without you, i die
originally, when i thought about writing this entry it was going to be full of funny quotes from yesterday's trip to greenville with doug and dustin. it was going to talk about how wonderful it was to see everyone again (jen, drew, jessie, robin, dustin, doug, angela, george, even jan) and how it was nice to know that this was a part of my life that i could always rely on, that would always be with me and would always be there to support and understand me. however, now that i'm not so stoned, things suddenly seem less optimistically blurred. it is true that when i think of governor's school and my experiences there i think about how easy and happy life was. even when i was sad, it wasn't real, not compared to the sad that i am now. the thing is, being around these people makes me realize how much i truly miss them.
let's take george as an example because things are less emotionally attached with him. i miss his humor, his suppressed intelligence, his wonderful ability to inspire us all to write, and write well. i remember being in his class senior year and really wanting to write well for him, for him to tell me that he was proud of my growth, proud of my coming into being a writer. something about his assurance was always desireable. i haven't had a teacher quite like him in college. elizabeth was nice. karmel was amazing and the closest to being as inspiring as george, but nothing really comes precisely close. there's just always something missing.
always something missing. this is the sentiment that i feel in life right now. you know what i need? a witness. always. i always need someone around me who was witness to that wonderful time in my life where things were depressing and confined, where no real freedom existed but where i felt unafraid to openly care for people. being in the car yesterday with doug and dustin evoked such feelings of nostalgia that i can't even begin to explain it and now i'm left wondering if i will ever really be able to experience something quite like my relationships with them again. i guess i just feel sad that much like anything that has ever really meant something in my life, i took advantage of the fact that it existed, choosing instead to focus on the not so wonderful aspects of my life. why was it that i was always looking for a reason to be sad at governor's school. maybe it's because everyone i was around was sad for legitimate reasons. i don't know.
i just want to feel that passion again and i know that this doesn't necessarily mean that i have to be back at governor's school again, that i have to be around these people 24/7 again, but it just feels like it is such a struggle to find it. i want to feel like i'm really living again, like i'm not letting life just pass me by, that i'm not simply waiting around for the next great thing to arrive. i want to passionately pursue life. i want to feel innately happy again. i want to find more people at nyu who truly matter to me, who i truly love in the way that i love people from govie school.
and perhaps this is not about relationships at all. courtney is in big trouble with the parents because she failed math again this semester. they are mostly upset because they feel like she is wasting her time and their money, that she needs to take a more active role in her education. i don't get this lecture because i make good grades. good grades, to my parents, somehow reflect an active role, that it means i know what i want to do in life and that i'm going to get out of college, land a good job and be tremendously successful. the truth is, i make good grades not because i'm excited about school (not necessarily) or because i know they are a means to and end (i think the opposite, to be honest) but because i care about my GPA. i care about how i measure up to the "standard" and to other people. i want to be "above average" hell, i want to be "excellent." i care about these terms and being labeled as such, this is a big deal to me. i think i believe it is a reflection of character (to some extent i'm sure of this belief) and that it represents real motivation and desire. anyway, i feel like i should get the lecture that courtney is getting because in a way i am just wasting my time, in the way that it is not readily affording me any kind of guarantee after college is said and done with and i have to be a fully functional member of society. this goes back to my wanting passion in my life again. oh governor's school, where passion seemed to simply exist everywhere. i'm sad i experienced all of yesterday high, i should have really experienced it. i should have really listened to virginia's last speech, i should have really talked to dr. thomas. i should have really cared about spending time with george. i should have been more passionate.
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let's take george as an example because things are less emotionally attached with him. i miss his humor, his suppressed intelligence, his wonderful ability to inspire us all to write, and write well. i remember being in his class senior year and really wanting to write well for him, for him to tell me that he was proud of my growth, proud of my coming into being a writer. something about his assurance was always desireable. i haven't had a teacher quite like him in college. elizabeth was nice. karmel was amazing and the closest to being as inspiring as george, but nothing really comes precisely close. there's just always something missing.
always something missing. this is the sentiment that i feel in life right now. you know what i need? a witness. always. i always need someone around me who was witness to that wonderful time in my life where things were depressing and confined, where no real freedom existed but where i felt unafraid to openly care for people. being in the car yesterday with doug and dustin evoked such feelings of nostalgia that i can't even begin to explain it and now i'm left wondering if i will ever really be able to experience something quite like my relationships with them again. i guess i just feel sad that much like anything that has ever really meant something in my life, i took advantage of the fact that it existed, choosing instead to focus on the not so wonderful aspects of my life. why was it that i was always looking for a reason to be sad at governor's school. maybe it's because everyone i was around was sad for legitimate reasons. i don't know.
i just want to feel that passion again and i know that this doesn't necessarily mean that i have to be back at governor's school again, that i have to be around these people 24/7 again, but it just feels like it is such a struggle to find it. i want to feel like i'm really living again, like i'm not letting life just pass me by, that i'm not simply waiting around for the next great thing to arrive. i want to passionately pursue life. i want to feel innately happy again. i want to find more people at nyu who truly matter to me, who i truly love in the way that i love people from govie school.
and perhaps this is not about relationships at all. courtney is in big trouble with the parents because she failed math again this semester. they are mostly upset because they feel like she is wasting her time and their money, that she needs to take a more active role in her education. i don't get this lecture because i make good grades. good grades, to my parents, somehow reflect an active role, that it means i know what i want to do in life and that i'm going to get out of college, land a good job and be tremendously successful. the truth is, i make good grades not because i'm excited about school (not necessarily) or because i know they are a means to and end (i think the opposite, to be honest) but because i care about my GPA. i care about how i measure up to the "standard" and to other people. i want to be "above average" hell, i want to be "excellent." i care about these terms and being labeled as such, this is a big deal to me. i think i believe it is a reflection of character (to some extent i'm sure of this belief) and that it represents real motivation and desire. anyway, i feel like i should get the lecture that courtney is getting because in a way i am just wasting my time, in the way that it is not readily affording me any kind of guarantee after college is said and done with and i have to be a fully functional member of society. this goes back to my wanting passion in my life again. oh governor's school, where passion seemed to simply exist everywhere. i'm sad i experienced all of yesterday high, i should have really experienced it. i should have really listened to virginia's last speech, i should have really talked to dr. thomas. i should have really cared about spending time with george. i should have been more passionate.
radio