short with her, not as readily willing to offer a smile or a kiss and when they’re alone in the back of his tour bus, as cheap as that sounds, she tells him that she loves him like she always does between kisses and soft sighs and moans and instead of saying it back to her right away as usual he hesitates and her eyes open as her fingernails dig into his skin as an act of worry instead of an effect of pleasure. He says it and she’s incredibly relived but the few seconds of silence from him will always bother her.
The rest of the tour is uneventful. There’s no other proposal, no mind numbing and panic inducing silences after an I love you is said and Bailey falls asleep every night without a fight because Jared is the last one to kiss her goodnight. They stay the whole tour, not just the southern leg because she needs to give him something. She’s not marrying him and now she can’t take his daughter from him.
He welcomes home like she’s never seen him. Before Bailey he’d talk of home like it bored him. Like he longed for the fast pace that was set by New York or any city he was in while he was on tour but now with Bailey perched on his shoulders he stands in the middle of the kitchen and tells her “lets never leave home again.”
And they don’t for six months when Leah lands a movie role and has to travel to Los Angeles, taking Jared and Bailey with her.
They rent a house on the beach for their two months stay and she’s forgotten how nice two months of summer in California can be.
Nice and brutally hot.
They spend most of their time on the beach. Bailey is slathered in sunscreen and Jared and Leah take turns running after her, walking into the water while she stands giggling on the shore, the waves coming up and touching her toes.
It’s his turn and Leah lies on a towel on the sand watching them. He’s shirtless and his skin is turning red from the sun, his swim trunks sticking to his legs as he holds Bailey’s hand as she runs around at his feet, dancing in and out of the water. He’s laughing and smiling and every now and then he’ll look over his shoulder at Leah with a soft look on his face like he loves everything about everything and from behind her sunglasses she hopes he sees the same in her. Next to her is a rolled up copy of the newest Glamour magazine. There’s a three page interview with her inside that she hopes no one will be reading.
She gave it soon after they got home from touring with him. The interviewer cut right to the chase with the personal questions and Leah was trapped.
“Any plans for marriage?”
Leah was relieved that this was a phone interview so the women couldn’t jot down notes about her facial expressions to
pump up the article. And that Jared was currently out of the house.
“Ummm. I think we’re happy with where we are. There’s no need to change it.” It wasn’t a total lie. It was the truth as long as Leah didn’t spend too long thinking about it.
“So that’s a no?”
“No.”
“No that’s not a no or no, it’s a no?”
It was out of control.
“We’re not getting married.” She said flatly.
“Why not?”
She sighed into the phone. Leah wanted to say ‘are you stupid? I told you we’re happy with the way things are now shut the fuck up about it.’ “We like things they way they are.” She said instead, simply.
“Okay.” The interviewer has said absentmindedly like she was furiously writhing things to exploit the tone in Leah’s voice.
“So no marriage. What about kids?”
“We haven’t talked about it.”
“But it’s not a no? It’s out there?”
“I mean, I guess so. We haven’t ruled it out. We love Bailey and if we could have a hundred kids like her we would.” She laughed to lighten the mood but on the inside she was screaming ‘for the love of god please leave us alone and ask about what projects I have going on.’
She’d like for him to never read it. And to never contradict it because that would look bad and create so much drama for the both of them. She’s painted them as a happy, in love couple that doesn’t see the point in marriage because what they have is enough. It’s only half true. She’s the only one feeling that. She should’ve just kept her mouth shut and refused to say anything about her personal life.
She’s had endless comments on their lack of a marriage. Her friends in L.A have told her ‘I could be your maid of honor’; ‘if it’s too stressful for you to plan a wedding I could totally do it for you. I’m a great party planner. Do you remember that New Years Eve party in ’07? It would be like that only way classier’ and ‘can you imagine how cute Bailey would look in a little flower girl dress. I could die.’ She’s ignored them all. Their constant nagging reminded her why she’s thankful to be out of California in the first place.
She stands up and starts down the sand to Jared. She steps behind him and puts her arms around his waist and her forehead against his shoulder blades until he turns around and kisses her. She kisses him, long and deep and more than she ever would in public because that’s what she wants in the magazines to overshadow the semi-damaging interview.
That night she watches him with Bailey. The two of them are sitting on the balcony that overlooks the water. There’s a blanket over their legs even though it’s warm out and Bailey is lying on her side in the chair with her arm over his chest. She looks like she’s almost asleep but still holding on to listen to him talk.
Leah wonders for the first time what he did with the ring. Did he keep it and hide it somewhere? Is she going to stumble upon it someday while she’s looking for something else? Or did her return it along with any hopes that she’ll be his bride.
She’d never ask him so she’ll never know.
When she steps onto the balcony he stops talking and makes room for her in the oversized chair and she settles in with Bailey turning to curl into her side. Jared puts his arm around Leah so she can rest her head against his shoulder and it hits her that if he were to ask her to marry him right now she’d say yes. If this is what marriage would be like with him then why wouldn’t she want it? If they could just hold onto this moment and the way that he felt about her would never change from right now she’d have to say yes.
When he puts Bailey to bed Leah’s standing in the kitchen rubbing her hands together trying to figure out if she should say anything to him.
He softly closes Bailey’s door behind him and stares over at Leah with a dangerous smile on his face. She knows that in a few moments she won’t be able to say anything intelligible.
As he gets closer to her she backs up against the counter with her hands against the edge holding on tight. His fingertips lightly graze her sides before he grasps her waist tightly and nods. She bites her lip as she nods back and eases herself up onto the counter and he steps between her legs.
Before she lets him kiss her she tangles her fingers in his hair and holds his head back and studies his face.
‘Ask me, ask me, ask me, ask me.’
But she stays silent and drops her hands to the hem of his t-shirt and starts to work it up his torso. She sighs as her hands wander over his chest. His skin is hot from spending the day in the sun and when he she gets the shirt off he moves closer to her and she drops her lips to his neck and presses her lips to his buzzing skin. He smells like sun and sweat and warmth and she reflexively curls her hands against his shoulders to hold him closer because this is perfect.
“Jared.” She breathes out his name and his fingertips press into the small of her back. “Jared.” It’s suddenly the only word she knows how to say and ‘I want you to marry me’ is out of the question.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” She chickens out. She pushes her hips out so they’re flush with his and wraps her legs around his waist.
“Come on. Bedroom. Now.”
He narrows his eyes for a moment before he runs his hands down her back and under her thighs so he can carry her towards their room.
Song: Arms- Christina Perri
Word Count: 7,308
Finally chapter. It's over 16,000 words altogether and long enough that LJ made me cut it in two.
"Alright.” He pushes himself up from the bed throwing the covers back over Leah. “That’s enough.”
She raises her head from the pillow. “What are you going to do?”
They’ve been home from the hospital for a week and neither of them has slept. Bailey has been crying for what seems like the past one hundred and sixty eight hours. It’s starting to take a toll.
He pulls on his jeans and then his shoes. “I’m going to put her in her car seat and we’re going to drive around the block a few hundred times. The car puts her right out and I can’t listen to this anymore. I’m going to go crazy. I have to do something.”
“Alright.” She starts to get up but he leans over the bed and grasps her wrist.
“You should go back to bed, Leah. There’s no point of both of us being up.”
“I don’t feel right about sleeping while you’re out there driving. I should go with you and help; keep talking to you so you don’t fall asleep.”
He lets her go and doesn’t argue. He would never make her come with him but he’d also never turn her down.
Bailey stops crying as soon as the car starts moving and Leah’s head rests against the window. A part of her regrets pushing to come with him because she could really use the sleep. Her eyes slide shut on their own and she has to force them open.
“Tell me something.”
“You’re supposed to be keeping me awake.” He jokes. “Not the other way around.”
“I’m so tired, Jared.”
He laughs and she doesn’t get where he gets the energy to do that from. “I know, I know. Have you thought about work at all?”
That wakes her up. “Work?”
“Yeah. Like, acting again. I’m not meaning anything by this, I’m just wondering if you had any plans to get back to L.A or anything.”
“I haven’t thought about anything.”
“Because you can you know. If you wanted to go and work some. I’d be okay with that.”
“I think Bailey is a little young for that, don’t you?”
“Yeah, I didn’t mean like, next week or anything but if you wanted to go sometime in the coming months or whatever.
Whenever you’re ready.”
“Okay.” She says slowly.
“I just wanted you to know that you can do both. You can have a career and a baby.”
Leah chuckles. Her energy restored by his words. “Okay, thanks for telling me Oprah.”
“Hey, I’m just saying.”
“What is the real reason for bringing this up?”
He shakes his head and tries to look innocent and then exhales and flicks his eyes towards her then back to the road.
“The guys have been talking about another tour.” He admits.
“Another one? You just got back from one.”
“It wouldn’t be until next year and probably not until late next year but if you don’t want me to go then I don’t have to. They can deal with not going and it’ll be fine.”
“You should go. A year and a half from now, we’ll be okay. I can’t hold you back. You can have it all too you know.” She
pushes his side gently.
“It’s still a long way from now. Things could change.”
“But it’s okay if they don’t. Musicians have babies all the time and they make it work. You just have one. No excuse for not going.” They both laugh. “I’ll read some scripts if you want me to. My manager wants me to. She’s been sending me some like, once a week. I think she’s afraid that people will forget about me.”
“That’s never going to happen.” He says just softly enough to make her blush.
“So.” She takes a breath to changes the subject and brings up what she needs to bring up. “I got a call from my mom the other day.”
His hands tighten on the steering wheel and his shoulders tense. “Oh.”
“Yeah. Just called up out of the blue and asked me how I was doing and how Bailey was.”
“Really? How did it go?” He’s trying to act innocent and he knows it’s not working.
“It was fine. It was real civil and calm. No yelling or accusation. She seems nice. Different.”
He relaxes a little bit. It wasn’t a disaster. It didn’t make her cry or anything. “That’s good.” He dares to smile but when he
looks over at her she’s frowning at him and looking at him through narrowed eyes.
“Yeah and then she asked me if I was still with the guy that left the long, rambling message on their machine.”
Jared winces. “And what did you say?”
“I said yes.”
“Well that’s good news for him.” He says sheepishly.
She crosses her arms. “Jared.”
“I’m sorry okay? I thought that it’s what you really wanted. I thought I was fixing something.”
“After I specifically told you to stay out of it?”
“I don’t know what to do. It seemed like something….I don’t know.” He shakes his head. “I wanted to help you and you said that it went well so you can’t be that mad.”
“You went behind my back. When did you even do it, we’ve been together every second or every day.”
“That first night that you were at the hospital. You were sleeping and I snuck out.”
She scoffs. “Oh god, Jared. That is really low.”
He groans. “I just wanted to help you.”
She leans back into the seat with her head pressed back against the headrest.
“Don’t be mad.”
“I’m not mad. I’m just; I don’t know what I am.”
“I wanted to help you.”
“I know you did.”
“And it went okay.” He grabs her hand and gives it a squeeze. “Can’t you see that this could be a good thing?”
“I see it but I don’t want to.”
“Well. Maybe someday you will. Maybe we could go out there for Christmas or they could come here or something.”
“I’m really not seeing that.”
He slows the car to a stop at a red light and stares up at it. “I just want you to be happy.”
Her heart clenches and her breath catches in her throat and she pushes herself out of the seat and takes his jaw in her hand and turns his face to hers so she can kiss him.
“I am happy.” She whispers when she breaks away; her forehead still resting against his. “I love you.” It slips out and she sucks in a breath. Now would be the time to take it back but she can’t and doesn’t want to and she smiles into another
kiss to punctuate her confession. “I love you.”
“I knew it.”
She pulls back from him. “That’s all you have to say?”
“I. No.” But he doesn’t say anything else. Just cups his hand to the back of her head and crashes their lips together.
The light goes through three cycles; red to green to yellow and back to red before they break apart.
They kiss freely now. There are no awkward moments or wondering if this is what the other wants because it definitely is.
They’re a real couple now. Young and dumb and in love trying to do what’s best for their newly formed family.
“I want to take you on a date.” He whispers to her in bed one night. Bailey’s six months old and Jared and Leah are both long overdue for a break.
“We go out all the time.” She says sleepily, sighing against her pillow as she turns her head to look at him.
“We go out with Bailey all the time. You and I haven’t been alone in months.” He moves his hand under her shirt and up her side and her eyes widen. They do need to be alone. Attempts have been made of course, but every time it’s been interrupted by Bailey crying or Leah saying that she’s way too tired and Jared understands but he can only go for so long.
“Where would we go?”
“Out.” He draws a circle on her hip with his fingertip. “We can go get dinner somewhere nice and we won’t be interrupted and then…” He trails off, letting the rest of the night unravel in his own mind.
“Who would watch Bailey?”
“Some old hobo.”
She laughs and he squeezes her waist.
“We’ll get a babysitter. People do it all the time. I’m sure Jessie would love to do it. She and Nathan will come over, Bailey loves them.”
“Yeah. She should be okay with them.”
“She’ll be great with them. Then you can relax and be really, really great with me.”
Leah giggles. “I’ve missed that.”
“That is an understatement for the way that I’m feeling.” He pulls his body against hers so he’s leaning over her and
kisses the curve of her shoulder. “Let’s go out tomorrow.”
“That soon?” She tips her head to the side so he can keep kissing up to her neck to her jaw.
“It’s been over a year.” He mumbles as she arches her back so he can removes her shirt in one swift motion.
“Can’t we go now?” She has to moan as his hands skim along her stomach and chest and she pushes her fingers into his hair.
“Mmmhmm.” He hums against her lips and she slips one hand from his hair down to his jaw and chest and finally
working its way under his shirt, roaming across his chest and they both tense. This is as far as they’ve gotten.
Something has always happened, usually Bailey crying, to make them stop.
And then, right on cue, the baby monitor on the nightstand comes to life and Bailey’s crying fills the room.
“Dammit.” Jared drops his forehead to her chest, just over her heart and breathes out heavily. “Just…” His frustration
makes the words stick in his head. “Can she cry that out?”
Leah glances at the digital clock next to the bed and shakes her head. “She probably needs something. She’s been
asleep for awhile. One of us should check on her.”
He groans but climbs off of her. “I’ll go. I’m more dressed.”
“Unfortunately.” She sighs and he comes back and drops a kiss to her lips.
“Tomorrow.”
“When you get back? I’m not going anywhere.” She says with a slow smile and he kisses her again with an “I’ll be right back” pressed into her lips and then sprints out of the room.
By the time he comes back after lulling Bailey to sleep Leah is already out. Fast asleep with her arm across the bed like
she was reaching for him and there’s nothing he can do but pick up her arm, slide underneath it and fall asleep next to her.
“You look pretty.” Jessie beams with Bailey cradled in her arms.
Leah turns around and smoothes down the front of her black dress. “It’s a little tight.”
Jessie shrugs. “Guys like it tight.”
“Ewww.”
“Oh my god, I wasn’t being gross. God, you do need to have sex; get it off your mind.”
“Oh great I’m so glad everyone knows we’re going to be having sex.”
“It’s kind of obvious.”
Leah turns back to the mirror. “I’m nervous. I mean I probably shouldn’t be nervous through right? We’ve done this before.”
“At least once. Just relax and have a good time.”
“Mmm. It’s just that the dress doesn’t fit.”
“He’s not going to care about that.”
“But what if he does?”
“He’s loved you this whole time. Give him a little credit.”
“I should. But still….” She stares into the mirror with her hands over her stomach. “Ugh. I don’t know.”
“You look great. Jared is pretty much dying with sexual frustration so I really don’t think he’ll care.”
“Thanks for telling me that, really means a lot.” She says sarcastically and Jessie grins.
“I’m here to help.”
Leah frowns playfully and tickles Bailey making her laugh.
“Leah, we got to go.” Jared yells from the door of the bedroom and she rolls her eye.
“Don’t rush me. It’s my night off.”
“It won’t be if we miss the reservation and we end up eating at a McDonald’s or something like that.”
“Alright.” Leah fixes her lipstick once more and touches her hair then walks into the bedroom, Jessie and Bailey following after her.
“Leah, I’m being ser…” He shuts up when he sees her balancing on her heels with her hand on her hip and her hair
pulled back against the nape of her neck. He’s wearing a black sweater and dark wash jeans with boots. He looks simply stunning.
He looks her over takes a deep breath and purses his lips and nods. “Worth the wait.”
Her face breaks into a grin. “Yeah.” She slinks over to him and puts her arms over his shoulders. She already feels drunk.
“Yup.” His arms circle around her waist. “But we really gotta go.” He pulls her hand but she hesitates. “What?”
“Bailey.”
“She’ll be fine.” Jessie assures. “Look how happy she is. You need this.”
Leah scowls and gives Bailey a hug telling her that she loves her over and over until Jared finally peels her away.
In the car Leah clicks her nails back and forth; a nervous habit that’s starting to grate on him.
“She’s fine.”
The clicking stops. “I know. I’m not really worried about that anymore.”
“What are you worried about?”
‘That you won’t like what’s under this dress.’ “Nothing. Hey, where would we have had sex if we had to eat at McDonald’s?”
He’s momentarily stunned. “Don’t worry I have that all under control.”
The restaurant they go to is one from their early days. It was one of the first places they went to together during her first trip to Nashville with him. She spent dinner casually sipping wine and talking while she brushed her foot against his leg under the table. They had sex in his car that night because they couldn’t make it to his place.
She blushes at the memory as she sits down at the table and hopes that the flickering candle light hides it. She doesn’t want Jared to see it. Or maybe she does.
“What are we doing after this?”
“Why do you have to look for the next thing?” He asks. “Just enjoy this.”
“I’m just wondering.” She stops when the waiter comes to the table and Jared orders wine. “What’s next?”
“Ummm.” He looks around to make sure no one is watching; listening and lowers his voice. “I kind of got a hotel room?”
“A hotel room?”
“Yeah. You don’t find that tacky or cheesy or gross or anything do you because I thought that you might and then that maybe you wouldn’t care and I don’t know.”
“And we can go there?”
“I thought that after we ate.”
But she’s already standing and ripping the menu from his hand and tossing it on the table.
“Let’s go there now. We can eat later.”
“That’s my girl.”
They hold hands in the elevator up to the room. It’s innocent but its building and growing in the pit of their stomachs getting more intense the longer they’re stuck in the confined space. They know what’s going to happen and how good it could be but the long amount of time since it’s happened and the newly formed and admitted feelings are giving it a mysterious edge.
She sighs heavily when he doesn’t use the key card to open the door the right way on the first try and he responds by wrapping an arm around her waist and pushing her into the room first when the door does open.
The room is dark and she can barely see a bed on the far side of the room because it’s covered in a white comforter that stands out against the blackness of the air. She puts her hand to the wall to find a light switch but before her fingers run into one he’s pulling her arm back and pushing her back against the door.
“Hey.” He whispers, his eyes shining as he looks at her.
“Hey.” She says back because it’s the only thing she can think of while his body is pressed against his.
His eyes drop down to her lips and she arches her back against the door slightly so her hips are flat against his.
He closes the small gap between them and kisses her so lightly, such a difference from the way that they rest of his body is pressed into her showing that they’re not sure how to proceed. Are they going to go slow? Is he going to lead her to the bed and are they going to slowly undress and kiss and touch and make love? Or are clothes going to be ripped off right where they’re standing and tongues and teeth and lips will crash and fight and skin will be groped and they’ll just straight up bang?
She ultimately decides that they have time for both when she tug on his hair with one hand to get him to kiss her and unbuttons his jeans and works them down his hips with the other. He follows suit and immediately unzips her dress, pulling the straps down her arms and lifts her up, holding her off the ground so her feet don’t touch the floor and she moans into his kiss.
A few hours later she’s hanging between sleep and being awake as she listens to Jared on the phone ordering room service. She’s in bed more naked than she has been in bed for a long time and he’s only in his boxers, his back to her with the phone pressed to his ear and an arm across his stomach. He turns halfway to her when he tells whoever is on the other end of the phone that he’ll need two sets of silverware and smiles at her. Leah blushes and ducks her head into the pillow feeling simply euphoric because this is how it’s supposed to be.
He hangs up and collapse back onto the bed with her. “We got about twenty minutes.”
She runs her hand across the back of his head and her fingers entwine in his hair.
“This was a pretty successful night.” He states as his fingertips move along her stomach.
She giggles and shoves his hand away. “Stop.”
“Why?” His hand is flat against her stomach now.
“Because. I’d rather you didn’t spend a lot of time focusing on my worst features.”
“Worst feature.” He laughs. “You don’t have one.”
“They’re all bad.”
“Shut up.” He places a warm kiss to the side of her neck and whispers ‘perfect’.
“This feels like how we used to be.”
They used to spend hours together doing nothing but this.
“This is better.” He says. They have something to go home to. They have a home to go to and she’s not going to leave him.
She could spend the rest of her life apologizing for the way that she acted and he could forgive her thousands of times but she’d never really forgive herself.
He kisses her like he’s reading her mind, telling her that it’s all okay without saying a word.
She smiles softly at him as he tucks a strand of hair behind her ear.
“Will you marry me?”
Her face drops. “Jared.” She sighs out his name. “Things are going so well, why ruin them with marriage?”
“Why would that be ruining things? Wouldn’t it make it better?”
She shakes her head and he pushes himself up onto one arm so they’re no longer equal and he’s towering above her.
She does that same trying to keep an even keel. “Do you know what comes with marriage? Divorce and I really don’t want to divorce you.”
“I don’t want to divorce you either.”
“Good. Then let’s agree to never get divorced.”
“Deal.”
“By never getting married.”
“No, Leah.” He sits up and she pulls her legs underneath her so she’s cross-legged and facing him.
“Why do you want to get married?”
“Because I love you.”
“And?”
“And what? You think I need another reason?”
“It seems like it’s not necessary. Why do we need it? Because your brothers and Matthew are married and you don’t want to be left out?”
“It’s got nothing to do with them.”
“I love you Jared. Let’s love each other and never get to the point where you wouldn’t want to be married to me anymore.”
“That wouldn’t happen.”
“You know half of all marriages end in divorce and that number is climbing. The odds aren’t in our favor.”
“Who do you know that’s divorced?” He questions. All her friends aren’t even married. “Your parents aren’t divorced. They made it.”
“My parents are not an example for anything good and they might not be divorced but yours are.”
He looks hurt that she’d use his parent’s divorce to prove her point and she reaches across his lap to hold his hand; grateful that he doesn’t pull it away.
“I’m sorry Jared. It’s better this way. Trust me.”
He nods but she can tell he still doesn’t accept this as an excuse. He still feels it has something to do with him.
“Jared.” She wants him to say something or react in some way. “I love you.”
The knock on the door from room service only adds to the tension and he kisses her forehead and leaves the bed.
He can’t stop making her feel amazing and loved and she can’t stop hurting him.
In the morning he plays it off like nothing is wrong. The marriage talk is forgotten and done and they eat breakfast in a comfortable silence until he talks about how he should’ve brought another set of clothes with him.
“I have put my dress back on and I bet it’s wrinkled.” She scrunches her nose up as she looks at it crumpled in a ball by the door. She wonders what the guy that brought up the room service thought when he saw that. “Just like some floozy.”
“Well if the dress fits.” He teases. “I didn’t really think it through all that much.”
“Had something else on your mind?”
Asking her to marry him. Again.
“Something like that.”
Jessie tells her that she looks like she’s glowing and Nathan claps Jared on the back when they get home and Jared
soaks it up while Leah ignores it and heads strait to Bailey who’s happily sitting on Jessie’s lap.
“Thanks for watching her.” Leah says to Jessie.
“Oh it was no problem. Anytime.”
Leah feels the urge to tell her everything. About how Jared proposed and what she said and how she feels. She wants to get it off her chest but instead she looks over at Jared and nods.
“Want to make it a once a week kind of a thing?”
Jared goes on tour again when Bailey is a year and a half old. She’s walking and talking in small, grammatically incorrect sentences in a slight southern accent that she learned from Jared and his family and she sobs, breaks down and screams when he leaves.
He’s kneeling on the pavement with her arms wrapped tight against his neck crying into his chest. He alternates from rubbing her back and smoothing out her curly brown hair.
“Maybe I shouldn’t go.” He say looking up at Leah who’s standing over them. Everyone else is already on a bus and all their equipment packed. Everyone’s waiting on them but Jared doesn’t care.
“You have to go. You won’t be gone for long. You’ll have two weeks on your own and then we’ll meet up with you in Alabama and we’ll be with you for the rest of the tour down here and then you’ll have a week left.”
“You should be coming with me for the whole time.”
“We agreed that she’d have as normal of a childhood as possible. You know those girls that spend all their time on their daddy’s tour bus when they’re little; they all grow up to be druggies or prostitutes or something like that.”
“Who has that happened to?”
“I’m an actress Jared. I’ve spent a lot of time in L.A. I’ve heard stories, I’ve seen things.”
He tries to unlatch Bailey’s arms from his neck but she won’t budge and he looks up at Leah with a pained expression. “I can’t.” He whispers and Leah bends down and unwraps her arms, transferring them onto her own neck and lifts her up.
“We’ll see you soon.” Leah tells him over Bailey who is now whimpering into her shoulder.
“This is going to be the worst.” His is voice is so sad and she wraps an arm around him and kisses him with Bailey crying between them.
He calls for the first time when she gets home.
“How is she?”
“She fell asleep in the car from crying so hard and I just put her down. You can talk to her if you want. I can wake her up.”
“It’s better if she sleeps. I feel so bad.”
“Jared, it’s really okay. I understand but it’s going to be okay.”
“I hope she doesn’t think I’m abandoning her or anything. That would kill me.”
“She doesn’t think that. She loves you.”
“And I walked away from her.”
“Jared there is nothing you could do to make her love you less. If anything she’s going to hate me. I’m the one that tore
her away from you. She’s going to remember that too.”
“She won’t hate you. Or maybe she will. Oh god, what did we do?”
She has to laugh a little at his dramatics. “Did you ever think that that your next tour would be like this?”
“Last tour I was miserable and missing you but this time I’m miserable and missing her and you. But it’s only two weeks.”
“That’s right. We’re going to be fine. She’s going to be fine. Until she wakes up and starts crying.”
“Ugh. I’m going to call you a lot.”
“That’s fine. I wouldn’t have it any other way.”
“Call me when she wakes up.”
“I will. Love you.”
“Love you too.”
“And try and have fun.”
“I’m not guaranteeing anything.”
The next two weeks are rough. Bailey is moody and refuses to do anything that Leah asks of her. It’s gets to the point where she won’t even go to sleep without Leah calling Jared to tell him to tell her to go to bed.
“She loves him so much more.” She spills to Betty-Ann. Bailey is currently glued to the computer screen. Leah set up Skype with Jared for her because the phone calls just weren’t cutting it anymore. “It’s so cute and I’m not complaining but
I don’t know.” She trails off in a huff as she glances back at Bailey.
“She does not love him more.”
“She does too. Can you imagine her acting like this if I ever went off to California to work?”
“You’ve never gone anywhere. You have no idea how she would act.”
“But he and she are different from me and her. It’s just the way that it is.” Leah says with a hint of sadness to her voice.
Her dream of being totally different from her own mother is slipping just a little ways out of reach.
“That happens. Kids are often closer to the opposite parent.”
“Yeah.” She’s absentminded and distracted as she gets up to remove Bailey’s arm from the computer because Jared
has to be onstage in ten minutes and has to end the chat.
Leah is thoroughly stressed out and beyond ready to see him again as she weaves through traffic to get to the venue in
Alabama. She’s late; they’re going to be playing in ten minutes and she has at least a thirty minute drive ahead of her without the traffic. Bailey is wide awake in her car seat and aware of where she’s going and who she’s going to be seeing.
Her phone rings and she knows who it is before she answers it.
“Where the hell are you?”
“Traffic. Everyone in this state must be on the highway.”
“You only have like, ten minutes. Maybe.”
“I won’t make it there on time Jared. I’m sorry.”
“We could stall.”
“No, don’t do that. I don’t know how long it’ll take to get there. Start the show and we’ll meet up after.”
“You sure? We can wait.”
She laughs. “No you can’t. People would be pissed. Go on and start. It might be fun for Bailey to see you guys play. Just tell Caleb to watch the language.”
“He’ll love that.”
“He’ll do it for her. I’ll see you soon okay? Have a great show.”
Leah stands off to the side of the stage with Bailey bouncing anxiously in her arms. If Leah didn’t have a good grip on her she’s be across the stage to Jared in a heartbeat.
He’s seen them. He’s been looking for them since they started the show and now he’s distracted and rushing through the songs. She cringes every time she hears a mistake. She knows the guys will understand but that doesn’t mean that they won’t be upset.
When they step off the stage before the encore Leah puts Bailey down and he scoops her up. She giggles as he kisses her face and hugs Leah.
“We have missed you.” Leah tells him after her kisses her.
“Twenty more minutes and I’m all yours for the rest of the week.” He whispers to her then hugs Bailey tighter before transferring her back into Leah’s arms. “Be right back baby.” He kisses her head and pinches Leah’s hip before taking to the stage again.
When he puts his bass down for the second and final time Bailey is out of her arms and running back to him.
After the show the boys get Leah and Bailey’s bags from the car and bring them onto Jared’s bus because there’s not much he can do with Bailey practically glued to his chest.
“She’s never going to let you go.”
“That’s okay.” He runs a light hand over her hair. “I think she’s falling asleep though. I’m going to put her to bed.”
“She’ll be okay in there?”
“She’s probably safer in there than she is at home. The thing is bolted to the wall”
“You can do that?”
“Baby I can do anything I want.”
When he comes back he flops on the couch next to her with an arm around her. She leans back into him and they kiss.
“I asked the guys if they could hang out with Bailey for a little while tomorrow and they said yes.”
“Mmm.” She puts an arm around his middle. “That’s good. You know how much I love having people know what we’re going to have sex.”
“I never said anything about sex. I just thought we could talk or whatever. Is sex all you need me for?”
She sighs and rests the side of her face on his shoulder.
“I got you something.” He pushes himself up from the couch suddenly, squeezing her knee as he goes.
“A present?” She exclaims in a whispers. They’ve gotten used to using inside voices while Bailey is around. They don’t even yell because they either don’t want to wake her or they don’t want her to know that there is a disagreement. She’s not going to know an angry home.
He pulls a small blue bag from one of his suitcases and drops it onto her lap then sits back down next to her with one leg crossed over the other, his ankle resting on his knee.
She feels uneasy as she picks up the bag and sticks her hand inside. There’s a small box inside of it and she pulls it out and rests it on her lap.
He pokes her arm. “Open it.”
“Jared.” She’s actually afraid of what it is; of what she has a feeling that it is.
“Just open it.”
She takes a deep breath and while avoiding eye contact she flips the box open.
It’s what she thought. There’s a ring in the box. Diamond and shiny and tasteful and beautiful and everything she would want an engagement ring to be if she actually wanted an engagement ring.
“Jared.” The box snaps shut. It sounds like she’s yelling ‘no’ but when she looks at him he’s still got a soft smile on his lips.
“Do you like it?”
“It’s beautiful but.”
“It doesn’t have to be an engagement ring but…”
“But that’s what it is?”
“That’s what I’m hoping it is.”
She lets her head fall back against the couch.
“I know you said you didn’t want to get married but that was awhile ago and I’m hoping that you’ve maybe, I don’t know, changed your mind? But.” He covers the box with his hand getting ready to take it but she’s not letting it go. “I can see that you obviously haven’t.”
“I love you so much.”
“I know you do. You say that every time you say no to me.”
She winces. That sounds awful.
“I want you to know it though. You are the only guy I would ever, ever consider marrying.”
“But you’re not going to marry me?” He pauses then shakes his head and takes the ring out of her hand. “Don’t answer that. I’m sorry I asked you again. You made it perfectly clear that you didn’t want to the last time I asked and I shouldn’t keep trying. I give up. And I don’t mean for that to sound as pathetic as it did.”
“Jared.” She puts her hand out like she wants the ring back.
“It’s fine Leah. You didn’t hurt my feelings or anything. I get it. It’s not about me, right?”
“Right.”
“Right. So I shouldn’t feel bad.” He says in a way that lets her know that’s exactly how he’s feeling. He drops the box back into his luggage. “You want to go to bed? I’m tired and we’re going to start rolling out of here soon so there’s nothing we can do out there.” He shrugs but when she doesn’t move he laughs. “Come on. Don’t look at me like that. It makes it so much worse. Let’s go to bed and forget it.”
She doesn’t know what to say besides ‘okay’ and takes his hand.
He doesn’t play it off as well this time. He’s a little short with her, not as readily willing to offer a smile or a kiss and when they’re alone in the back of his tour bus, as cheap as that sounds, she tells him that she loves him like she always does between kisses and soft sighs and moans and instead of saying it back to her right away as usual he hesitates and her eyes open as her fingernails dig into his skin as an act of worry instead of an effect of pleasure. He says it and she’s incredibly relived but the few seconds of silence from him will always bother her.
The rest of the tour is uneventful. There’s no other proposal, no mind numbing and panic inducing silences after an I love you is said and Bailey falls asleep every night without a fight because Jared is the last one to kiss her goodnight. They stay the whole tour, not just the southern leg because she needs to give him something. She’s not marrying him and now she can’t take his daughter from him.
He welcomes home like she’s never seen him. Before Bailey he’d talk of home like it bored him. Like he longed for the fast pace that was set by New York or any city he was in while he was on tour but now with Bailey perched on his shoulders he stands in the middle of the kitchen and tells her “lets never leave home again.”
And they don’t for six months when Leah lands a movie role and has to travel to Los Angeles, taking Jared and Bailey with her.
They rent a house on the beach for their two months stay and she’s forgotten how nice two months of summer in California can be.
Nice and brutally hot.
They spend most of their time on the beach. Bailey is slathered in sunscreen and Jared and Leah take turns running after her, walking into the water while she stands giggling on the shore, the waves coming up and touching her toes.
It’s his turn and Leah lies on a towel on the sand watching them. He’s shirtless and his skin is turning red from the sun, his swim trunks sticking to his legs as he holds Bailey’s hand as she runs around at his feet, dancing in and out of the water. He’s laughing and smiling and every now and then he’ll look over his shoulder at Leah with a soft look on his face like he loves everything about everything and from behind her sunglasses she hopes he sees the same in her. Next to her is a rolled up copy of the newest Glamour magazine. There’s a three page interview with her inside that she hopes no one will be reading.
She gave it soon after they got home from touring with him. The interviewer cut right to the chase with the personal questions and Leah was trapped.
“Any plans for marriage?”
Leah was relieved that this was a phone interview so the women couldn’t jot down notes about her facial expressions to
pump up the article. And that Jared was currently out of the house.
“Ummm. I think we’re happy with where we are. There’s no need to change it.” It wasn’t a total lie. It was the truth as long as Leah didn’t spend too long thinking about it.
“So that’s a no?”
“No.”
“No that’s not a no or no, it’s a no?”
It was out of control.
“We’re not getting married.” She said flatly.
“Why not?”
She sighed into the phone. Leah wanted to say ‘are you stupid? I told you we’re happy with the way things are now shut the fuck up about it.’ “We like things they way they are.” She said instead, simply.
“Okay.” The interviewer has said absentmindedly like she was furiously writhing things to exploit the tone in Leah’s voice.
“So no marriage. What about kids?”
“We haven’t talked about it.”
“But it’s not a no? It’s out there?”
“I mean, I guess so. We haven’t ruled it out. We love Bailey and if we could have a hundred kids like her we would.” She laughed to lighten the mood but on the inside she was screaming ‘for the love of god please leave us alone and ask about what projects I have going on.’
She’d like for him to never read it. And to never contradict it because that would look bad and create so much drama for the both of them. She’s painted them as a happy, in love couple that doesn’t see the point in marriage because what they have is enough. It’s only half true. She’s the only one feeling that. She should’ve just kept her mouth shut and refused to say anything about her personal life.
She’s had endless comments on their lack of a marriage. Her friends in L.A have told her ‘I could be your maid of honor’; ‘if it’s too stressful for you to plan a wedding I could totally do it for you. I’m a great party planner. Do you remember that New Years Eve party in ’07? It would be like that only way classier’ and ‘can you imagine how cute Bailey would look in a little flower girl dress. I could die.’ She’s ignored them all. Their constant nagging reminded her why she’s thankful to be out of California in the first place.
She stands up and starts down the sand to Jared. She steps behind him and puts her arms around his waist and her forehead against his shoulder blades until he turns around and kisses her. She kisses him, long and deep and more than she ever would in public because that’s what she wants in the magazines to overshadow the semi-damaging interview.
That night she watches him with Bailey. The two of them are sitting on the balcony that overlooks the water. There’s a blanket over their legs even though it’s warm out and Bailey is lying on her side in the chair with her arm over his chest. She looks like she’s almost asleep but still holding on to listen to him talk.
Leah wonders for the first time what he did with the ring. Did he keep it and hide it somewhere? Is she going to stumble upon it someday while she’s looking for something else? Or did her return it along with any hopes that she’ll be his bride.
She’d never ask him so she’ll never know.
When she steps onto the balcony he stops talking and makes room for her in the oversized chair and she settles in with Bailey turning to curl into her side. Jared puts his arm around Leah so she can rest her head against his shoulder and it hits her that if he were to ask her to marry him right now she’d say yes. If this is what marriage would be like with him then why wouldn’t she want it? If they could just hold onto this moment and the way that he felt about her would never change from right now she’d have to say yes.
When he puts Bailey to bed Leah’s standing in the kitchen rubbing her hands together trying to figure out if she should say anything to him.
He softly closes Bailey’s door behind him and stares over at Leah with a dangerous smile on his face. She knows that in a few moments she won’t be able to say anything intelligible.
As he gets closer to her she backs up against the counter with her hands against the edge holding on tight. His fingertips lightly graze her sides before he grasps her waist tightly and nods. She bites her lip as she nods back and eases herself up onto the counter and he steps between her legs.
Before she lets him kiss her she tangles her fingers in his hair and holds his head back and studies his face.
‘Ask me, ask me, ask me, ask me.’
But she stays silent and drops her hands to the hem of his t-shirt and starts to work it up his torso. She sighs as her hands wander over his chest. His skin is hot from spending the day in the sun and when he she gets the shirt off he moves closer to her and she drops her lips to his neck and presses her lips to his buzzing skin. He smells like sun and sweat and warmth and she reflexively curls her hands against his shoulders to hold him closer because this is perfect.
“Jared.” She breathes out his name and his fingertips press into the small of her back. “Jared.” It’s suddenly the only word she knows how to say and ‘I want you to marry me’ is out of the question.
“What’s the matter?”
“Nothing.” She chickens out. She pushes her hips out so they’re flush with his and wraps her legs around his waist.
“Come on. Bedroom. Now.”
He narrows his eyes for a moment before he runs his hands down her back and under her thighs so he can carry her towards their room.