change change change
i've decided that this new haircut means more than just a change in appearance for myself. i want to totally rethink my motivations in life and well, the way that my actions (don't) reveal value. there is going to be a governor's school reunion of sorts this weekend, which means that i will get to see the people that i miss and love so much. as of right now it's me, doug, dustin and ang, though hopefully more people will come. robin is supposed to be back on the island in a few days (tomorrow) so it would be nice for her to come as well. and jen. i really want jen to come. i miss her a lot. i don't even know what is up with austin anymore. i haven't talked to her in entirely too long. i'm not even sure what i would say to her if i did actually see her. i just remember caring so much about her senior year, being genuinely concerned with her mental and physical well-being and then just being cut out of her life. for a while i blamed it on joe, but now i'm not so sure that it's his fault, i mean, not entirely. even being with her when she came into the city this past semester was a little strange and awkward. ah.
i had a conversation with olivia the other day about how i was ugly on the inside because i wished for bad things to happen to good people. the most obvious wish was when i hoped that charlene would fail her expressive cultures test. i don't even know why i wanted her to fail, but i thought it would be kind of nice. she didn't, of course, which is good and i haven't ever wanted her to fail again, but i can't get over the fact that i actually wanted it to happen, that i verbally expressed this desire to olivia. i'm ugly, i tell you. i was reminded of this again this past sunday at church. i saw aj johnson and joy stults and remembered the time that we as a youth group went to carowinds on a trip. joy's younger sister, kristie, told me that joy had a crush on aj and that she thought they would make a really cute couple. so, bitch that i am, i decided to flirt with him all day (keep in mind i'm not attracted to this kid at all) and in the van on the ride home i sat next to him, fell asleep, and strategically made my head fall against his shoulder. i remember feeling very victorious about the whole situation when i got home, as though i had "won" him and i feel like this is what my ugliness is all about. to prove that i'm "better" than whomever. cuter and more desirable than joy. smarter (in art history) than charlene. et cetra. it's disgusting, really and something that i want to change. this change with come with my new haircut, i swear it.
although, truth be told, i could already see some change in this area of my life before the haircut. see, this is the thing, chris and i have talked on numerous occasions about just having casual sex (refer to entry labled "the fuck buddy" for more commentary on this matter) although we've never really gone through with it because i was scared of emotions and all that jazz. well, after the whole deal with john, i decided that it would be okay after all. that we could just have sex. we talked about it, and he was more hesitant than ever. see, this is the thing. i figured it would be a sure thing seeing as how he and shanon are broken up and she was one of the main factors preventing it from happening in the first place. with shanon out of the picture there was nothing to really fuck up. ha. so anyway, he was hesitant because he and shanon are "talking" about getting back together. although he confessed to having the desire to have sex with me, he also expressed that he still loves shanon. i faced a dilemma here. i could tell him that technically they weren't together, that she would never find out about it (this is true) and that if he didn't just get it over with, the desire might consume him. or i could tell him that if he loves her he should be with her and not worry about something that existed in the past, even if there was some kind of sexual desire there because ultimately really caring about someone is more important than sex. i chose the latter and i feel good about it. i don't like shanon. i think that chris can do better. i mean, who lies about being engaged just to spark jealousy--although, i guess i should also consider the fact that he went along with it for several months. anyway, i could have been vindictive and been like just have sex with me because i don't give two shits about this girl, but i didn't. i did the right thing, i think. it feels good. it feels nice to not put my wants and desires before anyone elses.
i think that i may quit my job. i'm currently working at kobe's a japanese steakhouse and sushi bar. it really sucks. it's easy, but it's not very good money and i don't really think i'm cut out to be a waitress. honestly, i would rather go back to birkenstock. people in restaurants are much more annoying. and to work only off of tips (well mostly) sucks. banana republic is hiring, so i may go there tomorrow. i'm also going to try barnes and noble. i miss the books. i miss harcourt. should have stayed in the city. courtney's waitressing job is going well, i think. she seems happy enough with it, which is annoying. the parental units, however, are pissed because her grades this semester were horrendous. i'm talking two d's and two c's. i don't feel bad for her though because she really doesn't care about it. she really doesn't care if she fails or not.
my GPA increased after this semester. i'm now rocking a 3.814, which is nice. i'm still waiting for my art history grade but i expect it will be decent enough to keep my GPA at around that. i got an A- in russian history which was a pleasant surprise. i hope it's because my TA had a crush on me. i mean, i hope that it was mostly because i raped the final essays, but it's nice to think that cute columbia slavic scholar boy had a crush on me. oh david tompkins. you are too cute.
so is kurt from the sound of music. damn, i love that movie. i've watched it twice since i've been hope and i think i'm going to go watch it again. but can i just say that i'm so mad tim and nicole kissed on sorority life. what insanity. she's an idiot.
radio
i had a conversation with olivia the other day about how i was ugly on the inside because i wished for bad things to happen to good people. the most obvious wish was when i hoped that charlene would fail her expressive cultures test. i don't even know why i wanted her to fail, but i thought it would be kind of nice. she didn't, of course, which is good and i haven't ever wanted her to fail again, but i can't get over the fact that i actually wanted it to happen, that i verbally expressed this desire to olivia. i'm ugly, i tell you. i was reminded of this again this past sunday at church. i saw aj johnson and joy stults and remembered the time that we as a youth group went to carowinds on a trip. joy's younger sister, kristie, told me that joy had a crush on aj and that she thought they would make a really cute couple. so, bitch that i am, i decided to flirt with him all day (keep in mind i'm not attracted to this kid at all) and in the van on the ride home i sat next to him, fell asleep, and strategically made my head fall against his shoulder. i remember feeling very victorious about the whole situation when i got home, as though i had "won" him and i feel like this is what my ugliness is all about. to prove that i'm "better" than whomever. cuter and more desirable than joy. smarter (in art history) than charlene. et cetra. it's disgusting, really and something that i want to change. this change with come with my new haircut, i swear it.
although, truth be told, i could already see some change in this area of my life before the haircut. see, this is the thing, chris and i have talked on numerous occasions about just having casual sex (refer to entry labled "the fuck buddy" for more commentary on this matter) although we've never really gone through with it because i was scared of emotions and all that jazz. well, after the whole deal with john, i decided that it would be okay after all. that we could just have sex. we talked about it, and he was more hesitant than ever. see, this is the thing. i figured it would be a sure thing seeing as how he and shanon are broken up and she was one of the main factors preventing it from happening in the first place. with shanon out of the picture there was nothing to really fuck up. ha. so anyway, he was hesitant because he and shanon are "talking" about getting back together. although he confessed to having the desire to have sex with me, he also expressed that he still loves shanon. i faced a dilemma here. i could tell him that technically they weren't together, that she would never find out about it (this is true) and that if he didn't just get it over with, the desire might consume him. or i could tell him that if he loves her he should be with her and not worry about something that existed in the past, even if there was some kind of sexual desire there because ultimately really caring about someone is more important than sex. i chose the latter and i feel good about it. i don't like shanon. i think that chris can do better. i mean, who lies about being engaged just to spark jealousy--although, i guess i should also consider the fact that he went along with it for several months. anyway, i could have been vindictive and been like just have sex with me because i don't give two shits about this girl, but i didn't. i did the right thing, i think. it feels good. it feels nice to not put my wants and desires before anyone elses.
i think that i may quit my job. i'm currently working at kobe's a japanese steakhouse and sushi bar. it really sucks. it's easy, but it's not very good money and i don't really think i'm cut out to be a waitress. honestly, i would rather go back to birkenstock. people in restaurants are much more annoying. and to work only off of tips (well mostly) sucks. banana republic is hiring, so i may go there tomorrow. i'm also going to try barnes and noble. i miss the books. i miss harcourt. should have stayed in the city. courtney's waitressing job is going well, i think. she seems happy enough with it, which is annoying. the parental units, however, are pissed because her grades this semester were horrendous. i'm talking two d's and two c's. i don't feel bad for her though because she really doesn't care about it. she really doesn't care if she fails or not.
my GPA increased after this semester. i'm now rocking a 3.814, which is nice. i'm still waiting for my art history grade but i expect it will be decent enough to keep my GPA at around that. i got an A- in russian history which was a pleasant surprise. i hope it's because my TA had a crush on me. i mean, i hope that it was mostly because i raped the final essays, but it's nice to think that cute columbia slavic scholar boy had a crush on me. oh david tompkins. you are too cute.
so is kurt from the sound of music. damn, i love that movie. i've watched it twice since i've been hope and i think i'm going to go watch it again. but can i just say that i'm so mad tim and nicole kissed on sorority life. what insanity. she's an idiot.
radio