Don't worry about being comforting and appropriate (my dad's new wife sent me an e-card when she heard, so as long as you don't do that, you're fine). I'm just glad you're talking.
It's been crazy talking to people and finding out just how common it is. Up until now, I only knew of two people who'd had miscarriages, and I'd only heard about those via secondhand gossip, but it seems like everyone has a mom or a friend who had at least one, and sometimes lots of miscarriages.
I'm sorry for Chris' stepmom, and glad that she finally did have a beautiful little girl. I don't know how old she is, but I've read that miscarriage is more common the older you get. I can't imagine a second trimester loss (actually, even thinking about the loss where an embryo actually developed boggles my mind).
Thanks for the kind words. It really is a strange thing that it's so rarely discussed. Sure, right after I found out what was happening, I didn't want to talk to anyone (both Scott and my sister deserve awards--they took care of calling people like my dad and my in-laws and letting them know what was going on so I wouldn't have to). But the longer I spent waiting to miscarry, the more I wished that I knew whether any of my friends had miscarried, because I had a lot of questions about what to expect. The thing was, I didn't feel comfortable bringing up the topic--surely if they'd wanted me to know, they would have told me about it, right? So I just waited, and figured it out as I went along.
I'm so sorry for your loss. *hugs* It sounds like you've been through a really traumatic experience. Scott, wow what a wonderful support he's been.
I've never had the misfortune to miscarry that I'm aware of. When my grandmother passed away we were shocked to learn her first born was a still birth. It was a boy and they named him Adrian. Two close friends that have miscarried; it is a real loss and both think of their miscarriages as the death of a child. It has a profound an impact in their lives, but over time the pain has lessoned and they talk about it more openly. One has had four children and the other recently adopted after years of trying various methods of artificial insemination. I saw Lexi throw her first temper tantrum the other day. While dad was so embarrassed it is a joy to see after their long struggle to have children. All good thoughts to you and Scott. Take care.
It's true, Scott's been amazing, and I love him to bits. It's strange to say, but I really think that going through this has made us closer.
And he seriously should get a medal for dealing with me the last few days--with all the hormones going nuts, I've been ridiculously moody.
It's strange the way, at least at this point, everything seems to be colored by this experience. I'm sure it will lose its immediacy as time passes, but for the time being, I can't seem to do anything without it reminding me of what I've lost. It's funny, a similar thing happened when I found out I was pregnant--you know, I was doing all of my normal everyday activities, but it was *different* all of the sudden, just because I was pregnant. Now everything's *different* because I'm not pregnant.
I hope you're right that I'll be a mom (and also that I'll be a good one!). Even if I don't end up with kids who share my genetic material, I'd like very much to have a family. I can't really explain why that is, which is weird. Maybe I just want to help things grow. (Speaking of that, we got a couple of tomato starter plants from the farmer's market, just so we could try to grow *something* in our would-be garden this year.)
I don't remember when it was, but at some point you wrote about your births and talked about how making low pitched noises helped more than making high-pitched noises, and I thought about that when I was going through the painful part of the miscarriage on Tuesday. I don't know if it really helped me much, but it at least gave me something to think about other than "ow".
Oh Julia. I got all teary imagining you going through the whole birth process without a doula. It is hitting my hard, how sad it is to tell a woman she will miscarry, send her home to wait for that moment and offer nothing but physical pain killers and no support. When a woman is about to have a baby, she is given support, people who know the process come to you and hold your hands and get you water and help you make noises. Just because the outcome is not the same, does not mean that the process should be ignored, like a party no one wants to go to.
I am glad the noises helped focus you. That was the single best advice I got when I was in labor. The tub probably helped as well.
You are brave and strong and no one can take that away from you.
I am blown away by your apparent lucid and evenhanded grasp on all the details in the face of intense emotional + physical turmoil... like a volcanologist (I'm sure there's a less layman term for it, but danged if I know what it is) trapped in a danger area continuing to radio in measurements of temperature data and gas venting until their station becomes a mound of slag inhabited by a few scorched bones (except of course that your experience is not so conclusive ... but perhaps it feels like it is.) I am confident that your gut-wrenching report will be a comfort to some of this and next year's victims of statistical evitability, but what is not clear to me is what will be a comfort to you. In matters of tact, emotion and sensitivity I have a track record of being stunted and a bit of a tool -- now, years later, I want to talk to my sister about her failed pregnancy, but somehow I doubt that it's the sort of thing anyone ever wants to revisit
( ... )
Well, to be fair, it's been a month since I found out that I was going to miscarry, so I've had a while to gather and process information. Plus, I've been talking to Scott, and my sister, and one or two close friends, so I've even had opportunities to set the ideas to words.
It's kind of funny how many words you use to say, "wow."
If you do want to try to talk to your sister, you have a valid excuse now--you could say, "a friend of mine had a miscarriage this week, and it got me thinking about the subject. I know we never really talked about it when you were going through this, but would you feel okay about talking now?"
Comments 57
Reply
It's been crazy talking to people and finding out just how common it is. Up until now, I only knew of two people who'd had miscarriages, and I'd only heard about those via secondhand gossip, but it seems like everyone has a mom or a friend who had at least one, and sometimes lots of miscarriages.
I'm sorry for Chris' stepmom, and glad that she finally did have a beautiful little girl. I don't know how old she is, but I've read that miscarriage is more common the older you get. I can't imagine a second trimester loss (actually, even thinking about the loss where an embryo actually developed boggles my mind).
Reply
Reply
Reply
*hugs*
It sounds like you've been through a really traumatic experience. Scott, wow what a wonderful support he's been.
I've never had the misfortune to miscarry that I'm aware of. When my grandmother passed away we were shocked to learn her first born was a still birth. It was a boy and they named him Adrian. Two close friends that have miscarried; it is a real loss and both think of their miscarriages as the death of a child. It has a profound an impact in their lives, but over time the pain has lessoned and they talk about it more openly. One has had four children and the other recently adopted after years of trying various methods of artificial insemination. I saw Lexi throw her first temper tantrum the other day. While dad was so embarrassed it is a joy to see after their long struggle to have children.
All good thoughts to you and Scott. Take care.
Reply
And he seriously should get a medal for dealing with me the last few days--with all the hormones going nuts, I've been ridiculously moody.
It's strange the way, at least at this point, everything seems to be colored by this experience. I'm sure it will lose its immediacy as time passes, but for the time being, I can't seem to do anything without it reminding me of what I've lost. It's funny, a similar thing happened when I found out I was pregnant--you know, I was doing all of my normal everyday activities, but it was *different* all of the sudden, just because I was pregnant. Now everything's *different* because I'm not pregnant.
Reply
Reply
I don't remember when it was, but at some point you wrote about your births and talked about how making low pitched noises helped more than making high-pitched noises, and I thought about that when I was going through the painful part of the miscarriage on Tuesday. I don't know if it really helped me much, but it at least gave me something to think about other than "ow".
Reply
I am glad the noises helped focus you. That was the single best advice I got when I was in labor. The tub probably helped as well.
You are brave and strong and no one can take that away from you.
Much love.
Reply
Reply
It's kind of funny how many words you use to say, "wow."
If you do want to try to talk to your sister, you have a valid excuse now--you could say, "a friend of mine had a miscarriage this week, and it got me thinking about the subject. I know we never really talked about it when you were going through this, but would you feel okay about talking now?"
Reply
Leave a comment