It's been a summer...
Okay, so I know that the summer isn't actually over for another 3 weeks, but in a way, it has ended. At least, the part of the summer that I needed and needed to be over, is over.
It hasn't been good. The summer, I mean. So many things have happened and changed that I feel like I can't even keep up anymore. For months before school ended, I was looking forward to what I thought was going to be a fabulous summer. Literally, the day I got home, I knew I was completely wrong.
I didn't even get from Long Island to my house without first stopping at the nursing home to say goodbye to my grandmother. She's been sick for years, but she'd been really bad for at least a month. I thought it wouldn't hurt so much - seeing her, but it was probably one of the saddest things I've ever seen. My whole life, I've been told that I look just like her and that I'm so much like her. She hasn't even remembered who I am for years now. She knows my mother and my grandfather, who passed away 5 years ago yesterday. I wanted her to go. I wanted her to go right after he did because I know her life meant nothing without him. At least, to her it didn't.
She passed away within 24 hours of my visit. My entire family said that she was waiting for me.
Oreo died. It's still one of the hardest things I've gone through. It's like a piece of my life has been ripped away from me. Not a day has gone by where I haven't looked for her or tried to talk to her. I've kissed her collar goodnight every single night since she's been gone. Her smell is wearing off slowly, but I'll never forget.
I got fucked over by the same boy. Again. And I knew it was going to happen. As soon as I knew I couldn't trust him, I knew it was going to happen. But I guess not trusting someone never stopped feelings from happening. I've analyzed it and not analyzed it enough to know why I was so intrigued. And I don't think that it'll ever stop...whether it's him or someone else. Because I'm always going to be attracted to that characteristic and it's never going to work...because the one thing I want is the one thing they can't give me.
I lost friends. There was no falling out process, there was no fight, but somehow, we let go to the only thing that was keeping us together - whatever it was. It's hard because I look back at high school and what we had and I know that it's over. We're too different. They've changed; I've changed, and people say that change can work if you work with it. But sometimes you just don't want to. For the most part, change means loss. So I lost a few friends, but it doesn't mean that I've lost the friendship we once had, or the memories we've shared.
I've realized that what I wanted when I was 13 and 14 isn't what I want now. I'm 20 years old. I've never been in love. But I've cared about someone. I know he cares about me as much as he can. And I missed him. I really, really did. But I don't need to fill a void. There's nothing missing now, which means there was nothing missing then. So I guess I don't have to fill some 13-year-old fantasy just to feel happy. If it happens, it'll happen because I'm 20 and because we're not the same as we were then.
My life-long best friend has a serious boyfriend. I couldn't be more happy for her. But like college, it's something she did first. And in some way, I feel left behind. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because I think that she deserves it more than any soul on this earth. I know it doesn't make the past 20 years mean any less, but I feel like we've gotten too old to be the same people. I don't think that's what I'm trying to say, but that's the best I can do right now.
I got mad at both of my other best friends once this summer. They're two people that I rarely ever get mad at, so when I do, it's a pretty big deal. The first, because I learned some things that yes, would have disappointed me had she told me in the first place, but she lied to me and to others because she was afraid. Sometimes I feel that because I'm so honest, people have a hard time being honest with me. The other did something that really doesn't mean anything, but I was drunk, and it would have meant something at one point, and even though the feelings aren't the same anymore, I still know what it feels like, if that makes any sense.
I got in a car accident. It was by far the stupidest thing I've ever done because it was careless and I'm always so careful. I've spent the past month working like crazy to pay for a car that isn't even worth the money, when I'm pretty sure my parents aren't even going to make me pay for it.
I've made disgusting amounts of money this summer. I come home from work with wads of cash and sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. Mainly because it's all going toward the car and Italy. I guess it'll pay off later. I hate saving that much money, though. Sometimes I feel like I'll die having thousands of dollars in the bank and that thought drives me nuts - not because I spend money carelessly - because I don't at all, but I know when to give and take.
I can officially say that I'm a good waitress. I decided that tonight, actually. I think every tip I got tonight was larger than it should have been. I made $113 in 5 hours. I think that waitressing is one of the hardest professionas out there. I don't care what anyone says. It takes more skill, patience, understanding, and overall heart to be a waitress than many other jobs. And it's hard. And dirty. And you get little respect. I still have no patience, but I can pretend I do for the most part. I think everyone should experience it at some point, and then quit when they're ready. Because you'll meet people you'd never have met otherwise, and you'll learn things about others and about yourself that will surprise you. Plus, as I've already mentioned, the money is fantastic.
I think, that if I had to pick a night to remember this summer by, it would come down to two. June 16th and last night. On June 16th, Brehan, Ashley, Hilary, and I went clubbing. As soon as we got there, Hilary said to me, "Annie, we've worked our whole lives for this." I guess no one else would really understand, but in a way, we have. That night she and I talked in the car about the past, about boys, and just life in general. That was the night she told me that I haven't changed since I was 14 - that I know who I am, and that I sit by while everyone else still tries to figure it out.
Yesterday was my annual family cookout on my mom's side. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I left early to hang out with Brehan. Well, I left because I was bored, but I called Brehan to hang out. We didn't do much - got pizza, then went to see John Tucker Must Die. (So retardedly good.) But as I drove Brehan home, we sang along to Alanis and decided that we'd have a new song. I know that doesn't even mean anything because it's just a song that reminds us of boys, but it put things in perspective. I drove back to my house and realized that a lot of my life has fallen a part this summer; I hate being home, I feel useless, and I've lost so much, but I am okay. I hate that word - okay - because it makes it seem like I don't mean it. But I hate the word happy, too. But I don't know. Maybe I'm happy and I'm just scared of the word.
I just know that this is it. That sounds ridiculous, but I know that I don't have to worry about who I am or what I want. Yesterday, Nicole sent me a text with lyrics from Less Than Jake's "The Science of Selling Yourself Short." It has been one of my favorite songs since the day that CD came out. I remember hearing it for the first time in my brother's car on the way home from school and relating to it somehow because I always was my own worst enemy. But I'm not anymore. I still love the song, but I can't relate like I used to. I'm not my own worst enemy anymore, and now it's almost just as hard because I don't know who is. I don't know, though. Maybe it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I think I scare people away because I'm invertly too confident in who I am. I don't need to be two or three different people anymore.
So that's what happened this summer. And last night I realized that I don't need everything in my life to fit together for the puzzle to be whole. I think that was the corniest thing I've ever said, yet, I'm not hitting the backspace. After I graduate, my life is going to go in one of three directions, and it's honestly going to come down to luck and luck alone. I know what I want, but I usually have a hard time getting there. My friends yell at me when I say that I'm never going to get married or fall in love, but it's not because I don't want to. I've just never put it in the plan. There are very, very few things that happen in my life that surprise me, so I guess if that ever happens, I want it to be a surprise. But I know that wherever I go from here, that I'll be okay if it's just me and the people I already love.
This year's going to change my life. Every year changes my life, so I guess that's no big shocker, but I just have a feeling. And the summer, from this point on, is going to be abosolutely fabulous. Again, I just have a feeling.
It hasn't been good. The summer, I mean. So many things have happened and changed that I feel like I can't even keep up anymore. For months before school ended, I was looking forward to what I thought was going to be a fabulous summer. Literally, the day I got home, I knew I was completely wrong.
I didn't even get from Long Island to my house without first stopping at the nursing home to say goodbye to my grandmother. She's been sick for years, but she'd been really bad for at least a month. I thought it wouldn't hurt so much - seeing her, but it was probably one of the saddest things I've ever seen. My whole life, I've been told that I look just like her and that I'm so much like her. She hasn't even remembered who I am for years now. She knows my mother and my grandfather, who passed away 5 years ago yesterday. I wanted her to go. I wanted her to go right after he did because I know her life meant nothing without him. At least, to her it didn't.
She passed away within 24 hours of my visit. My entire family said that she was waiting for me.
Oreo died. It's still one of the hardest things I've gone through. It's like a piece of my life has been ripped away from me. Not a day has gone by where I haven't looked for her or tried to talk to her. I've kissed her collar goodnight every single night since she's been gone. Her smell is wearing off slowly, but I'll never forget.
I got fucked over by the same boy. Again. And I knew it was going to happen. As soon as I knew I couldn't trust him, I knew it was going to happen. But I guess not trusting someone never stopped feelings from happening. I've analyzed it and not analyzed it enough to know why I was so intrigued. And I don't think that it'll ever stop...whether it's him or someone else. Because I'm always going to be attracted to that characteristic and it's never going to work...because the one thing I want is the one thing they can't give me.
I lost friends. There was no falling out process, there was no fight, but somehow, we let go to the only thing that was keeping us together - whatever it was. It's hard because I look back at high school and what we had and I know that it's over. We're too different. They've changed; I've changed, and people say that change can work if you work with it. But sometimes you just don't want to. For the most part, change means loss. So I lost a few friends, but it doesn't mean that I've lost the friendship we once had, or the memories we've shared.
I've realized that what I wanted when I was 13 and 14 isn't what I want now. I'm 20 years old. I've never been in love. But I've cared about someone. I know he cares about me as much as he can. And I missed him. I really, really did. But I don't need to fill a void. There's nothing missing now, which means there was nothing missing then. So I guess I don't have to fill some 13-year-old fantasy just to feel happy. If it happens, it'll happen because I'm 20 and because we're not the same as we were then.
My life-long best friend has a serious boyfriend. I couldn't be more happy for her. But like college, it's something she did first. And in some way, I feel left behind. I also feel guilty for feeling this way because I think that she deserves it more than any soul on this earth. I know it doesn't make the past 20 years mean any less, but I feel like we've gotten too old to be the same people. I don't think that's what I'm trying to say, but that's the best I can do right now.
I got mad at both of my other best friends once this summer. They're two people that I rarely ever get mad at, so when I do, it's a pretty big deal. The first, because I learned some things that yes, would have disappointed me had she told me in the first place, but she lied to me and to others because she was afraid. Sometimes I feel that because I'm so honest, people have a hard time being honest with me. The other did something that really doesn't mean anything, but I was drunk, and it would have meant something at one point, and even though the feelings aren't the same anymore, I still know what it feels like, if that makes any sense.
I got in a car accident. It was by far the stupidest thing I've ever done because it was careless and I'm always so careful. I've spent the past month working like crazy to pay for a car that isn't even worth the money, when I'm pretty sure my parents aren't even going to make me pay for it.
I've made disgusting amounts of money this summer. I come home from work with wads of cash and sometimes I don't feel like I have anything to show for it. Mainly because it's all going toward the car and Italy. I guess it'll pay off later. I hate saving that much money, though. Sometimes I feel like I'll die having thousands of dollars in the bank and that thought drives me nuts - not because I spend money carelessly - because I don't at all, but I know when to give and take.
I can officially say that I'm a good waitress. I decided that tonight, actually. I think every tip I got tonight was larger than it should have been. I made $113 in 5 hours. I think that waitressing is one of the hardest professionas out there. I don't care what anyone says. It takes more skill, patience, understanding, and overall heart to be a waitress than many other jobs. And it's hard. And dirty. And you get little respect. I still have no patience, but I can pretend I do for the most part. I think everyone should experience it at some point, and then quit when they're ready. Because you'll meet people you'd never have met otherwise, and you'll learn things about others and about yourself that will surprise you. Plus, as I've already mentioned, the money is fantastic.
I think, that if I had to pick a night to remember this summer by, it would come down to two. June 16th and last night. On June 16th, Brehan, Ashley, Hilary, and I went clubbing. As soon as we got there, Hilary said to me, "Annie, we've worked our whole lives for this." I guess no one else would really understand, but in a way, we have. That night she and I talked in the car about the past, about boys, and just life in general. That was the night she told me that I haven't changed since I was 14 - that I know who I am, and that I sit by while everyone else still tries to figure it out.
Yesterday was my annual family cookout on my mom's side. Nothing out of the ordinary happened, but I left early to hang out with Brehan. Well, I left because I was bored, but I called Brehan to hang out. We didn't do much - got pizza, then went to see John Tucker Must Die. (So retardedly good.) But as I drove Brehan home, we sang along to Alanis and decided that we'd have a new song. I know that doesn't even mean anything because it's just a song that reminds us of boys, but it put things in perspective. I drove back to my house and realized that a lot of my life has fallen a part this summer; I hate being home, I feel useless, and I've lost so much, but I am okay. I hate that word - okay - because it makes it seem like I don't mean it. But I hate the word happy, too. But I don't know. Maybe I'm happy and I'm just scared of the word.
I just know that this is it. That sounds ridiculous, but I know that I don't have to worry about who I am or what I want. Yesterday, Nicole sent me a text with lyrics from Less Than Jake's "The Science of Selling Yourself Short." It has been one of my favorite songs since the day that CD came out. I remember hearing it for the first time in my brother's car on the way home from school and relating to it somehow because I always was my own worst enemy. But I'm not anymore. I still love the song, but I can't relate like I used to. I'm not my own worst enemy anymore, and now it's almost just as hard because I don't know who is. I don't know, though. Maybe it doesn't really matter. Sometimes I think I scare people away because I'm invertly too confident in who I am. I don't need to be two or three different people anymore.
So that's what happened this summer. And last night I realized that I don't need everything in my life to fit together for the puzzle to be whole. I think that was the corniest thing I've ever said, yet, I'm not hitting the backspace. After I graduate, my life is going to go in one of three directions, and it's honestly going to come down to luck and luck alone. I know what I want, but I usually have a hard time getting there. My friends yell at me when I say that I'm never going to get married or fall in love, but it's not because I don't want to. I've just never put it in the plan. There are very, very few things that happen in my life that surprise me, so I guess if that ever happens, I want it to be a surprise. But I know that wherever I go from here, that I'll be okay if it's just me and the people I already love.
This year's going to change my life. Every year changes my life, so I guess that's no big shocker, but I just have a feeling. And the summer, from this point on, is going to be abosolutely fabulous. Again, I just have a feeling.