this christmas...

[radioactvebetty]

this christmas i have decided that i am going to give myself the gift of forgiveness. i've been holding onto a lot in recent years. i, for whatever reason, find validation in the idea that most people are inherently assholes that will no doubt a. fuck me over and/or b. do "wrong" to me in some way. yes, it always seems to happen, but what if it's self-fulfilling prophesy? what has holding onto these grudges and these bad feelings done for me? what have i gotten out of it? nothing, really. or at least nothing good. so what's the point? i feel like i'll only perpetually become more and more angry and bitter and sardonic if i don't learn to let things go. forgive because it's good for my soul, not because i let people walk on me. i'll have so much clear mental and emotional space if i let things go. yes ryan cheated on me with a pregnant girl. was it humiliating? yes. was it wrong? yes. but it happened. if i keep holding it against him what the fuck is it going to do? time won't become reversed. i won't become a better person for it. same with things with friends. what does it bring to me? nothing but unhappiness.

i feel good already. it's like a deep breath. i might not be able to lose any weight as a new years resolution (because less face it, it never works anyway) but i think if i learn to do this it can make a positive impact on my life.

ew. i sound like a hippy. excuse this hippy bullshit entry. i'll still do it though, just not while being a hippy.