(no subject)
i love how nothing changes. i went up to albany this weekend and margaret and paul were talking about how they like reading my el jay and they were reading all the old entries. so when i came home i read all of them from freshman year. i feel as if i've progressively gotten more stupid which is disappointing. in those entries i sounded like a highly intelligent valley girl if that makes any sense. now, apparently i just sound like a brain-dead valley girl. overall, being in albany again and reading those entries made me sad. all of my friends are graduating with 3.9s with double majors and a minor and all i've done in the time they've been working towards these degrees is wandering and doing things that at this point, have amounted to nothing. makes me feel like i'm a failure. i used to be so motivated and driven and so socially-aware and wanting to change the world and now...i don't even know. i feel like i spend a lot of my time mourning my "old self".
i found the entry of when i decided i was leaving school to pursue food journalism.
"anyway, i'm dropping out of school to pursue food journalism. this is a field that most people don't even know exists. there's no path for me to follow. so, of course i pick the most obscure occupation path that most people just "fall into." when i tell people though they respond with one of three reactions: omg i want(ed) to go to culinary school!; you're brave; that's so EXCITING! i can watch you on the food channel....
so yeah, i don't know what to do. i need to major in journalism and then do culinary. i feel like i'm on a schedule and i don't have enough time. oh well though."
story of my life. it's good to see everything's still the same and i still am as lost as i was 3 years ago. i feel like when i was in albany though i was so driven and so passionate about my writing. i need to get back to that. i've been telling people about the blog i'm starting and i've been getting a lot of positive feedback. it's just about the only thing i feel confident about. dan and kelly encouraged me to do it, i told my mom and she was seriously excited for me. the fact that people just read and reread my bullshit thoughts and rants for their own personal entertainment makes me think that maybe people would find what i'd have to say/offer worthwhile.
in any case, i'm done with my externship. i left on a really good note. everyone came out to a bar to wish me well and even the people that couldn't gave me these big hugs and it was so sincere. i felt loved for once at that place as silly as it sounds. it's funny because the last day everyone was like wow, you really helped us so much and improved so much. you held this place together, we're really going to miss you. i think dan said that in realization about 20 times. it's strange to think that i might have had an impact on these people in any form even an 1/8th as much as they had on me. i got a 95. i don't know how i feel about my grade; i don't even want to tell anyone because i know first words out of their mouths is "you're an idiot, why'd you get a 95?" so i feel like i'll just not tell anyone so they can't add to "my victimization" of myself as dan calls it.
albany was great; i really missed everyone. we relived everything we used to do as freshman. we were so cool and we had immeasurable amounts of fun. paul asked me a good 20 times to move back to albany. we went to bombers and 80s night and it was fun just being there with them. i missed them a lot.
i need to read again. i've dumbed myself down immensely to feel like i belong at culinary school. i came as an addition to my journalism/writing not to be "one of them". i'm not "one of them" and that's OKAY. i keep having to tell myself that.
all.for.now.
i found the entry of when i decided i was leaving school to pursue food journalism.
"anyway, i'm dropping out of school to pursue food journalism. this is a field that most people don't even know exists. there's no path for me to follow. so, of course i pick the most obscure occupation path that most people just "fall into." when i tell people though they respond with one of three reactions: omg i want(ed) to go to culinary school!; you're brave; that's so EXCITING! i can watch you on the food channel....
so yeah, i don't know what to do. i need to major in journalism and then do culinary. i feel like i'm on a schedule and i don't have enough time. oh well though."
story of my life. it's good to see everything's still the same and i still am as lost as i was 3 years ago. i feel like when i was in albany though i was so driven and so passionate about my writing. i need to get back to that. i've been telling people about the blog i'm starting and i've been getting a lot of positive feedback. it's just about the only thing i feel confident about. dan and kelly encouraged me to do it, i told my mom and she was seriously excited for me. the fact that people just read and reread my bullshit thoughts and rants for their own personal entertainment makes me think that maybe people would find what i'd have to say/offer worthwhile.
in any case, i'm done with my externship. i left on a really good note. everyone came out to a bar to wish me well and even the people that couldn't gave me these big hugs and it was so sincere. i felt loved for once at that place as silly as it sounds. it's funny because the last day everyone was like wow, you really helped us so much and improved so much. you held this place together, we're really going to miss you. i think dan said that in realization about 20 times. it's strange to think that i might have had an impact on these people in any form even an 1/8th as much as they had on me. i got a 95. i don't know how i feel about my grade; i don't even want to tell anyone because i know first words out of their mouths is "you're an idiot, why'd you get a 95?" so i feel like i'll just not tell anyone so they can't add to "my victimization" of myself as dan calls it.
albany was great; i really missed everyone. we relived everything we used to do as freshman. we were so cool and we had immeasurable amounts of fun. paul asked me a good 20 times to move back to albany. we went to bombers and 80s night and it was fun just being there with them. i missed them a lot.
i need to read again. i've dumbed myself down immensely to feel like i belong at culinary school. i came as an addition to my journalism/writing not to be "one of them". i'm not "one of them" and that's OKAY. i keep having to tell myself that.
all.for.now.