Teach me how to cry for you.

Mar 08, 2007 03:56

Here it goes. A rant or rave? I'm not even sure. My life is so evenly balanced and completely unlevel. As am I right about now.

I need to win the lottery. If I did, every one I know and love that is broke (which is everyone) would no longer be so. Sounds pretty grandious of me to say but I really do think I could win. It's not luck, it's hope and faith. Really though. I once believed in luck but I no longer think it exists, at all. Either things are set up by the "bigger" people or there is divine intervention. No ifs, ands, or buts. That is it.

I'm glad Grey's Anatomy is on tomorrow. I need to cry. I've wanted to all day but I've trained my tears to stay put when they are selfish. I can no longer cry for my own concern. I'm not sure crying on the behalf of a show is much better but at least they base episodes on truth.

I think there is something more than hunger that takes over me. I can eat and smoke and drink alcohol or coffee, try to feed my addictions from all angles but I feel there is still something major missing. Maybe the ultimate peace I feel I am so close to getting doesn't really exist. If there is no bigger picture to all of this than I quit.  Maybe I'm just frustrated and pretending I've lost hope. I don't know, but it is happening.

Let me write a book.

I work to live and live to work. It sickens me. What is so hard to understand about money? It is green sheets of paper. Gold coins. Whatever. It is nothing significant unless we make it to be. I think it causes more chaos then it was ever meant to prevent. Lord save us.
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