Hello, world

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Its pretty pathetic when one of your good friends messages you on Myspace and says 'I added you on LJ, but it seems like you don't update it anymore.' So, by my record, its been almost three years since I've had anything to do with this website/blog. I don't know who the fuck people are anymore, I don't know what groups I belong to, and I

Comments

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Tell me everything! I've missed our chit chats : )

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Wow, what and exciting move! What are you in school for? Next year will be my senior year of high school : ) Oh, to be young again : ) Have you heard anything from Jenny? I haven't spoken to her since she left LJ.

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I just caught the last bit of the comment that I didn't seem to have caught before. Yeah, I'm an old maid now. Like I said, next year is my last year of high school, then its off to college. I don't know where I want to go. I have continued to not eat animals. I want to be a professional midwife. I work two jobs; one at a small grocery store as a cashier and one, sadly and unfortunately, at McDonalds as one of the window people. I don't drive, I bike everywhere. I bike a lot. Its like my hobby now and I throughly enjoy it : ) I've been living with my aunt and my uncle since I lost my mom so long ago. It has worked out beautifully and I couldn't ask for a better situation. I love them a lot. Its really hard sometimes, but what isn't?

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Well that was very sweet of you, thank you. It has taken a lot of work and loads of picking myself apart to maintain even the slightest sense of normalcy in my terribly abnormal situation. I used to go to therapy once a week for the longest time. I don't anymore because I've been doing exceptionally well, etc. I also weaned myself off of my anti-depressants which was really hard (unexpectedly so). For a while I was feeling like shit, the way that I used to feel all of the time. But now I'm Zoloft free and I can't even tell the difference. I never knew that you had lost your mother at such a young age, I'm sorry. I wish I would've known that we shared a similar experience earlier on, I'm sure it would have helped things. Surprisingly, most of my heartache these days comes from people who are still alive. I have little to no relationship with my father, I haven't spoken to my six year old half brother since my mother's death and rarely do I talk/see 14 year old twin sisters. We're all pretty scattered. I would be lying if I said that I

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Holy hell. 7 months? Thats ludicrous. I don't understand people in general sometimes. I can barely understand how I've gotten to the three year mark, let alone the NINE year mark. I can't even imagine. I think its a lie when people say that it gets easier over time. I mean, it still does, but I often find my mind and body taking be back to the most painful times in my life, the times riiiiiight after I lost her. I can relive her funeral and feel the pain just as strong as I did when it actually happened. Its a strange phenomenon. And sometimes, even when I don't want to 'go there', I'll go there. And its like, salting a laceration. I don't know why I do it to myself. Anyway, yeah. I'm sorry that you've lost your mother. I don't know why shit like this happens. Especially to young people. Its hard growing up anyway, but motherless? Its hellish.

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Usually, confusion comes right before you learn something. But yes, thats really shitty.
I will never be over my mom, not now, not never. I'm not saying that I won't 'let it go', its just that I don't think I will ever wake up one day and be like "Mmmhm, I think today I am over the death of my mother." Whatever. Fuck feeling obligated to feel anything... like, getting over your mother's death.

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Maybe.