Catch myself before I fall
Today is really making me want to use.
I am trying to hold my head up, but I am in a state of mind full of worthlessness and self pity.
I'm fighting, but I am growing very tired. . . I'm trying to not let it win, but some moments my negative thinking really gets the best of me. I just crave that thing that made everything not so LOUD. It made the yelling background static. It made the hurt numb. It created a delusional but comfortable love. I hate it for all of these reasons. I hate it more because it sucked me into its abyss and caused destruction on myself and my life and the lives of people I love. It gave me experience. . .but was that really worth the cost? Because I still have days when it feels like a chore to just breathe and like alls I am is a weight on other people. Moments with those thoughts are the moments when I need to sit through my feelings and grow to understand them and keep myself perched high above that dark abyss. . .and keep myself worlds, realities...apart from that.
I hope I don't fall and land myself gone forever in the skin of a girl not willing to give up the war. . .living with the hope that someday there will be peace, and the craving will vanquish completely. That seems like someone else, not me...but I am fighting the war.
I am trying to hold my head up, but I am in a state of mind full of worthlessness and self pity.
I'm fighting, but I am growing very tired. . . I'm trying to not let it win, but some moments my negative thinking really gets the best of me. I just crave that thing that made everything not so LOUD. It made the yelling background static. It made the hurt numb. It created a delusional but comfortable love. I hate it for all of these reasons. I hate it more because it sucked me into its abyss and caused destruction on myself and my life and the lives of people I love. It gave me experience. . .but was that really worth the cost? Because I still have days when it feels like a chore to just breathe and like alls I am is a weight on other people. Moments with those thoughts are the moments when I need to sit through my feelings and grow to understand them and keep myself perched high above that dark abyss. . .and keep myself worlds, realities...apart from that.
I hope I don't fall and land myself gone forever in the skin of a girl not willing to give up the war. . .living with the hope that someday there will be peace, and the craving will vanquish completely. That seems like someone else, not me...but I am fighting the war.